Doing it where they did it

June 28, 2013

She didn't want to make out in the car because she was hot for me, or because she liked making out in cars. She wanted to make out in the car because OW had been there. When OW and I were together in the car, it was about me and OW. When W and I were together in the car, it was still about me and OW.

This is one of the most profound things I have ever read. It's something every reconciled BS or couple with a history of infidelity should read.

OP, you can spend your life reclaiming every riverbank, car, or motel room your husband went to cheat on you, but you'll never take the event away. It'll never change that he was there. with her, by choice. You can't own it, you can't cover it up. He's the issue; not where he was, but that he was.

The only possible 'victory' (other than he's with you, not her) is attaining the level of maturity needed for these things to have no effect on you. It may sound simplistic, but understanding none of us are the center of humanity helps, as does realizing that it's futile to try controlling what's forever beyond our control. I suspect control is your issue. Time to deal.

That usually means keeping an eye on the big picture. If you really want to solve the issue, dump his cheating a$$ and get a man who won't sleep around on you. That'll leave you carefree passage past rivers, buildings, trampolines, or any other conceivable location people could have sex.

June 28, 2013

This is one of the most profound things I have ever read. It's something every reconciled BS or couple with a history of infidelity should read.

OP, you can spend your life reclaiming every riverbank, car, or motel room your husband went to cheat on you, but you'll never take the event away. It'll never change that he was there. with her, by choice. You can't own it, you can't cover it up. He's the issue; not where he was, but that he was.

The only possible 'victory' (other than he's with you, not her) is attaining the level of maturity needed for these things to have no effect on you. It may sound simplistic, but understanding none of us are the center of humanity helps, as does realizing that it's futile to try controlling what's forever beyond our control. I suspect control is your issue. Time to deal.

That usually means keeping an eye on the big picture. If you really want to solve the issue, dump his cheating a$$ and get a man who won't sleep around on you. That'll leave you carefree passage past rivers, buildings, trampolines, or any other conceivable location people could have sex.

This advice does nothing for those attempting reconciliation, but I guess its good for those who just wish to "dump his cheating ass." Since OP is reconciling with her hubby, I don;t think the above is going to be particularly helpful.

June 28, 2013

I agree with most of what Steadfast said, but I agree with the point HopingAgain made; the advice at the tail end of Steadfast's post only helps if the OP isn't interested in reconciliation.

Otherwise, it was sound.

June 28, 2013

I asked and he said he would be glad to.

I think this sums it up well. "Glad to" pretty much implies that he is enthusiastic at the idea and that it will probably be helpful to both of you. It's good that he desires to make you happy, so go with it.

June 28, 2013

If you really want to stay with the cheater, make it the best, mind-blowing sex possible. Make him beg for it by teasing and seducing him all day long to build anticipation!

June 28, 2013

I guess I actually don't see it as taking power back. There's no power there unless you put it there. My W saw it a little like desecrating what she thought was a church of me and my OW. But she is the one who made it a church. She connected the car with OW like my OW was a poltergeist or a saint that controlled the place. But honestly I never thought of it that way, and neither did my OW. We did what we did there, because we were there. That's all. If I could have treated her to a five-star resort or a bed and breakfast, it would have happened there. If I told my OW that my W made love with me int he car, she wouldn't have cared, except to wonder why my W would suddenly want to make out in a car. My W is the one who saw an "aura" around the place. Letting her make love with me in that car did not erase anything about my feelings for my OW. It was important to her, and it made her happy. But the power was in her own mind, not mine or my OW's.

If it makes you happy, do it. Do whatever you have to do if it makes you feel better. But it's possible your H does not think about the river (or office) like you do. Maybe he just drives past it without thinking. You might only draw his attention to it where it wouldn't have been before. My wife unintentionally concecrated my car to my OW. You are giving your H's OW a whole river!

(Getting rid of the car is not an option, but it wouldn't be productive for the same reasons. There is not a curse or an aura there. That would be giving a lot of power to a place that was chosen just by circumstance.)

But that's the point...it wasn't/isn't about what's in your mind or your OW's mind. It's about what's in your wife's mind and what was upsetting to her. How you or your OW thought or didn't think of it was irrelevant to HER being at peace with it. Within the affair it was about what you and the OW wanted...in reconciliation what the OW thinks doesn't matter and as the WS, I imagine, while your own feelings matter, you're the one who is doing the making up, so your feelings about your sex spots take second place to how the BS feels.

That's the drama and hurt of an affair isn't it? The fact that as the BS you have no control. Your WS and the OW get to choose certain things and you don't. I don't think the issue is about her being worried about what the OW and her husband think about the river...it's about what SHE thinks of it. Clearly as the affair is going on, the OW isn't thinking about what the BS feels, neither is the spouse, so of course to them the river may be meaningless, as are so many other "little" things a WS does during an affair that they don't really think about, because they're the ones doing it, but to the BS that little thing is a big thing....and that's the point.

Frankly, if my spouse cheated on me, and I had a problem, say with his car and he tried to say "Well I don't think of it like that...so why do you?" I'd be FURIOUS . You can't help what is upsetting to you and runs through your mind in a situation like that and I think the WS should be accommodating of that and focus on what helps their spouse, even if it is meaningless to them, versus bringing up how they and the OW don't care about that spot/item, as that would be far more upsetting and still makes it seem like you and your OW are the one's whose thoughts and feelings matter. I guess I have no clue why you keep saying how you and the exOW feel when it's not about how you or your exOW feel but how your wife feels and what SHE needs to do to get over it.

Edited June 28, 2013 by MissBee

June 28, 2013

But that's the point...it wasn't/isn't about what's in your mind or your OW's mind. It's about what's in your wife's mind and what was upsetting to her. How you or your OW thought or didn't think of it was irrelevant to HER being at peace with it. Within the affair it was about what you and the OW wanted...in reconciliation what the OW thinks doesn't matter and as the WS, I imagine, while your own feelings matter, you're the one who is doing the making up, so your feelings about your sex spots take second place to how the BS feels.

That's the drama and hurt of an affair isn't it? The fact that as the BS you have no control. Your WS and the OW get to choose certain things and you don't. I don't think the issue is about her being worried about what the OW and her husband think about the river...it's about what SHE thinks of it.

Frankly, if my spouse cheated on me, and I had a problem, say with his car and he tried to say "Well I don't think of it like that...so why do you?" I'd be FURIOUS . You can't help what is upsetting to you and runs through your mind in a situation like that and I think the WS should be accommodating of that and focus on what helps their spouse, even if it is meaningless to them, versus bringing up how they and the OW don't care about that spot/item, as that would be far more upsetting and still makes it seem like you and your OW are the one's whose thoughts and feelings matter. I guess I have no clue why you keep saying how you and the exOW feel when it's not about how you or your exOW feel but how your wife feels and what SHE needs to do to get over it.

This. To the tee. If you want to reconcile, it's about repairing the damage and righting the wrong done. To Busdriver's wife, this was a way to repair that damage that was done to her MIND. And she felt relieved afterwards because she did conquer it. It wasn't and isn't always about the WH or the OW.

June 28, 2013

This advice does nothing for those attempting reconciliation, but I guess its good for those who just wish to "dump his cheating ass." Since OP is reconciling with her hubby, I don;t think the above is going to be particularly helpful.

All things being equal, I favor not reconciling with a cheater. I admit that. Like words, some actions can never be taken back, reclaimed, or covered.

To those who insist, a certain awareness must take place. A BS staying in a marriage ripped apart by infidelity better develop some thick skin. If you're the touchyfeelie type, it'll be a long, hard road. Misery is misery; what's the difference? All said, I'd rather be with someone who keeps their promises.

June 28, 2013

But that's the point...it wasn't/isn't about what's in your mind or your OW's mind. It's about what's in your wife's mind and what was upsetting to her. How you or your OW thought or didn't think of it was irrelevant to HER being at peace with it. Within the affair it was about what you and the OW wanted...in reconciliation what the OW thinks doesn't matter and as the WS, I imagine, while your own feelings matter, you're the one who is doing the making up, so your feelings about your sex spots take second place to how the BS feels.

That's the drama and hurt of an affair isn't it? The fact that as the BS you have no control. Your WS and the OW get to choose certain things and you don't. I don't think the issue is about her being worried about what the OW and her husband think about the river...it's about what SHE thinks of it. Clearly as the affair is going on, the OW isn't thinking about what the BS feels, neither is the spouse, so of course to them the river may be meaningless, as are so many other "little" things a WS does during an affair that they don't really think about, because they're the ones doing it, but to the BS that little thing is a big thing....and that's the point.

Frankly, if my spouse cheated on me, and I had a problem, say with his car and he tried to say "Well I don't think of it like that...so why do you?" I'd be FURIOUS . You can't help what is upsetting to you and runs through your mind in a situation like that and I think the WS should be accommodating of that and focus on what helps their spouse, even if it is meaningless to them, versus bringing up how they and the OW don't care about that spot/item, as that would be far more upsetting and still makes it seem like you and your OW are the one's whose thoughts and feelings matter. I guess I have no clue why you keep saying how you and the exOW feel when it's not about how you or your exOW feel but how your wife feels and what SHE needs to do to get over it.

Miss Bee brings up some very good points, as does everyone else.

In my situation, for instance, my husband had most of his "encounters" with his xOW in his office. This building cannot be sold and won't be for awhile. I am aware of this and know that logically it just can't happen - yet. It will, eventually. So, for the time being, I hate it, but I just don't go there very often, even though I have to drive by it every day. For the most part, I just push it out of my mind. Likewise, there are certain things I cannot remove myself from - yet. But we are getting to that point in our lives where some things may change eventually - maybe where we live, selling the office building, etc.

I find it so interesting when some "programs" will say - "sell it all", "quit your job", etc. While I believe it is important to put your marriage recovery first, if that is what you choose, there are some things that are just impractical to give up - like making a living. In this economy it isn't always easy to just find another job.

So, you have to make memories where you are and with what you have. Affairs are very messy and it really f**ks up so many things. It takes strength and perseverance to try to reconcile and even during that time, it may not work - I think both of us know that. We have both steamrolled our marriage, but the thing is we have to go to the end of the road (we both know it) in order to know if we are able to salvage it.

So, all of that to say, we both have to give a little and control our own mind movies and redirect our thoughts in order to make it work for now.

June 28, 2013

But that's the point...it wasn't/isn't about what's in your mind or your OW's mind. It's about what's in your wife's mind and what was upsetting to her. How you or your OW thought or didn't think of it was irrelevant to HER being at peace with it.

This. To the tee. If you want to reconcile, it's about repairing the damage and righting the wrong done. To Busdriver's wife, this was a way to repair that damage that was done to her MIND. And she felt relieved afterwards because she did conquer it. It wasn't and isn't always about the WH or the OW.

Busdriver can correct me if I'm wrong but I think his point is that we, the BS, do care almost as much what is in our WS's mind as our own. We, I, do not want my WS to feel like busdriver did. Not to spare the WS. If it were just something difficult for the WS but good for me then, ok, WS owes me that much. But if it has the effect of bringing more energy to the memory of the affair, then no. Even it is helpful to me, I'd not want that effect on my WS.

Busdriver wisely and kindly did this for his BS without telling her about the down side of it. He told us so we would be aware there is one, potentially.

June 28, 2013

I don't know, I don't know.

What busdriver said would concern me if I were still in the early stages of reconciliation. Yes, a BS needs to do whatever it is they feel they need to do in order to heal. If getting it on in the location (river) or a vehicle, hotel room, office, etc then do that. I totally agree with the points that Miss Bee and some other have said, especially because I have been a BS.

But again, the issues busdriver brought up would be really concerning to me. I'm glad he posted his experience with this type of "reclaiming."

I know I would have hated it if while I did something to make ME feel better about moving forward from my husbands affair, this inadvertently caused HIM to think about the A and the OW again.

That would trouble me to no end.

I think good communication is the key here. OP, talk to your husband about how he feels about "visiting the river." Please make sure that you are both okay with this.

busdriver, it's a little late now but maybe you should talk to your wife about the vehicle. She has no clue that it caused you to make new associations about your OW and would be horrified to find this out.

June 28, 2013

Busdriver can correct me if I'm wrong but I think his point is that we, the BS, do care almost as much what is in our WS's mind as our own. We, I, do not want my WS to feel like busdriver did. Not to spare the WS. If it were just something difficult for the WS but good for me then, ok, WS owes me that much. But if it has the effect of bringing more energy to the memory of the affair, then no. Even it is helpful to me, I'd not want that effect on my WS.

Busdriver wisely and kindly did this for his BS without telling her about the down side of it. He told us so we would be aware there is one, potentially.

confused, you said it better than I did. Great post.

June 28, 2013

Snowflower what you say makes a WHOLE lot of sense. This is something I never understood in terms of revisiting places that your spouse has been with the AP. There are things that his BS did that made both of us (my husband and myself) shake our heads because it made no sense. In fact some of it seemed to be done to punish XOM and my husband very much agreed that is was punishment for him. My husband doesn't really want to go anywhere my XOM and I were together - even the hotel chain - and I totally agree. I don't want to either. So to me it makes no sense the BS would want to.

Men can compartmentalize more for sure, but I think they have some of the same mind movies for sure and putting them in a spot where they have been with the AP just doesn't seem wise. And for busdriver to admit that it, in fact, brought those memories back stronger and now it IS attached to the AP is very concerning. The fact that he was willing to give that to his BS is great, but the fact that she might not understand it might have caused more issues for him - I'm sure that is not what she intended either.

I think his insights are very good and we should all really consider what we are doing whether BS, OW, OM, etc. - communication is important and honesty.

June 28, 2013

Busdriver can correct me if I'm wrong but I think his point is that we, the BS, do care almost as much what is in our WS's mind as our own. We, I, do not want my WS to feel like busdriver did. Not to spare the WS. If it were just something difficult for the WS but good for me then, ok, WS owes me that much. But if it has the effect of bringing more energy to the memory of the affair, then no. Even it is helpful to me, I'd not want that effect on my WS.

Busdriver wisely and kindly did this for his BS without telling her about the down side of it. He told us so we would be aware there is one, potentially.

I agree that no BS would willingly desire for her WH to relive memories of the OW or the affair he would rather forget. But what is the alternative when both BS and WS feelings are on the line here?

Another scenario to consider: What if said place or object that is now linked to the affair, was formerly a happy place for the marriage? Like a favorite restaurant or vacation spor that the married couple once enjoyed, but now is tainted by affair memories because WS and AP went there? Should a BS relinquish those places or things because it could make WH uncomfortable?

June 28, 2013

I agree that no BS would willingly desire for her WH to relive memories of the OW or the affair he would rather forget. But what is the alternative when both BS and WS feelings are on the line here?

Another scenario to consider: What if said place or object that is now linked to the affair, was formerly a happy place for the marriage? Like a favorite restaurant or vacation spor that the married couple once enjoyed, but now is tainted by affair memories because WS and AP went there? Should a BS relinquish those places or things because it could make WH uncomfortable?

I think it depends upon the couple. For instance, we did vacation with XOM and his wife. There was one type of vacation that my husband and I did many times prior to going on one with them. Those we will continue to do because we have many happy memories and actually even the one we were on with them was fun. However we vacationed together in one spot right about the time the affair was really heating up. This place I know we will NEVER go back to - not on purpose anyway.

So, I think it does depend. There are a few restaurants that even though I love them, we will not go to because we went there while the affair was ongoing, even as couples together. For us it is the best solution.

It is understandable a BS would want to reclaim those places and maybe even the WS puts on a smile and tries their hardest because they want to please the BS and do things to help reconcile the marriage. But if it is causing the WS to dwell on or keep the affair at the forefront of their mind, it is not a wise decision and probably does more harm than good.

Edited June 28, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

June 29, 2013

I agree that no BS would willingly desire for her WH to relive memories of the OW or the affair he would rather forget. But what is the alternative when both BS and WS feelings are on the line here?

It is not just the possibility of reliving memories. That is secondary in my mind. It is the pitying of the BS. I don't think Bus was reliving fondly his time with the OW in his car as his BW kissed him there. I think he was sorry for his BW that she thought the OW was so important to him in his car that she had to do this to clean the memory from that place. But her doing this just made him realize all the more how hurt she was and he pitied her neediness. Her need to cleanse that memory just made her pitiful to him.

Bus - if you are still reading this thread, I'm sorry if I misinterpret your meaning. But I thank you. I don't want to go "there" with my WS if WS would pity me for it. Please Bus, weigh in on this.

Another scenario to consider: What if said place or object that is now linked to the affair, was formerly a happy place for the marriage? Like a favorite restaurant or vacation spor that the married couple once enjoyed, but now is tainted by affair memories because WS and AP went there? Should a BS relinquish those places or things because it could make WH uncomfortable?

So, I think it does depend. There are a few restaurants that even though I love them, we will not go to because we went there while the affair was ongoing, even as couples together. For us it is the best solution.

I can see this too. It does not have to be a place they had sex. It could just be tainted for any number of reasons. I feel that myself about places. And holidays. Did I mention that I think affairs suck?

June 29, 2013

It is not just the possibility of reliving memories. That is secondary in my mind. It is the pitying of the BS. I don't think Bus was reliving fondly his time with the OW in his car as his BW kissed him there. I think he was sorry for his BW that she thought the OW was so important to him in his car that she had to do this to clean the memory from that place. But her doing this just made him realize all the more how hurt she was and he pitied her neediness. Her need to cleanse that memory just made her pitiful to him.

Bus - if you are still reading this thread, I'm sorry if I misinterpret your meaning. But I thank you. I don't want to go "there" with my WS if WS would pity me for it. Please Bus, weigh in on this.

I can see this too. It does not have to be a place they had sex. It could just be tainted for any number of reasons. I feel that myself about places. And holidays. Did I mention that I think affairs suck?

Yup - they really do.

June 29, 2013

It is not just the possibility of reliving memories. That is secondary in my mind. It is the pitying of the BS. I don't think Bus was reliving fondly his time with the OW in his car as his BW kissed him there. I think he was sorry for his BW that she thought the OW was so important to him in his car that she had to do this to clean the memory from that place. But her doing this just made him realize all the more how hurt she was and he pitied her neediness. Her need to cleanse that memory just made her pitiful to him.

Bus - if you are still reading this thread, I'm sorry if I misinterpret your meaning. But I thank you. I don't want to go "there" with my WS if WS would pity me for it. Please Bus, weigh in on this.

You are reading me right, though it is humbling and painful to read it like this. I don't like to say that I pity her, but more that I feel so guilty for putting her in that position. She was reacting to something I did. I know I have no right to judge how she deals with it.

So if it was helpful for her, then I'm glad I let her do that. I don;'t regret it, and I know I deserve my discomfort with it. I am only passing along my experience in case it is helpful for anyone. I can't predict how anyone else, BS or WS, will feel about any of it.

June 29, 2013

All of h's intimate experiences with OW were in school. It hurt me badly to think of them being in the same building even though they were not working together any more. It horrified me that a place could become so tainted. But it's all been knocked down now!!! Brand new school building and she works in a completely different block! It does feel like a weight off my shoulders

June 29, 2013

I think it is extremely valuable information. Great insight.

July 2, 2013

Well, I set the couch on fire. That was very liberating.

.

Superb! I bet that helped you enormously on loads of levels!

I wanted to get rid of the car but was economic nonsense. Had to accept a valet. Threw away clothes though.

Luckily I don't think I have that issue. I'm not sure what I would do. I think it has to be go do it everywhere around there bigger and better to gain ownership. If you don't it will eat away at you. It can't make things worse I think would be my view. A good questiona nd replies - has helped me make a decision about something that is a trigger for me.

July 16, 2013

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I read through it completely a few times and really took everyone's advice to heart.

We decided that we would go have a picnic there instead to see how we both felt. It is a nice spot. We went last night. I picked him up from work last night and we brought dinner and sat by the river. We sat right on the spot that they did it (numerous times).

After we ate, we sat there for about two hours discussing things. I asked a lot of questions. He assured me that being there did not make him think about her. He said that he was with me and that I was who he was thinking about.

This was never our spot, so I cannot say that I want to reclaim it or even claim it. I just don't want it to hurt me anymore. Our first time was outside by a creek. I feel like all those times he did it with her by the river took away from the specialness that I always felt about our first time.

I surprised my husband when I asked him about having a picnic there last night and later he told me he was excited about it. He thought we were just going home.

He has been very clear with me from the get go that he never had feelings for his OW. She was willing and he wanted it. It was a FB deal and he reminded her on several occasions that this was "just sex" and her response was always "Yeah, I know".

When we discussed how good the sex was with her, he assured me that ours was better. I told him that everyone on this message board swears that affair sex is the best sex ever. He said "everyone???" He said that they must not have had the sex life that we had. He said sex was always good with me. With her it was just sex. He said "how good could it be if it was only ten minutes?" They never spent much time together and that I am sure of. He would get off work, pick her up (10-15minutes), driver her to the river (10-15 minutes), **** her (10 to 15 minutes), text me that he was off, drive her home and then head home. Phone records show this pretty clearly.

So, all in all last night was a pretty good night. There was good food by the river. Enlightening conversation. Some tears. No sex at the river, but great sex at home in our bed, where she has never been. We both want to go back, so I would say it was a success.

July 16, 2013

Oh. My. God. It's just a teeny bit stalker-ish to have sex in a certain place just because someone else did, no matter what the context. Eeew.

July 16, 2013

Oh. My. God. It's just a teeny bit stalker-ish to have sex in a certain place just because someone else did, no matter what the context. Eeew.

Really? Not half as bad as discovering all the MAPs who want to do it in the marital bed and home and all the APs who oblige them.

Now THAT'S SICK.

July 16, 2013

I agree that no BS would willingly desire for her WH to relive memories of the OW or the affair he would rather forget. But what is the alternative when both BS and WS feelings are on the line here?

Another scenario to consider: What if said place or object that is now linked to the affair, was formerly a happy place for the marriage? Like a favorite restaurant or vacation spor that the married couple once enjoyed, but now is tainted by affair memories because WS and AP went there? Should a BS relinquish those places or things because it could make WH uncomfortable?

I SAY who cares? if no one cared enough about me to avoid my favorite places during the affair, I will not care about the effects of either reclaiming them OR eschewing them for life.

Whatever it takes for ME, the BS to heal is EXACTLY what I will do. Hopefully with my fWS, or without him if need be.

Sell the car, burn the couch or the house, quit the job, move away, sit on the spot, jump on the cheap motel beds.......WHATEVER empowers me to reclaim my life is what I must do to heal.

Sign In

Doing it where they did it

Recommended Posts

Steadfast

HopingAgain

JustAReformedGirl

HopingAgain

tbf

MissBee

HopingAgain

Steadfast

lilmisscantbewrong

Confused48

Snowflower

Snowflower

lilmisscantbewrong

HopingAgain

lilmisscantbewrong

Confused48

lilmisscantbewrong

busdriver

waterwoman

lilmisscantbewrong

Queen of Sheba

screwedovertwenty

So happy together

Spark1111

Spark1111

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...