Doing it where they did it

[screwedovertwenty]

One of my triggers is a river that I have to drive past on a regular basis. FWH and his OW did it in the river and by the river. I do not want to be horrified by this river forever. I am contemplating doing it with my husband in the same place he did her. Is that just weird or could it help me get over this??

[SmokeRat]

It is helpful to reclaim the areas that held meaning to the affair. Own them, so they cannot own you.

 

Make them to special to you in ways, the affair could never match up to.

Edited June 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BetrayedH]

Well, I set the couch on fire. That was very liberating.

 

Not sure my advice helps much regarding a river.

 

More seriously, if you're still kinda hysterical bonding (and so you know the sex would be great), I say go for it. Make your own new memory to think of every time you pass by.

[HopingAgain]

Sorry you are going through this. I will tell you that reclaiming the spot worked for me. My WH and his exOW made out in our truck. I suffered through triggers for months as we couldn't afford a new vehicle. But we took.it a step further and had sex in the truck one night, and now NO more triggers surrounding the vehicle. So I say let loose. Do it in the river, on the bank, up against a tree, hell, pull over on the way from leaving the river and give it another go! Conquer that trigger and do.some reclaiming!

[screwedovertwenty]

Thank you all! I was almost scared to post that because it seemed so weird, maybe creepy. I feel so much better!

 

BH, if it had been my couch, I would have burned it too!

 

Hoping, I made my husband sell is car because it was so tainted. I cannot make the river go away that easily!

[JustAReformedGirl]

One of my triggers is a river that I have to drive past on a regular basis. FWH and his OW did it in the river and by the river. I do not want to be horrified by this river forever. I am contemplating doing it with my husband in the same place he did her. Is that just weird or could it help me get over this??

 

I don't think it's weird. I think many people who have been in your situation, if they opted to reconcile, wanted to do the same thing. It was your place with him, first. It's like marking your territory, all over again (so to speak).

 

It may take awhile to get passed this, even if you guys do have sex in that place. It may take several visits there.

 

If you decide to do it, make sure each and every visit there is special. I'm sure your fWH will gladly do anything and everything to help you through this, and to get the magic back into your relationship.

[BrokenPrincess]

I don't it's weird at all to reclaim things that are triggering you, but what does your H think about the idea? Is he prepared and supportive of facing his own potential triggers having sex there again?

[screwedovertwenty]

I don't it's weird at all to reclaim things that are triggering you, but what does your H think about the idea? Is he prepared and supportive of facing his own potential triggers having sex there again?

 

I asked and he said he would be glad to.

[busdriver]

My affair hadn't gotten as far as actual sex when we were found out, but it did get physical. The only places it ever happened were at work and in my car. After D-day, my wife did have a peculiar drive to 'reclaim' my car, even though she seldom rode in it before. She said it bothered her even having it in the garage.

 

To be honest I felt a little bit odd about it, because it felt like she was competing for me. And I know I am no prize! So it bothered me to think she would think she could erase my OW by trying to act like her. In the end it only reminded me of her, because if we are honest it really was about her. If it wasn't, then why weren't we making out in my car before that? So it felt sort of forced. But I also know it was important to her. When all was said and done, she felt like she had won. I feel a little embarrassed typing that. It did seem to make her feel so much better, and more peaceful. It was the first time since D-day I felt like I made her happy.

Edited June 27, 2013 by busdriver

[dichotomy]

Interesting discussion.

 

Irish pubs and irish music were very much a part of wife's relationship with OM (and her unhealthy past in general). I have on many occasion taken her to Irish pubs and festivals where we live. It never helped me , in fact all it did was remind her (and me) of her past. It was more to prove to her I could deal with it (accept it) by taking her there. I put on a good act, and I think she felt really good that I did appear cool about it, and she had fun, but really it did not help me, and even hurt. Also I think she was unable or did not "get it" - and she put in no extra effort to make these events or evenings "specially rewarding" for me. Now it has just become a regular proof that I am the bigger person by not letting it openly bother me and taking her there to relive her passion for that culture. Sigh.

Edited June 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[bobwhite007]

i hate George Strait!!!!

Interesting discussion.

 

Irish pubs and irish music were very much a part of wife's relationship with OM (and her unhealthy past in general). I have on many occasion taken her to Irish pubs and festivals where we live. It never helped me , in fact all it did was remind her (and me) of her past. It was more to prove to her I could deal with it (accept it) by taking her there. I put on a good act, and I think she felt really good that I did appear cool about it, and she had fun, but really it did not help me, and even hurt. Also I think she was unable or did not "get it" - and she put in no extra effort to make these events or evenings "specially rewarding" for me. Now it has just become a regular proof that I am the bigger person by not letting it openly bother me and taking her there to relive her passion for that culture. Sigh.

[busdriver]

Dichotomy, did you go to the pubs with her before the A? Because that is the biggest issue I saw in my case. Can you "re"claim something if you never claimed it before? In your case it seem s like it wasn't entirely your idea, so maybe reclaiming is the wrong term. But you seem to be performing the role of someone who fills the needs you imagine her OM filled.

 

But in my car, my W was performing, it's simple as that. She even joked about "blowing my mind", the exact same words as this discussion. But all that really blew my mind was how much it missed the point. She didn't want to make out in the car because she was hot for me, or because she liked making out in cars. She wanted to make out in the car because OW had been there. When OW and I were together in the car, it was about me and OW. When W and I were together in the car, it was still about me and OW.

 

So the memories of OW are not gone from the car, in fact if I am honest I never really connected her that much with the car until then. Now I connect the car with my OW and also with the image of my wife performing like that. The memory makes me very uncomfortable, but I have never told her that. It's a flirty thing she will do now sometimes, wink and mention my car, and I smile because I know she feels she has a little of her power back. In the end I feel (as I deserve) like low scum to have made feel so powerless in the first place.

[dichotomy]

Dichotomy, did you go to the pubs with her before the A? Because that is the biggest issue I saw in my case. Can you "re"claim something if you never claimed it before? In your case it seem s like it wasn't entirely your idea, so maybe reclaiming is the wrong term. But you seem to be performing the role of someone who fills the needs you imagine her OM filled.

 

.

 

Good point. I had never been to a true Irish pub or event before hand. This was her world for a few years of unhealthy living and she brought it into our relationship. In fact she had me go to the one specific Irish pub and meet OM before I knew who he was (nice huh ? this is Jeff he is "a friend") ...anyway perhaps not reclaiming, but as was mentioned by someone trying to face something that hurts, show it does not bother me and perhaps try to make our own memories.

 

When she moved into my house after the wedding we took her old bed to the dump and watched it get crushed. That was more therapeutic for me.

[Artie Lang]

whatever helps, i say.

[HopingAgain]

If its making you feel bad, YOU should get rid of the car.

 

QUOTE=busdriver;5003285]Dichotomy, did you go to the pubs with her before the A? Because that is the biggest issue I saw in my case. Can you "re"claim something if you never claimed it before? In your case it seem s like it wasn't entirely your idea, so maybe reclaiming is the wrong term. But you seem to be performing the role of someone who fills the needs you imagine her OM filled.

 

But in my car, my W was performing, it's simple as that. She even joked about "blowing my mind", the exact same words as this discussion. But all that really blew my mind was how much it missed the point. She didn't want to make out in the car because she was hot for me, or because she liked making out in cars. She wanted to make out in the car because OW had been there. When OW and I were together in the car, it was about me and OW. When W and I were together in the car, it was still about me and OW.

 

So the memories of OW are not gone from the car, in fact if I am honest I never really connected her that much with the car until then. Now I connect the car with my OW and also with the image of my wife performing like that. The memory makes me very uncomfortable, but I have never told her that. It's a flirty thing she will do now sometimes, wink and mention my car, and I smile because I know she feels she has a little of her power back. In the end I feel (as I deserve) like low scum to have made feel so powerless in the first place.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Dichotomy, did you go to the pubs with her before the A? Because that is the biggest issue I saw in my case. Can you "re"claim something if you never claimed it before? In your case it seem s like it wasn't entirely your idea, so maybe reclaiming is the wrong term. But you seem to be performing the role of someone who fills the needs you imagine her OM filled.

 

But in my car, my W was performing, it's simple as that. She even joked about "blowing my mind", the exact same words as this discussion. But all that really blew my mind was how much it missed the point. She didn't want to make out in the car because she was hot for me, or because she liked making out in cars. She wanted to make out in the car because OW had been there. When OW and I were together in the car, it was about me and OW. When W and I were together in the car, it was still about me and OW.

 

So the memories of OW are not gone from the car, in fact if I am honest I never really connected her that much with the car until then. Now I connect the car with my OW and also with the image of my wife performing like that. The memory makes me very uncomfortable, but I have never told her that. It's a flirty thing she will do now sometimes, wink and mention my car, and I smile because I know she feels she has a little of her power back. In the end I feel (as I deserve) like low scum to have made feel so powerless in the first place.

 

Wow - this actually is good info. My husband had sex with his ow in his office. I have often thought of taking that back. Now I am thinking twice about it.

[HopingAgain]

Wow - this actually is good info. My husband had sex with his ow in his office. I have often thought of taking that back. Now I am thinking twice about it.

 

I think the best way to go would be talking to him about it. This is one of those types of scenarios where compromise certainly comes into play. The trigger is there for you, either way, and although it may be uncomfortable for one or both of you initially, at least some good may come from it in the form of you taking some power back over that memory.

[seren]

I would go by myself and see it for what it was, just a river, I would go until my eyes bled and I was sick to death of the dammed river. Then go make new memories with your H, it wasn't so much the places H went with OW, TBH it was a crappy hotel for an hour or two in the afternoon and the thought of all the people who had and were using it for the same reason would have made me feel yuck. It was long a standing joke before the A that it was called the shag hotel, but part of H's reasons for the A was to make him feel less than (long story).

 

Anyone can have sex by a river and if it makes you feel better then go for it, but make it about you and H. I would say to anyone who has triggers to talk about them, whether you are the BS, XWS, XAP or whatever, to talk about how and what they are feeling, to have these thoughts and not talk doesn't help reconciliation.

[waterwoman]

Not interested in where H was with her. I prefer to make new memories. To add to the 30 years of memories we already have

[busdriver]

I guess I actually don't see it as taking power back. There's no power there unless you put it there. My W saw it a little like desecrating what she thought was a church of me and my OW. But she is the one who made it a church. She connected the car with OW like my OW was a poltergeist or a saint that controlled the place. But honestly I never thought of it that way, and neither did my OW. We did what we did there, because we were there. That's all. If I could have treated her to a five-star resort or a bed and breakfast, it would have happened there. If I told my OW that my W made love with me int he car, she wouldn't have cared, except to wonder why my W would suddenly want to make out in a car. My W is the one who saw an "aura" around the place. Letting her make love with me in that car did not erase anything about my feelings for my OW. It was important to her, and it made her happy. But the power was in her own mind, not mine or my OW's.

 

If it makes you happy, do it. Do whatever you have to do if it makes you feel better. But it's possible your H does not think about the river (or office) like you do. Maybe he just drives past it without thinking. You might only draw his attention to it where it wouldn't have been before. My wife unintentionally concecrated my car to my OW. You are giving your H's OW a whole river!

 

(Getting rid of the car is not an option, but it wouldn't be productive for the same reasons. There is not a curse or an aura there. That would be giving a lot of power to a place that was chosen just by circumstance.)

Edited June 28, 2013 by busdriver

[Snowflower]

busdriver, your posts and thoughts are really powerful. They really give a good perspective of what has gone through the mind of someone who has cheated. Maybe men in particular. It sounds like you didn't associate your vehicle with the OW until your wife made a big deal about it. Now the connection is cemented in your mind. Making out with the OW in your car might have been something that was relatively non-memorable in your mind but once your wife made it an issue for HER then it made into an issue for you.

 

How incredibly sad.

 

I hope that BS, in particular BW, will consider your experience when thinking about reclaiming a place where the physical betrayal happened.

[Confused48]

I agree that Busdriver's comment are very interesting. I hesitate to say helpful. I understand what he means. I feel the truth of it. It just makes me realize this issue is one more aspect of an affair for which there is no good solution. No good options. Like whether you stay and recon or leave and move on. There is good and bad to both. So too here, there is good and bad. If we take the route of not reclaiming the place where they did it or if we don't. Neither option is good. As someone else here keeps saying, affairs suck.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I hate to say it but we do better when we create memories and have fun in NEW places. It is extremely hard to go to places where I have been with xMM and not good for my husband either. So we pretty much avoid them. Now there have been a few where we were all together (his family and ours) that we have been back to and with time the memories have faded and we are recreating new ones, but those are places where there weren't any "romantic" things that happened. In fact we recently joined a local club that I have wanted to be a part of for years and it has helped so much because there isn't anything there that is a reminder and I love that and we are meeting new people that have nothing to do with XMM and that whole scene.

 

But places where he and I had been together as a couple to meet, nope - not going there. There was a time early on when I thought it was like blowing out ghosts or something, but it was in reality keeping me stuck. I know that xMM and his BS and another couple actually went to those places afterwards which I thought very odd. It didn't make sense to me that she would put him in a situation where there are memories of me. They got rid of the car, the boat, a guitar and I'm sure the couch in his house, but they go places where we were together? But I suppose healing comes to people in different ways. I can't do it but maybe they can, who knows?

 

I totally understand why some people choose to move and how moving to a completely different location could be extremely helpful. I honestly wish we could do that and maybe we will as the last one gets out of high school. There is some freedom in being away from constant reminders and I have them all around me.

 

Affairs suck.

Edited June 28, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[JustAReformedGirl]

What Busdriver said makes a certain sense; but it's also entirely possible that even if the OP does make her husband aware of why she wants to reclaim the river (which she has, and he has agreed to doing), that it won't make it suddenly special to him in regard to his OW.

 

So in essence, it's a good point-but it doesn't necessarily speak for the perspective of all WSs. Interesting point though; I really hadn't thought of it, myself.

[HopingAgain]

Busdriver, you do raise many good points and things to think about. However, its easier said than done. As someone who struggles with PTSD, I can tell you that not associating places or things with traumatic events that surrounded them is easier said than done with BSs. I personally think you did good by your wife. You chose to do some heavy lifting and made a sacrifice for the sake of her feelings. Looking at what it takes to overcome an affair, these types of efforts, although seemingly small and maybe even nonsensical to a WS, weigh in heavily to a BS in terms of measuring how sincere WS are about reconciling. It came down to your personal comfort and righting a wrong for your wife. I hope you eventually see and feel you made the right choice.