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I don't know how to be anything other than good and kind. Is it destroying my hopes?

The Silence

By The Silence
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The Silence New Member

The Silence

Posted
Posted

Hello all.

I am just in a bit of a dilemma, a sort of identity crisis. Well, it is perhaps not an identity crisis, but I just feel that I am being told by society that I have to act in a certain way in order to meet someone who finds me attractive. I'm in my mid-twenties, I have never had a girlfriend, and my experience with talking to 'many' girls is pretty limited save the use of the internet - and even that has been extremely lacking recently since I grew out of 'teendom'.

 

I am not sure what to do with myself. I used to pride myself as being a kind person, who was nice to everyone I met. I would describe myself as being likeable, but very shy. I consider myself (affirmated by my co-workers) as a kind, sweet caring chap. I care about what people think of me, obviously, but I also take the time to care about others as well. I like to be personable, and whilst I don't have fantastic social skills, especially around girls my own age; I do my best to be as happy, smiley and accommodating around them as possible.

 

My problem is that there has never been any level of attraction between anyone that I kind of like. There hasn't been anything noticeable. Granted, I had never had the guts to profess my feelings to someone. This is obviously because I naturally assume that they would never be interested in me anyway. I am not a 'looker', and I have a bit of an overbite (all the photos people take of me candidly make me look like Napoleon Dynamite). My looks do get me down from time to time, but unless I am speaking openly to another older co-worker, I will rarely let anyone I am 'interested' in know how I truly feel about my appearance. I just presume that they will see what I see, it's pretty obvious, so I naturally assume that there is no physical attraction on a mutual basis.

 

I also fear that I don't know how to be anything other than a nice person to people. I know when people have been so-called 'friendzoned' by girls, that you usually find out that the "Nice Guy" probably wasn't a nice guy at all. I have been friendzoned all my life, but yet I feel no anger against women for that. Of course I feel 'frustrated', anyone would, but I don't really know how I can become this 'different' person in order to appeal to a woman.

 

I am very shy, and I really do find it a problem trying to speak to a woman without an 'awful lot' of long pauses, silences and awkwardly made goofy comments that usually end on a kind of "er...and yeah" note. I know I have low-self esteem, but I have always been this way. Ever since I was young, I was always very self-deprecating, I have hated my appearance since I was around 7ish. I know this doesn't 'sound' good. I just can't help but what I feel about myself.

 

What I am worried about is that nobody will 'ever' find me attractive, or remotely interesting because of this stigma floating around the internet. The 'niceness' factor seems to be a massive turn-off, a personality flaw and a deficiency in the name of 'manhood'. I just don't know how to be anything other than this person. When I do things for people, I am usually thinking of that person's interest. I don't 'believe' that I am thinking about doing something simply because it might render me with a chance of 'getting in' with someone.

 

There is a girl at work, who I really like, but I know that she has positively differentiates me from the 'potential relationship' category. Therefore I will never bring up the idea of 'Would you like to go on a date'. She has made it clear that she isn't looking for a boyfriend at the moment anyway, but her constant barrage of conversations with her via e-mail are usually around her latest celebrity fascination or crush. I don't think this would be topic of conversation you would actively share with someone you had any level of attraction or a passing romantic interest in. She's a lovely girl, I have a very real connection with her - and I know she considers me a good person who I think she likes being around, but ultimately, I admit defeat in terms of being anything more than a good friend. I do 'accept' this though, and it doesn't make me feel anything less of her. I will still continue doing her the odd favour, and being a good true friend to her. I don't think this makes me a bad person. I have been out with her casually just as friends - but I didn't seem to get any kind of signals like you read about on these relationship advice websites, etc.

 

I just worry that because it takes me a long time to properly talk to someone after I have met them, and warm up to them, that their interest level (if there ever was one) would already be shattered, just at the time that I am being to feel comfortable enough with them to have an automatic active and fun conversation.

 

People say you have to be a little mean, but I honestly don't know how. It is simply not in my nature to 'tease' people. I instantly feel bad, and I really despise offending people. I wouldn't do it with people I had known even for quite a while. I really don't know what to do. I am a very romantic person, but I just fear I am going to be alone for a very long time.

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The Silence New Member

The Silence

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Any bubble? =[

pcplod Established Member

pcplod

Posted
Posted (edited)

The Silence

 

You are yet another guy who I would just love to shake some sense into, may be because I see elements of myself in you when I was your age.

 

Repeating myself for the 'n'th time, being rude or ruthless ie not nice in some way will get you absolutely nowhere. You know this, without anyone telling you, but you ask the question anyway. I can only assume it is a rather cack-handed way of saying "Help! I'm feeling sorry for myself"! Well, feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get you anywhere either. Since when does "pathetic" seems sexy or appealing?

 

You've basically identified most of your issues and problems yet somehow wish they would magically evaporate, without any suffering or effort on your part. It's like they have been foisted on you as some sort of external, alien process that had nothing to do with you and that no-one sought your permission to impose on you. Here's news, life may have dealt you an unfair hand, in more ways than one, but there is absolutely nothing that can be done to turn the clock back. There is only one person who will do anything about this and maybe that is a no-no.

 

I challenge you to go through your OP and ruthlessly pick and write out those words and phrases you have used that you have used to undermine yourself:

 

  1. Very shy.
  2. I don't have fantastic social skills.
  3. I had never had the guts. (sic)
  4. I naturally assume that they would never be interested in me anyway.
  5. I am not a 'looker'.
  6. My looks do get me down from time to time.
  7. I don't really know how I can become this 'different' person in order to appeal to a woman.
  8. I am very shy.
  9. I really do find it a problem trying to speak to a woman without...
  10. I know I have low-self esteem.
  11. I was always very self-deprecating.
  12. I have hated my appearance since I was around 7ish.
  13. I don't think this makes me a bad person.

This is an absolutely appalling self-litany. You know that because you have said:

 

  • I know this doesn't 'sound' good

However, you come out with that tedious gem:

 

  • People say you have to be a little mean.

You go on to talk about teasing people but not being able to or know how to. Well here's more news. Being mean emphatically has nothing to do with teasing, at least in a playful way, and teasing is usually not directly aligned with flirting, which can have an element of harmless teasing in it. There's your first lesson for nothing.

 

 

So you're shy, have low-self esteem and are very self-conscious about your appearance because it makes you look goofy. Well, welcome to the land of the 'me-toos'. What really make you unusual in that respect?

 

 

Have you ever considered speaking to a doctor or dentist about your over-bite or is it so slight that it is not considered to be a problem and it is you who is inflating it in your mind?

 

 

If you are a goof and a geek, truly, why not play up on that, max out on it in an interesting way, through your style, hair, clothes, whatever? Make a virtue of it instead of adopting it to you as your natural handicap?

 

 

I mean, I could go on-and-on on this particular hobby-horse but you have to sort it out for yourself in a way that will work for you. There is absolutely no point flumping yourself figuratively down somewhere, bawling your eyes out and wailing "Woe betide I". You can and will waste years of your life doing that, and where exactly will it get you?

 

 

So, what are you going to do about it? What is going to be your next tiny step? Are you prepared to take that leap into the abyss and see whether you crash and burn? Another tip for free. You can't actually avoid crashing and burning if you are going to move forward. The only thing you can do is to figure out how you are going to survive it when it happens and how you are going to bounce back from it, as, indeed, you must do.

Edited by pcplod
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ferpuerto17 New Member

ferpuerto17

Posted
Posted

being good and king is not a problem, those are things that women find very attractive. You also need to be a bit more daring in life, otherwise you will never get anywhere. You do not have to be daring with women to start, if you want to get out of that mind set, then try doing things that you would normaly would not do. Afraid of heights? Then get on a roller coaster.

 

People think that I am kidding when I say that, but it helps you get moving. When you try something that scares you and you come out on top (maybe even enjoy it) then you realize that there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

 

As far as talking to women, shyness is really fear. you are probably afraid of rejection and while it is normal, it is not healthy. Let me ask you this, if you were to ask a girl out, what is the single worst thing that could happen? The reality is that the worst that will happen is that she will say no. Now the second question is so what? The world will not end, you only get to feel as bad as you let yourself. Take a chance, it pays off.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted

OP,

 

The two responses above are on the right track. Being kind and good are not your problems.

Phantom888 Established Member

Phantom888

Posted
Posted

Your looks and being kind are not the problem. Your self-confidence is what's holding you back. Confidence is a powerful thing.... It makes you look better like a brand new suit. Women are designed to be able to sense that, as in nature, the confident Alpha is more likely to be able to protect and provide for them. If you can't seem to find that confidence, you need to do something about it. Take a martial arts class or increase your education level are two simple ways to up your game. Also, stay positive and stop putting yourself down. You are what you make of yourself.

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