FreyaEArth Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Will try to stick to relative points. My question is what do i do until i can really make a move. should i make a move, is there something that may help that i havent thought of? Feeling intolerant, burnt out, a bit over it. I've been through anger, hurt, sadness, desperation, jealousy, all all that, i am now much more open, stronger, and just willing to resolve things. I am in a relationship with a gender neutral person - androgynous. Bio Born female. I am female. We have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. My partner has their share of sexual insecurities after some problems in the family home growing up. This has lead to secrecy and feeling inadequate and untrustworthy feelings in our relationship. After 2.5 years of constant issues that we have been working through to resolve ie. effects of my partners past addiction being childhood porn addiction which was a way to cope with outside issues. We have mostly restored our relationship with harmony and clarity on both sides and my partner has grown in huge amounts. There is something my partner struggles with - mainly simply being honest and communication when there is something she cannot deal with. I am at a point in our relationship where I have made it clear that a) I am here to talk to and it would benifet us both if problems were talked about when arised. b) I am not here to judge and that in my books, honesty and open-ness wins respect, companionship and trust even if it is something hard to hear that may sound hindering to our relationship - as apposed to hiding it in fear that it will ruin the relationship. I would be intimate and sexual with my partner even if she told me she is attracted to other women, but as long as her intentions are faithful and to resolve things naturally i would be good to go. but if i feel this lingering in her, something that she can't talk about, there will be no connection between us! *NOTE: problems my partner has don't bother me. She can open up to me about anything in the world. and has when she finally feels she can let her guard down. It is HIDING it that bothers me because i feel she is choosing to not trust me, choosing to hide parts of herself and basically sweeping things under the rug in hope everything will be ok. I have this curse of sniffing ANYTHING that isn't of a secure standpoint. Sometimes i have to pretend that i havent picked up on body language etc because i can't be bothered with dealing it AGAIN because i pick up something is wrong even before she does. I has taken me a while to learn how to cope with this ability and to not let it turn into a negative trait. For me it should be positive and helpful but sometimes people aren't just ready to open up right? C)All of the fights we have EVER had have been over this one thing . My partner not being able to open up when it counts. It is not even the thing being hidden that hurts us as much as the secrecy. but she doesnt get that. So we are here again after a long battle that we thought we won. My partner has been dealing with a complex about being attracted to EVERY women under a respective age. not because she is, but because porn taught her to. I am not even bothered by this, it is the fact that when someone triggers this problem (usually its someone who reminds her of her past) she has to hide it. She feels guilty over being attracted to women because she is in a relationship, i guess this is what stops her from opening up. At this point i guess i should tell you that the addiction was from the age of 10-15 . Unfortunately for a child of this age to be hiding this addiction and relying on this addiction to escape home life, and even to the extent to inflict harm on oneself as a punishment, this has effects and consequences such as warped concepts, warped beliefs, it develops the issues ive explained above etc. it has just not been healthy experience for my partner to then continue to go out and have a healthy adult relationship. (now 20) My partner is intelligent, and can spot a lie in someone else from a mile away, she is caring, intuitive, and very very likable, we have the same ideas, interests, goals - i don't understand what i have to show her that it is okay for her to show her good AND bad side. without thinking we will break up. Maybe she is avoiding that because deep down she WANTS to break up but can't deal with it yet. The past 3 weeks we have barely had a romantic, touchy, tender relationship, as my partner has felt secretive over one single customer coming into the workplace who reminded her of a -maybe a porn star or prostitute and since then shes become all weird. What upsets me is that after more than 2 years of opening up and working through this issue she still didn't come to me openly to say 'hey, i had a relapse or I feel these undesired feelings' in fear ill just blow up. When it is clear the only thing i blow up over is the fact that she wont open up. It is hard to have a relationship when she is secretive because it changes her whole persona, her voice changes, her mood, her general output on life becomes negative, fearful, and she regresses to being someone she isn't. I have offered time apart, i have offered to seperate, i have said there is a big wide world out there that she can go explore in and i have explained that as soon as i am independent enough, if the issues really cannot be resolved i will leave anyway.we are currently bound by a visa and in november we will be legally allowed to separate without any drastic consequences as deportation etc. So we have really been forced to work it out till then. We should be proud of where we have come and we are, it just seems so silly that a problem cant be talked about when it arises. i mean really? whats the defensiveness for? who cares if she was attractive, who cares if her boobs were out and you thought of porn just be open and be you. Yes ive told her this before many times. being in a situation bound by law, In a way it has been very helpful and allowed us to grow as people, instead of running away in anger . Her fear is that if she leaves she will go on to repeat patterns with other people, or worse to repeat patterns so they can treat her just as bad as she thinks she treats me (looking at other women, mentally cheating) but it has tested us over and over, to stripping us down to barely anything left...but to communicate...but still we move on and in her head she is not allowed to be a real person with problems, or a sexuality and i feel she is desperate for space to figure what the heck is going on but either wont admit it, or it is something I am missing. yes she has seen a Councillor and it has helped she also receives reiki and mentoring ... What do i do ? open to ideas. Thanks a lot
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