emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 We've been dating about 3 years, and we're in our 20's. Up until recently everything has been great, we had a bump in the road last week. We have been spending almost all of our free time together, and he works about 60 hours a week, so he was feeling as though he did not have a life outside of work and seeing me. We talked about it, and a few days later both decided we wanted to be together through thick and thin. In the fight he was so stressed out and tired, he basically said he didnt see me in my future, and later on that day told me he didn't mean it so harshly. Had he chosen his words more carefully he would have said that he "didnt see a future with us if we kept going down the same clingy path" And I agreed and forgave him. He isnt asked for a bunch of space, just sometimes needs an evening to drink his beer in silence. This is his last week working alot of overtime. he is feeling burned out and exhausted. He seemed unhappy with me today ( I read too much into it) so I brought it up and he snapped at me saying he was just exhausted and needed a day or two off from work to recharge his batteries. I texted him that I didn't think it was fair of him to take his stress out on me. He kind of yelled when I made it about me. However I am separate from his work and do my very best not to interrupt his busy schedule , and have even given him some space to veg out in his man cave after a long day. He told me today after he snapped on me " I think you deserve better than me". I know he felt bad and that he shouldn't have been so frustrated. I told him he didn't have to feel that way, and I love him very very much. Why would he say this?! He either truly feels as though he hasn't been treated me as well as he thinks i should be treated and feels guilty. OR He really hasn't had time to meet anyone else ( and he does spend a big majority of his time with me) so i'm not too concerned with him having met someone new.... AND he had his chance to end things with me last week and he chose to be with me because he loves me, and continues to tell me this, and that he'll never let me go and he knows he messed up. Why else would he think that he doesn't deserve me? How can I reassure him that I love him for better and for worse, through anything?! It hurts me when he feels like he doesnt think he's giving me what I need. Help! I am going to see him tonight and I want him to feel better.
ChatroomHero Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Why would he say this?! He either truly feels as though he hasn't been treated me as well as he thinks i should be treated and feels guilty. me? How can I reassure him that I love him for better and for worse, through anything?! It hurts me when he feels like he doesnt think he's giving me what I need. I know how he feels, you go to work, get stressed and pissed off and end up taking out on someone who doesn't deserve it. I think most people have been there, you have a really bad day and just because you get home doesn't mean you automatically turn it off and forget about it. When you snap at someone like that you usually feel bad about it later. When I get really stressed I tend to feel bad when I avoid people just so I don't snap and you do get to feeling bad not being able to control it. I would guess he feels bad for not being able to turn it off and be happy around you. If you want to stay with him I think when he is in a bad mood you just need to tell him to let you know when he is and leave him alone a bit. When I get stressed the last thing I want is "one more thing" to deal with. When you make it about you he's probably thinking "that's the last thing I need right now". Not defending him but I understand. I think he feels bad for taking it out on you but you have to decide if you can put up with random silence when he gets stressed. 1
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I agree that stress can do this to a person. I hate not being able to take some of the weight off his shoulders. And I certainly don't want him to think he isn't treating me properly. He does however ( in my opinion) need to learn how to control it so that he isnt taking it out on me, the loving girlfriend who goes out of the way to do nice things for him while he is so busy with work. I guess i immediately got worried that he was feeling some kind of guilt for something. I guess he could be genuine. My friends ex once told her that repeatedly and it turns out he was trying to get her to break up with him because he was too cowardly to do it himself AND he had been cheating on her. I try to give my guy more credit than that. But I'm not naive and I know it could really happen to anyone.
Tinie Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I think he's tired. I know how he's feeling right now because there's a guy in my life atm and I am absolutely taking my crabbiness out on him because I'm tired, I've been working late, and my cat cries in my room in the morning because he's missing my sister and she's away on vacay. You should give him space. Stop nagging him. It's only going to make him snap at you more. Stop being so clingy and smothering. Be the understanding woman and give him the room he's asking for. It's only a temporary thing. 1
KatZee Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Honestly, I think he's getting fed up with what's going on between you guys and he's pulling the classic "it's not you it's me" card. Sounds like he's seriously burnt out and he can't handle his work load and whatever relationship problems are going on with you guys. Since it's not working with you two he feels like a failure. Guys can usually only focus on one crisis at a time. Working 60 hours a week is enough to stress anyone out, add more drama on top of that and forget it. I'd say keep back for now. Give him TONS and TONS of space right now. He probably needs time to get his head straight and time to think clear. 2
Eggplant Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I'm a little worried. He said he didn't see you in his future. That's really hard to say. Breaking up is really hard. You might have gotten a peak at his underlying feelings, even if he doesn't want to see them. The "you don't deserve me" is a "it's not you; it's me" kind of line. He wants to put the blame on himself to make you feel better about his leaving... I could be way off base. 1
Eggplant Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Honestly, I think he's getting fed up with what's going on between you guys and he's pulling the classic "it's not you it's me" card. Lol -- you said it first. I had the same reaction.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It sounds like he needs to get a new job with less hours. 1
tbf Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Had he chosen his words more carefully he would have said that he "didnt see a future with us if we kept going down the same clingy path" And I agreed and forgave him.This was your warning about clingyness. He seemed unhappy with me today ( I read too much into it) so I brought it up and he snapped at me saying he was just exhausted and needed a day or two off from work to recharge his batteries.Almost immediately, you get insecure and cling. I texted him that I didn't think it was fair of him to take his stress out on me. He kind of yelled when I made it about me. Then you get righteous and push it some more. This is from my reading of your post. When someone's stressed, the last thing they need is a partner to stress them out more by getting insecure, clinging and pushing it. It's not surprising he's inching towards break up. Back the hell off and give him some peace. Once things get a little more settled and he's less tired, that's a good time to rebalance where it will sometimes be about you and other times, about him. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I'm a little worried. He said he didn't see you in his future. That's really hard to say. Breaking up is really hard. You might have gotten a peak at his underlying feelings, even if he doesn't want to see them. The "you don't deserve me" is a "it's not you; it's me" kind of line. He wants to put the blame on himself to make you feel better about his leaving... I could be way off base. I tend to agree with this. Yes, stress can make people irritable and depressed but it does not necessarily explain away a bold statement like that. How have things been going in the relationship for the last little while? Have there been other problems that haven't been resolved?
KatZee Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I'm a little worried. He said he didn't see you in his future. That's really hard to say. Breaking up is really hard. You might have gotten a peak at his underlying feelings, even if he doesn't want to see them. The "you don't deserve me" is a "it's not you; it's me" kind of line. He wants to put the blame on himself to make you feel better about his leaving... I could be way off base. I'm agreeing with this because OPs situation was my last relationship almost identical. Towards the end he was always stressed with work, always taking stuff out on me, just generally not being nice. Saying things like "I don't see a future with you anymore, but I love you and don't want to break up" and saying how he needed space and time to get his head together. My ex also pulled "i'm selfish for staying with you, you deserve someone who gives you the attention you need, I don't have time" Blah blah blah he dumped me very soon thereafter. 1
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Things otherwise are great and always have been. We make all sorts of plans like getting away next winter together and he is usually vert sweet. I really think as soon as he said " I dont see you in my future", he panicked. I left almost immediately because I was going to be late for work. And he was worried all day long that he said something he couldn't take back. He reworded it for me later on in a less hurtful way. I should mention that im much less busy than him.. So sometimes especially when he's busy and i've had all my "me" time, and seen my friends... I just want to curl up in bed with my man. It's hard for me to sometimes put myself in his shoes. I still think that in a good relationship he should be able to avoid yelling at me when he's just fed up with work. It makes it extremely hard not to be insecure about his happiness. He says he is where he wants to be, and wouldnt be with me if he didn't. I know he loves me very much. Also with all of this, I'm trying to silence the insecurity that maybe he is interested or has been in one of the girls he works with... I really don't think he is the type who could ever sleep at night if he did mess around. But im not so naive that I don't think it could happen. It can happen to anyone. I was very blunt in asking him about this last week and he was really sad that I could even think of that. Not defensive or guilty, just sad that I thought he might do that to me.
Emilia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Also with all of this, I'm trying to silence the insecurity that maybe he is interested or has been in one of the girls he works with... I really don't think he is the type who could ever sleep at night if he did mess around. But im not so naive that I don't think it could happen. It can happen to anyone. I was very blunt in asking him about this last week and he was really sad that I could even think of that. Not defensive or guilty, just sad that I thought he might do that to me. I think that you probably display more insecurity in general than you are aware of 2
Mint Sauce Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I fully 2nd tbf: he needed some space, he told you he was irritated by your clinginess, and you responded with extra clinginess... He knows you mean well, but it's all too much for him. He needs space to breath. Unfortunately, you are the victim of his work load. I'd say give him some time to recover, i.e. give him space, and when he's had a breather, you can tell him this is not how you see your future together. 2
Janesays Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I hope I'm wrong, but he sounds like he's got one foot out the door.
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I hope I'm wrong, but he sounds like he's got one foot out the door. He has already said he isn't going anywhere, if he wanted to leave he would've done so already. He knows he won't always be this busy. After our little argument last week I told him if he needed to be alone he should do it for himself - and he hated that idea. Nobody ever really answered my question... He said he felt I deserved better , I think he feels badly about not being able to give me the time a relationship needs when he is busy? And when he does become grouchy with work he can be fairly short with me.. he always feels bad after which probably stresses him out more. I really wish I could get through to him that I'm here for him no matter how busy or stressed out he gets and will always love him the same. And yes we were being very clingy - but he never voiced his need for space. I would have had zero problems with giving him some if I knew he was needing it. He did not communicate with me, and I do not read minds.
Emilia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Nobody ever really answered my question... He said he felt I deserved better , I think he feels badly about not being able to give me the time a relationship needs when he is busy? And when he does become grouchy with work he can be fairly short with me.. he always feels bad after which probably stresses him out more. I really wish I could get through to him that I'm here for him no matter how busy or stressed out he gets and will always love him the same. And yes we were being very clingy - but he never voiced his need for space. I would have had zero problems with giving him some if I knew he was needing it. He did not communicate with me, and I do not read minds. Ok well it's hard to answer the question since we don't know either of you but my honest opinion is that you are clingy and needy and probably you have been annoying him for a while and he feels guilty about that. I'm sure he loves you but thinks that you need an equally emotional guy. This could be a big jump though considering you've only posted on this site a dozen times.
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I do sound like a clingy person based on this post. But I'm really not. It seems that way when I want to spend time with him so badly and he's insanely busy. It can become frustrating and I do feel lonely from time to time. Even though I see my friends, and take time doing things I like. I actually look forward to after the summer because things become much more relaxed. If I left him he would be crushed as well, and has already clearly stated that's not what he wants. He is a pretty stubborn guy, if he seriously wanted to end things he would have done so a long time ago. Last week I think he was overwhelmed and exhausted and I certainly did not help the situation, you're right.
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Oh my goodness, I must have been exhausted when I titled this thread. Its supposed to be " He thinks that I deserve better"... not him!! He doesn't feel like he deserves ME! Oops.
MidwestUSA Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Oh my goodness, I must have been exhausted when I titled this thread. Its supposed to be " He thinks that I deserve better"... not him!! He doesn't feel like he deserves ME! Oops. Well, that's a classic line, along with "it's not you, it's me", etc. If he is truly remorseful for that slip about not seeing a future with you, then you may have a chance to work things out. But, I agree with others as far as giving him space. Did you say his workload is about to slow down? I have a feeling you'll find out then how intent he is on making this work. Good luck!
pcplod Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) He still has a way to go to grow up and it is a long. slow progress for most of us. You might want to bear that in mind as far as you are concerned as well. IT seems he just hasn't got the reserves of energy, physical fitness and psychological fitness to see him through the periods of extended pressure that he is experiencing. All of us tend to behave inappropriately when we get close to the boundaries of out tolerance, to extremes, whether they be physical or mental. And our instinctive reaction, our first reaction, is nearly always the wrong one. To put it simply, we are struggling, and we usually know it without necessarily figuratively sitting back and looking at it really hard, recognising it for what it substantively is. A short-coming on our part that, if nothing else, does us no good. We become impatient and irritable with ourselves, the circumstances and there is collateral damage to anyone or anything that is in the near vicinity when we actually wobble on our internal axis. I would suggest two basic and pretty obvious ways to address the issue, which I am trying to do myself but admittedly currently struggling to make much progress with. The first is physical fitness. You will be amazed how much more you can psychologically tolerate if you have physical fitness to spare. I've been there before and it does reap real benefits. The other is self-analysis, in whatever form appeals to you, whether it be classical meditation, mindfulness, or whatever. Some forms of exercise/therapy try to combine the two, like yoga. He should investigate a variety of these things, if he can find the time, and experiment with them and keep an open mind about them. The 'man-cave' thing has it's merits in a way, but it doesn't bring a positive force to events, it just allows you to deflect from the adverse for a while. Why not consider doing some things like this together? It is not that far-fetched in theoretical terms. Telling him that it wasn't fair the way he treated you is all-and-well and entirely valid, but if you are more interested in practical outcomes, rather than taking a stand on principle, then it is worth considering handling the issue in a less confrontational manner. It's the old classic one-liner, bring solutions to the table, not problems (or complaints, for that matter). You don't have to assert yourself by talking about it, you assert yourself by taking control of the situation in a constructive manner. The bottom line is what did that argument do for either of you that was positive? The only problem for you, in a practical sense, is for any of this to work, you both need to be on the same wavelength, reading from the same page, or else you won't be able to be collaborative and instead will continue to push and pull against one another. Edited June 27, 2013 by pcplod
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 He does get out golfing, quite often (part of his job). And he has tried to keep up with a workout regime, but he usually ends up too busy with work, or chooses to sleep instead. I myself love Yoga, I practice Bikram and even if I have a lousy day i feel more relaxed during and afterwards. If he had the time he would join me, he does like it. The argument while it was hurtful was positive in the sense that he was able to tell me exactly how he'd been feeling. I was happy seeing him in the evenings for bed , and I didn't know or even get the feeling like he just needed a night or two to come home and be alone. I'm glad he told me because like I said, I don't have an issue if it's what he needs to unwind and clear his mind of work and long days. I feel like I can do a better job of being what he needs when he's busy. Saying what he said was rotten as someone else mentioned. But putting myself in his shoes I can understand or see how he might have just blurted out a bunch of stuff without thinking about what he was really saying. I really want to get past whatever wierd phase this is, after 3 years I really feel like it's so worth working out, especially since we both still love eachother very much.
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I should mention that I can't help but proceed with caution as much as I want to trust him when he says he won't hurt me like that again, and in order to overcome this I need to be able to trust him fully that he is happy , just tired.
Emilia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I should mention that I can't help but proceed with caution as much as I want to trust him when he says he won't hurt me like that again, and in order to overcome this I need to be able to trust him fully that he is happy , just tired. Well with the number of posts here in a short space of time and considering you have been together for 3 years but you are making this big a deal out of an argument, I'd say you are pretty needy. Sorry. 2
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Well with the number of posts here in a short space of time and considering you have been together for 3 years but you are making this big a deal out of an argument, I'd say you are pretty needy. Sorry. Don't be sorry thats your opinion and since you don't have anything productive or really even nice to say, you might keep them to yourself now. You don't know me, at all. I was simply looking for outside perspectives, on a relationship that has otherwise been fine, other than this recent dilemma. Thankyou to everyone else who has had good and encouraging comments. You've helped me to see this in a more positive way.
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