Long Term Relationship Quandry

[Glamourgeek]

This is the hardest decision of my life.

 

I've been in a long term relationship with my guy for 6 years, lived with him for 3, we're both in our mid twenties, I'm almost done my masters, he's going to start his as soon as I'm done. My issue is that I feel like our relationship is flickering, and I can't tell if I'm just needy, or if my emotional demands are reasonable. I have always been praised for how low maintenance I am, and I have a great relationship with his friends, I am one of the group - the issue is partly that he is obsessed with his creative pursuits, and has a full time job. Every day he works he comes home and works on his writing. Weekends, his 9-5 is writing, and life comes after. Our only time together outside of structured date time that happens hopefully once every week or two, is when he is done, and is watching a movie or television show, or video game of his choice and i can join in (we both love gaming). He has a very low libido, which makes me more insecure. He would consider marriage, though not through his own drive, because he doesn't really think it means anything, and his life long passion for writing always comes first, and he cant promise he will want children, and if he did it wont be fore another 10 years, although i believe that i would like one eventually. If I am busy, and doing my own thing, he is relieved because he is not neglecting me to do more writing. Distance doesn't make him seek intimacy. I have my own interests, a demanding education, and lots of my own friends and hobbies, but how much is too much independence? On the surface it looks like he's not looking to commit, or like he's taking me for granted, or not that into me after these 6 years, but the other side of the coin is mind boggling.

 

As I'm in a demanding grad program he has been paying my half of rent in our apartment for two years. He has co-signed on my loans because he wants me to be successful, and pushes me to be more disciplined (like him) because he 'hates to see wasted potential". He gives me lots of hugs and kisses in passing (we have always been a very snuggly couple), and can have great conversations that can span anything and everything for hours. We share certain passions, and pursue others separately. We have a great time partying together - and everyone who has had a chance to comment over the years has always lauded us as a kind of ideal couple. In six years, I have never yelled at him - and he has only yelled at me in a handful of times out of frustration (he has a slight temper), and has always been fair and rational shortly thereafter to talk about the problem. We have both been faithful the whole time, and never insulted one another. When we go out, he pays for us both because he understands I can't work and succeed in my masters. I have had lifelong depression, take medication, and go to regular therapy. Most people who know me have no idea that this is the case, as I do all those things to continue to be the functioning adult capable of happiness, laughter and hard work. He has been a very understanding and supportive partner regarding this, and is proud of me for dealing with it as I do, though sometimes I have burdened him with my self-esteem issues too much.

 

I'm at a loss, part of my heart is just aching to have him pay more attention to me, to spend more time, to reassure me without prompting him that he still thinks i'm amazing. I want him to want to call me, to seduce me, to focus on me - but I don't want to feel like i'm needy or nagging. If I leave, I'm afraid he will feel that I have used him for free rent, despite my previous loving promises to work while he does his degree.... Its equal parts good and bad. I have a person who I love to death, who loves me in their way (i think) and I can't seem to figure out if it's enough for me, if I should suck it up and see it as one more self-esteem/happiness issue to be coped with in my life OR if it's time to cut ties, go through the pain of losing a loved one, and hope to find someone who is more enthusiastic about a loving partner than an all consuming passion for his hobby. I apologize because I have now written an essay on this. If anyone actually got this far, you are really great people! What to do.... what to do....

[Els]

Hey. Always nice to meet a fellow female geek. Welcome to LS, if you're new.

 

This is the hardest decision of my life.

 

I've been in a long term relationship with my guy for 6 years, lived with him for 3, we're both in our mid twenties, I'm almost done my masters, he's going to start his as soon as I'm done. My issue is that I feel like our relationship is flickering, and I can't tell if I'm just needy, or if my emotional demands are reasonable. I have always been praised for how low maintenance I am, and I have a great relationship with his friends, I am one of the group - the issue is partly that he is obsessed with his creative pursuits, and has a full time job. Every day he works he comes home and works on his writing. Weekends, his 9-5 is writing, and life comes after. Our only time together outside of structured date time that happens hopefully once every week or two, is when he is done, and is watching a movie or television show, or video game of his choice and i can join in (we both love gaming). He has a very low libido, which makes me more insecure.

 

Eh. First things first - I don't think you're being needy at all. It's perfectly reasonable to want more time with your partner, IMO. I'm a fellow grad student, with plenty of my own hobbies that I can never seem to find enough time to indulge in all of them; the bf works 70-80 hours/week and is likewise with hobbies... and we still make time for each other. We go out together whenever we can (ie when he's not working and I'm not rushing a deadline), and we spend a couple of hours together everyday usually.

 

Does he make an effort at all outside of the time he spends working/writing, to spend time with you? The way you describe it is pretty worrisome - sounds like he just chooses whatever he wants to watch/play, and if you want to join him, fine, if you don't, he doesn't care. That doesn't sound good at all, if it's the case.

 

Also, going out once every 1-2 weeks is quite infrequent for childless couples.

 

He would consider marriage, though not through his own drive, because he doesn't really think it means anything, and his life long passion for writing always comes first, and he cant promise he will want children, and if he did it wont be fore another 10 years, although i believe that i would like one eventually. If I am busy, and doing my own thing, he is relieved because he is not neglecting me to do more writing. Distance doesn't make him seek intimacy. I have my own interests, a demanding education, and lots of my own friends and hobbies, but how much is too much independence? On the surface it looks like he's not looking to commit, or like he's taking me for granted, or not that into me after these 6 years, but the other side of the coin is mind boggling.

 

If a marriage and kids is important to you, you might really need to reconsider this guy. Not because it's been 6 years - you're mid twenties, which IMO is still fairly young to wed - but because he frankly says it 'doesn't mean anything' to him. Do you want a marriage in which the man is only married to you because you want him to be?

 

As I'm in a demanding grad program he has been paying my half of rent in our apartment for two years. He has co-signed on my loans because he wants me to be successful, and pushes me to be more disciplined (like him) because he 'hates to see wasted potential". He gives me lots of hugs and kisses in passing (we have always been a very snuggly couple), and can have great conversations that can span anything and everything for hours. We share certain passions, and pursue others separately. We have a great time partying together - and everyone who has had a chance to comment over the years has always lauded us as a kind of ideal couple. In six years, I have never yelled at him - and he has only yelled at me in a handful of times out of frustration (he has a slight temper), and has always been fair and rational shortly thereafter to talk about the problem. We have both been faithful the whole time, and never insulted one another. When we go out, he pays for us both because he understands I can't work and succeed in my masters. I have had lifelong depression, take medication, and go to regular therapy. Most people who know me have no idea that this is the case, as I do all those things to continue to be the functioning adult capable of happiness, laughter and hard work. He has been a very understanding and supportive partner regarding this, and is proud of me for dealing with it as I do, though sometimes I have burdened him with my self-esteem issues too much.

 

I'm at a loss, part of my heart is just aching to have him pay more attention to me, to spend more time, to reassure me without prompting him that he still thinks i'm amazing. I want him to want to call me, to seduce me, to focus on me - but I don't want to feel like i'm needy or nagging. If I leave, I'm afraid he will feel that I have used him for free rent, despite my previous loving promises to work while he does his degree.... Its equal parts good and bad. I have a person who I love to death, who loves me in their way (i think) and I can't seem to figure out if it's enough for me, if I should suck it up and see it as one more self-esteem/happiness issue to be coped with in my life OR if it's time to cut ties, go through the pain of losing a loved one, and hope to find someone who is more enthusiastic about a loving partner than an all consuming passion for his hobby. I apologize because I have now written an essay on this. If anyone actually got this far, you are really great people! What to do.... what to do....

 

Aaahhh, okay, now I get it. Different love languages. He expresses his love through acts of service and affectionate gestures - supporting you financially, hugs/kisses, etc. But what you really want more of is an effort to spend time together, right?

 

If you feel you do not mind his stance on marriage/kids (which you cannot change), then talk to him about the time together bit (which the two of you MIGHT be able to compromise on). Have you tried an honest, open conversation about that?

[Glamourgeek]

Thanks Elswyth! I am new to LS but I love how much experience is shared here. I really appreciate your reply.

 

I have tried to talk to him about these things, he says he agrees, that he wants to be a team and so on, but in practice he just blithely does his own thing... I bring it up, and then i'm just putting more stress on the relationship that is so close to breaking. He says there's no clear cut answers, but he wants to be with me. (also said in the most dispassionate tone imaginable *sigh*). We continue to say 'i love you', to cuddle, to chat, we have dinner movie plans for the weekend, but still i just feel like he would be relieved to be free of me, so he could more efficiently pursue his dream or just not have to worry about my unhappiness. I don't really mind his stance on kids/marriage because i haven't really fixed my opinion in stone either. I would have kid(s) and marry him if he was a loving partner who actually communicated that he felt lucky to have me. I am aware that if these things turn out in time to be deal-breakers, it will be harder to walk out on 12 years than on 6.

 

My heart aches - I'm procrastinating - I'm fixating on how I just want him to be excited to be with me. It hurts so much to be in this state of wanting to fix things, but not getting reassurance that it's mutual. Who would have thought that after 6 years I could find myself suddenly in unrequited love. I know he respects creative success so much, and I haven't achieved it really. My profession is architecture, and i dabble in many things that i'll never be great at - painting, piano, guitar, ukelele, graphic design ... architecture... I know he has judged me for my lack of dedication/success, mostly because I've judged myself, and who am i to blame him for internalizing what I put out there. The more success he has, the more he judges me. I feel like our problems are not incompatibility, but of inferiority, and I know that's not healthy - but as he is quite the aesthete it's a slippery slope to fall into. I just don't want to let go of so much. It's pretty clear neither of us is happy about the state of things. I think he envies his single friends, but not for typical male reasons. I've brought up our distance twice now, and both times, i just feel like I've made whatever we have left crumble faster.

 

I'm also afraid that i'm exaggerating these worries because I distrust the easy solution (to maintain the status quo, to continue to not bring up the taboo topics, to accept what love i get, to keep the partner i've had for so long) I could also be exaggerating his lack of attachment through my own insecurity.

 

I know that I could find someone else - I know i have a lot going for me and i'll still be pretty for a few years yet , but all I want is him... And that's all I would be looking for. The worst part is knowing that it is primarily the fact that I am unhappy with the relationship that makes him defensive and retreat. I feel like covering up my unhappiness might work short term, but i'm not sure if it would just make the existing problems worse, drawing me further into a painful one-sided love, or whether or not it could create a bridge to reconnect and heal the partnership.

 

Since we've been together since I was 20, my whole adult life has been with him. We've backpacked Italy, taken road trips, bought a cat... I've had long hair, short hair, pink hair...He's been a freelance writer in PJs, and a coms man in a suit making 90k. I've been to his first stand up comedy shows, he cheered at mine. We've both had successes, failures, sicknesses.... His mother calls me part of the family... I'm at a loss as to how those things don't seem to affect him like they affect me.

[Els]

Always happy to help, OP.

 

Have you ever read the 5 Love Languages book? I hate to promote relationship books, because I think a lot of them are, pardon me, a load of crock, but this one in particular I find insightful - mostly because it emphasizes how people are different and how they can work on their differences, rather than espousing a one-size-fits-all solution. If you don't feel like buying it, Google the synopsis - I think it may be very relevant to your situation.

 

It's tough to give you my opinion based off of two posts, but it does seem to me that he does love you, in his own way. He just doesn't express it in the same way you do. I say this mainly because it's quite clear that his passion, writing, lies outside his job - the only reason he seems to be working a full-time job alongside his writing at all is for money. Am I correct? In that case, money would be an important point to him, because if he did not need so much of it to pay for two people, he could downsize to a part-time job and have more time for writing. So what he is doing for you seems, to me at least, to be quite a huge sacrifice, and I can only think of one reason for someone to do that - love. Obviously, all of this is conjecture and inference on my behalf, so do feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Now... love alone isn't enough to make long, happy relationships, as I am sure you are aware of. Compatibility matters too. I don't think you're being insecure - you have every right to desire someone who wants to express his love to you in the ways you need. And, if you genuinely feel he is judging you as an inferior and that he envies his single friends, then those are additional problems that you need to consider. However, I don't think it's productive to think that he would be 'relieved' if he was free of you - unless he has expressed desire to leave and you're trying to hold him back by any method conceivable (which I doubt you are), he is free to leave whenever he wants. So I think it's pretty safe to say that if he's with you, he wants to be there, otherwise he would have left of his own accord.

 

You have many, many years yet to be 'pretty', y'know. I used to worry about the 'pretty years' too a few years back. Well here I am, at 26, and I think I don't look any worse than when I was 21, so chances are, I won't look awful at 31. And neither will you.

 

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, aside from all these ramblings, but I don't think a 6-year R is one that you should make the decision to stay or leave based on a stranger's opinion. Especially as it seems to be a grey area in your case, incompatibility rather than straight-up poor treatment, abuse, cheating, etc.

 

It's never easy, but unfortunately life doesn't usually present easy choices to us. Hope that helped somewhat.

Edited June 27, 2013 by Elswyth