LinkWorshiper Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 To keep a long story short, my boyfriend of 2.5 years and I had a messy breakup about five months ago. He went off the grid and I panicked my way into the hospital after a major breakdown about it. Flash forward a bit, we started talking more regularly again after I ran into him on the street and quelled his fears that interacting with me wouldn't be as scary as he thought. We had a conversation about taking baby steps, working on ourselves, moving forward from there, so I was kind of under the impression that we were taking it slow so that we didn't mess up putting everything back together. We would hang out, sometimes because I invited him, sometimes because he invited me, or sometimes just because we arranged to find time to hang out. Sometimes I'd drop in on him at work, sometimes I'd not be available when he asked me out to do things with him; sometimes he'd text me something silly from work he thought I'd like, sometimes I'd randomly message him to say hi, etc. etc. All in all, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of keeping it casual, though I definitely didn't make it a secret that I still loved him and wanted to eventually work things out with him, mostly because I thought it wouldn't do to be dishonest, though he would often reply with convoluted answers that weren't really one way or the other when I did. In any case, one of the things he had said he was working on about himself was his communication skills and his ability to talk about his feelings openly, which, truthfully, he always sucked at, so I was glad to try and help and lead by example, as it's not only something that would help our relationship, but something that people should just be good at for like... life. Incidentally, I think it is his failure at communication that has left me in this confusing mess, as his mixed messages have been pushing and pulling my emotions all over the place, and it's left me unable to figure out what to do. Two weeks ago was the last straw, though. He came on hard with the flirting, sexting me all week, asking me to send him cute photos of myself while he sent me shirtless photos of himself. He asked me what he had to do to prove himself to me, what he had to show me to prove that he was "good". I could have sworn he wanted to get serious again. But then the next week he turned on a dime and got super quiet, and I knew it had to be more than work, because he could barely even be bothered to say a simple "Hello," which he usually would. So I insisted he tell me what was going on, stating that I've been trying hard to help him understand the **** I'm dealing with (mostly to do with my diagnosis from the hospital and what I'm working on to handle that), and that I can't understand him if he doesn't talk to me. So he invited me out to lunch and told me he'd met someone, though he was quick to add that he wasn't sure if he even wanted to pursue her, maybe they would be friends, the relationship would be difficult if it started, he wasn't sure, just feeling it out. Obviously I got very upset and cried a lot and told him I felt like he treated girls like hobbies, while he tried hard to bring the conversation back to casual topics and insisted that I was still important to him and we should go to a baseball game together that weekend. At first I was happy it didn't seem like he was cutting me out, especially since this girl seemed so up in the air, and I was excited at the prospect of going to the game with him because that was something we always liked to do in summertime. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that no matter what this new girl's deal was, I didn't like the idea that maybe he was stringing me along as a backup plan, so I called him and told him bluntly that it wasn't that I didn't want to have him in my life, or that I'd stopped caring about him, but until he figured out what he wanted to do, it might be better for us to take a little bit of space from each other. I elaborated a little bit why, told him I felt strung along, that the emotional push/pull was getting in the way of my own mental health's recovery, and that it wasn't fair for him to treat our relationship like it always was except for we don't have sex (which was the only thing he got huffy about, I guess because I hit the nail on the head). I said, 'Give me like two weeks so I can center myself, and we'll come back to it,' but he said, 'No, listen, don't put a time limit on it and take as much time as you need, and I'll take mine, and when you're ready, I'm here.' I hung up the phone, promptly cried, called my gay BFFL (who assured me I did the right thing) and then texted my boyfriend's roommate to ask when I could get the rest of my stuff. (And then promptly freaked out today when he responded about when I could....) I guess what I'm freaking out about now is, did I close the door on this whole thing? Dig my own grave? Did I mess it up by not just jumping into NC right away and actually trying to interact with him? I thought it was a good idea to stand up for myself and make my boyfriend know it wasn't okay for him to jerk me around like that, especially if he wasn't sure what his feelings were. I am hoping that a month or so of abruptly not having me in his life will help him evaluate what I mean to him. He told his roommate he had wanted to try friendship with me, but it's one thing to say that in confidence to someone else, and then when actually around me, behave in a much more... not just friends way... especially with all that flirting. Did the flirting mean anything at all? That he still has feelings and was trying them back on for size? This happened once before with us, where he was unsure about his feelings and the push/pull was happening until I put my foot down about it when it was too much, and he quickly cleaned up his ****. I guess I worry since the circumstance is more extreme, does this have a chance of playing out favorably for me? Or did I ruin it all? I love this stupid idiot so much, the idea of losing him kills me.
StrongLass Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 "Will Setting Boundaries or Hurt My Chances With My Ex?" Girl...you just IMPROVED your chances & you don't even seem to know it I hate to break it to you, but as someone who went through something similar in regards to the "ambiguity" (though I didn't put up with it for as long as you did) you've already lost him (for now) if he's being wishy washy about other women. "told me he'd met someone, though he was quick to add that he wasn't sure if he even wanted to pursue her, maybe they would be friends, the relationship would be difficult if it started, he wasn't sure, just feeling it out. " WTF is THAT CR*P???? Seriously. Don't settle for playing second fiddle to his every passing fancy when you really want to be the star of his life
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 The second I heard this wishywashy crap about this other girl was when I laid down the boundary that I wasn't okay with it. I told him I didn't want to have a relationship with him that he expected to to the exact same as our romantic one except without sex etc. I also told him his push pull was getting in the way of my mental well eing and also that if he was serious about pursuing this other girl, we should take space until he even figured out what the hell he wanted to do. I was okay with the wishy washy before because that read more like confusion, but I decided it would be best to make it clear that he doesn't get the comfort of my company without me getting the comfort of his. I am hoping that a few weeks of NC will highlight to him that he is losing something important. I guess I just wonder if that's really the case (it worked on him once before to get him to clean up his act). Or did I just slam the door and let him off the emotional hook? Which is the opposite of what I want and it makes me want to go running back that I made a mistake.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Addendum: like I don't want him to think I'm trying to move on of something.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Also what do you mean by improve?!
athousandquestions Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Look at it this way: When he told you about the other girl, you were really upset, right? You probably had thoughts of him with other girls, realized he's leaving you, the breakups real. He could date this other girl and throw you out entirely. You probably debated continuing to talk to him while he talks to her as well because you don't want to lose him. The fact is he will experience the same/similar emotions to YOU moving on. If you cut all contact with him ("I'm not going to interrupt or interfere with your new relationship."), get out there, start hitting the gym, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE and see other people, I guarantee this guy is gonna realize very quickly what he lost and try to contact you.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 I did debate just remaining his friend while he felt it out. I also debated just abruptly not talking to him without a warning, and was kind of sticking to that when he sent me a funny text literally hours later from work. But a friend of mine helped me realize that it was the best for everybody if I talked to him directly and explained why we should take a little space from each other, and setting up that phone call made me feel like I was dying. Even just talking to his roommate makes me feel like I'm being petty and giving the silent treatment or something, and it makes me feel bad and worry that he doesn't even give a **** that this is happening. I really hope that you are right and he comes around like he did last time. I don't think he had any clue what he was doing, and I imagine it will probably take a few weeks for it to settle in that I'm not there anymore. I guess worst case scenario he tries it out with this girl, though he didn't sound very certain of her even while talking to me, so I'm not super concerned she's going to take him away forever. (I mean, if he was so sure he was done with me, even if he wasn't serious about this girl, you'd think he'd make it clear he wanted to at least try after her for sure, right?) I'm kind of a shambles right now, and I had a very bad day that made my boss even suggest maybe I take some time off, though I at least try to keep stuff like that off FB or places where he could see. And I trust his roommate isn't the sort to go blabbing how upset I am about the whole scenario, but I still feel bad. I'm trying really hard to at least be strong, but inside, I just cry all the time.
flitzanu Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 so are you ok sitting at home waiting for him to come around while he's out banging this new girl?
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Not really. The idea of it is why I wanted to take space.... I knew if would kill me. But the idea of me even being involved with other people depresses me. Everything about the whole thing depresses me.
flitzanu Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Not really. The idea of it is why I wanted to take space.... I knew if would kill me. But the idea of me even being involved with other people depresses me. Everything about the whole thing depresses me. then you need to let that be your motivation. sitting at home waiting on some douche while he's out NOT caring about you is no way to live. go find your own life without him.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 I'm pretty sure he has no idea what the hell he wants so another part of me isn't even that worried it's serious. I know the best thing for potentially getting him back is to move on but I worry about him... I have this gut feeling he is going to self destruct. I can't even tell if he doesn't care or what... he told me he would be there whenever I wanted to talk to him again.
na49 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 No, your "setting boundaries" isn't "hurting your chances" with your ex. I blocked my ex off the face of the earth and even that didn't stop her from reaching out to me when she wanted to try things again.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Even though he was the one to dump me and said I ought to reach out when I was ready? He sort of implicated he wanted time too but I worry he thinks I'm trying to get over him or that he wants to forget me.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 I'm flipping out a little bit. I just saw that my ex posted on FB about how he's never made so many good decisions for himself in such a short amount of time. God knows what that means, but it makes me feel like he doesn't give a rat's ass about what happened at all, and now I'm so sad. I'm trying to be strong and not do anything like block him or anything because I don't want it to look like it bothers me, but I'm dying.
flitzanu Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I'm pretty sure he has no idea what the hell he wants so another part of me isn't even that worried it's serious. I know the best thing for potentially getting him back is to move on but I worry about him... I have this gut feeling he is going to self destruct. I can't even tell if he doesn't care or what... he told me he would be there whenever I wanted to talk to him again. what's serious is that he walked away and wants to see other people. it doesnt matter if he self destructs, it isn't your place to make sure he doesn't.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Yeah, I guess that is another reason why I stepped away. But I feel like all I did is make myself even more miserable and he doesn't even care and is just fine and dandy.
flitzanu Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Yeah, I guess that is another reason why I stepped away. But I feel like all I did is make myself even more miserable and he doesn't even care and is just fine and dandy. he made that choice without you, and without what you said. that's why he "doesn't care".
hoping2heal Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 There's nothing to "mess up", no "grave to dig", and nothing to blow. He didn't want to be with you. He gets worked up when he's sexually aroused but once that blows over (uhm, no pun intended?) he won't commit because he doesn't want to. I'm sure he cares about you as a person and he's obviously sexually attracted but that's where the line ends. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. You're deluding yourself to think that having you absent for a month would have changed that around. It wouldn't have and it doesn't or at least not for people who are serious. If this guy was that into you, he wouldn't need 30 damn days of silence to figure it out. Last but not least; I'm sorry. Break ups suck ass and hurt so much. I'm sorry you're going through one.
Author LinkWorshiper Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 There's nothing to "mess up", no "grave to dig", and nothing to blow. He didn't want to be with you. He gets worked up when he's sexually aroused but once that blows over (uhm, no pun intended?) he won't commit because he doesn't want to. I'm sure he cares about you as a person and he's obviously sexually attracted but that's where the line ends. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. You're deluding yourself to think that having you absent for a month would have changed that around. It wouldn't have and it doesn't or at least not for people who are serious. If this guy was that into you, he wouldn't need 30 damn days of silence to figure it out. Last but not least; I'm sorry. Break ups suck ass and hurt so much. I'm sorry you're going through one. I guess I had been under the impression when he'd been coming on to me that he DID want to commit, because he was asking me all these questions about what he had to do to prove himself to me and that he would do whatever it took to show me he was good. Then he backpeddled. The last time we had tension in our relationship, he did the same **** until I put my foot down, and then he turned it around. I know it sounds stupid, but my guy is really an idiot when it comes to processing stuff, and he ignores problems until they blow up in his face. I just have a hard time believing that he really even knows these things. The dude can barely even figure out what he needs in his everyday life to be happy, so to me, it's no wonder he's derping around without a clue as to what to do with his romantic life.
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