financial question

[lakeshore678]

I am 56 years old. I have been married for 8 months to my husband. When we got married, I retired and moved to where he lives, but I cannot collect retirement until age 591/2. I gave my car to my son so he could get back and forth to college. My husband keeps talking about getting a car for me, but it hasn't happened. He keeps talking about getting me on his checking account, but it hasn't happened. He buys the groceries and I have no access to any disposable income. I just sit here and make dinner and wait for him to get home every day. I took $10,000 from my 401k to have some way of getting some things, but that will be used up eventually. He makes good money but I am beginning to feel like a caged bird. He buys himself whatever he wants without consulting with me. Am I wrong to feel trapped? He is kind to me. The other night he came home with a $700 bed for the upstairs. I told him I felt bad that I didn't have any input and he said, "I can spend hand over fist on you, but if I want something you complain". I have never asked him for anything. I am a frugal person and don't waste money. What should I do?

[GorillaTheater]

Get a job.

 

Tough without a car, unless public transportation is an option.

 

First order of business is transportation. How big of a hardship would it be on your son to get your car back? Any possibility of getting a car from friends or family? How about pushing the issue of a car a little harder with your husband?

[lakeshore678]

Get a job.

 

Gee thanks. I have worked my entire life and am not lazy. I don't have a car. We live out in the country on 80 acres of land and it's a 1/2 hour commute to ANYWHERE. Out here, at my age, a job would be minimum wage in a convenience store or something and it probably wouldn't even cover my gas. AND I have a B.A. in finance and English and have always had good jobs.

 

I wouldn't have asked for advice if it was that simple.

 

I was asking because I wondered if it seemed normal to others to be in this situation.

 

I have always been independent and I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much "freedom" or what.

[lakeshore678]

Tough without a car, unless public transportation is an option.

 

First order of business is transportation. How big of a hardship would it be on your son to get your car back? Any possibility of getting a car from friends or family? How about pushing the issue of a car a little harder with your husband?

 

Thanks. I guess I will just have to sit down and explain how important it is that we invest in something reliable for me to drive.

 

I don't think I can ask for the car back from my son.

 

I really feel like I should help him as much as I reasonably can, since he's a freshman in college.

 

Maybe deep down I feel a little hurt, since he has to give his ex-wife 400 dollars a week in alimony.

 

Just seems like I could have my name on the checkbook and, like, be able to get a haircut or something without asking.

[GorillaTheater]

Just seems like I could have my name on the checkbook and, like, be able to get a haircut or something without asking.

 

I agree and no, I certainly don't think you're asking too much.

 

Horses and barn doors and all that, but did you realize how controlling your husband would be? Might be rhetorical, because I'm guessing the answer is "no".

 

Time to have a very serious conversation with your husband, and depending on what you think his reaction may be and how strongly you feel about the whole thing, maybe even have a Plan B in mind as far as living arrangements.

[clia]

This sounds like a terrible situation. Was there an agreement between the two of you that you would retire to move in with him and he would support you until you could collect Social Security?

 

If I were you, on Saturday morning I would make him get in the car, drive to the bank, put you on his checking account, then the two of you drive straight over to the used car lot to get you a car.

 

What is his excuse when you talk to him about it?

[tbf]

He called me soon after his wife left him. Has dated no one else.

This is relevant, especially when combined with his initial commitment issues and now, major control issues. This man has major baggage he hasn't addressed. Handle with kid gloves.

[carhill]

OP, I went back and read your first thread on LS:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/323227-question-you#post3957713

 

Perhaps some reflection on that, as it is relevant to the current situation and topic, would be worthwhile.

 

It appears you have a history with this man, are both of middle age (as am I) and entered into this with eyes open. What would you be doing if you were, today, living alone in your condo? As I see it, you and he each have income and assets to contribute, just from different places. You're retired and are living on retirement income and savings; he's still actively working. You apparently sold your condo, which liquidated that asset into cash, and are living on his ranch. Your housing expenses have changed; conventional wisdom indicates to a lower amount than when living solo. Unclear if his have changed or not, though you did indicate he buys the groceries, so that's one example of how his living expenses have trended higher after marriage.

 

Generally, for folks our age, such matters are discussed, decided upon and any legal measures taken prior to getting married, rather than after. If no meeting of the minds, no marriage. Apparently, in your case, either such measures were not taken and/or things changed after marriage.

 

Tip: People who have a lot of money generally didn't get a lot of money by giving it away. Some people take that to an extreme, meaning they guard it and control it and the power it wields very judiciously and with intent. Unknown if your H is that kind of monied person or not. That said, in most jurisdictions, the money he's earning right now is marital income and the wealth it builds is a marital asset.

 

Good luck.

[lakeshore678]

Thanks for the input. We did discuss the situation before we married, but honestly, probably not resolved well enough.

 

Maybe I will talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel.

 

I think he would be stunned to hear that someone thought he had control issues.

 

Maybe I'll let him read this thread.

 

It might help to hear it from independent parties.

 

I haven't posted often here, but when I have, the advice has been awesome.

 

Thanks so much.

[Els]

Prior to moving out into the country with your husband, what did he say when you brought up the issue of finances, you being isolated from work, etc? Presumably he said something that led you to actually think that moving there with him would be a good idea? Could you remind him of that?