PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 So I'm with my girlfriend for 2 years now, we lived together and everything was good, we never fight and are happy together. 2 weeks ago she had to move to another town that's 1 hour flight away to take care of some things at home. Since then I noticed a distinct pattern that makes me feel like she only contacts me because she feels obliged to... The things is, she never never randomly texts me or contacts me during the day, and no it's not that she is super busy, trust me. But that's her excuse yes. But seriously, everyone has small compartments of time available throughout the day. And if you love someone and think about that person, in my mind you will use that time to at least sometimes communicate with your lover. She Does contact me twice a day, but always around the same times, Never randomly throughout the day. It's like she's on a schedule, like ok I contact him in the morning and in the evening and that's enough... I stopped texting her during the day and Im laying low with contacting her myself now because I feel like she doesn't really love me because of the way she contacts me (feels like a schedule) and the lack of spontaneous communication. I communicated with her about this and she always tells me she loves me and I believe her when she says that. I just feel that her actions in the contacting each other department tell a different story so I don't know what to think... Yesterday I was a bit mad at her, not really but I acted kind of upset, because we were talking and then I expected her to come online as she communicated, but then she just disappeared for 3 hours without letting me know that "oh hey, I cant come online because...". I got mad because it's a regular occurrence, and often she takes a long time to reply also when I send her a message. So now I feel what the point in texting her, it just makes me frustrated because she never seems to have time for me, or rather make time for me is what I feel. Please I need some outside input on this.. Is my instinct giving me the right message here, would you feel the same? Or am I just overreacting and reading to much into these things?
TaraMaiden Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The reason she doesn't initiate contact is because she knows you will. good ol' reliable you. Try being unpredictable. Try being 'busy'. Rein back a bit, and don't text or call her. She has grown in the comfort of you always 'being there' and takes for granted that you always will. Maybe this has settled into the familiar. So - be unpredictable. See what happens then..... 2
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 The reason she doesn't initiate contact is because she knows you will. good ol' reliable you. Try being unpredictable. Try being 'busy'. Rein back a bit, and don't text or call her. She has grown in the comfort of you always 'being there' and takes for granted that you always will. Maybe this has settled into the familiar. So - be unpredictable. See what happens then..... Hi TaraMaiden, thanks for your reply, but I don't understand this, I like to contact her randomly because I love her (laying low now though). Before when she was away one time we used to do this and have fun with it. But now, no... I don't understand why she would never randomly contact me if she really loves me, I mean you want to be with the one you love right? I mean not every second of the day. But randomly chatting a bit sometimes, I like that. Why would me "being there always" stop her from doing that? I don't understand. My reasoning is she doesn't really love me that much because I don't seem to be in her thoughts.
Emilia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 So I'm with my girlfriend for 2 years now, we lived together and everything was good, we never fight and are happy together. 2 weeks ago she had to move to another town that's 1 hour flight away to take care of some things at home. How long is she away for?
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Yes, it was taxing sometimes, mostly for me, because I work at home and she asked my attention often when I had to work. But nonetheless I still loved her a lot and gave her attention when I could, because I knew it would make her feel good, and because I love her and Want her to feel good. "Your girlfriend doesn't feel a need to 'randomly' text you and honestly, why should she? It's been 2 years; the infatuation phase is over. You're in a real relationship now and the random texts are likely no longer a priority or a desire." Wow, no offence intended but you make relationships sound really boring to me there, like it's a dread. "And frankly, despite what some may think, just because you love someone does not make you obligated to keep in frequent or constant contact." I did not say anything like that, and I don't think that also. I was just saying her communication with me seems unspontaneous, scheduled, like she feels like it's an obligation, obligation is too strong of a word for that so just tone that word down in your mind a few good notches to get the idea. Edited June 27, 2013 by PJ999
TaraMaiden Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 This is very insecure of you. You measure 'love' by the amount she randomly texts/calls you? People move on from doing certain things because people change. They don't stay the same. She's grown comfortable in the relationship. (What is this ' take care of some things at home' stuff, she's doing?) Look, just because she's less communicative, doesn't mean her love has died. It's 'settled'. The first flush of fun is past and she's evolving into the relationship. Things can never stand still. You're fretting and sorry, but you make yourself sound very insecure. If this bothers you, you'll have to talk about it with her when she returns. Effective Communication is vital. If you're still unsure about some aspects of communication, the whys wherefores and how frequents.... then your (joint) communication skills are not effective..... 1
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) "You measure 'love' by the amount she randomly texts/calls you?" I just wonder why she never does this, because from my own experience I like to do that sometimes. Not to check up on her or anything like that, but just because it's fun and I love her and because she is in my mind. When she never does that in makes me wonder if I am even in her mind at all. "You're fretting and sorry, but you make yourself sound very insecure." That's ok "Effective Communication is vital" I talked to her about this multiple times, she tells me she is busy, ok I get that she is busy sometimes, but what I don't get is the pattern, never any random communication. Am I insecure? I don't feel so. This is my first serious relationship though. But I'm not worried about anything. It's just hard to understand for me from my perspective why she never randomly contacts me. Because I like to do that when I'm thinking about her, and she not doing that makes me wonder why not.Is she never thinking about me as she goes through her day? That would be ok, I could move on, but she tells me that she loves me, so those 2 things are conflicting in my mind and make me so I don't know what to think. Edited June 27, 2013 by PJ999
TaraMaiden Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I would repeat my question, What is she doing over there? And as has been asked - how long is she away for?
KillerFish Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 To op, you do know that each person has their own way of showing love? 5 Most Commonly Used Ways Of Expressing And Interpreting Love And Affection | Intersections Match
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I would repeat my question, What is she doing over there? And as has been asked - how long is she away for? I'm sorry but what she is doing is private information, can't share that. She'll be away until it's done, which can be up to 2, max 3 months.
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 To op, you do know that each person has their own way of showing love? 5 Most Commonly Used Ways Of Expressing And Interpreting Love And Affection | Intersections Match Thanks for sharing, will read that
Emilia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I'm sorry but what she is doing is private information, can't share that. She'll be away until it's done, which can be up to 2, max 3 months. It is hard to give advice without knowing motivation, that's the reason we ask. 2 or 3 months is quite a specific and short period though at least so I assume it's a legit and not just some made-up reason. 1
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 To op, you do know that each person has their own way of showing love? 5 Most Commonly Used Ways Of Expressing And Interpreting Love And Affection | Intersections Match Just read it, the points that I feel are missing now since she is away are "Words of Affirmation" and "Quality Time". She is Asian and she is big on "Acts of Service"
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 It is hard to give advice without knowing motivation, that's the reason we ask. 2 or 3 months is quite a specific and short period though at least so I assume it's a legit and not just some made-up reason. Yeah, I'm absolutely sure it's not a made up reason.
OwlSoul Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I never really randomly text to my bf and never really texted for no reason to my exes first. Even when it was just the beginning of a relationship, since we were talking online daily as well. There were moments of an 'urge' to do so when I would feel insecure.
Author PJ999 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I never really randomly text to my bf and never really texted for no reason to my exes first. Even when it was just the beginning of a relationship, since we were talking online daily as well. There were moments of an 'urge' to do so when I would feel insecure. Insecure in what way? What would you feel insecure about?
TheZebra Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I'm sorry but what she is doing is private information, can't share that. She'll be away until it's done, which can be up to 2, max 3 months. Does anyone else think this is hilarious..? OP can't share something about someone who none of us know and would never know no matter how much information he gives? Seriously.. I could say that I'm a 5'2 burly woman with a mustache that would make manly men proud and a tail and that I like to eat boogers and punch babies annnndddd no one would EVER read that and know me in real life. And who wouldn't know about someone with a tail? 2
GoBomb36 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hang in there, man, I know how you feel. What it seems is that she is, as stated above, just comfortable in the situation. Until she gives you a reason not to trust her, trust that she is not doing anything. I'm currently in a situation where my girl and I split up, and I'm just thrown for a loop, too. Just keep going and try not to read too far into anything...you'll know soon enough whether she's really wants this or not.
TaraMaiden Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Oh she's Asian... Well, that explains it. Family ties are strong. They're her priority right now. She can shift her focus and would expect you to understand that. Family obligations would tend to trump personal relationships. For those of Asian origin, that's a given. I casually dated an Asian guy. On more than one occasion he cancelled a date 'due to family obligations'. On the face of it, they didn't really seem all that legitimate, but his family came first, always. Anbd that's just the way it was. 3
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