Girlfriend Thinks She Is Overweight ... Not Sure How To Respond

[Brian83]

I have a girlfriend that seems overly concerned with her weight. I tell her almost every time we spend time together that she is beautiful or pretty or something along those lines because I really think she is a beautiful girl. Despite what I might say to her or what I think, it seems like her discontent with her weight can be overwhelming ... to a point where she'll not want me to touch her stomach if I put my arms around her because it makes her feel like she is overweight.

 

I really don't know what to say to her. I think she is way beautiful, and whether or not she weighs more than the "average" for her height, I don't know how to tell her that it doesn't bother me and that I like her for who she is, not how much she weighs. It's hard finding the right words, because it's quite a precarious topic.

 

Is there a certain way to approach the issue? I'm not sure if there are certain things to say or to not say. I want her to feel comfortable with herself.

 

Any help would be appreciated! - Brian

[dyermaker]

No more approaching it lightly. Be frank with her, and tell her to stop playing that game with you. Don't be stupid man, every girl wants to hear that she's beautiful, and the way she thinks she can get that out of you is by exploiting her self-esteem issues.

 

Turn it around on her. Shes' being destructive, and you need to call her on it.

I don't think you're fat.

 

When you freak out about whether you're fat, it's a slap in the face to my pride, because it's almost as if you don't trust me when I tell you you're beautiful.

[quankanne]

"you think you're fat where? *I* don't see it, but then again, I think you look pretty damned good to me."

 

my husband doesn't deny that I'm heavy, but he will describe me as "pleasingly plump," which makes me feel good that he doesn't have an issue with my weight just because it's there. For health reasons, yes, but he differentiates those reasons when they come up.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't think this is so much a game to get affirmation and ego strokes as some of you guys might think. Someone with low self esteem is more likely to look for attention in the eyes of strangers than her own mate. Simply because getting a compliment from your husband or long-term boyfriend is like getting a compliment from a "relative." For the most part, you know they're going to be kind and partial no matter what. It's like hearing your mother or father telling you how beautiful and wonderful you are. You already know their opinions are going to be bias. And a man who doesn't want his girlfriend or wife to completely flip out on him, ISN'T going to tell her he thinks she's getting a bit too pudgy. At least, not if he expects to ever get her naked again!

 

You will never understand how pressured many females feel to hold themselves up to the media's idea of "perfection." We know that our male counterparts are very much "visual" creatures whose sex drive depends greatly on whether or not he likes what he sees. In order to remain "desirable" to our mates, we are constantly checking ourselves against the competition. And as you guys probably already know, we females have A LOT of competition. There are far more beautiful ladies out there in the world than there are attractive, desirable men.

 

The best way I can describe it to a man is to say…we stress about our appearance in the same way a male stresses about his penis size and sexual performance. Even though your female lover tells you are "just fine," there's still that little voice of doubt nagging you inside, wondering how you "measure up." When a woman gains a few pounds or gets a wrinkle, she may stress out in the same way that a man might if he suddenly had trouble "getting it up" in bed.

 

The best thing I can suggest to you Brian---is if you think your girlfriend is sexy, attractive and beautiful…then keep telling her. But, not just when she "asks." Instead, allow your compliments to come when she least expects it. More importantly, the way you "treat" her and "show" her how much she means to you will go a lot further than words ever could. Do not stare at, flirt with or comment on other attractive women in her presence. Instead, make her feel as if she is the only woman in the world who could ever turn your head. Practice how to do that: and you'll lesson your chances of ever having to worry about her seeking attention and affirmation from another male.

[greenlove]

Hi Brian,

 

funny enough you call yourself Brian b/c my bf name is Brian too.

Anyway, I tell my boyfriend I'm fat all the freaking time. I can't help it. Its something that's

been inplanted into my brain and I'm always complaining about my weight when deep down

I know I'm really not fat. Of course I'm not the perfect size 0 I want to be (maybe an exageration) but the point is I know I'll never be happy with my weight.

 

This is my problem, not anyone elses. And I figure as long as I'm not depressed about it, I'll be fine. You just need

to let her no she's beautiful and just honestly/sincerely tell her "No honey your not fat."

 

That what my guy does. When I make a big issue he dosen't say a word except for when I look at him and he tells me with his eyes your being ridiculous your not fat.

 

Then I know I went overboard and need to shout up. Because he loves me the way I am. :>

[dyermaker]

EnigmaXOXO, I respectfully disagree.

 

I recognize the intense pressure that the media, parents, and cruel humanoids place on people, girls especially, to fit a certain image.

 

However, when you consistently need to be assured you're beautiful, you send a clear message to the male: I don't trust your evaluations of me.

 

It's destructive, and the only way to stop the cycle is to make her reassess the value of her man's opinion. Compliments are wonderful, but they should be motivated by love and appreciation, not a desire to inflate self-esteem.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I absolutely agree with you Dryer. But I wouldn't necessarily assume (yet) that the young lady in question was fishing for compliments from her boyfriend as a means to inflate her self esteem. At least not by the little bit of information given in the original post. Then again, my interpretation comes from the perspective of a female. A lot of women do this. Particularly young women (under the age of thirty) who have not yet acquired a deeper sense of "self" yet.

 

I also think its terribly self-defeating for any person, be they male or female, to constantly put themselves down or point out their flaws in front of others. Particularly if it's someone you are trying to impress! If you say it enough…others may actually start believing it. Or at the very least, reach the conclusion that the person has self-esteem issues when if fact they may just be overly body conscious.

 

I think Greenlove's response gives you a very good view into the inner workings of the female mind. While I don't think it represents ALL women, it does represent a good portion of the younger female population.

 

Even the most beautiful women will stand in front of a mirror and zero in on imaginary flaws when in fact others may find her absolutely "perfect." It's been my experience having many stunningly beautiful friends, and having listened to the many "do-you-think-my-butt's-too-big" conversations between my own daughter and her friends, that the MORE attractive a young lady is…the more hyper vigilant she is about her body image. Thus, when it comes to eating disorders and the plastic surgery industry, woman prevail.

 

I don't know if this is solely a "female" phenomena, though. I know many guys who worry about the same thing…they're just not as vocal or "openly" expressive about it as women are (by nature). For instance, my companion is PERFECT to me in every way imaginable. He's absolutely gorgeous (when he's not making goofy faces) and he gets A LOT of attention from other females as well. But, because he's comfortable with me, he will often complain that his calves are too skinny or that he needs a chemical peel because he doesn't like his complexion. There's nothing wrong with either, and I think he's out of his mind when he starts pointing out things that aren't even there. But in no way is he fishing for compliments or reassurance from me, because the one thing he doesn't lack is self-confidence. He's as secure with himself---"on the inside"---as any man I have ever met.

 

I'm hoping Brian gets more responses to his post from both males and females. I think it will be interesting to see if the differences in views are gender related or just based on individual personal perceptions.

[savethedrama4allama]

Sometimes hearing "you're beautiful" from your significant other is like hearing it from your mom.

 

Know what I'm saying?

 

Of course you want to tell us we're beautiful. You want us to be happy. You want to feel like the kind of person who is capable of dating a hottie. You want confident, uninhibited sex.

 

This might be what she is thinking. It may be why she does not value your opinion or believe you. Sometimes I feel it too. The compliments that I take most seriously are ones from other women. I know that they are not just trying to flatter me or get me in bed, they are sincere.

[tiki]

My fiance had a heart to heart with me. I don't know how serious your relationship is, but our convo went down as such...

 

He asked me how I'd feel if the man I loved, wanted to spend the rest of my life with, wouldn't allow me to see him naked? And if I had explained to him over and over that I thought his body was perfect, and was perfect to me, and he still hid it. And how would I feel never fully getting to see that body?

 

Psychologist Kevin Lehman says to flaunt your flaws. I think I'm fine with me.

 

The more I show, the less attention he pays to me. For instance, if I hang out in the nude, he grows so accustomed to my bod. If I show him a limited amount, he always is trying to sneak a peek.

 

Give her time. Hopefully she'll come around. Tell her you don't want to spend your life with a woman whom never shows you her body (which you happen to love).

[greenlove]

I don’t agree at all with Dyermaker –frankly he made me laugh. I don’t think you understand women very well. From my view as a woman and knowing a lot of women I have to say I don't believe it is a game we play, at least not the majority of us.

 

And as for Enigma, I agree with most of your views. However, I don’t think it fair to assume that being body conscious is something that only affects the younger female population. Granted I am a key example and am in that 30 and under bracket, but I feel offended by that. You said yourself when it comes to eating disorders and the plastic surgery industry, woman prevail. Who do you think are having these plastic surgeries? Its the 30 and over bracket that are feeling self-conscious and can afford these surgeries to reverse time, right.

 

There is no age or gender to this issue. Its just how a person perseves themselves and most women feel more pressured by society.

[EnigmaXOXO]

However, I don’t think it fair to assume that being body conscious is something that only affects the younger female population.

 

You're right Greenlove, and I never meant to insinuate that it was "only" younger females. There is pressure to remain young and beautiful across the age gap. However, the older you get the less you tend to focus so much of your time and energy nit-picking your outward appearance, and the more you redirect your focus inward towards personal growth and introspection. It's just so hard to explain to someone who hasn't reached this point in their life yet. It's almost as if --- the older you get, the more comfortable you become in your own skin. Or maybe most eventually just give up because they realize that fighting against mother nature and father time is a battle no mortal can win.

 

And yes!...Older women are more likely to be able to afford those costly cosmetic procedures to remain marketable in a society which places so much emphasis on youth and beauty. But I know a lot of college age girls who are now asking for boob jobs instead of the traditional cars and trips they use to receive as graduation presents.

 

Whether others consider a woman's critical assessment of her own body as sign of 'insecurity' or 'vanity' is subject to individual interpretation, I suppose. But I don't think Brian's girlfriend is necessarily "insecure." I could absolutely be wrong…but I'm more inclined to think that Brian just hasn't had the opportunity to spend a lot of time around us females. Eventually he'll get use to the fact that ... for the most part ... we're just overly emotional, neurotic and crazy.

[faux]

Although this girl's constant need to express her displeasure with her weight may not be a 'game', it certainly is destructive, and should stop. The boyfriend, I would imagine, feels as though he no longer means very much to his girlfriend, and that his beliefs are not being taken into the slightest of consideration. I would find being in a relationship with someone as negative as this girl would be unbearable for me.

 

Perhaps this sounds cruel, but I can see myself saying the following in a similar situation: "Please, stop talking about how unhappy you are with your weight. I think that you are beautiful, desireable, and I choose to be with you. This, apparently, seems to have absolutely no impact on you, and it seems as though I am unimportant. Seeing as nothing that I do or say seems to help you, can you please just stop talking to me about your weight? I think it is pointless for you to complain to me so much that your negativity depresses me, and then expect me to sit here and listen to it, and constantly put forth emotional support which does not seem to make any difference. I do not think that I can, or want to, deal with this negativity any longer."

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

Sometimes hearing "you're beautiful" from your significant other is like hearing it from your mom....You want confident, uninhibited sex.

From mom?

 

 

[savethedrama4allama]

Yeah, dyer. From mom. Or from llamas.