sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 I want to know if any of you have been in a situation where the W found out about you. If so, what happened. Did she leave her husband?? Did you confront you?? Did the MM deny the relationship?? Did they divorce??
Papillon Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 a) Imagine a humungous dog turd. Nice and wet. b) Imagine an industrial-sized fan, spinning at high speed. c) Image (a) meeting (b) Here's what happens - the guy blames you, wife hates you both, she ends up leaving him, he resents you, eveybody is alone. Get out of that sh*t while you can. Or it will be distributed equally.
Author sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 I'm at the point where I don't care what she does. I just want her to find out because I just want the situation to end one way or another. They have been together for 20 years and she basically has cheated on him the entire time. He found out about 3 months before we got involved. He can't seem to leave her. We have been together for a little over a year now. It turns out thay she gave him an STD which he inturn gave to me. I have since treated myself and have refused to be intimate with him. Needless to say, he is STILL with her. How insane is that??? He says he can't afford to leave right now and has to take care of his business. Then he says it's because he doesn't want to hurt their families because they have been together so long. They have no children. They live in an apartment and have no financial ties. I even loaned him money to help him pay their bills down. I think I've just finally lost my faith and trust in him and maybe this is just a revenge thing for me right now. I'm just not sure. I see her all the time and she thinks she is just ALL that and that he is lucky to be with her, when infact, there is no way she could every get another man like him. I guess I'm just ready for things to end and I'm ready to let him go, but it's so hard because we are close friends and we do work together. I guess I just need a few doses of reality and need people to tell me how stupid I've been and to tell me to run like HELL!!
Papillon Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 It's not insane at all - he's got nice exciting nooky on the side (well, had), and a safe, comfortable, familiar marriage on the other. He's got the best of both worlds. Why the hell do you think he'll leave her? If you try and destroy the marriage, it's going to destroy EVERYTHING. Take your dignity, while you still have some of it left, and leave him. Leave the whole stinking situation, and find a single guy who is prepared to spend all his time and energy on you. Why cheat yourself?
SoleMate Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 I guess I just need a few doses of reality and need people to tell me how stupid I've been and to tell me to run like HELL!! Sure! My specialty. REALITY DOSE 1: MM in this situation hardly EVER leave their wives. MM have a very high tolerance for being in a cr*ppy marriage, and very low tolerance for paying support to ex-wives. REALITY DOSE 2: Any negative thing the MM says about his W or their marriage should be taken with a grain of salt. REALITY DOSE 3: You can do WAY better than a MM. REALITY DOSE 4: Just read LS to see how these situations usually play out. I would not call you stupid, but you have exercised poor judgment. Get out, now, while you are still sane. This kind of situation is crazy making.
Author sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Well, I am working on that!! I'm VERY outgoing and attractive and I do go out, I just haven't really met anyone I'm interested in yet. Well, I did meet someone this past weekend and I'm going to go out with him and I'm excited about it, but I just feel weird about it. Some things that keep me in the situation are the fact that he works about 20 feet away from me and I loaned him a great sum of money. I know that he was deeply hurt by what his wife did to him and he intended on leaving the marriage, and told me that he was going to but now he comes up with every excuse as to why he has not yet. I love this man so much and we share a deep connection, but I'm not one to put my life on hold for anyone. I just feel like he deserves a better life and that once he got out of his situation he'd realize how much time he wasted. I just don't want to leave him yet. But, again, my faith and trust in him has diminished. Why can't he just tell her he knows what she has done and leave??
Author sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Soul mate...thanks for the reply See the thing is I know this girl and a lot of the things I know about her are not what he has told me. I hear it when I get my nails done, people at work tell me things that she has done to him, and she herself has told me things she has done to him. She has made a fool of him. I honestly believe that this man is my soul-mate and I would do anything for him, even walk away for as long as it took and I know I should just walk away, but I'm so in love with him that it is hard to focus on anything else, but since the sex has stopped, it's a little easier, but everything in my gut tells me that we will be together sooner or later. It just makes it harder to walk away. But what about the money?? Do I just forget about it?? He will not have to pay her anything, she actually makes more than he does and she has no idea about us, she thinks he would NEVER cheat on her. She basically thinks she is superior to him!!! If you can believe that!!! She actually takes money from the men she sleeps with, or has done so in the past. I know of nothing that she is doing at the moment.
Papillon Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Send yourself my way, sgirl. I'm single and pretty ok. And I'm just one of a multitude. You don't have to f*ck the guy to get your cash back. Get a lawer (Well, come to think of it, you're gonna get screwed either way )
Author sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Pap...I may just take you up on that....LOL!! I guess really what is going on is I'm tired of the situation!! I'm a little put out with him right now and the little devil in me is wanting her to find out. I don't know if I even care what the outcome will be. She is a self-centered narcissistic slu*....I'm just sick about how much time I've put into the relationship. I guess that is another thing that is keeping me here. Plus he can't pay me back....it was A LOT of money...
Author sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Papi....what's wrong with him??? Why would he stay?? How could he take money from me and not at least try to pay me back?? He promised he would and he promised to make things right between us eventually. They did have a great deal of debt, but he should have taken care of a lot of it with what I gave him.
SoleMate Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 His wife actually takes money from the men she sleeps with And HE takes money from the WOMEN he sleeps with (i.e. the "large loan"). They sound like a great pair, can't imagine why they are breaking up.
Papillon Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 You really want to get saddled with this loser's financial problems, too? Go see judge Judy.
Author sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Soul mate He says he needed the money to pay off their bills basically so he could leave because he felt responsible for her and wanted to take care of all the bills they acquired in the marriage before he left. He is a very noble guy and I know it doesn't seem that way. If I didn't know better I would think I was played for a fool, but I've known him and his wife for over 8 years. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to leave this situation. Papi, See, I have a decent amount of savings and I could completely wife his debt away with about 10% of my savings. So his financial problems would not be an issue if we did end up together. Part of me is just not ready to give up on him yet...how do I get past that and leave him alone?? We have very little contact outside of work and lunch...so really it shouldn't be too hard, but we do spend a lot of time talking during the day and spending time together. We do the same job and have to work with each other on certain issues. I'm just so blindsided when I'm with him.
stormywind Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 I see people telling the OW to find a nice single guy. Could someone please tell me where they're at????? The ones I have met have turned out to be (take your pick): obsessive compulsive, alcholic, a financial mess, looking for a mommy, do not take care of themselves, are apathetic/passive, unambitious, arrogant, don't know how to initiate, etc.......
Fran_H Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Originally posted by stormywind I see people telling the OW to find a nice single guy. Could someone please tell me where they're at????? The ones I have met have turned out to be (take your pick): obsessive compulsive, alcholic, a financial mess, looking for a mommy, do not take care of themselves, are apathetic/passive, unambitious, arrogant, don't know how to initiate, etc....... Stormy wind Tell me about it! The last date I went on was a few weeks ago now, with a lovely hunky fireman. About 1 hour into the date he stopped me mid sentence and said 'Can I ask you a personal question?' I said 'Sure, fire away' He said 'Do you like really dirty sex?' Now I am not a prude or anything, but is it normal for guys to ask this stuff on a first date? It makes me want to give up on dating altogether. By the way, I do have a plan, which you may be interested in if you are looking for a single guy. Find out where they are holding a speed dating evening in your area. You can do this on the internet. Don't pay the speed dating company £20, just turn up at the venue with a few friends (it is usually in a bar/restaurant). You can then check out the single guys at leisure and if someone tickles your fancy make sure you meet him at the bar and ask him how its going. Then tell him if he does not meet the girl of his dreams tonight, give me a call. And give him your number and get the hell out of there before the woman from the speed dating company calls the police. I mean you could just pay the £20 and do the speed dating , but it looks a bit stressful!
SoleMate Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 He says he needed [sgirl728's] money to pay off their bills basically so he could leave because he felt responsible for [his wife] and wanted to take care of all the bills they acquired in the marriage before he left. He is a very noble guy and I know it doesn't seem that way. If I didn't know better I would think I was played for a fool, but I've known him and his wife for over 8 years. So noble...to borrow from you to pay off his and her bills. Yes, I am sorry to say you are being played for a fool. The fact that you have known him 8 years does not change this. Please see a lawyer about the loan, and gather up all the documentation of it you can find. (You did have him sign a note...please say yes...??) And then let the lawyer handle the communications. You know, if EVERY SINGLE person to whom you describe this situation tells you that you are getting royally reamed, they might just be right.
2Confuzed Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 I don't mean to sound harsh or unsensitive, but he is totally using you. He may being doing this just out of spite to her. Hell, he may have done this several times before with other women. Sounds like they are a great pair, they deserve eachother. Don't degrade yourself by trying to tell her. It will never work the way you think it will. Like someone said earlier, he will blame you and then you won't even be a good memory to him. Take your dignity and get the hell out of there. As for the money, take it as a lesson learned, you will never see it again.
izzybelle Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 sgirl, please be careful and take care of yourself. the MMs W finding out is not always a good thing. mine did. up until that point, she was leaving him, he was done trying, their marriage was crap, etc., etc. all the sh** we've all heard before and my relationship with him was incredible. we were talking about a future together after she left this past summer like she said she was going to. she found out, i got several nasty emails from her and a nasty phone call and now they're supposed to be working on their marriage. somehow, somewhere in between the marriage sucks, him being in love with me, and her finding out, my exMM magically discovered that his marriage might not be so bad after all. part of it could be the lies that i'm sure he told me and i know she's also threatened him with all sorts of things i.e. destroying his relationship with his kids, destroying him financially and more. i also suspect that since she appears to be a control freak she got really p'd off when he actually made a move to make himself happy. and now she's making him pay. i suspect she really has no intention of fixing the marriage and that she's just punishing him by making him give me up. but you know what? if he's not in love with me enough to stick with it then i'm better off without him. doesn't feel that way right now but.... so... she knows and whether she's got him by the ba**s or whether he really does still love her (of course he told me numerous times that he didn't) i got dumped so fast my head is still spinning. i'd love to talk to her, calmly, since there's a part of me that would love to know what he's said about his relationship with me..... but don't know that that will ever happen. the money thing in your situation is concerning and i hate to say as some others have, it really sounds like he's using the situation to his benefit. whatever you decide to do, just protect yourself.
Charlane Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 WTF STUPID? Another female that doesn't get it. You would totally deserve to get hurt if you do.
izzybelle Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 charlane.... have to ask.... what's made you feel so much anger?
Naive Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Originally posted by sgirl728 I want to know if any of you have been in a situation where the W found out about you. If so, what happened. Did she leave her husband?? Did you confront you?? Did the MM deny the relationship?? Did they divorce?? Oh I was definitely in this position and I felt real bad, if you are interested you can read my thread. It's not the hapiness you imagine once he leaves her. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?5=&threadid=42377
Charlane Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 I've been on both sides of the coin and the pivotal point is.....HIM. He is taking advantage of a situation because he can. This isn't just relegated to his gender. Anyone can be the prince or princess if someone LET'S THEM. I can't believe the break in reality that I am reading here with wimpy words. I was made the other woman without my permission or knowledge and when I did find out I got out FAST. I only wish I would have beaten the living sh*t out of him before I did. You know, it's about time women put on a little weight on thin bodies and get a little bit more intimidating. Just imagine if ALL OF US WERE THIS STRONG because right now all I'm seeing are puddles.....EVERYWHERE. It's making me ill.
izzybelle Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 i've been on both sides too. and yes, people can be taken advantage of and yes, if we were all stronger things like this may not happen, or maybe they still would. i think we all may be very clear on the reality of the situation but in many cases we may not want to accept that reality without trying to see all the sides. and reality to one person is not necessarily the same reality another may see. i was angry with my MM too. but never, ever felt the urge to beat the sh*t out of him. as for the wimpy words... everyone has their own style of communicating and as i think i said to you before, here or elsewhere, there are many different ways to say things. saying things with kindness, even when delivering a tough message, is usually received better than saying things to be hurtful. i'm sorry that you went through what you did and it sounds like you've learned from your experience and that it's made you a stronger person. some of us are trying to get there too, but we don't all heal at the same rate or experience things in the same way.
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