Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Over and over again I read about OW telling the wife because she felt so guilty or telling her because she has the "right" to know the truth. I want to tell the BS, but not for either of those reasons. That is honest. It has been nearly two months since my last contact with the exMM. In his last email, he claimed he was "taking a break" to "fix" himself and that he'd come find me someday because he wants to marry me, etc. Our one year R was filled with promises. Looking back, he was an obsessive future faker. I'd never heard that term before coming to LS, but it fits perfectly in our situation. A little background...my exMM was my bf years ago. For various reasons, mainly to do with living in different countries and not having money, we broke up. We both married other people. I divorced. We reconnected as friends though our alumni association. It was clear there was still chemistry. He fabricated a massive story about how his wife told him she'd fallen out of love and didn't see a future. They were headed for divorce, but needed to work out the details. Our friendship turned into a PA, with promises of him moving east to be with me. Eventually the promises became empty to me...and I became confrontational. Last March, he admitted he made up everything about his wife wanting out...that in fact, she was content in their "sexless" marriage. I threatened to tell her...he claimed he would, and then asked for "space." Why now? Because I can't stop thinking about him, and playing it all over and over in my head. I know his lies go both ways. I'm sickened by the thought that he was likely having sex with both of us. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo. Like there never really was and end. If I send her a certified letter to her work place (can't do it to their home, he works there) detailing the affair, she would know and he would HATE me. He would hate me, which is really painful, but at least it would be done. Over. I'd know what the ending was. I have no idea if she'd stay with him or not. If she read his emails...I kind of doubt it. As I said, he was a future faker who laid it on THICK. Yes, it would hurt her. Yes, she is the innocent victim of HIM. At least he wouldn't be getting away with all his (^*& lies. I have a feeling if I don't do this, I'll still be posting here, talking about my NC status five years from now. Opinions? 1
Lillyfree Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Over and over again I read about OW telling the wife because she felt so guilty or telling her because she has the "right" to know the truth. I want to tell the BS, but not for either of those reasons. That is honest. It has been nearly two months since my last contact with the exMM. In his last email, he claimed he was "taking a break" to "fix" himself and that he'd come find me someday because he wants to marry me, etc. Our one year R was filled with promises. Looking back, he was an obsessive future faker. I'd never heard that term before coming to LS, but it fits perfectly in our situation. A little background...my exMM was my bf years ago. For various reasons, mainly to do with living in different countries and not having money, we broke up. We both married other people. I divorced. We reconnected as friends though our alumni association. It was clear there was still chemistry. He fabricated a massive story about how his wife told him she'd fallen out of love and didn't see a future. They were headed for divorce, but needed to work out the details. Our friendship turned into a PA, with promises of him moving east to be with me. Eventually the promises became empty to me...and I became confrontational. Last March, he admitted he made up everything about his wife wanting out...that in fact, she was content in their "sexless" marriage. I threatened to tell her...he claimed he would, and then asked for "space." Why now? Because I can't stop thinking about him, and playing it all over and over in my head. I know his lies go both ways. I'm sickened by the thought that he was likely having sex with both of us. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo. Like there never really was and end. If I send her a certified letter to her work place (can't do it to their home, he works there) detailing the affair, she would know and he would HATE me. He would hate me, which is really painful, but at least it would be done. Over. I'd know what the ending was. I have no idea if she'd stay with him or not. If she read his emails...I kind of doubt it. As I said, he was a future faker who laid it on THICK. Yes, it would hurt her. Yes, she is the innocent victim of HIM. At least he wouldn't be getting away with all his (^*& lies. I have a feeling if I don't do this, I'll still be posting here, talking about my NC status five years from now. Opinions? bolded kind of says it all. she has no idea, i'm sure of it. i believe that telling the BS should be reviewed on case-by-case basis; i haven't told OM's gf and never will. however, in this case you should. he sounds like and arse and i'd bet you wouldn't be the first or the last... so it will benefit the BS to find out. whatever your reason for telling her is. 2
threelaurels Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 What is it about telling her that you think will push you out of limbo? His resulting hatred of you? The knowledge that everything is now out in the open? I think you should tell, but I'm not sure it will give you what you're looking for. It may, or it may not. That's a risk you'll have to take. 6
WakingUp Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Goodbye, I don't know if you remember me but I told his BS. And the situation didn't go the way I expected. If you need to do it for your own sake, then do it. I felt better immediately because I felt the truth was on the table. It gave me peace to just get it out there and relieved some of my guilt. I thought I had closure, and I felt validated, as though I was real and our relationship had been real and not just some imaginary secret. However, I expected closure in the form of being thrown to the wolves... not what I have now. Which I wont go into now, but its all out there in another thread. If you really feel the need to do it, and I know you have thought about it for a long time, then do. It may be the only chance you have of getting through this. You have a whole life ahead of you... and you need to not have too many regrets. From what I have seen you post... get it out there girl. But be prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be. 1
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 What is it about telling her that you think will push you out of limbo? His resulting hatred of you? The knowledge that everything is now out in the open? I think you should tell, but I'm not sure it will give you what you're looking for. It may, or it may not. That's a risk you'll have to take. The hatred would push me out of limbo. When I end things with him (I did it a few times) he'd always get the last word in via email or voicemail saying something like "I understand what you need to do, but I love you and I always will...I'm going to fix my situation and I will come and find you." Such statements reopen the door a bit...logically I know it is bullsh*t, but emotionally, it leaves me hope, because regardless of all of this I really, really loved him. In our last chapter, I threatened to contact his wife because he was clearly stringing both of us along and he said "Don't let this end with me hating you." I guess that would be my answer. 1
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Goodbye, I don't know if you remember me but I told his BS. And the situation didn't go the way I expected. If you need to do it for your own sake, then do it. I felt better immediately because I felt the truth was on the table. It gave me peace to just get it out there and relieved some of my guilt. I thought I had closure, and I felt validated, as though I was real and our relationship had been real and not just some imaginary secret. However, I expected closure in the form of being thrown to the wolves... not what I have now. Which I wont go into now, but its all out there in another thread. If you really feel the need to do it, and I know you have thought about it for a long time, then do. It may be the only chance you have of getting through this. You have a whole life ahead of you... and you need to not have too many regrets. From what I have seen you post... get it out there girl. But be prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be. Thanks WakingUp. Could you elaborate on what has happened? It sounds like it was cathartic for you. As I said in my opening statement...this is about ME. Yes. I am justifiably angry and I do not feel that he should be able to continue in his charade. I have no idea how the BS would respond. I have great certainty that he'll talk, talk, talk his way out of it...or at least try to. But, our emails, photos, travel records speak volumes. Denial would have to be pretty thick to ignore the facts of the situation. In his email, he very specifically talks about how he has a lawyer, is living separately, she wants a divorce, they are putting the house on the market...ALL LIES.
ComingInHot Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 good morning goodbye* Well you probably know my thoughts but I'll say it til the day I die, the Truth is always best. You're right, His Wife Will be hurt. A's do that. They hurt people, many people including you. And MM may be ngry and "hate" you but he KNEW what he was doing to both You and His Wife all along. The consequenses of his actions are his to bare. When you Do inform his Wife, I hope and pray for: -His Wife to accepts the information -Forgives you (whether you ask or not) for her own healing -You are able to close, lock then shread this A door (cause do you Really want this guy if he does D or His W kicks him out?!) -Your love/hate/longing for him becomes Indifference -You begin living life authentically & honestly and happily ever after! -Finally (and this is Me being selfish*) You Do stay here Posting on LS 5 years down the road but in the capacity of helping others in your stitch whom need Your words of wisdom & support. 2
threelaurels Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The hatred would push me out of limbo. When I end things with him (I did it a few times) he'd always get the last word in via email or voicemail saying something like "I understand what you need to do, but I love you and I always will...I'm going to fix my situation and I will come and find you." Such statements reopen the door a bit...logically I know it is bullsh*t, but emotionally, it leaves me hope, because regardless of all of this I really, really loved him. In our last chapter, I threatened to contact his wife because he was clearly stringing both of us along and he said "Don't let this end with me hating you." I guess that would be my answer. I understand what you're saying. While his reaction will finally close that door for you, it may also open up a new door that will involve you in their drama. To prevent this, you should consider sending her evidence of the affair along with the letter to confirm your story and to provide her with something she can use if she chooses to divorce him. Even if you leave out your contact info, she most likely still has ways of finding you and getting in touch with you. If she has all the evidence she needs, there is really no other reason to contact you other than for her own closure. In the letter, you can try to provide her with that by talking about the 'why' of the affair if you're comfortable with it. Then, ask her politely not to contact you again and explain your reasons for not wanting contact. 2
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 good morning goodbye* Well you probably know my thoughts but I'll say it til the day I die, the Truth is always best. You're right, His Wife Will be hurt. A's do that. They hurt people, many people including you. And MM may be ngry and "hate" you but he KNEW what he was doing to both You and His Wife all along. The consequenses of his actions are his to bare. When you Do inform his Wife, I hope and pray for: -His Wife to accepts the information -Forgives you (whether you ask or not) for her own healing -You are able to close, lock then shread this A door (cause do you Really want this guy if he does D or His W kicks him out?!) -Your love/hate/longing for him becomes Indifference -You begin living life authentically & honestly and happily ever after! -Finally (and this is Me being selfish*) You Do stay here Posting on LS 5 years down the road but in the capacity of helping others in your stitch whom need Your words of wisdom & support. CIH...I didn't KNOW what HE was doing to his wife all along. It was only in March that he told me his wife had never asked him for a divorce...that he'd made that all up. Actually, his story was quite compelling, which is why I'd be inclined to send HER the emails. I know it is the desire of most BS's to think their innocent, loving H was swept off his feet by some stealthy, calculating OW...but that aint the case here. The only visit I feel remorse about was our last visit...the only one when I was "in the know" and that is the one when I told him he needed to come clean to his W or I would for him.
ComingInHot Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 goodbye, did I say something wrong?? I was trying to be supportive of you and make you feel better* If I missed the mark, I apologize. 1
Sooverhim Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi Goodbye! I'm sorry for your pain, your XMM does seem intent to keep stringing you along and leaving the door open for possible reconciliation should things not work out with his W. Would it not be better to just leave them to it? XMM has made his choice to still be with her. You are not with him any more. Would it not be better for you to try and move on with your life? Telling his W would be very hurtful for her, do you think it would do her any good? Is it not best to let sleeping dogs lie? The best of luck to you whatever you decide. Oh boy, getting involved in As is so traumatic for everyone, don't you just wish none of us had bothered!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi Goodbye! I'm sorry for your pain, your XMM does seem intent to keep stringing you along and leaving the door open for possible reconciliation should things not work out with his W. Would it not be better to just leave them to it? XMM has made his choice to still be with her. You are not with him any more. Would it not be better for you to try and move on with your life? Telling his W would be very hurtful for her, do you think it would do her any good? Is it not best to let sleeping dogs lie? The best of luck to you whatever you decide. Oh boy, getting involved in As is so traumatic for everyone, don't you just wish none of us had bothered! You can tell her but it's not going to fix what's broken. If you knew knew he was married then you are completely culpable, though you'd like someone else to suffer so that you can pretend not to be. She's the victim and you can use her even more for your own purposes but you won't grow from it. Only in finding your own way out of this will you heal and learn. Traumatizing another person because you're too weak to standup for what's healthy for you is the coward's way out in my opinion. Accept some personal accountability for your past and your future. 3
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 You can tell her but it's not going to fix what's broken. If you knew knew he was married then you are completely culpable, though you'd like someone else to suffer so that you can pretend not to be. She's the victim and you can use her even more for your own purposes but you won't grow from it. Only in finding your own way out of this will you heal and learn. Traumatizing another person because you're too weak to standup for what's healthy for you is the coward's way out in my opinion. Accept some personal accountability for your past and your future. Please read my posts.
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Hi Goodbye! I'm sorry for your pain, your XMM does seem intent to keep stringing you along and leaving the door open for possible reconciliation should things not work out with his W. Would it not be better to just leave them to it? XMM has made his choice to still be with her. You are not with him any more. Would it not be better for you to try and move on with your life? Telling his W would be very hurtful for her, do you think it would do her any good? Is it not best to let sleeping dogs lie? The best of luck to you whatever you decide. Oh boy, getting involved in As is so traumatic for everyone, don't you just wish none of us had bothered![/QUOTe] Yes. I completely agree with you that NC and moving on would be the best and the most dignified way to address the situation. However, this has not worked for me. It has left me stuck and stewing. I am not someone who believes every situation requires exposure, but I'm feeling it may put things to rest in my situation. Edited June 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I have. So you believed i liar. His wife can't fix what's broken in you. Hate him for yourself. Get over it yourself. You need to betray him in order for him to hate you because you can't emotionally stand up for yourself? You want to bring someone else into the equation? How adult does that sound? It's YOUR fight. He used you. (I'm sure he uses plenty of people) you can't hate him on your own for what he's done? You won't grow until you do this for yourself. 1
PhoenixRise Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The hatred would push me out of limbo. When I end things with him (I did it a few times) he'd always get the last word in via email or voicemail saying something like "I understand what you need to do, but I love you and I always will...I'm going to fix my situation and I will come and find you." Such statements reopen the door a bit...logically I know it is bullsh*t, but emotionally, it leaves me hope, because regardless of all of this I really, really loved him. In our last chapter, I threatened to contact his wife because he was clearly stringing both of us along and he said "Don't let this end with me hating you." I guess that would be my answer. Goodbye I am all in favor of the wife bing told. I think if you are doing it for your benefit rather than hers that is ok. I believe the BS needs to be told. However, I don't think it is healthy for YOU to do this hoping that his emotional reaction will push you out of limbo. If that is your goal I think it will backfire. Based on what you have posted about this man and the massive manipulation he is capable of I think it is safe to say that his statement about not letting this end with him hating you was NOT an actual warning that he would hate you if you told his wife. It was a manipulation. It was a play on your feelings for him. He knows you love him so he used your fear of losing his love and having that love turn to hate to silence you. That's it. What he said didn't mean anything beyond that. What will you do when you tell and he doesn't hate you? Or when you tell and he hates you/ is pissed off for awhile but when the dust settles he comes back and says he understands why you did it........ but guess what, he is still married. Tell the wife. Please. But don't let you getting completely out of a situation tha YOU have decided is not good for you be contingent on him hating you, because what if he doesn't? If it ends let it be because you decided. Let it be because you want better for your life than he can give you. Don't let it depend on what you think will be the emotional reaction of a man who regularly uses emotions to manipulate.
Helen A Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I know you are hurt and it's a horrible feeling not having any closure. But you don't need closure from him you can get your own closure. As much as you'd love to tell his wife ( for whatever reason) this wont solve anything or undo how much he's hurt you, lied to you etc. Itl just hurt an innocent woman and break her heart. She may also go crazy and you don't know what she'd do to you. My advice is to cry, blog, come on here read baggage reclaim by Natalie rue and give yourself TIME it's a great healer. Don't tell his wife. Give yourself a few months to sort yourself out and you'll be glad he's our of your life. You'll be OK but think hard, to do this would have serious consequences and you stole wouldn't get what you want It's hard I know. Hoping you feel better soon, x 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It's good that you're being honest with yourself about your reasons, but I agree with what other people have said. Don't do it because some part of you hopes he'll come back. I know you didn't say that's what you're expecting...but in the event that has crossed your mind, push it from your mind entirely. The choice is yours. Do you want to tell his BS, knowing he'll hate you, so that you can finally be rid of him, and have some peace of mind that you gave her the due she deserved? If so, then by all means, do so. It sounds like he really has been lying to both of you. I'm sorry that you got roped in; some people are exceptionally good liars; clearly, he is among them. Now that you know that, you can break away from him, and find something so much better-hopefully this time with someone single. Best of luck, whatever you choose to do. 1
SoleMate Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I think telling the BS with the goal of finally rupturing the A and helping the ex-AP out of limbo is one of the best-intended and realistic outcomes of disclosure. So although I usually come down against telling, in your case, GB, I say go ahead. Just be braced for the ugliness (from both), it is near inevitable. Also make sure to just do a fact-filled, non-editorial report. Then his true feelings will be made clear to you, your limbo is over and you move on. I also agree with CIH that your future advice here on LS is of enormous value. 2
SoleMate Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 In the end he beat me in a drunken rage. That was more than enough closure for me. That is horrible and it is definitely a possible reaction (again, from exMM or even BS). So GB, please stay safe. Do not agree to meet either of them in person, ever.
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 good morning goodbye* Well you probably know my thoughts but I'll say it til the day I die, the Truth is always best. You're right, His Wife Will be hurt. A's do that. They hurt people, many people including you. And MM may be ngry and "hate" you but he KNEW what he was doing to both You and His Wife all along. The consequenses of his actions are his to bare. When you Do inform his Wife, I hope and pray for: -His Wife to accepts the information -Forgives you (whether you ask or not) for her own healing -You are able to close, lock then shread this A door (cause do you Really want this guy if he does D or His W kicks him out?!) -Your love/hate/longing for him becomes Indifference -You begin living life authentically & honestly and happily ever after! -Finally (and this is Me being selfish*) You Do stay here Posting on LS 5 years down the road but in the capacity of helping others in your stitch whom need Your words of wisdom & support. CIH, Sorry...misread your post. I think you get it. And yes, I hope indifference is the end result for all involved in this mess.
BetrayedH Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I realize you are not inquiring about doing this for the sake of the BS. That said, she really is in a similar position as you - being a victim of his lies and manipulation. My view is that exposure may help close the door for you and it would help her to also get out of a crappy relationship with the same man. While I don't fully understand why you don't empathize with her, my hope is that you would eventually see her in a similar light as yourself; she just doesn't know she's being manipulated yet. Hopefully, exposure helps you both. 3
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I have. So you believed i liar. His wife can't fix what's broken in you. Hate him for yourself. Get over it yourself. You need to betray him in order for him to hate you because you can't emotionally stand up for yourself? You want to bring someone else into the equation? How adult does that sound? It's YOUR fight. He used you. (I'm sure he uses plenty of people) you can't hate him on your own for what he's done? You won't grow until you do this for yourself. Uhm Ok? Aren't you one of those people who feel the BS NEEDS to know? But, in my case it is childish because it is for my own emotional needs? Doesn't really make sense.
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I realize you are not inquiring about doing this for the sake of the BS. That said, she really is in a similar position as you - being a victim of his lies and manipulation. My view is that exposure may help close the door for you and it would help her to also get out of a crappy relationship with the same man. While I don't fully understand why you don't empathize with her, my hope is that you would eventually see her in a similar light as yourself; she just doesn't know she's being manipulated yet. Hopefully, exposure helps you both. Yes, I am not doing this for the primary reason of helping out the BS...true. That isn't to say I don't feel for her being married to him and not knowing what he's been up to. She seems like a decent person...I've always said that on these boards. I suspect she is an intelligent woman and a good mother...regardless of the horror stories Mr ExMM told me. I'm sure she'd be surprised to read what he has said about her, frankly.
Author Goodbye Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I told for my own purpose as well. He had waffled so much. Even left her twice, then went back. I was done. I told for a multitude of reasons, but I'd say the main reason was to put the final proverbial nail in our coffin. To open it up and let him hate me, let her hate me..etc but also have her know what type of man she married and let him deal with the fall out. Ya..didn't work out as I'd anticipated. He didn't hate me, he begged and begged for me, made me guilty for not wanting to continue with him, made me guilty for what he was dealing with..etc. I know that he just didn't want to lose me in case he couldn't fix what I'd done with the bs. I was his fall back and I needed to be there for the aftermath of what I'd done to his life. In the end he beat me in a drunken rage. That was more than enough closure for me. I'm very sorry to hear that it turned violent. That is awful.
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