schmo8799 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I just found out about my wife's infidelity. It is taking all the restraint I have not to contact the OM wife. I have her work email address and their home address. I know he is watching the mail at home so chances are she will never see the proof if I mail it to her. This scumbag (with the help of my wife) ruined my life and he is coming away unscathed. I don't want to regret sending it but I want this guy to feel some pain. Any advice is appreciated- I am losing my mind. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 In the interest of fairness (not revenge), yes. She has a right to know. Though of course, you could tell your wife what you plan to do, in which she'll likely tell him, and he'll start losing his mind. In fact, it might force him to come clean to his wife, which I think would be better for her mental well-being, than to hear it from someone else. But, do what you believe is best. 4
Pierre Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I just found out about my wife's infidelity. It is taking all the restraint I have not to contact the OM wife. I have her work email address and their home address. I know he is watching the mail at home so chances are she will never see the proof if I mail it to her. This scumbag (with the help of my wife) ruined my life and he is coming away unscathed. I don't want to regret sending it but I want this guy to feel some pain. Any advice is appreciated- I am losing my mind. Your wife will go insane if you tell. After d-day the only thing she has left is to preserve the secrecy of then affair to be on good terms with the OM. It is your call: 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 In the interest of fairness (not revenge), yes. She has a right to know. Though of course, you could tell your wife what you plan to do, in which she'll likely tell him, and he'll start losing his mind. In fact, it might force him to come clean to his wife, which I think would be better for her mental well-being, than to hear it from someone else. But, do what you believe is best. They never come clean! Alerting him simply gives him a chance to do damage control. Tell your wife that you will not tell, then email his wife for her number and ask her to meet. Give her all of the details face to face and with kindness. That way, you are believable and this guy doesn't get to gaslight and trickle truth her to death. She deserves to know, THAT is the reason you tell. Do it like a man, face to face. 10
Furious Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I just found out about my wife's infidelity. It is taking all the restraint I have not to contact the OM wife. I have her work email address and their home address. I know he is watching the mail at home so chances are she will never see the proof if I mail it to her. This scumbag (with the help of my wife) ruined my life and he is coming away unscathed. I don't want to regret sending it but I want this guy to feel some pain. Any advice is appreciated- I am losing my mind. I contacted the OW's husband a few weeks after I discovered the affair. I agonized over that decision. As gently and as respectfully as I could be, I informed him and supplied him with the solid proof I had gathered. Also I didn't give my husband, who I had sent packing, any warning or heads up as to my contacting the OW's husband. Most cheaters who are anticipating being exposed will come up with a synchronized story that is just more lies and a minimizing of the truth. My advice would be to take a deep breath, do not contact the OM's wife rashly and filled with anger. Plan what you will say and do it as calmly and respectfully as possible. 7
Artie Lang Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) i say you expose NOW! do not tell your wife of your intentions. gather your evidence in a nice neat little pile and send it to her certified mail where only she could sign for it. Or, you can give it to her personally at her place of work. give it to her and tell her to call you if she has any questions regarding the matter in question. DO IT NOW! stop being a SHMO! Edited June 26, 2013 by Artie Lang 4
HopingAgain Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree, do not warn your wife beforehand. Just email OMs wife with all the info you've gathered and include your number in case she wants to ask questions. 2
ver13 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I don't understand why you wouldn't tell her she is as much involved in this as you are. I know that you need to do it face to face that's for sure because any questions that she has about what your telling her is better answered in person. As for your W she lost her I need to know card right after you found out. Just as her A was none of your business your contact with OM's wife is none of her's.
janedoe67 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I believe the OM's wife needs to know. After all both you and her have been deceived, not to mention possibly exposed to STD's, etc. 3
Jonah Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Give it all to his W. Every word of everything you have. Things that you might not think are important - she will. 3
aliveagain Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Expose, expose, expose, if you don't tell the other betrayed spouse you will by withholding the information become their accomplice. Quite often after discovery they will take the affair underground, telling his wife will give you another set of eyes. Just Read in Other Man/Other Woman thread, there is a woman that is doing exactly that to her husband right now. The Other Betrayed Spouse may have information that your wife hasn't confessed yet, cheaters will usually only confess to what you already know. The home wrecker will throw your wife under the bus just to save himself from losing his family, he will put the blame entirely on your wife. The other betrayed spouse deserves to know the kind of man she is really married to, it should be her decision to stay in the marriage, she shouldn't stay in it because she doesn't know about her husbands infidelity. Your wife and her husband took your choices about fidelity away from you, don't do the same to her. She may be at risk of an STD, she needs to be tested just as much as you do. Do not have sex with your wife until you are both test for all STD's, be honest with your doctor so he knows what to test for. The shame your wife will feel getting tested will help deter any future infidelity. The reality of being tested is a real eye opener, you can infect your whole family because of stupid selfish behavior. Tell his wife please, that's how I found out. Edited June 27, 2013 by aliveagain spelling 4
BetrayedH Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I will be yet another to pile on here. The OM's wife deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. It's that simple. Don't leave her living a lie. But the email idea is a poor one. Your WW and OM have probably already synchronized their stories in case you tell. Rest assured that you'll be painted as a crazy stalker (oh, and you're abusive, too). The OM will convince his wife to stay away from you. I contacted the OM's wife by phone right before the end of her workday. I asked her to meet with me. She was a bit freaked, of course. I wanted to expose to her in person but ultimately had to tell her over the phone that her husband had been having an affair with my wife. She lamented that she had two small kids; I told her that I did, too. I asked her to meet up with me and suggested a public place (a Taco Bell, of all places). Most importantly, I brought an entire folder of evidence with me so that her husband couldn't lie, deny, or gaslight her. We talked and commiserated for a good hour or so. She was devastated, of course. And angry. She didn't express much gratitude at the time but called me a few days later to thank me. Don't leave her with a knife in her back. You may be the only opportunity she really has to get the truth. 5
Author schmo8799 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Well I sent the OM wife the proof. I thought it would make me feel better but instead I feel sick. I am hoping I made the right decision. 2
anne1707 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It's bound to make you feel sick. After all, you know and understand the pain she will feel. But she has the right to know and make fully informed decisions about the future of her marriage just as you are able to make those decisions. 2
ComingInHot Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 schmo, the Truth is always the right way to go. I don't know where you are at w/R or D w/your W. I haven't read your story if you've posted it* We learn from the time we can move on our own that our actions have consequenses, both good and bad. Your W KNOWS this. So does MM. I'm still trying to wrap my head around WHY people in A's are surprised and angry when it comes time to face the (most times) painful & humiliating consequenses of Their actions from Cheating... I believe you did the Right thing. 3
BetrayedH Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Well I sent the OM wife the proof. I thought it would make me feel better but instead I feel sick. I am hoping I made the right decision. When you look back on this later, the last thing you will question is whether or not you should have told her. And no, it doesn't feel good. Nothing about any of this really ever does unless you're one of the few that truly reconciles. How did you send it (email)? Was it anonymous? Did you make it clear she could contact you with questions? 1
Artie Lang Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 it's only natural to feel this way. that was the hard part- EXPOSING. this isn't over yet. 1
sayyes19 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 schmo, the Truth is always the right way to go. I don't know where you are at w/R or D w/your W. I haven't read your story if you've posted it* We learn from the time we can move on our own that our actions have consequenses, both good and bad. Your W KNOWS this. So does MM. I'm still trying to wrap my head around WHY people in A's are surprised and angry when it comes time to face the (most times) painful & humiliating consequenses of Their actions from Cheating... I believe you did the Right thing. Putting everything on the table is the only way to recover from deception. It might prove to be a bad decision for reconciliation, but living with not being forthright with someone that would've wanted to know would've worn on you.
NotCamelot Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 DO IT! ------ But don't tell your W or the OM, just tell his W and by voice. That way she can ask questions and you can answer. She will probably not want to believe you at first. But calmly present as many details as you need to get the point across. I did it and it was the best move I made. I had hard proof at 8:05AM. I found out where he worked and call OM at 8:15AM....told him to stay away from my W or there would be consequences. 8:25AM I called my W at work and told her I had just spoke to OM.......she was blindsided because she didn't know I knew anything. 8:45AM I found OMs W and left her voicemail saying I had some urgent information regarding her husband. About an hour later she called me; frantic that he was in some kind of accident. Then I unloaded. She spoke with me and asked if she could call me back in a little bit. When she did, by then she knew who my W was, and knew it was true. She called me a couple more times that day giving me information that she was getting as she was blasting him. He world came crashing down that day. He never thought it would happen. Now, I did indeed get incredible satisfaction from that. His W was hurt, but she really did deserve to know. And I know from things he said to my W that he never intended for his W to know. He made statements to my W: "I feel guilty but I don't want to bring shame on my family." His external reputation was the most important thing to him. And I destroyed it....that day, and in other ways as well. Later, I told his family, his W's family, and his church. I did this becuase his was one the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, Sunday morning church people that had everyone thinking how great he was. When I told them and proved it, he was completely destroyed. Now, that was revenge, and it felt good. And, best of all, the kind that could not get me into any legal trouble. Now, it will NOT end your pain, but it definitely will be a huge stepping stone to recovery. It was for me. Do it and .........Good luck.
Madman81 Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 Well I sent the OM wife the proof. I thought it would make me feel better but instead I feel sick. I am hoping I made the right decision. This is understandable; I'm willing to bet that the feeling of sickness is actually one of dread over the yet-unrealized consequences of your exposure. Your wife is going to do everything in her power to convince you that you did the wrong thing. Just remember that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Firstly, the OM's wife had a right to know, so that she can get tested for STDs and make choices about her life. What she does with the info isn't your concern; your job is now over with respect to her. Secondly, you acted IN DEFENSE OF YOUR MARRIAGE. I'm guessing that the affair, and your discovery of it, are quite new. That means that you have no idea where your wife's head is right now. There's a reasonable chance she's still pining for the OM. One of the reasons for exposing the affair in this situation is that you want the OM's wife working at her end on keeping her husband's feet to the fire. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and by you and the OMW both knowing about it, it makes it harder for it to continue. You did the right thing. Don't let anybody convince you otherwise. 2
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