Inviv_girl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Will I honestly ever going to get through this or is it going to hurt for years and years afterwards. I can't believe he has done this to me, it just makes him seem like a totally different person, almost as if I didn't know him through the years. I never imagined he could hurt me like this. When will I feel ok? How and when will I get over this or is he going to be branded to me forever? I just can't believe I'm feeling this much when I know he's probably not feeling anything. You will get through this Emma, I know it is hurt just so you know that you're not alone. Feel the pain, cry as much as you can but then get up and smile again. He left so let him go! find your own happiness and better life without him! you can! we all can! Hugs! 1
LOSTnMT Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 You will get through this, because you are YOU. If things you dont like are constantly running through your mind.......put other things in your mind. Like a cruise, new outfit or chocolate cake. Sure it sounds easier than it is, but it really is that simple. 1
NYCGuy22 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 The first thing you are seeking, is 'Closure'. All your questions are based on being in a complete fog as to his motives. Well, sadly, you will never get closure - either from us, or from him. Why? Because: Any questions posed to him will result in (1) platitudes, (2) ignorance or (3), lying. (1) He will try to placate you by appeasing you and telling you "it's not you, it's me!" or explaining that you need to find someone better for yourself. (2) He may also resort to responding that he doesn't know, he's not sure, he just feels out of sorts, can't really put his finger on it.... And finally (3) - the lies: He will just make anything up in the hope of getting you off his back, and explain that business/work/family ties just make it difficult to focus on you both right now... but maybe once all *this* has settled, he will be back. Note: Lies will also heavily feature in (1) and (2). The fact is, wanting Closure just engenders more questions, and doesn't give you closure, just more desperation, and curiosity. As I've said before: "Closure is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system." The next thing you have to quit doing, is 'snowballing': I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and you jokingly accused him of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what he was wearing, other things he said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and you jokingly accused him of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what he was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2). Tara - you are amazing. Reading that helped so much. Emma - I know what you are going through, as I have recently been dumped by who I thought was an amazing person. But each day, I tend to let a little more go.
eddyctv Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Emma, this may sound a little rediculous, but I found that BOOK READING helps me quite a bit. Obviously not a stupid romance novel. I picked up a Michael Chricton book, started reading it, and got buried in it. It helps
eddyctv Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Emma, this may sound a little rediculous, but I found that BOOK READING helps me quite a bit. Obviously not a stupid romance novel. I picked up a Michael Chricton book, started reading it, and got buried in it. It helps I just wanted to say...ANY hobby will help...do you have one? Maybe you can find one that you can make money off of, like uh website design or something...
anna121 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hey, my story is basically that he left me to find himself after 2 and a half years. I can't explain how much he has hurt me, so much so that I don't think I could take him back even if he came back. He told me he still has feelings for me and misses me and that he wants me for the future but that for now he needs time to himself. He also reassured me he wasn't going to get into another relationship or sleep around. Basically I'm just curious about what he's thinking/going through. I've been no contact for nearly a month now and I finally deactivated my fb account today which was like a breath of fresh air. Obviously, it depends, but there have been times when I was the dumper and I thought about the person very little. I was ready to move on, so I did. His words mean nothing right now, I'm afraid. Trust his actions.
starlet86 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 My ex is currently doing this, but he actually does have a hell of a lot on at the moment, some of which was the catalyst as to why our relationship ended. I have gone NC whilst he sorts his crap out. He's gone in to over-attentive mode. My barriers up though and I am being as cold as ice. I need actions not words. He's aware that now everything is starting to level out for him he's on a time limit. The longer I don't contact him, the harder it will be for him to try and get me to. He knows this, I know this and if he's too late, he's too late. I am not waiting for him any more and he's more than aware. 1
Author Emma1234 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Hey, I know that this is the wrong thing to be thinking and many people will disagree with me but I have found that the only way to get out of bed in the morning is to hold onto a tiny morsel of hope. He was genuinely a caring, kind, loving guy and we both planned our future, especially him, and basically agreed that we'd be so happy spending the rest of our lives together. We went to uni together but things started to change a bit and I would get angry at him for no reason so I know I'm to blame. I could see a small change occurring in him as well. He never used to complain or say anything bad about anything and I'd always be put first, he literally treated me like gold. Anyway these things started to change, he started going on negatively about his flatmate, snapping back at me a lot and generally acting quite arrogant. I understood he needed to focus on his course and I on mine so we put that first and eventually nearing the end of the uni year and three months of this happening we decided to try a months break. Initially I loved it, I loved the freedom and being able to totally depend upon myself and I had a small bit of excitement about meeting some one new. He was very upset at the beginning of the break and we still saw each other. He seemed to go back to his loving self during the break. Anyway I came home for the weekend and all of the memories and feelings rushed back and I realised we could work through this. I text him telling him but he said he needed more time and when I said 'love you' he returned only with a smiley face. Two weeks later I said I needed an answer as it was too hard and he told me that he didn't think anymore time was going to change his mind. I literally broke down. He then went on to say that all he wanted was to focus on himself and I could understand that because I had experienced that feeling as well during the beginning but going home had reminded me of what we had. Anyway, I had the most difficult week of my life after that. He continued to contact me desperate to be friends and I tried but it got too hard. He admitted things such as he still has strong feelings for me but he has to be selfish to do this for himself. He is a very independent person and has family issues so the freedom of uni life was lovely for him. He also said he was finding it hard to justify what he had done and who knew what happens a few months down the line when he has had his space. He said he wishes he could just miss me as a friend but can't. We met for coffee and he kept his guard up but I decided to be my happy self, he got jealous when I said I was having tea with a friend and inquired as to whether it was a boy (was a girl) and he kept saying how lovely and thoughtful I was and when we went for a drink at his he had be playing the guitar for him as if we had never split up. I realised after this that I couldn't be in contact with him anymore and so I text him and told him I needed my space and that maybe we could be friends on the future. He replied saying it was completely not what he wanted but he guessed he didn't have a say. That was 30 days ago. I have finally blocked him on fb after getting obsessed with checking and seeing him post a photo of a place we both used to go saying it was good for him to be in his thinking spot again. I know he hasn't been home properly and I can tell he is avoiding it and focusing on his own little life with his computer and 2 flat mates at uni. I know he doesn't want another gf, it really is about time to himself and he admitted he'd never have the confidence to have a one night stand, plus he never really goes out clubbing. He truly was special and I'm not ready to give up what we had. He told me during our coffee about his brother who broke up with her gf but then a few months down the line got her back but then dumped her again and now apparently couldn't even look at another girl because he wanted her back so much (they argued constantly though) and my ex said that if that happened to him then he'd just have to tell himself that this was the right thing to do at the time. I know hope is the worst thing to focus on but I really do think it was a case of timings and age. Please please don't tell me he just wants to sleep around as I truly don't believe that Is there any hope for us? I sound desperate but I just want to know about experiences and whether I should give up on this. I know it's important to focus on myself during this time and I'm starting to do that but I just don't want to give this up. We have now been broken up for 7 weeks. No contact for 29 days.
Mack05 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) 'Hope' in life Emma is a great thing. Indeed my favourite quote in the world is from the shawshank redemption. "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". In general though 'hope' is NOT a good thing when it comes to relationship breakups. 'Hope' is the heart playing tricks on the mind. 'Hope' stops logical thinking. It keeps you stuck in a long rut. Stuck in limbo.. Tara gave you a great reply yesterday. You just need to keep re reading that for awhile. I didn't like the advice Inaya42 gave you in one of your other threads, about this guy finding himself. The bottom line line is 'finding himself' is a cowardly way out of dumping you and avoiding telling you the truth and that truth is he doesn't see a future with you. Where is the 'Hope' in that? All the stuff about "feelings for you" is just in case his life 'plan' doesn't work out the way he intends and that he has something to fall back on. That is the harsh reality staring you in the face. You just choose to ignore it because of that dreaded word in relationship breakups...'Hope'. Inaya42 in your other thread almost (it seemed, I am assuming) wanted you to keep believeing, when the truth is this man does not want to be with you. I had a relationship once that lasted two years. We never fought, she was always happy and EVERYONE loves her. Even now. I would like to believe I am a good guy too. I broke up with her because it just didn't feel right. The difference between me and your ex is I had the balls to tell her the truth. Looking back I made the right call. But she liked you had 'hope' because we never fought and we were great friends (even before we got together). This guy hasn't been honest with you. He chickened out of the truth because he is a coward. He would rather look good and keep his options open, then be truthful. In time when the clouds part you will see this. The guy you end up with will NEVER need to find himself. I have lost count of the amount of weddings I have been too, 90% of them never broke up and the 10% that did were together 8 or 9 years. They broke up, thought things through, readjusted and came back to each other more rounded mature people. In this case though there is NO HOPE. I know this sounds harsh but you need to drill this into yourself. I joined this site two years ago in need of support. I come and go these days, but my my aim is to give back the support I received (especially during working hours :-). Do you know how many stories I have read that are similiar to yours? 100's, &^^k it 1000's. You are the rule Emma not the exception. I am sorry if my love is tough, but holding onto hope will just keep you in this rut. Hope for a dumpee is an avoidance to having to deal with their grief. Even if he did come back the chances of success are non existent. You are focusing on the 'words' of a coward. Instead you need to focus on his actions. He left you, he wasn't honest with you, which means you can't trust him and it means you deserve better. Strong confident people know they deserve better, this is where your focus must lie going forward. I said to you on a previous thread you shouldn't break NC. I am starting to think you should. At least then you will hit rock bottom and then start to claim back up. The bottom line is he has choosen NOT to be with you. Focus on that instead of the word hope which doesn't belong in a scenario like this... Edited June 28, 2013 by Mack05 6
eddyctv Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 You are fairly young compared to me (Im 42). I think in just about EVERY relationship i've been in, i've gotten back with the ex. Not right away tho...sometimes a year, sometimes a couple of years, and sometimes 20+ years. Unfortunately, the 20 year one is the one who just left me recently and thats why I'm here. So, I would NEVER say NEVER. But I would also say, you HAVE to move on right now, grow, evolve, forget about him, detach yourself from what you are feeling right now. I think once that happens, and you casually bump into each other down the road, the sparks may fly again. They may not. But you can't just sit around and wait for him. I dont think its going to happen, at least not in the way you want it to. I am begging you, get a hobby - its the BEST way to clear your head. Read some (non romantic) books, play an instrument, draw, go to the gym, go bike riding, contact old friends you havent spoken to in years (i did that, met up with friends i havent seen in 17 years!) lose yourself in something else. Just dont let this depression eat you alive. It's so much easier said than done (I know, I'm going thru what you are going thru) but you HAVE to do it. He has to contact you, its not going to work the other way around. 1
Mack05 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Eddy those ex's that came back how many did it work out with? I just have to shake my head at these replies..Emotional maturity of a freggin grapefuit.. "Hope in one hand and crap in the other and see which one's fill up faster". This 'hope' nonsense and that is what it is in this case will just keep the OP in a rut..This relationship has NO future. This kind of pie in the sky advice really doesn't help cause guess what answers Emma will focus on. Sigh....... 1
eddyctv Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Eddy those ex's that came back how many did it work out with? I just have to shake my head at these replies..Emotional maturity of a freggin grapefuit.. "Hope in one hand and crap in the other and see which one's fill up faster". This 'hope' nonsense and that is what it is in this case will just keep the OP in a rut..This relationship has NO future. This kind of pie in the sky advice really doesn't help cause guess what answers Emma will focus on. Sigh....... HAHA well it didnt work out with any of them, as I didnt feel the same towards them anymore. No spark...Well, except the one that just broke up with me. I was planning on marrying her. And I still believe we will be together one day, just not right now. My point is, it CAN happen. They CAN get back together in the future, if they BOTH want to. The reality is...they will both move on and find people that will make them happy. And Emma will live happily ever after with the right guy.
SmithJ Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Hi Emma, I am going through the same thing as you. We lived together and he left me over a week ago, moved out of our flat and hasn't contacted me since. I was so sad and heartbroken and still am, I literally cry every single day and when I'm by myself it's a million times worse but there's one piece of advice that I got from my mum, she said 'you can't control how someone else feels about you, if he wants you back he will get in touch and let you know but in the meantime you can't just sit around crying because he wont be doing the same. You are in control of your own life though and how you feel about yourself so just love yourself and if he decides he wants you back he will come back but nothing you can say will alter his decision' So that is what I am doing, meeting up with friends, talking about him until I am bored of telling the same stories and just bearing in mind that he has made his mind up, he knows how I feel and if he comes back he'll come back. I am in day 5 of no contact and it is getting easier now.
flitzanu Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 and i'm assuming he hasn't tried to contact you at all in these 30 days?
sprucegoose Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 When my ex dumped me, I couldn't/wouldn't believe that he was stupid enough to let me go. But I stuck with NC. Three months in and I realize, if he really wanted to get back with me, he would have already reached out. But he didn't. Has your ex reached out? Maybe it's time to accept what he was telling you is how he really feels. 1
hoping2heal Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 It's been 7 weeks and 30 days of that has been without any contact. If it were just a knee jerk breakup on his end, he would have tried to get you back by now. Afterall, in the same vein that he could be meeting new people, you could be meeting new people too. The fact that he isn't clamoring to put a stop to that is another testament to just how okay he is with this break up. You shared many good memories together in the past, he will think of you fondly. But now he wants to make new memories with himself, with his friends, and with other women. He's not going to tell you if he's having ONS, he's not going to tell you if he has casual sex. He's not going to tell you if he's met someone he has feelings for. He does not want to hurt you and I'm sure he knows you would be very hurt by that. You can hang onto hope all you'd like but it won't do anything to change the outcome of this situation. I know it's painful but instead of clinging on something that offers you repeated punches to the chest, rip the band aid off and come to accept reality. 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 HOPE: I say this a lot: "There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'." Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE. However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world “except one”.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'Hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'..... Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer. Three Hopes: Cape of Good, Bob and No. I like Mack's comment: "Hope in one hand and crap in the other and see which one's fill up faster" Blunt, succinct but to-the-point. And so true. So very, very true. 1
Author Emma1234 Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Thank you everyone. I'm not going to hold onto hope. I know that there is still a possibility that he may realise but it's not what should important to me. He doesn't deserve me if he can drop me like this. Everyone has always said I was too good for him and I'm slowly starting to realise this. I'm going to focus on myself, I'm obviously going to have bad days and may need to post on here for support but in the long run I'm going to be ok. If he does come back then we'll have to see where my feelings are at and if he doesn't then all the better for me. He's not worth this much pain.
Author Emma1234 Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) Firstly thank you so much everyone who posted on my previous threads. You've helped a lot these past few days. I'm at 30 days NC today and it feels like an extra weight, I've had no contact from him what so ever. I'm letting go of hope now, I know he's not going to come back in the short term and probably not in the long term. I've also realised what everyone has always told me: I'm too good for him. It doesn't make the missing him any easier though. I'm wondering whether to just break the contact now that the 30 days are up. I know he's not coming back to me and I know that I'm slowly starting to feel ok but I just don't want to lose him out of my life completely. I know NC is important for space and time but he is stubborn and sticks to things so the fact that I've told him not to contact me will stop him from contacting me (unless he wants me back but I know that he doesn't). I don't want the contact as a way of getting back together but just to check he's ok. What should I do? I know many will advise stick at no contact but I'm scared he'll never ever try and talk to me again. Sorry for the huge amount of posts with similar things. It's just what's running through my mind. Edited June 29, 2013 by Emma1234 Spelling
William Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 Moderation merged four essentially similar threads into one thread for continuity. There may be some overlap/disjoint in quotations/posts but the gist of the discussion should be intact. Thanks.
inaya42 Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 'Hope' in life Emma is a great thing. Indeed my favourite quote in the world is from the shawshank redemption. "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". In general though 'hope' is NOT a good thing when it comes to relationship breakups. 'Hope' is the heart playing tricks on the mind. 'Hope' stops logical thinking. It keeps you stuck in a long rut. Stuck in limbo.. Tara gave you a great reply yesterday. You just need to keep re reading that for awhile. I didn't like the advice Inaya42 gave you in one of your other threads, about this guy finding himself. The bottom line line is 'finding himself' is a cowardly way out of dumping you and avoiding telling you the truth and that truth is he doesn't see a future with you. Where is the 'Hope' in that? All the stuff about "feelings for you" is just in case his life 'plan' doesn't work out the way he intends and that he has something to fall back on. That is the harsh reality staring you in the face. You just choose to ignore it because of that dreaded word in relationship breakups...'Hope'. Inaya42 in your other thread almost (it seemed, I am assuming) wanted you to keep believeing, when the truth is this man does not want to be with you. mack05, all fantastic points! just to clarify that i was not attempting to give the OP false hope, or to encourage her to hang onto the unlikely possibility that her ex will change his mind and soon return. as with anyone who has been left behind, the standard breakup protocol applies: accept, NC, move on. i have noticed that dumpees tend to internalize rejection from an ex deeply. and to the extent that one can discover or create internal distance from an ex's choice, i think it is beneficial to do so. so, a college senior is unlikely to be thinking about his romantic future (who will become his wife) when ending a relationship than someone who hasn't been a senior in college for some decades. (in other words, hearing from a 21-year-old that he wants break up to find himself does not carry the same implications as it does when declared by a 31-year-old or 41-year-old.) it most certainly means that the relationship is over, but it does not carry the same clarity or finality about the future. this doesn't mean much in terms of outcome for the dumpee, but it might mean something in terms of internal processing and potentially lessening the sting of rejection. this is what i wanted to offer the OP, not a reason to hold onto hope. thanks for giving me the chance to clarify!
hoping2heal Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 It doesn't make the missing him any easier though. I'm wondering whether to just break the contact now that the 30 days are up. I know he's not coming back to me and I know that I'm slowly starting to feel ok but I just don't want to lose him out of my life completely. I know NC is important for space and time but he is stubborn and sticks to things so the fact that I've told him not to contact me will stop him from contacting me (unless he wants me back but I know that he doesn't). I don't want the contact as a way of getting back together but just to check he's ok. What should I do? I know many will advise stick at no contact but I'm scared he'll never ever try and talk to me again. Sorry for the huge amount of posts with similar things. It's just what's running through my mind. Is this your first serious love, Emma? I know you're hurting now and you miss him. But if you think you're hurt now being in contact again is going to feel much worse. For one thing, few things are utterly more painful than when you're still in love with a person who is okay and having fun being without you. Well, not so much that their having fun because you're gone; just that they're out living their life and not hurting in the way you are. In other words, the fact that they don't reciprocate your feelings for them is loud and blaring in your face and well? It hurts. It really, really hurts. Sure, for a few weeks (if even that long) it's going to feel temporarily better that you can reach out and talk to him. But then sooner or later the fact that your newfound relationship is just a platonic one and not what you once shared; rears its ugly head. I doubt or would hope the guy would be so callous as to tell you about his casual hook ups with girls - wether it's just kissing or full blown sex - but that stuff is going to happen and if you're directly connected to the guy chances are you're going to end up having to hear about it, even if it's through someone else. And, sooner or later he might have an actual girlfriend. Yes, he wants to spread his wings and fly free today but you have no control over who he'll meet anymore than he does and should he meet someone he can't live without, they'll start dating and you'll have to be privy to the details. Are you ready to be put through that? You don't want to lose him forever, but only because you're still in love with him. Your interest in him does not mirror his interest in you. I don't doubt for a minute that he cares about you as a person but that's where it ends. There is no longing and pining and "can't live without you" for him. Are you ready to have that thrown in your face? You keep grasping for straws with this guy and it's your right to do so but that doesn't mean it's going to get him back. 1
yoghurtsandlimes Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 It's impossible to know what they are thinking and in some ways, it's best not to know. If they want to get back together with you- chances are they will make it clear. If they are moving on, knowing this may hurt you more and stop the healing NC will give you. I'd like to think that NC will give the 'dumper' a chance to think about the relationship and think realistically if they want to get back together. Chances are they will not- but the NC break will give them chance to confirm their feelings. NC is good all round. It makes both parties evaluate the relationship. It also give the dumpee a chance to move on in peace and with dignity.
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