Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 That is horrible and it is definitely a possible reaction (again, from exMM or even BS). So GB, please stay safe. Do not agree to meet either of them in person, ever. yes, well this would be the only upside to it having been a very long distance relationship.
Owl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I say tell. I can appreciate that you're being honest about your motivations in telling...admitting that this is your reason behind doing so is wise. When you tell her, be cautious not to sound attacking/accusing against her...just lay out the facts for her to understand what went on, provide whatever 'proof' you think is needed, spell out to her that you're not asking for any kind of continued interaction between you and her, or you and him...send it, and try to use this as your method for closure. 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Uhm Ok? Aren't you one of those people who feel the BS NEEDS to know? But, in my case it is childish because it is for my own emotional needs? Doesn't really make sense. I'm absolutely in the camp that the bs should know. This post is about you, not the BS. Do I think it is in your best interest to take the cowards way out instead of standing up for your self? NO! Do I think the bs should be made aware, yes. But it gets you nowhere. It isn't that it's BECAUSE of your emotional needs. Telling isn't going to change your emotional IQ nor is it guaranteed to solve your delema. What you need is to stand up for YOURSELF, IMO. That is what has you stuck.
Elfie Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Goodbye ~ I can relate to this feeling. I didn't know why I wanted her to know, I just feel from what others have said about her (who don't know each other, and all their hearsay matched the other) that wives in (apparent) sexless marraiges, need to be aware of the reaction their spouse may take - whether right or wrong, there will sometimes be a reaction. I'm still working through NC but he still tries to pull me back, so I get up and down emotions. Last week she spoke to me for the first time - they've lived there 3 years + and she pulled over to offer me a lift. Seemed really friendly and chatty. He was at their door on arrival, with his arms folded. I couldn't wait to get away from them both for all kinds of reasons - mostly not wanting to be part of whatever the heck is their marriage. he rang straight away in a "friendly but determined way" and said "what's goingon there then?" I could have played games, not told him, let him sweat etc but that's not me, so I told him she offered me a lift, it was ony around 30 seconds int he car. I asked what she said, he said he hadn't "had chance" to speak to her yet. I guess he thought I was an easier one ot check with first...? I said she ws really nice, I harldy spoke, and he snapped "yeah well you don't know what she's like inside do you?" Like he didn't want me to be swayed by her. The next day he wandered over, I asked if she'd mentioned the lift and he said that she'd commeneted that I seemed to need a friend mroe than anything. I still don't know if I should tell her, but there was no d-day, though a few weeks before I ended it, he told me she had been asking him why he looks up at my window alot and one day I did see her looking up at my window. Whether it was coincidence she asked me for a lift or if she was checking me out I don't know, but one thing I feel is that you just never know what is going on in a marriage and you must only tell her if you feel it is right and can live with the consequences. In the end I don't want her to know, the main reason being I have no idea what could appen and that is too frightening to take the risk. She could be hurt (how could I live with myself, it is bad enough I fell for his lines) or I could be hurt more (the hurt I am dealing with is more than enough). I don't think telling her would bring him to you - has this ever happened with an OW/OM? - but I'd suggest think of the worst case scenario outcome, then double it and if you still feel it is necessary, then tell her. If nothing else, at least you're giving her the chance to find someone better than him. Edited June 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to deleted post. 1
spiderowl Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Uhm Ok? Aren't you one of those people who feel the BS NEEDS to know? But, in my case it is childish because it is for my own emotional needs? Doesn't really make sense. It seems to me the reason you want to tell her is because you are angry with him for having lied to you about his circumstances. In your situation, I would feel the same way, that his wife should also know what a lying toad he is. I think I'd feel it was unfair that he should do this to a woman (women?) and still have a loving wife back home to go back to. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Yes, I am not doing this for the primary reason of helping out the BS...true. That isn't to say I don't feel for her being married to him and not knowing what he's been up to. She seems like a decent person...I've always said that on these boards. I suspect she is an intelligent woman and a good mother...regardless of the horror stories Mr ExMM told me. I'm sure she'd be surprised to read what he has said about her, frankly. I do hope if you choose to forward everything to her, you do apologize for your part in the A. Yes, he is a liar, a cheat and a manipulator, but you chose to believe him. A lot of this IS on him for leading you on, but you do share some of blame as well.. All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be nice to just dump all of this on her, blame her husband for it all and walk away. DO know that by telling her the truth, she may want to speak to you. Would you speak to her and answer her questions if she wanted to talk to you? And yes, xMM would probably hate you and you'd never hear from him again. Though with that said, be prepared for his wrath on some level, he could very easily get a hold of tons of people in your life and tell them stuff as well. Just saying the fallout could be bigger than you expect. Another option is, seeking counseling and talking to someone professional to help you let go, to get closure so you can move on with your life. 1
WakingUp Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I do agree, it would help to move on faster. The truth sets us all free. 1
Author Goodbye Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 I do hope if you choose to forward everything to her, you do apologize for your part in the A. Yes, he is a liar, a cheat and a manipulator, but you chose to believe him. A lot of this IS on him for leading you on, but you do share some of blame as well.. All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be nice to just dump all of this on her, blame her husband for it all and walk away. DO know that by telling her the truth, she may want to speak to you. Would you speak to her and answer her questions if she wanted to talk to you? And yes, xMM would probably hate you and you'd never hear from him again. Though with that said, be prepared for his wrath on some level, he could very easily get a hold of tons of people in your life and tell them stuff as well. Just saying the fallout could be bigger than you expect. Another option is, seeking counseling and talking to someone professional to help you let go, to get closure so you can move on with your life. I "chose" to believe him? Seriously? Is his wife "choosing" to believe that he is faithful? I'm not a friggin' psychic. I also "chose" to no longer be with him after he finally "chose" to disclose to me that he'd made up the story about getting a divorce at his wife's desire.
The Way I Am Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I "chose" to believe him? Seriously? Is his wife "choosing" to believe that he is faithful? I'm not a friggin' psychic. I also "chose" to no longer be with him after he finally "chose" to disclose to me that he'd made up the story about getting a divorce at his wife's desire. I agree with WWIU. If he had lied and said he was single and not married, you'd be a completely innocent victim. Both you and his wife are his victims, but going in, you had the knowledge that he wasn't single. You knew he was married and chose to believe him on the state of his marriage without verifying. Before you got involved, you could have asked to speak to his wife to make sure they really were ending their relationship. If you ask that, and the guy says no, then the relationship isn't at a point where he should be dating. If you can't have a rational discussion with the wife/ex, either he's lying or the in-progress split is too volatile to be a healthy situation. I'm not saying that as criticism or judgement. You made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes and are gullible sometimes. We just have to own to our mistakes and gullibility. 2
White Flower Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 CIH...I didn't KNOW what HE was doing to his wife all along. It was only in March that he told me his wife had never asked him for a divorce...that he'd made that all up. Actually, his story was quite compelling, which is why I'd be inclined to send HER the emails. I know it is the desire of most BS's to think their innocent, loving H was swept off his feet by some stealthy, calculating OW...but that aint the case here. The only visit I feel remorse about was our last visit...the only one when I was "in the know" and that is the one when I told him he needed to come clean to his W or I would for him. Hi Goodbye:p I'm not sure the Big Exposure will do what you think it will. You simply cannot believe what many BW (including myself) will tolerate in the name of love, competition, or codependency. Last summer I called BW to let her know she was begging a man to come back after having sex with me every single night during their separation and if she really wanted him after that she could have him. She confronted him and he admitted it and she still took him. She may have been sickened by the mind movies but competing with me is what got her off so I guess she won that battle, lol. I laugh because I don't compete for men. Anyway, I think you have to create your own sense of peace and focus in order to stop the stewing. But if you have to disclose, the email full of promises might show her who she's living with. I wish you well in your quest to put this to rest. 2
chickenlicken Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 I respect the fact that you are honest about your reasons for wanting to tell his wife. I will never tell the wife in my own situation because I believe it would cause him to retaliate against me. Everybody's different though. As painful as it may be for you right now, I really believe that with the exception of a few moments of release when the wife finds out & there's an explosion of activity, it will be equally, if not more painful afterwards. I think that it would be in your best interest to keep going on the road you're on, and keep working towards releasing the situation. Don't revive it in any way. That's my take on it. 1
Author Goodbye Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Hi Goodbye:p I'm not sure the Big Exposure will do what you think it will. You simply cannot believe what many BW (including myself) will tolerate in the name of love, competition, or codependency. Last summer I called BW to let her know she was begging a man to come back after having sex with me every single night during their separation and if she really wanted him after that she could have him. She confronted him and he admitted it and she still took him. She may have been sickened by the mind movies but competing with me is what got her off so I guess she won that battle, lol. I laugh because I don't compete for men. Anyway, I think you have to create your own sense of peace and focus in order to stop the stewing. But if you have to disclose, the email full of promises might show her who she's living with. I wish you well in your quest to put this to rest. Yes, thanks. Well, I completely expect that she would stay with him. Which is completely fine by me. Again...call me the evil OW, but I'm doing this for myself...if I do. I don't compete for men either. He is ALL hers. That doesn't mean I don't want him to sweat it.
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Yes, thanks. Well, I completely expect that she would stay with him. Which is completely fine by me. Again...call me the evil OW, but I'm doing this for myself...if I do. I don't compete for men either. He is ALL hers. That doesn't mean I don't want him to sweat it. Then tell her. Just own your part in it and as I said, don't put all the blame on him. Yes, he lied to you, many times...He's a real shi.t for doing that! I said before too, if you tell, just be aware that there could be fallout and reaction so be prepared for anything. Don't assume by telling her, they both are out of your life forever. That could happen, hope it does for your sake, but chances are, he'll be pissed and want some sort of revenge, since the guy is a snake.
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I "chose" to believe him? Seriously? Is his wife "choosing" to believe that he is faithful? I'm not a friggin' psychic. I also "chose" to no longer be with him after he finally "chose" to disclose to me that he'd made up the story about getting a divorce at his wife's desire. At least he admitted to you that he lied. Most MM don't! Not that it makes it any easier.
Author Goodbye Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 At least he admitted to you that he lied. Most MM don't! Not that it makes it any easier. Yes, I agree with that. I think it just got too difficult to keep up his side of the story...that he was living alone and all. Even long distance, that is a hard lie to maintain.
seren Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Why not just aske her what she wants to have information about, unless there is a need to send her stuff at her workplace, where she will have no choice but to have all the details spew onto her desk when she is least expecting it and then for her to have to deal with it while she is at work and have to get through the day or look foolish while she processes everything. If you want closure for yourself, it would be kinder to tell her you have information, details etc and then wait for her to ask you for whatever it is you have. I am not sure if you want closure, which I would have thought should come from the WS or to hurt the BS. I have had information posted through my mailbox by the OW, I didn't look at all of it, to know there was an A was enough. TBH, it made me think she was desperate to cause trouble, that might be how the BS sees it, it might also not result in closure, but reopen it with them both against you. Either way, it will have consequences which may or may not play out as you need. I hope you find peace either way.
MissBee Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Over and over again I read about OW telling the wife because she felt so guilty or telling her because she has the "right" to know the truth. I want to tell the BS, but not for either of those reasons. That is honest. It has been nearly two months since my last contact with the exMM. In his last email, he claimed he was "taking a break" to "fix" himself and that he'd come find me someday because he wants to marry me, etc. Our one year R was filled with promises. Looking back, he was an obsessive future faker. I'd never heard that term before coming to LS, but it fits perfectly in our situation. A little background...my exMM was my bf years ago. For various reasons, mainly to do with living in different countries and not having money, we broke up. We both married other people. I divorced. We reconnected as friends though our alumni association. It was clear there was still chemistry. He fabricated a massive story about how his wife told him she'd fallen out of love and didn't see a future. They were headed for divorce, but needed to work out the details. Our friendship turned into a PA, with promises of him moving east to be with me. Eventually the promises became empty to me...and I became confrontational. Last March, he admitted he made up everything about his wife wanting out...that in fact, she was content in their "sexless" marriage. I threatened to tell her...he claimed he would, and then asked for "space." Why now? Because I can't stop thinking about him, and playing it all over and over in my head. I know his lies go both ways. I'm sickened by the thought that he was likely having sex with both of us. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo. Like there never really was and end. If I send her a certified letter to her work place (can't do it to their home, he works there) detailing the affair, she would know and he would HATE me. He would hate me, which is really painful, but at least it would be done. Over. I'd know what the ending was. I have no idea if she'd stay with him or not. If she read his emails...I kind of doubt it. As I said, he was a future faker who laid it on THICK. Yes, it would hurt her. Yes, she is the innocent victim of HIM. At least he wouldn't be getting away with all his (^*& lies. I have a feeling if I don't do this, I'll still be posting here, talking about my NC status five years from now. Opinions? I doubt you'll be posting about the same thing 5 years from now. You know what the ending is right now...he's a future faker and is staying put. How come that's not sufficient for an end? You can tell her if you want to, as it's good for her to know, but I'd examine why I needed him to hate me in order to move on/know it's the end and examine if you're assigning him too much power in terms of you moving on with your life.
stillafool Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I "chose" to believe him? Seriously? Is his wife "choosing" to believe that he is faithful? I'm not a friggin' psychic. I also "chose" to no longer be with him after he finally "chose" to disclose to me that he'd made up the story about getting a divorce at his wife's desire. I can pretty much guarantee he was not in a sexless marriage either. This guy has probably had other OW.
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