I just don't fit in

[nickkelly9]

I made a post earlier about new frustrations but I don't think I articulated myself well. I'm not sure I can articulate this now that I think about it.

 

I've just gotten to this point where I feel like I just don't belong. I don't want to go down the whole "suicide" discussion path on here and that's not really something that is on the table for me, so bear with me because I know it will sound like it.

 

It's just everywhere I go, every social situation I'm in, every time I meet a new woman, I just keep seeing the same scenarios play out. I see the way they react to me. They think I'm weird and different, a nerd, a dork. Even if they are still interesting in talking to me, even if I make them laugh, even if I ask and get their #, they don't see me like they see other men- I don't register as a potential mate.

 

There, that's it, that's what I was trying to get across earlier. I can approach and meet a new woman. I can make her laugh and get to know her, exchange information and make a connection. I can talk to her about hanging out and get a number. But it never goes any farther. They almost never return my texts or calls.

 

And that's the crux. It's because I am a good person and I am fun to talk to and I am likeable...but I'm just different. And in a way that makes me ineligible to be a mate. And so while they themselves might not be able to place it, they just know subconsciously it can go no farther.

 

The reason for the new frustration is because of the direction in my approach. I have no problems getting friendzoned, I did it successfully for many years. But now I am very forward with my level of interest, I let them know I'm attracted, I let them know I want to date them. And so while I am a cool, interesting, nice guy, they won't just break my heart to my face. In fact they probably are too confused by the conflict.

 

I have heard this from several women who have friendzoned me when I asked why they wouldn't date me or what I need to change. They say they don't know. They can't even define it. They say I'm great and I'll find someone.

 

But you know what? I have found no one. And no one has found me.

 

I'm just weird. I don't think I'm bad looking. I've been over how bad my teeth are. And so maybe that's it. But I'm scared that soon I will be getting them fixed, and when it's done, that nothing will change.

 

If you guys could really know me, you'd understand what I mean when I say different, weird, don't fit in. It's hard to put to words. I'm not afraid to talk to people or socialize, but I have a genius-level IQ and I think that I must just say and do things that resonate as so different that I am un-lovable.

 

It just seems like women will always pick a less intelligent, easier to relate to guy than me, even if he is dramatically worse in many other departments.

 

That's got to be it. I just don't project as normal. No matter how I've altered my style, my body, or even my personality, there will always be that difference that shines through.

 

And for whatever reason, it is a difference that no woman can love.

 

That's it. That's what I was trying to say earlier but I couldn't place it.

 

So I don't know where to go from here. That's why in my last thread I said I just feel like being quiet and not bothering anymore. It's because trying to get a woman and trying to change so I can get a woman, all of it has just become so taxing and has yielded nothing but pain. Sometimes immense pain.

 

It's like I don't know how to act anymore. I'm constantly trying to not be myself while at the same time being myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

Alright. Feel free to weigh in. I'm especially curious if now having sort of put it to words, if any women will find that they've run across guys that they might find attractive but just have "something" about them that makes them un-date-able.

[Roadkill007]

bolded are mine

 

If you guys could really know me, you'd understand what I mean when I say different, weird, don't fit in. It's hard to put to words. I'm not afraid to talk to people or socialize, but I have a genius-level IQ and I think that I must just say and do things that resonate as so different that I am un-lovable.

 

It just seems like women will always pick a less intelligent, easier to relate to guy than me, even if he is dramatically worse in many other departments.

 

So.... why not search for genius women to share your genius thoughts with? in other words, someone who will "get" you.

 

 

 

It's like I don't know how to act anymore. I'm constantly trying to not be myself while at the same time being myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

So take some time off mingling with people to find yourself again

 

 

 

Also, title of thread is kind of silly.... fitting in would be a problem more than anything, since you'd be indistinguishable from the masses . Hopefully you'll get some ideas from the few things I've gleaned from your posts. Gl!

[nickkelly9]

I gotta say I think not fitting in is the problem. I understand where you're coming from, you do want to stand out and be unique, but I am assuming that my uniqueness disqualifies me as a mate to women.

 

As for the other answers...women aren't attracted to intelligence. That's not to say they don't like it or respect it or want their man to have it. It's more something that makes them stay. But if they don't arrive in the first place, it's useless.

 

I have a very specific type of woman that I find irresistible and so far I have really struggled connecting with them.

 

As for part two, well that's kind of what I'm thinking. But it saddens me because I spent a lot of time working on myself and thought I'd get some results. Instead it looks like I have more time to wait.

 

And I'll be honest, I'm about to be 28 and I have never felt more alone or desperate for this in my life. The thought of shutting down and having to wait another 6 months, year, 2 years horrifies me.

 

I am starved for female contact and affection.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think it's kinda sad that threads like these get moved and ignored while threads about a lot more petty stuff get hundreds of posts.

 

Alls I can say is that you are doing things the right way. Professing interest early and going through a decent amount of women. That is the key. So keep doing that.

 

It'll take as long as it takes. I was about your age when I had my first kiss, girlfriend, etc.

 

The truth is that nobody cares really. So, you just have to find peace within yourself. Because the truth is, you could go your whole life without getting a woman, and you wouldn't be the first guy.

 

Here's something I thought of today. Harken back to that time when you were a child. When you were happy and didn't care about women that much. Instead of worrying about it so much, try and do some of the things that make you happy. When you are engaged in those activites, you will think less about your problems in love.

[nickkelly9]

I think I'm definitely going to try to just "take a break" and focus on other things. I have plenty that needs to be done.

 

I appreciate the sentiment about the thread because I've been feeling the same way. This forum has not yielded the discussions and solutions I'd hoped because for whatever reason my topics just don't gain traction.

[Beast_117]

I stopped caring about all that stuff a loooooong time ago. I feel so much better now, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

I'll probably go my entire life without ever kissing a girl..or even having a proper conversation with one and i won't lose any sleep over it or ever feel that dreadful depression again.

 

 

I'm not quite as old as you yet...so maybe my out look on this will change.But as of right now i just don't care at all anymore.

[SpiralOut]

I

 

That's got to be it. I just don't project as normal. No matter how I've altered my style, my body, or even my personality, there will always be that difference that shines through.

 

And for whatever reason, it is a difference that no woman can love.

 

That's it. That's what I was trying to say earlier but I couldn't place it.

 

So I don't know where to go from here. That's why in my last thread I said I just feel like being quiet and not bothering anymore. It's because trying to get a woman and trying to change so I can get a woman, all of it has just become so taxing and has yielded nothing but pain. Sometimes immense pain.

 

It's like I don't know how to act anymore. I'm constantly trying to not be myself while at the same time being myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.

 

Alright. Feel free to weigh in. I'm especially curious if now having sort of put it to words, if any women will find that they've run across guys that they might find attractive but just have "something" about them that makes them un-date-able.

 

I bolded the parts of your post that stood out the most to me. I don't know you at all, so it's possible that I'm TOTALLY wrong with what I'm about to say, so I hope it doesn't come across as offensive.

 

It is admirable to make self-improvements. I think we all go through that stage of bettering ourselves. However, I'm wondering how long you've been making changes in yourself and just how drastic these changes are. The way that you talk in your post, it sounds like you've made quite a few of them. Maybe these girls aren't freaked out by the "weirdness" shining through but more confused by it. Maybe there is a large discrepancy between your inner and outer self, the person you are trying to be and the person you are. If you've been confused about who you are, maybe they pick up on it and feel confused too.

 

I am saying this as someone who has been making big changes in myself and these are observations I've made about myself and other people around me while I figure myself out. As I said, I could be totally wrong about all of this, but that's the impression that I get. I bet there are women who might like the "difference" in you but they can't always see it since you're hiding it.

Edited June 30, 2013 by SpiralOut

[nickkelly9]

I don't see anything offensive about ur post.

 

I think u are on to something and so taking a break and really focusing on myself might be best.

 

Changes I've made include hair style, 50 lb weight gain (lifting weights), steadily updating my wardrobe, approaching more women, being more reserved about myself, less jokes.

 

I know how important humor is but before I was like Chandler from Friends. I hid behind humor. I constantly used it, whether it was self deprication or joking about others, as a way to keep people laughing and make it seem like people were liking me. But the reality is no one was really getting to know me, and sometimes the jokes were hurtful, both to others and even myself.

 

People who know me have said I'm more quiet, more reserved, sometimes they've said I'm meaner or colder because I've become more blunt and straight to the point. The testosterone supplements I take for my work out have made me more aggressive.

 

So I think there's a lot of personality things that have been tweaked as well as the physical, and I'm kind of experiencing things through a new prism. And maybe that's causing me to be a little more awkward than I'd like.

 

It's a good theory and one that, as long as I'm taking some time to look at myself, I will really consider.

[jesk]

What kind of women are you trying to meet?

 

I know when I go out to bars/clubs...there is a level of expectancy that I have with the men who will hit on me. I'm not expecting anything with depth, lsdyinh -although if that happened, yay-, a few drinks, a dance, exchange numbers and that's it. At the most, a few dates. I know nothing will come from it, other than an ego boost.

 

Perhaps, that's what these women are thinking when they meet you. Have you tried going to a different type of social functions to meet them other than the ones you frequent?

[HokeyReligions]

Ill weigh in. Granted an online forum only allows a hairs width view of a person but your posts come across, in my perspective, as somewhat aloof and forced. Perhaps you project that in person. There have been some men in my life that have an air of mystery that makes me want to know more about them. And others with an air of mystery that seems almost sinister. They were probably nice guys but it seemed like they were very scripted in their approach. Funny had a good time, stimulating conversation but at the same time it almost felt as though I were being tested.

 

When I met my husband he felt so down to earth and his pick up lines were so obvious and campy but sincere and endearing. The mystery with him was I really thought he was gay but hadn't admitted it to himself! Nothing overt but a lot like the character Chandler on an old TV show Friends.

 

Maybe you need to relax more and share more of yourself or your childhood thereby giving your dates a deeper plane on which to find commonalities and establish a connection.

[fibertype]

Your original post sounded prejudiced that women in general don't like high intelligence. You've been meeting women that friendzoned you and from that experience you've assumed it!

 

You also sound like you're openly shallow "I have a very specific type of woman that I find irresistible and so far I have really struggled connecting with them" and those women you've been meeting are they reciprocating wanting to connect with you? You can try as much as you want but be patient or you'll feel like you did in your second post on this thread. It is because of being picky you aren't seeing the other women out there.

 

Everyone here has given really good advice for someone in your position and their experiences as well.

 

It's your mentality about yourself that's unattractive not your intelligence. Everyone has desired traits and strange qualities so show those ladies it and you want someone that's attracted to you and not an act. Think about it if you're finally in a relationship.

[nickkelly9]

In response to fibertype:

 

To be honest my assumption about women not prioritizing intelligence comes from yes experience, but also observation and even research. I'll look it up if you like, or you can Google it, but even a recent study found that women rated intelligence the lowest when it came to attraction.

 

I know it seems to be on the misogynistic side, but I really do feel like women wanting intelligence is just lip service. Just like sense of humor. Both of those things are great to have, but they really won't get you anywhere romantically. If they were really that key, I wouldn't have this issue because if you asked anyone to describe me with 5 words I bet smart and funny would be 2 of them every time.

 

I'll say that I've been accused of being shallow before, but I just have a type, and that's Hispanic women. I'm not attracted to any other ethnicity, not to the extreme that I am with Hispanic women. If I was dating a non-Hispanic woman, it would be a challenge for me not to always wonder if there was a Hispanic woman out there for me.

 

It may seem shallow but it's not really, I'd say. It's no different from women who only date black men, or any kind of situation like that. I don't have a narrowly defined body type, I'm not saying I only date women with double Ds, and I definitely have to get to know them because certain personalities aren't attractive to me.

 

So I'd really define it more as a type than being shallow. I have found it very hard to connect with my type though, because most of the Hispanic girls I meet (living in Texas) come from a culture where the men are supposed to be rough, hands on, controlling, mean, dumb, and it helps to love alcohol. I see so many girls I find attractive being bullied and treated crudely by men they would die for, men they've had 2-3 children with before the age of 23.

 

The tall, thin white man with glasses doesn't appeal to them, so it's hard to get my foot in the door.

 

Finally I am really interested what about my mentality comes across as unattractive. That's not such a common statement as "more confidence" or "love yourself". I'd like to hear more, you can reply here I don't mind or PM me. In fact I'll probably PM you.

 

Thx

[nickkelly9]

To HokeyReligions:

 

Like with fibertype, I'm curious as to how I come across as aloof and forced. I just need some clarification, I think it'll be an interested insight.

 

I will say that I think you feel that I have kind of a pick up artist approach, where I have certain routines or points that I want to hit, but I really don't. So hopefully I don't come across as scripted. I notice a lot of small details, and a lot of times something I notice with be the ice breaker. The best conversations are always when we find some sort of common interest and I really get to hear their thoughts. If I have a script, basically I couldn't tell you what it is lol.

 

I hope I don't project a sinister air. I have overcome so many obstacles with regards to attraction and being social, I hope just seeming sinister isn't a new one lol.

 

And to jesk:

 

To be honest I approach and meet women everywhere. So they're not really in that kind of situation, which I think I feel you on, where it's girls' night out at the bar and they'll flirt along and collect #s just to have fun, nothing real.

 

I'm sure I've been that ego boost, but for the most part I don't think so just because to be honest I'm not in bars all that often and I rarely approach women in groups.

[anna121]

In response to fibertype:

I really do feel like women wanting intelligence is just lip service.

 

 

Sure. If they're DUMB women.

 

As for the underlying problem, this is where the limits of online discussions become really obvious.

 

So, my suggestion is to ask a female friend, preferably an intelligent one , for some no-holds-barred counsel on how you present.

 

If you don't have such a friend, secure one asap.

[nickkelly9]

I will say that I have asked a few but I think they are TOO good of friends because they always tell me oh you're great, you'll find someone, girls would be dumb not to want you, etc. I think they don't want to hurt my feelings.

 

I think that because how come they haven't tried to date me? How come they never try to set me up with their single friends?

 

Heck, one of my really good female friends is a girl I had a crush on at work a few years back. Ask her out, pursued her, was told time and again she did not want me. Somehow we became good friends though, and still are, and the last time I asked her what it was that kept me from having a girl she told me "I don't know".

 

Kinda frustrating when it comes to the female friends department.

[fibertype]

In response to fibertype:

 

To be honest my assumption about women not prioritizing intelligence comes from yes experience, but also observation and even research. I'll look it up if you like, or you can Google it, but even a recent study found that women rated intelligence the lowest when it came to attraction.

 

I know it seems to be on the misogynistic side, but I really do feel like women wanting intelligence is just lip service. Just like sense of humor. Both of those things are great to have, but they really won't get you anywhere romantically. If they were really that key, I wouldn't have this issue because if you asked anyone to describe me with 5 words I bet smart and funny would be 2 of them every time.

 

I'll say that I've been accused of being shallow before, but I just have a type, and that's Hispanic women. I'm not attracted to any other ethnicity, not to the extreme that I am with Hispanic women. If I was dating a non-Hispanic woman, it would be a challenge for me not to always wonder if there was a Hispanic woman out there for me.

 

It may seem shallow but it's not really, I'd say. It's no different from women who only date black men, or any kind of situation like that. I don't have a narrowly defined body type, I'm not saying I only date women with double Ds, and I definitely have to get to know them because certain personalities aren't attractive to me.

 

So I'd really define it more as a type than being shallow. I have found it very hard to connect with my type though, because most of the Hispanic girls I meet (living in Texas) come from a culture where the men are supposed to be rough, hands on, controlling, mean, dumb, and it helps to love alcohol. I see so many girls I find attractive being bullied and treated crudely by men they would die for, men they've had 2-3 children with before the age of 23.

 

The tall, thin white man with glasses doesn't appeal to them, so it's hard to get my foot in the door.

 

Finally I am really interested what about my mentality comes across as unattractive. That's not such a common statement as "more confidence" or "love yourself". I'd like to hear more, you can reply here I don't mind or PM me. In fact I'll probably PM you.

 

Thx

Whoa, you misunderstood some points I've wrote. And hi! It's been awhile.

 

First of all I'm not highlighting intelligence as important or not important - it's not relevant in what I see as the problem that's causing your dismay. You are saying that your intelligence is causing your problem. I was trying to say high intelligence is not a turn-off nor is it a turn-on in your situation, in my opinion. Other qualities in a person besides intelligence is important to a woman. It's true being smart and funny is a preferred trait in the U.S. but remember those aren't the only attributes of a person. It takes more than those attributes to attract and interest a person, there are other qualities like dedication and awareness. So funny and smart are the parts the ladies compliment you on and you know it's good when they see you in that regard as great, so if that's not the problem then what you're complaining about is not the problem. Did that last sentence make sense? (Hopefully)

 

And hey! It's fine to be thought of as shallow cuz everyone is to a certain extent but people don't openly express it, thus the "openly shallow". And that next paragraph also seems to be prejudiced. I'm not saying what you wrote isn't true but it sounds like you're generalizing about the majority of Hispanic men and women. I'm not arguing if they'd agree or disagree cuz I'm not all of them.

 

I think a person of any ethnicity can look attractive to me but like you I have more of a preference for certain ones, Latinos and Asians. I don't know why you prefer Hispanic women more but for me it was culture. I wanted to be with someone who had a culture that was colorful and based on family values similar to mine. But guess what the guy I'm with is a "tall, thin white man with glasses" that I had zero interest in (no, not cuz he's white). Like you he is trying to improve certain 'flaws' he sees in himself, he also worked out a lot like you and did the supplement thing in the past, and he's starting to work out again. He also flaunts his intelligence and speaks about science, math, music, drugs, animals, sports very often. He has wit and humor. None of those things I listed was what got me attracted. The reason I stayed with him is because of his respect for my boundaries. I didn't even express it. He didn't make me uncomfortable and didn't force anything on me. I wasn't interested in dating white guys cuz usually their lifestyle and tradition is so different and I did not want to be lumped into a stereotype with a white guy. And it's true, but he's learning for the first time many things about my parent's culture and he's been labelled without a thought by others. It may not be your intelligence that is hindering you from hooking up with Hispanic women, it could be a generalization about you and your background. Or maybe a worry about their culture colliding with yours, though Texas and Mexico are so close there should already be some mixing. If it gives you hope that what you imagine is possible, in western Washington where I live, it's not uncommon to see a Caucasian person with a Hispanic person and gender for either ethnicity doesn't matter. <-- (sorry for the long explanation but I felt you needed a connection, and I've put too much info about myself and bf that I'm a lil uncomfortable with. Oh well!)

 

The 'mentality' part I was talking about is that you seem to be blaming your intelligence for not being able to connect with women and how you've succumbed to the idea you have no options to turn it around. You've wrote to us you are able to connect with women and have great conversations. They're totally fine with your intelligence. It's like what HokeyReligions is trying to say is that maybe you come across as closed and you're not being yourself that they are more aware of and noting that to themselves. You see yourself as undesirable but you sound like you have a lot of potential as a partner and you don't see that in yourself because you are basing it on how you interpret others' opinions. You do have value as a human being and mate, if you didn't your lady friends wouldn't be friends with you anymore or care about not hurting you.

 

Also, my boyfriend after a long term relationship ended relapsed into depression and felt no woman would ever want him again. Thoughts of suicide. Sociopathic tendencies and thoughts. He was genuinely surprised that he felt something for me. I was surprised as hell that he was like that before he met me!

[Nistan]

Question:

How sexually forward are you?

 

This is what I have seen. It's one thing to be forward with asking about dates. It's another thing to be sexually forward.

 

Women, in this day and age, are the sexual equivalent of the loser man in his parents basement. She just don't want to do any of the work to get the sexual tension going. So she looks for a man that will provide this for her. Thats what they mean when they talk about men having "it".

 

So, try this:

Immagine yourself having sex with her while you talk her.

Touch her from the get go.

Lean in and kiss her at the end of a date (if she says no, be cool about it. Thats normal).

[DollWelch]

Alright. Feel free to weigh in. I'm especially curious if now having sort of put it to words, if any women will find that they've run across guys that they might find attractive but just have "something" about them that makes them un-date-able.

I completely understand; you're not alone. I could have written the same post, except I'm female. I am sorry you're going through this. I wish I had good advice, but I don't. Sometimes (or rather, most of the time) I am as clueless as you.

 

Don't lose hope -and keep your head up high. Hopefully you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. The fact that you are writing out your thoughts and feelings helps to put things into perspective.

 

Best of luck.

[thinman]

Honestly man, your best bet is to just forget about it for a while. Focus on improving yourself. I think one of the biggest mistakes we men make as a gender is focusing too much on women and what we can to do attract them. You're definitely trying too hard.

 

I've struggled my entire life with the opposite sex. I was a virgin into my early twenties, I've only had a handful of relationships...sex with about eight women and I'm twenty-five-years-old. A good majority of those were undesirable bar hoes and one night stands.

 

You can go to the gym, work out, buy a new wardrobe, get a new haircut...you can get tattoos, buy a nice car, have a good apartment, study pick up artists, go to clubs, learn how to dance...but at the end of the day, even if you meet some degree of success...if you're doing it for women? And not for yourself? You're wasting your time.

 

Women can be very fickle. I can't say I understand them, or that I even *want* to understand them. Honestly, I don't really give a f*ck any more, lol. Focus on what makes *you* happy. Do the things that *you* like to do. And sometimes that means suppressing that natural instinct to breed.

 

I'd like to have kids one day. That probably entails finding a good woman and marrying her at some point. I have this evil poison in my ballsack constantly reminding me of this "need". It's almost primal. We have this natural instinct to want to breed and spread our seed.

 

The sooner you're able to shelve that instinct and discover *yourself* and what *really* interests you...and how you *really* wanna be...the sooner you'll become a better human being and a happier member of society. Women will become an afterthought. Women *should* be an afterthought. Because life is so much more then sticking your wiener inside of a vagina.