Inability to move on after break up

[alphax]

I'm in mid-twenties, and my girlfriend (few years older) broke up with me almost 2 months ago, and I'm almost in the same crappy state as I was in the first day. We were together for 4 years and through the first 3 years, we had developed something extremely special - both of us were sure that we were living the rest of our lives together, we talked a lot about family and children. Things went downhill in the last few months and now I know exactly why. She tried to talk to me about problems back then and I couldn't face them, I was in denial. I realize how stupid I was but I also realize why I was in denial, such that I had to see her cheat on me to open my eyes and realize (and she almost wanted me to as well to realize) - because I just couldn't communicate.

 

After the break up, I realized incredibly much not only about what went wrong in our relationship, but about myself too; and wrote her a letter with all of this. She was amazed by it and speechless, but she kept saying that it is too late and she is in love with this other guy now with whom she cheated on me.

 

I did some very very bad things after - becoming desperate, begging her and worst of all threatening her with suicide. After that, things calmed down a bit. I was left alone and what gave me courage is remembering how extremely happy both of us were - that it would just take some time and she would come back because we had everything one can wish for.

 

So after a while of not getting anything from her, I contacted her to meet up for a beer. She refused, saying it's too early and it hurt me - she was so sure about herself and confident. We chatted a bit online, and she seems like she is really happy and she figured her life out with him. It shattered me in a few seconds, and that's how I am back to square 1. I cannot believe how she could have pushed these 4 years away so easily; and whatever I do, I can never seem to manage to let her fully go. The closest I've gotten to moving on so far is "you never know what will happen", but I know very well that by that I believe they will break up and she will come back to me - but she's a person who can easily keep relationships last long.

 

I can't even be angry at her, because I understand a little how she might have done what she did, and I still feel I can forgive her and live the rest of my life with her and I still want to, because if I work on my problems and she works on hers, we could be a really strong couple. In fact, if she just broke up with me, it would be the healthiest for both us to take a step back and think. But she moved immediately from me to him, not giving herself space or even time to think what happened and what she wants. And from the impressions I get and from her friends, she seems like she made 'the' decision and she doesn't even have doubts and that just hurts so much. I cannot accept that there is nothing I could do and as much as I hear "you need to move on and stop thinking about her" I still cannot do it and hardly even gotten close to it. I think 24/7 about all possibilities of what's in her mind and about plans I could do, and always wake up early from some dream about her - every single night.

 

I keep thinking that if she gave herself some space and left the guy, then we slowly could work on ourselves and then on our relationship, rebuild from scratch step by step to become a damn strong couple who would be holding hands when we're 80 - because that is how we were and I only needed to be myself..nothing more. Things change that's true, but it happens with all couples and that's why we needed time apart - I'm so frustrated that she just pushed it all behind.

 

I honestly have no idea what to do, since therapy hasn't really helped much at all. I can't seem to accept the moving on part, and I feel like I'm trying to find one answer that says "this is the best way to get her back and build a strong relationship". I really don't know why I can't accept living without her because I know I can. If she didn't have him, I'm sure she'd be going through the same that I'm going through, and think about me like I think about her...Sometimes I think of psychological tricks, sometimes honesty, sometimes appear like I moved on...I don't know. It's destroying me is all I know.

[CannibalQu33n]

Sweet heart all I hear is her, her , her. What about you? what makes YOU happy? whats YOUR favorite tv show? What do you do when YOU can't sleep? What are some things YOU do when your bored? YOU need to focus on YOU before you get stuck in a rut. Its been 2 months get your booty up and go for a run! go to the bar with your friends, Go bowling just go out and focus on YOU. because in the end you can never love anouther person until YOUR happy with YOUR self.

[SimonSerenade]

I am so sorry your going through this, I know it's hard and possibly the hardest part of it all is seeing her move on with another man so soon, don't punish yourself for what you did afterwards, a lot of people go to the extremes when they get in to that situation, desperation takes hold, I bet you gave this lady your whole life and made her THE priority you felt she deserved to be, it's hard to accept when your not getting it back, the fact she cheated says more about her than it does about you, it's a forgivable act for some but not so much for others, the fact you would forgive her no questions asked speaks volumes on the dimensions of your relationship and sums you up as a good hearted person.

 

After reading your story, my heart broke for you, so many people world wide right now are dealing with this and not one of those souls deserve it, you paint me as a guy who's low on confidence and your scrambling around in your head right now looking for the answers as to why your feeling the way you do, unfortunately those answers aren't going to come from her, the answers are inside you.

 

I'll bet when you got with this girl any insecurities you had, any negative emotions vanished in a heart beat because this girl made you feel safe, she was the cure you were searching for all along, right now she's taken the formula away and you'd do anything for one more hit of it.

 

Right now you need to stop talking to her, you need to disappear and hear nothing from her or about her, you can't put your life on hold hoping somebody will come back, it will only prolong your suffering, there is no technique or method that can truly win back a woman's heart and if there was, it will most likely short circuit after a small amount of time.

 

I know it's cliche but you need to move on, don't try to understand this, you can scratch your head for a life time and never truly understand, it doesn't matter anymore, no amount of understanding the situation will bring her back, learn to forgive and let go, it's the best thing for you right now, find yourself again and find an admiration for yourself, build yourself from the ground up and one day you will learn to love again wether it be her or somebody else.

[alphax]

Thank you for the encouragement. I also just read the G.I.G.S. post and it's a huge eye opener to realize that this could be exactly that. What I hate the most is that there's really nothing I could do. I read/heard stories of people who did fight back and managed to get them back, or at least to make their ex leave their new partner to think and work on themselves. So I do wonder if there might be anything at all I can do. For instance, the last letter I gave her was focused too much on what went wrong and why, and I forgot to mention all the good things which I can't stop thinking about now...and I really fear now that she cannot remember anything good about me, considering the last few weeks we had together before the break up were very "dead", and the extreme desperation and begging that ensued.

 

After a few weeks, I initiated contact again today to try and become friends with her. Now I regret doing it too after reading the G.I.G.S. post. Should I just break contact again without any notice? Should I keep light contact or should I tell her something before breaking contact?

[StrongLass]

Should I just break contact again without any notice?

 

YES. You need to heal & work on yourself. What she does with her life is on her.

 

Should I keep light contact or should I tell her something before breaking contact?

 

NO. Light contact is just you being desperate to hold onto her SOMEHOW regardless of whether or not it hurts you.

 

Tell her nothing. Just slip away.

[alphax]

Thanks, I will attempt that as best as I can. One more issue. We used to live together and she moved out. Sometimes I still received letters for her in my mailbox, and last time we talked she said that she expects another one. How do I go about handing them to her?

[StrongLass]

Thanks, I will attempt that as best as I can. One more issue. We used to live together and she moved out. Sometimes I still received letters for her in my mailbox, and last time we talked she said that she expects another one. How do I go about handing them to her?

 

That's rather inconsiderate of her given the circumstances but anyways...

 

The lowest maintenance option would be circling her name & writing "Not at this address" on them before shoving them into a mailbox so the sender will get it back.

 

Honestly though?

Your best bet for getting her to actually do something about it is to tell her "Stop letting your mail come here or I'll start throwing them out"

 

Whatever you do, don't be a doormat for her.

[alphax]

So in the past almost 2 months now since the breakup I have been heavily relying on my only best friend here (my other best friends are back in my home country). Today however I almost lost her too, because my constant need for her support almost broke her own relationship. Suddenly everything shattered again, and I desperately needed that comfort and safety from my ex because I felt even more completely alone. I was very close to calling her late at night.

 

I thought I was going back into depression but as sad as I still am, I thought friends and family are nice, but eventually I and everyone else is alone in this world and we have to work as individuals and live for ourselves. I surprisingly made myself feel better and avoid the deep suffocation I was getting. I guess the tremendous pain one feels does make you able to control it more slowly. I hope I can keep reminding myself this to let it last.

 

One thing I'm wondering though, is that my ex might have the same problems. She's dependent and needs to rely on someone and can't even bare the idea of being alone...which is why she could not break up with me when things weren't going so well; not because she took care of me. She lost her feelings to me not because of the little problems we had, but because she switched her dependency needs from me to him and only then could she break up. But if she does not face the fears and challenges of being alone and living for oneself, she will not be able to be truly happy in a lasting relationship despite keeping it for couple of years and possibly even going for marriage...and then when it is really too late, she can be utterly crushed. I feel like I should tell her this as the very very last thing. I will be leaving the country for good soon so I won't be able to see her anymore, whether intentionally or coincidentally. She can ignore it or it might make her think, but are there any drawbacks of doing this?