shadowsfall Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 My girlfriend (26) and I (28) have been dating 3.5 years, and living together for 1 year. For the entire duration of our relationship I have remained a secret to her parents, which is causing me to feel much resentment toward her. She is from the south and her parents are very strict Christian fundamentalists who view the concept of cohabitation before marriage as morally inexcusable. Add to this situation the fact that I am an atheist, and her parents support her financially and needless to say she is full of guilt. We have had conversations about her telling the truth and she becomes mortified of the idea at this point. She is making strides to become financially independent which will help alleviate some of her guilt by being in a stronger position to justify her actions, but progress is slow. I have had to exercise extreme patience with her unrelenting pursuit to please her parents who only seem to love her conditionally and when it appeases their ideologies. The frequency and duration with which they communicate is excessive (5-6 times a day) and while I am at work for the majority of the communication during the week, night and weekend conversations have become torturous to deal with. We have had multiple discussions about every bit of resentment I've just mentioned and it was mutually understood that progress would be attempted. Call frequency and duration would be minimized around me and attempts would be made toward financial independence. I really do care for her and consider her my best friend but the lies to her parents and trepidation toward truth have me consumed with resentment and questioning our survival. I would very much like to remain in this relationship as there are many positives but my patience is wearing thin. Any insight would be greatly admired. Thanks in advance.
TheZebra Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 How exactly do you plan to make this relationship work..? How are you going to get married? Are you going to get yourself baptised and whatever else you need to do to marry in the church? How are you two going to deal with her parents and the fact that she's been lying to them about you for YEARS? Do you honestly expect she's going to talk to her parents less? People don't really change... no matter how much they say they will. Change is hard. What about your kids? How are they going to be raised? Seems like you're in for a difficult road... 1
KatZee Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 So your entire relationship is based on a foundation of lies. And do you really think once she becomes "financially responsible" her parents will be any more accepting of you? Of course not. They seem highly controlling, and heavily involved in your girlfriend's life. That will never change. What you see now, this is what you're going to get. And if they do one day find out about you, I'm sure they'll do everything in their power to destroy the relationship, since your beliefs are not their ideals. Don't think your girlfriend will ever stand up for herself, or you either. She hasn't done so thus far, and only allows her parents to manage her life. 2
Eggplant Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 You shouldn't have to be a secret. She has to woman up and tell her parents and stand her ground. It's her life and she has the right to make her own decisions without being ostracized. But it's ultimately her responsibility to you -- she has to do right by you if she wants to keep you. And you should not have to lie about your beliefs. My first boyfriend wanted me to lie in front of his stepdad and say I was religious. I would not.
Roadkill007 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 My girlfriend (26) and I (28) have been dating 3.5 years, and living together for 1 year. For the entire duration of our relationship I have remained a secret to her parents, which is causing me to feel much resentment toward her. She is from the south and her parents are very strict Christian fundamentalists who view the concept of cohabitation before marriage as morally inexcusable. Add to this situation the fact that I am an atheist, and her parents support her financially and needless to say she is full of guilt. We have had conversations about her telling the truth and she becomes mortified of the idea at this point. She is making strides to become financially independent which will help alleviate some of her guilt by being in a stronger position to justify her actions, but progress is slow. I have had to exercise extreme patience with her unrelenting pursuit to please her parents who only seem to love her conditionally and when it appeases their ideologies. The frequency and duration with which they communicate is excessive (5-6 times a day) and while I am at work for the majority of the communication during the week, night and weekend conversations have become torturous to deal with. We have had multiple discussions about every bit of resentment I've just mentioned and it was mutually understood that progress would be attempted. Call frequency and duration would be minimized around me and attempts would be made toward financial independence. I really do care for her and consider her my best friend but the lies to her parents and trepidation toward truth have me consumed with resentment and questioning our survival. I would very much like to remain in this relationship as there are many positives but my patience is wearing thin. Any insight would be greatly admired. Thanks in advance. So are you wanting to be accepted by her parents, or are you wanting your gf to break free of her parents? Seems like an explosive situation... I can just see parents surprise visiting her and finding you. She might not want to rock the boat, but it may rock regardless sooner or later. She may not want to, but eventually she's going to have to make a decision, or it'll be made for her. Then again, maybe she's hesitating because she's not sure about her future with you? What have you two talked about in terms of marriage and the future? 1
TheZebra Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 They seem highly controlling, and heavily involved in your girlfriend's life. That will never change. Amen, brother! My ex's mother was always extremely controlling towards him... controlled his bank accounts even. He was almost 30! This never changed... 5 year relationship. It will never change either. Glad I got out of that mess..
Els Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 When can she be able to extricate herself from financial dependence on her parents? Does she plan on changing things when she is able to?
CC12 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) We have had multiple discussions about every bit of resentment I've just mentioned and it was mutually understood that progress would be attempted. Call frequency and duration would be minimized around me and attempts would be made toward financial independence. How long ago did you come to that mutual understanding? Has it been long enough for any kind of progress to have been made? What attempts does she have planned toward her financial independence? Why isn't she already financially independent at 26 years old? Edited June 27, 2013 by CC12
Phantom888 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I am assuming she disagrees with her own upbringing. You've been together long enough to get married, yet you decided to live together instead. Why not just get married since you are already living like married people? Now you caused problems for yourselves, and resentment is building fast. You all should just come clean with her parents. No parents appreciate being lied to, and at least you should give them some respect. I'm sure it's so difficult for both of you to have to live a lie every single day.
atlg8r Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I grew up in a very religious house but turned my back on it from late in high school until my late 20s. But it's become very important to me over the last few years. I actually ended my relationship of seven years in large part due to the fact that I believe in God and my ex didn't know what he believed. (He was raised Catholic.) I wouldn't be surprised if, as time goes on, she returned to her "roots." But, regardless, 3.5 years is a long time to live like this. I doubt anything good will come of it.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Wow your gf really has it made huh? Financially supported at age 26, while keeping you a secret to her parents to keep the money rolling in. I mean gee - heaven forbid at 26 you actually have to WORK like an ADULT when you're living like one. This whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. What do they talk about 5-6 times a day, when she's essentially living a double life to stay on her parent's payroll? Do you actually have respect for her?
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