How do I handle this?

[Man-guy]

Ok, so here's my sob story... dated 7 years, married 2. She's 25, I'm 27. Met in high school, been together up until about 1.5 months ago. Back then she had serious health issues which I helped her through. Eventually we both went to college, I got through and went to a masters out of state where we were long distance for a year, came back for another, then we decided to get married.

 

This is where the fun starts... So we lived in my parents future retirement home, which is beautiful, but in the middle of nowhere, b/c it was between both of our schools as we continue to be professional students now (dental for me, psych masters for her). I needed to drive about 1-1.5 hours one way every day to get to class by 8, so up at 5 and leaving at 6 every day. She had about a 30 minute drive to hers. 1st year was all good, difficult, especially since we've never lived together, but we survived.

 

Honestly, I've never been one for housework, and slacked a bit in the romantic department due to exhaustion, but things were progressing nicely. Now things have completely fallen apart. 3 months before she moved out, she told me she had a video chat with a friend which was inappropriate. I was floored, but after about a week, I totally came around. I could tell she was still having issues, and she kept contact with other male friends which I was uncomfortable with, and eventually I let her know.

 

She stopped it, but told me that she had built up resentment about how things were working between us. She wanted to be pursued & chased romantically. At this time, I was literally sleeping 4 hours a night for months, except on weekends when it was about 6. The last month she told me she still had doubts, and I tried everything I possibly could to show her I could handle things. Took over chores, getting food, flowers, you name it. Several health issues in her family kept her on edge and she was clearly depressed (LOTS of sleep and very noticeable weight loss). After her classes were over for break, her mom got sent to the ER for a night and she went over... When she came back it was to pick up her stuff and tell me she wanted a divorce...

 

Fast forward to now, where she's moved out to her schools town, and I'm probably gonna move to mine. She has kept strict NC except for a one hour meeting after a month of limited contact. It went relatively well, but she didn't seem like herself AT ALL... she's a lively and emotional person, but she just looked totally drained and on edge... I told her I still care, but that I respected her decision. She wants to keep chatter w/ our friends to a minimum about this to not be vilianized (she has spoken to VERY few people about all of this). She told me she intends to file relatively soon.

 

She's blocked her feed on facebook, and I did the same to her. The last contact was to drop off her check and wedding rings at her parents place, who I haven't kept in touch with. I am trying to move on, but see this as a case where she was just overwhelmed by everything that's happened to her over the last several months.

 

I've started strict NC and want to see if I want to file this week myself to speed things along. I guess what I want to know is, what are the chances of her getting to be her normal self again so I can talk to a more rational person again about all of this? I know it's not up to me to take care of her anymore, but I know if we both tried and she made noticeable progress on herself, we could work through this. Thoughts?

[hayewils]

Im not one for giving much advice but, my wife left three months ago.

The only contact we have had was, one week after she left she came back to the house to get mail.. That was the last time I saw her face.

Last contact was about a month after she left when she sent me an email telling me to leave her and her friend, (girl), alone and that she would be filing for divorce but that she wanted to take care of community property, as I called it, prior to filing..

 

All I know from my experience is, there isn't much you can do when they decide to go. Everyone on here will tell you, go no contact.

I have finally come to the point that I can leave my stbx alone.

Contacting them does nothing but push them farther from you.

 

Need to also need to work the 180's. I don't know where the link is but someone one here and get it for you..

 

Good luck and sorry to hear about your situation. Were all here for ya..

[hayewils]

Here ya go.

 

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's "D[COLOR=#990000]ivorce Busting[/COLOR]" 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

 

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

 

8. Do not buy gifts.

 

9. Do not schedule dates together.

 

10. Do not spy on spouse.

 

11. Do not say "I Love You".

 

12. Act as if you are [COLOR=#990000]moving on[/COLOR] with your life.

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

 

21. Never lose your cool.

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

 

28. Be strong and confident.

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

 

34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

 

 

2 things to think about if you do this:

 

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be genuine when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do.

 

Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, [COLOR=#990000]clothing[/COLOR] and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion.

 

That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

 

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change.

 

However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

[Man-guy]

Well, it's been 3 months at this point, and this site has helped me tons, so I figured the least I can do is post an update in case someone ends up in a similar situation. So I FINALLY feel like I've made epic progress on myself, gotten some serious focus back on classes and I'm actually moving out to a classmates place today. Spending tons of time with friends and family, which helps a lot. Done total 180, she's just been contacting me about practical things, getting stuff, mail, etc. I'm over that nonsense, trying to ignore all contact as best I can. I'm getting frustrated over the fact that she hasn't filed yet, seriously looking into taking care of that myself... Odd behavior still from her end as far as I can tell, not talking to our mutual best friends at all, just co-workers, maybe some people online, and some friends that explicitly told me they don't want to hear from me at all o.O Seems weird to me, thought we were all adults here, but w/e. I do feel bad for her best friend, I've actually been talking to her and she's helped me out w/ just chatting, but basically nothing from the stbxw. I can tell she's really hurt her, poor girl stuck her neck out a bit for our relationship and ended up getting cut off... Most of my friends believe it's either a personality disorder, some mental illness, depression or the dreaded GIGS. Still hard NOT to think about all this, but at least it isn't as disabling as it was. She has intentionally avoided events with friends where she knew I would be at, which is fine... I'm just curious to find out what the hell happened to her, still have NO clue whatsoever. Went from awesome marriage to this in 3-6 months with no real explicit reason, but luckily everyone I've asked for their honest opinion on has said I did my best for the marriage, so no real feelings of guilt like she had left me with. Making progress, I know deep down that eventually she will talk to people I will find out, but curiosity is kind of a pain at this point :/

[2.50 a gallon]

Lots of red flags.

 

Answer to your question

 

There is another guy, if not several.

[Man-guy]

At this point, wouldn't be surprised, especially if it's GIGS. Thinking back, she's always been a bit immature, so her not handling life events well is actually expected. Blaming me on the other hand was not. I don't think there was another guy, but I'm sure she had people in mind. I'm now just waiting for her to file, or if I meet someone I'm interested in, I'll file then. I'm in no rush to get into another long term situation, but it will happen eventually. I'm hoping whenever we do run into each other, she can stop the immature behavior, tell me when she will file, and hopefully we can be friends. She wasn't that bad, but has always been a little crazy, which attracted me to her in the first place. Double edged sword. I hope she can reach that point, but I really doubt it will happen soon enough to bother with trying to salvage this, which is unlikely as it is now. Just being patient with 180 until contact starts again. Still think about her every day, but just trying to get perspective on this all, way less intense that the first month or two.

[Mr. Lucky]

Making progress, I know deep down that eventually she will talk to people I will find out, but curiosity is kind of a pain at this point :/

You will have to accept that there's no rational explanation to come for what she's done. Sh*t happens and, unfortunately my friend, it's happened to you. Keep working towards your goals, one of which should be to put her firmly in your rear view mirror. You'll really have made progress when you someday hear her self-serving rationalization and simply don't care...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oberfeldwebel]

To answer your original question, I don't think that any problem is insurmountable IF both parties are committed to fixing the problem. Unfortunately that is not the case in your situation. I know that you don't want to accept the existence of another person, but it makes the most sense to me. If it had been mental illness, there should have been signs that you would have picked up on before now. I get the impression that she may lack self esteem. The separation that occurred while each was busy training, plus the lack of support at home exacerbated her naturally needy nature (enter other man). She tells him of all her problems, which gives him all the assistance he needs to come in and be her rescuer. He may be a professor, which would account for her not being seen out and about with him on a regular basis. She wants you to keep it on the down-low, so she does not get outed to friends and family.

 

All of this is unfortunate, but does not mean that you have to sit idly by until she decides what to do with you. First if you believe the relationship to be over, then consult with an attorney and submit the necessary paperwork. This should be relatively painless, due to an absence of children or property. Additionally, she should be all to willing sign if you paying for the matter. I would guess that she has not filed yet because her Plan A guy has not made a commitment to the relationship. If he is a professor and or married this would account for that situation as well.

 

You are a young man that has a bright future, don't let this drag you down. The fact is you probably should not have married before finishing your education as it puts a strain on a new marriage, but that is water under the bridge. Deal with the situation at hand, finish your education and then look to hitch your wagon to a star, not an anchor. There will be a plethora of deserving young ladies that will gladly share your life, but you need to learn from this situation, so you don't repeat the mistakes that you have made in the marriage.

 

Before you consider marriage you need to look to do premarital counseling. Also understand that your profession is one that will take you away from your family, with the hours at work. I warn you that you need to make sure that dentistry is your profession and not your life. I have seen many men and women in the military that let the job consume them and the family got what was left over of their time. Unfortunately, a high percentage of these ended in divorce. Don't let this happen to you. Best Wishes.

[Man-guy]

Yeah Oberfeldwebel, you hit the nail on the head with her self-esteem (always been a bit low), not to mention the various health issues she has which cloud her judgement... As to the mental illness, I know the last 3 months we were together she did enter into a depression, but it wasn't diagnosed (serious weight loss, loss of appetite, bizarre change in sleeping schedule etc. are enough for me to tell...). Messaged her about meeting up and straightening out our loose ends (the papers, some belonging etc...) and trying to see if friendship is a possibility... When we were messaging though, I could tell that she isn't exactly herself, still, sounding a lot like when we last met up (saying some bizarre things, oddly phrasing things that seem abnormal, some odd kind of tension I could FEEL from her messages)... This is why I suspect there isn't another serious relationship in the background, she seems kind of... broken, mentally or emotionally. That is NOT the woman I married, believe me, more like a husk of who she was. I doubt someone would actually try to be with her right now except in a one night kind of situation, which I'm assuming has already happened (I doubt a guy would be willing to be there in any kind of serious way for her or start to date her if she's anything like she is around me, kind of jumpy, panicky, etc.)... I just want to sort things out, and honestly, hope that she starts to communicate with the majority of her old friends after we have this contact established and she's getting out of the marriage like she wants... No clue what's going on with her or what she's dealing with, tempted to ask her if she's continuing therapy... I seriously doubt that this divorce is the only thing on her mind from her attitude and bizarre behavior, just can't pin it down. Oh well, gotta do what you gotta do, even when it sucks right?