He thinks he deserves better?

[Janesays]

He has already said he isn't going anywhere,

 

That's why I said ONE foot out the door instead of BOTH feet.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Whether you think you're clingy or not, and whether you think he's just snapping because he's stressed and tired, or there is a serious issue with your relationship -

 

GIVE SPACE. If you want to have this relationship in the future. And by "give space," I mean, back off and focus on other things besides him and your relationship in a serious way. Even if you leave him to "drink his beer in silence," if he has the sense of you just sitting there waiting for him to have time and energy for your relationship, it's still pressure from his perspective.

 

I'm not taking his side. I just know that relationships are work and there is responsibility involved. In fact, they might be a bit more taxing than marriages are when things get tough in other areas of life. Married people learn how to give and take. They learn how to deal with times of stress. Relationships are still about "courtship" and supposed to be headed someplace … or not. And it is really a valid choice to decide not to carry on with one if the requirements add to an avalanche of responsibilities.

 

So, if I were in your shoes and I wanted this relationship, I would take ALL of my own relationship needs out of the equation for a while. I also would not be catering to his. When you have a date or whatever, look for diversions from stress and pressures.

 

Of course, this can't go on for very long; both of you have the needs you are looking to have fulfilled by having a relationship. But this one needs some breathing room.

 

I get the impression from your posts that you will not understand what I'm saying here, though ...

[Emilia]

Don't be sorry thats your opinion and since you don't have anything productive or really even nice to say, you might keep them to yourself now. You don't know me, at all. I was simply looking for outside perspectives, on a relationship that has otherwise been fine, other than this recent dilemma.

You did push us to give you an 'answer', I'm sorry that you didn't like mine but you repeatedly asked for it.

 

I gather that your boyfriend probably struggles to discuss this issue with you too - hence his blowing up. Mme Chaucer's advice is very good, I think I'd like to be even more specific: I think you need to get busier and to spend your free time more productively. Perhaps learn something new? Develop your career further?

 

He sounds like the kind of guy who strives to better himself, I'm pretty sure he would be very impressed if you tried to do the same thing. You never know, perhaps you will enjoy it too and will have something else to occupy your spare time. I think it would also allow you to contribute more to the relationship than just your presence.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like he's ready to exit this relationship, I just don't think he could actually bring himself to say this and be honest with you or himself, he still co-dependent on this relationship and the result is he feels obligated to spend time with you and "work" on this relationship.

 

Most guys butter up the truth to some degree and he realized this would hurt your feelings and tried to pull back that comment to sound less forward/truthful. When a guy get his "chance" to exit a relationship after a lengthy relationship, most men pass on that just to not look like a jerk and because the pressure and guilt is great in that moment..but he's definitely acting like the grass is greener type mentality, If he had the balls I'm sure he would have just moved on but instead he's going to try and force himself to be motivated in this relationship, but you're either not very compatible or he just doesn't want to let you go just yet or until something better/sure comes along. I don't think he's in love with you, he might care about you but it's mainly your emotions invested in this relationship that seem to be the driving force.

 

But he clearly seems ready to move on to me and not ready for the load he has right now in his life, his motivation just doesn't seem there and I'm sure there is a distraction at work if you get a sense he's into this other girl...I think while men can be busy and stressed from work that's just exacerbated when you have to spend your free time with someone who also wants your attention, guys need to veg out and recollect. However with that being said, guys are much more motivated when they're in a relationship they want to be in, rather than just feeling it is another obligation...they'll need their space but then recover from it.

 

In that respect, I don't think there's any amount of space he wants in this relationship. At this point in a relationship it's a transition, things are becoming more stagnant and looking towards the future...he might not be ready for that, he might wish things would just go backwards or not change, he might even want to just focus on his career and have fun right now.

 

At the end of the day it sounds like you're waaaay emotionally invested in this relationship and just really unaware of how this guy feels and what he thinks, I think you're busy trying to convince yourself this is going to work out for the long term and don't want to give up this relationship so you'll do anything to hold onto it. I think this is obvious for him so he's really got to be careful what he says and does not to hurt you emotionally, to the extent where he can't tell you the truth or the real problem...maybe he wants out but can't really figure out a good reason to and in a way feels trapped, which is why he's so easily frustrated and upset by you...I think his life is going to become harder as he goes down the road of investment with you and that obligatory check-list of being in a long term relationship...a lot of men stay in these kinds of relationships just over time and eventually kind of subdue themselves to the monotony of it all by pacifying themselves or by seeking a distraction or pleasure outside of the relationship.

 

Judging by his words, I think he's feeling a lot of pressure and I think he's starting to freak out because he doesn't really know if he wants this, I think he doesn't but wants to want it so he's "trying" to make it work...but that's my opinion based on what you said and his behavior.

 

One thing is for certain, I don't think this has anything to do with the fact that he is saying "I think you deserve better"...to me that means you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am not sure if work is really the problem. It can be but lots of people use that as an excuse and easy way out.

 

I can relate to your bf because when I am overworked and tired the LAST thing I need is partner's clinginess and exhausting emotional talks. I just want space and for them to let me be. The more they push, them more I want to run away. I tend to stay away from relationships because it always seems that when a man is "all in" he gets super clingy and it turns me off.

 

Your best bet is to back off, give him space and don't contact him. Time will tell if this is just a space thing or a prelude to The End.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sounds like he's ready to exit this relationship, I just don't think he could actually bring himself to say this and be honest with you or himself, he still co-dependent on this relationship and the result is he feels obligated to spend time with you and "work" on this relationship.

 

Most guys butter up the truth to some degree and he realized this would hurt your feelings and tried to pull back that comment to sound less forward/truthful. When a guy get his "chance" to exit a relationship after a lengthy relationship, most men pass on that just to not look like a jerk and because the pressure and guilt is great in that moment..but he's definitely acting like the grass is greener type mentality, If he had the balls I'm sure he would have just moved on but instead he's going to try and force himself to be motivated in this relationship, but you're either not very compatible or he just doesn't want to let you go just yet or until something better/sure comes along. I don't think he's in love with you, he might care about you but it's mainly your emotions invested in this relationship that seem to be the driving force.

 

But he clearly seems ready to move on to me and not ready for the load he has right now in his life, his motivation just doesn't seem there and I'm sure there is a distraction at work if you get a sense he's into this other girl...I think while men can be busy and stressed from work that's just exacerbated when you have to spend your free time with someone who also wants your attention, guys need to veg out and recollect. However with that being said, guys are much more motivated when they're in a relationship they want to be in, rather than just feeling it is another obligation...they'll need their space but then recover from it.

 

In that respect, I don't think there's any amount of space he wants in this relationship. At this point in a relationship it's a transition, things are becoming more stagnant and looking towards the future...he might not be ready for that, he might wish things would just go backwards or not change, he might even want to just focus on his career and have fun right now.

 

At the end of the day it sounds like you're waaaay emotionally invested in this relationship and just really unaware of how this guy feels and what he thinks, I think you're busy trying to convince yourself this is going to work out for the long term and don't want to give up this relationship so you'll do anything to hold onto it. I think this is obvious for him so he's really got to be careful what he says and does not to hurt you emotionally, to the extent where he can't tell you the truth or the real problem...maybe he wants out but can't really figure out a good reason to and in a way feels trapped, which is why he's so easily frustrated and upset by you...I think his life is going to become harder as he goes down the road of investment with you and that obligatory check-list of being in a long term relationship...a lot of men stay in these kinds of relationships just over time and eventually kind of subdue themselves to the monotony of it all by pacifying themselves or by seeking a distraction or pleasure outside of the relationship.

 

Judging by his words, I think he's feeling a lot of pressure and I think he's starting to freak out because he doesn't really know if he wants this, I think he doesn't but wants to want it so he's "trying" to make it work...but that's my opinion based on what you said and his behavior.

 

One thing is for certain, I don't think this has anything to do with the fact that he is saying "I think you deserve better"...to me that means you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him.

 

This is well-said. I think a lot of people have had similar painful experiences; I know I have, even when he said he wasn't going anywhere. It became very clear some months later that he'd told me that more to re-assure me and avoid hurting me than to speak from his heart. Of course not every relationship is the same, but I cringe when I hear such stories. I know how long it took me (and HIM) to accept that he'd checked out. Give the man some space and time to re-evaulate the relationship, and you should do the same, OP.