waterwoman Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Today was my eldest sons 'leavers assembly'. He's finished school and there was an event to mark this. My parents came to it with me and afterwards we went out for tea by the river. Dad had been for a school reunion the previous day (he's 83!!) and was telling me about a friend of his he met whose daughter left home, has been divorced twice and has no contact with her parents. Dad said he didn't like to say that his 2 children were still in touch with him, had 5 children between them, and were both happily married. I have never told my parents about H's affair but it made me laugh quietly to myself. I wonder how many marriages have secrets and how many people are nursing secret hurt?
ver13 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I know this to be true in my life and I'm sure that many others do to. I have come to realize that on any given day in which the sun is on my face anything can and will happen. I have no real regrets just scars that I live with and it's okay.
leonine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Today was my eldest sons 'leavers assembly'. He's finished school and there was an event to mark this. My parents came to it with me and afterwards we went out for tea by the river. Dad had been for a school reunion the previous day (he's 83!!) and was telling me about a friend of his he met whose daughter left home, has been divorced twice and has no contact with her parents. Dad said he didn't like to say that his 2 children were still in touch with him, had 5 children between them, and were both happily married. I have never told my parents about H's affair but it made me laugh quietly to myself. I wonder how many marriages have secrets and how many people are nursing secret hurt? My husband and I had a discussion about this once - about how he thought we were "above" this sort of thing and how we had it so much harder than any other couple we knew. I acknowledged his position, but pointed out that we really had no idea about what might or might not be going on with other people. Honestly, most people who know us would describe us as the perfect couple. Two successful, attractive people who seem to get on well and do fun things together. Yet one or both of us were unhappy for years. When we shared what we were going through with some of our friends, we were surprised at how many people had similar stories. Some showed us that what we wanted (recon) was possible, and some demonstrated the paths to NOT take. Reminds me of that quote - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." 3
drifter777 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 My husband and I had a discussion about this once - about how he thought we were "above" this sort of thing and how we had it so much harder than any other couple we knew. I acknowledged his position, but pointed out that we really had no idea about what might or might not be going on with other people. Honestly, most people who know us would describe us as the perfect couple. Two successful, attractive people who seem to get on well and do fun things together. Yet one or both of us were unhappy for years. When we shared what we were going through with some of our friends, we were surprised at how many people had similar stories. Some showed us that what we wanted (recon) was possible, and some demonstrated the paths to NOT take. Reminds me of that quote - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." Yeah, everyone has problems. You acknowledged your husbands opinions but then lumped your infidelity right in with all those couples who you might think are perfect but nobody really knows. It would piss me off if my wife did this. All I would hear is "see, my cheating wasn't that bad. We're probably just like everyone else so get over it already". 4
leonine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Yeah, everyone has problems. You acknowledged your husbands opinions but then lumped your infidelity right in with all those couples who you might think are perfect but nobody really knows. It would piss me off if my wife did this. All I would hear is "see, my cheating wasn't that bad. We're probably just like everyone else so get over it already". I've NEVER told him to get over it and I was in no way minimizing what I've done. We were just talking about the fact that you don't know what's going on behind the curtain with anyone unless they choose to let you in. More or less what the OP was talking about. I've seen a number of your posts on here and it sounds like you have a lot of regrets about staying with your WW. That's too bad. Does she know how you feel? I know I'd rather be alone than be with someone who wishes they had left me years ago. 2
dichotomy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 . I have never told my parents about H's affair but it made me laugh quietly to myself. I wonder how many marriages have secrets and how many people are nursing secret hurt? Why didn't you share your pain in the marriage (husbands affair) with your dad or mom? I suspect nearly all marriages have issues. I have rarely seen a long term marriage that seemed perfectly happy to me, or even mostly happy and close.
MissBee Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Today was my eldest sons 'leavers assembly'. He's finished school and there was an event to mark this. My parents came to it with me and afterwards we went out for tea by the river. Dad had been for a school reunion the previous day (he's 83!!) and was telling me about a friend of his he met whose daughter left home, has been divorced twice and has no contact with her parents. Dad said he didn't like to say that his 2 children were still in touch with him, had 5 children between them, and were both happily married. I have never told my parents about H's affair but it made me laugh quietly to myself. I wonder how many marriages have secrets and how many people are nursing secret hurt? Lots I'm sure. In general, we can't know for sure what people are dealing with by observing the outside. Unless one is that kind of couple who argues with each other on FB, so that everyone knows when you're having problems ....otherwise, we may not know. Heck, even those "FB Couples" will sometimes only show the good side for the world to see. There's a difference though between having problems and not being perfect, but the couple works on this without having to broadcast it, so people simply see the "finished result" and assume the relationship is perfect and those putting on a happy face but everything is pretend and in secret they hate each other/are harboring resentments/are perpetually unhappy. I think happily married is a sum total. Are you generally content and feel like you've made a good choice, in spite of problems which will/have arise(n)? Or do you feel like you're living a sham?
busdriver Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Some of my W's family know about my A. Only the very closest ones: her sisters. One of them would not speak to me for weeks. But the others were very understanding. My W says they have all dealt with infidelity in their M's before, even though she won't say how. I don't know if any were WS, or if they were BS. But they eventually absorbed our situation and it's old news now.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Today was my eldest sons 'leavers assembly'. He's finished school and there was an event to mark this. My parents came to it with me and afterwards we went out for tea by the river. Dad had been for a school reunion the previous day (he's 83!!) and was telling me about a friend of his he met whose daughter left home, has been divorced twice and has no contact with her parents. Dad said he didn't like to say that his 2 children were still in touch with him, had 5 children between them, and were both happily married. I have never told my parents about H's affair but it made me laugh quietly to myself. I wonder how many marriages have secrets and how many people are nursing secret hurt? In the midst of all my crazy stuff my father told me that every successful marriage has a giant scar somewhere. But...he was the cheater in my parent's relationship...so there's a big grain of salt for you to take.
jnel921 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I did not disclose my H affair with anyone either. We were at a family BBQ this weekend and my cousin whose party it was was talking to us. She turned to me and say "You picked a good one". At that point I felt a little pressure on my heart and a little bit of a sickening feeling in my stomach. I just smiled. Of course she turns to my H and says how he pick a great woman too. He turns to me gives me a hug and a kiss and says "She is the best. I will never let her go." It was a mix of emotions for me. If my family knew the truth maybe he wouldn't have been invited, perhaps at that point we'd be divorcd. Never the less Its not their business to tell. It's mine. From my H response I can feel we are headed down the right path from mine...still working on my feelings. 1
Breathless Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 My A is known to everyone within my personal life. On DDay, my BH told everyone of the terrible thing I did (I can't blame him). We decided to R after 5 months of separation. In order to R, I had to apologize to his family and his friends in person. It took all the strength I had to walk the through the door and look these people in the eye. But before I walked through the door, I was sitting the curb throwing up from fear, nervousness and shame every single time. And as expected, I was met with anger, disgust and borderline hatred. Tomorrow is the 2 year DDay Anniversary. Life seems to have moved forward, they have accepted me back into their lives - not as family as we once were but as my BH's wife nothing more. Since xMM and I went NC the day after DDay, I am not too sure what happen to his world. But from what he told me on DDay, he said that his BW didn't want to break up the family and she specifically told him not to tell anyone what is going on. For my BH, I know that there was no way for him to heal without the love, protection and care that his friends and family gave him during our separation. I will be forever grateful to them for giving my BH the love he needed. 1
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 After DDay, I was amazed at the friends and family who confided their own scars to me. many had been touched by infidelity or at the very least, a questionably inappropriate relationship with someone outside the marriage. It takes time to realize, or come full circle, to realize we WERE/ARE happily married, despite many hardships and his affair. His affair was based on his issues, not me. take it as the compliment it was meant to be WW, because it is. certainly your Dad is proud of the way you appear in front of him and they way you both appear to others. people who DO relationships well never expect it to be a bed of roses, and they have many long-term relationships with friends and family that are HEALTHY. Like the young woman in your OP that Dad was referring to: She's a train wreck with NO close relationships, and marriage after marriage to boot! That's more a reflection on her since it cannot be the fault of EVERYONE around her.
kamani Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I wonder how many marriages have secrets and how many people are nursing secret hurt? OK, you want to listen to a similar story, so here is one. All in my family, specially my mother love and respect my husband more than me. My mother is thoroughly against homosexuality and considers it disgusting. She is so happy about the spouses of her 2 children and says that she is a very free and happy mother as well as a grand mother. My friends envy me for having a great husband. After 8 years of marriage my husband confessed me about how he cheated on me with men. (casual sex, no love). We kept it to two of us and no one else knew how our marriage shaked. Pain, anti-depressants, counseling and everything is yet a secret. I believe we successfully reconciled and he knows that he got the first and last chance. If my family and knew the reality, this might never happen. They would persuade me for a divorce and he will be thrown out, and our son would be taken away from him. So this is life. 1
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