EJ787 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 So I spent my 20′s with the same person, that didn’t work out and now I”m on the cusp of 30 learning how to date. I met a guy for a first date two weeks ago, the first two weeks went great. we saw each other a lot! every other day or so, sometimes back to back days.We talked every day. we haven’t slept together, but we do have chemistry. I did spend a few nights at his house, but always at his invitation. This weekend, a few nights in a row, I sort of pushed to try to see him. Texted too many times, called too many times. It ended with him pushing back, saying I needed to chill out a little. So I said, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m new at this dating thing, I do relationship really well, but dating is new to me. In relationship you just call someone when you want to talk to them, in casual dating the rules are different. I’m sorry I came on too strong, sorry you’re my casual dating guinea pig. The ball is in your court.” This was late Saturday night (we last saw each other Thursday night when I spent the night….still no sex –my choice) we didn’t talk Sunday he texted yesterday, “hello gorgeous how was the rest of your weekend?” we exchanged a few brief messages about our plans, I went hiking he went to see some friends play at a bar. He asked what I was doing, and I told him, then asked him what he was doing and told him how great the venue he was going to was, he hadn’t been. I thought he might invite me but he didn’t. Nothing yesterday. So it’s now almost a week since we’ve seen each other. I feel like this might be tapering off, and I also feel like I’m playing games. I don’t want to smother him, but I don’t want to back off to the point where I’m not honoring me. I’m not a game player, if I like you I want to get together and get to know you. So, I’m torn between reaching out again, and just letting it slide. Oh and one more thing, I have some of his pj’s because I slept in them Thursday night… I’d like to get them back to him, but not sure of the protocol. I don’t want them to be an excuse for me to see/talk to him. But I also don’t want to keep his stuff, any longer than appropriate.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 He is backing off and the worst thing you can do is chase him. It looks like you are looking for an insta-relationship and he is just looking to date/have sex. In any case, just leave him be. If he is interested, he will contact you. His interest level seems low though so I would look at other options. 2
KatZee Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 It's early so he needs to set the pace here. Do not contact him. He's pulling back because you met and then you started acting as if you guys were in a relationship. You're not. Let him do his thing, you do your thing. Let him pursue you. Let him be the aggressor and the one doing the chasing. 2
BluEyeL Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Your best chance to increasing his interest level after you came too strong is to go no contact until he reaches out. That will mean he's ready. You contacting him before he's ready will push him further away. If he doesn't come to you, he is not meant to be. Forget the PJ's!!! 1
Phantom888 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) I seriously hate this whole "casual dating rule". I mean, how are people supposed to know this if they spent most of their adult life with the same person? When I got out of my 12-years marriage, I dated a woman who just got out of a 15-year marriage. I was 35, and she was 38. We instantly started our new relationship without "casually" dating anyone else. After we broke up, I started dating again, and realized that women out there are willing to have sex with me without a "relationship". This made no sense to me, and still doesn't. A couple of ladies outright told me that they enjoy f*cking me, but don't really think they want to have a relationship. So I started banging women left and right for the next 6 months, until I got tired of emotionless sex. That's just not me. Felt so empty and lonely. The point of my story is: I totally understand how it feels to date again after a long absence. I feel it's better, at least for me, to find someone with similar experience as I do. If you are the relationship type, don't go for guys who casually date. There are plenty of good men who just like to be in a relationship... To me, casual dating is a big waste of time. Edited June 26, 2013 by Phantom888 typo 1
Leegh Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree with the other folks who said to let him contact/pursue you. If you and he do get back on track, do not have sex with him until you are in a committed relationship, in other words, please wait several months before having sex with him.
Sunshine87 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I understand your dilemma. It's really really hard to adjust to dating when you have spent a number of years in a comfortable relationship. I really don't know how to keep up with the games......the push and pull thing. It becomes a pain because instead of enjoying the relationship and being yourself, you are forced to feign an artificial behaviour.....put up an act. I'm not implying that women should make numerous phone calls or text all the time. No. It's best for the relationship to develop naturally. However, having to watch your p's and q's or better put your dating etiquette of striking the right balance between playing it cool but being interested is difficult. Some people are not really built for casual relationships. I guess I'm one of them. Lol. The other posters have said it all. Wait for him to contact you.
BluEyeL Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Regarding the "games", it's not about the games, but if someone comes so strong early on with nonstop contacting, it's going to wear down the other person, naturally.... So you need to play it cool, not because of some games, but because anticipation, desire, and learning about the other person need to be built gradually. I remember how I made friends who are very very close now after years, non-romantic or same sex friends. We didn't dive in and met nonstop. Initially we met less often, then more and more often, we got more and more comfortable with each other gradually, not right off the bat. It also applies to romantic relationships. 1
KatZee Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Regarding the "games", it's not about the games, but if someone comes so strong early on with nonstop contacting, it's going to wear down the other person, naturally.... So you need to play it cool, not because of some games, but because anticipation, desire, and learning about the other person need to be built gradually. I remember how I made friends who are very very close now after years, non-romantic or same sex friends. We didn't dive in and met nonstop. Initially we met less often, then more and more often, we got more and more comfortable with each other gradually, not right off the bat. It also applies to romantic relationships. ^^^ this. Exactly. It's not about playing "games" because it's not a game. You can't just automatically act as if someone you've just recently met is a boyfriend. He's not. It's about slowly easing into something. Getting to know the person over a period of time. Not just rushing to hang out every single day, calling all the time, texting all the time. This will smother someone right out of the gate. So it's not a game. Just continue living your own life. Do not pursue him at all. Let him set the pace, let him ease into a new relationship. If the female pushes it on a guy she will push him and scare him away if it's super intense. I've been dating someone over a month now. I let him lead in all aspects. I will occasionally reach out to him, but not often at all. Maybe once every other day, and we'll talk. We hang when he asks me out on dates. It's developing naturally and organically and if doesn't make him feel pressured, or like he needs to fulfill some void in my life. Basically in early dating, just mirror his behavior. If he goes hours, or days without responding to you, then YOU can spend hours or days not getting back to him. 1
pcplod Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) So I spent my 20′s with the same person, that didn’t work out and now I”m on the cusp of 30 learning how to date. I met a guy for a first date two weeks ago, the first two weeks went great. we saw each other a lot! every other day or so, sometimes back to back days.We talked every day. we haven’t slept together, but we do have chemistry. I did spend a few nights at his house, but always at his invitation. This weekend, a few nights in a row, I sort of pushed to try to see him. Texted too many times, called too many times. It ended with him pushing back, saying I needed to chill out a little. So I said, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m new at this dating thing, I do relationship really well, but dating is new to me. In relationship you just call someone when you want to talk to them, in casual dating the rules are different. I’m sorry I came on too strong, sorry you’re my casual dating guinea pig. The ball is in your court.” This was late Saturday night (we last saw each other Thursday night when I spent the night….still no sex –my choice) we didn’t talk Sunday he texted yesterday, “hello gorgeous how was the rest of your weekend?” we exchanged a few brief messages about our plans, I went hiking he went to see some friends play at a bar. He asked what I was doing, and I told him, then asked him what he was doing and told him how great the venue he was going to was, he hadn’t been. I thought he might invite me but he didn’t. Nothing yesterday. So it’s now almost a week since we’ve seen each other. I feel like this might be tapering off, and I also feel like I’m playing games. I don’t want to smother him, but I don’t want to back off to the point where I’m not honoring me. I’m not a game player, if I like you I want to get together and get to know you. So, I’m torn between reaching out again, and just letting it slide. Oh and one more thing, I have some of his pj’s because I slept in them Thursday night… I’d like to get them back to him, but not sure of the protocol. I don’t want them to be an excuse for me to see/talk to him. But I also don’t want to keep his stuff, any longer than appropriate. The simple, unavoidable fact is that life truly is a minefield. There are no rules, even complex ones that would do your head in, never mind simple easy ones, that will allow you to avoid grief and pain. The only option is to take a chance and if it bombs, it bombs and you have to know how to cope, how to bounce right back. If it doesn't work out this time, you can look at it as good fortune, that it fell apart earlier, rather than later. That is an entirely valid and satisfactory conclusion. "If at first you don't succeed, don't give up, but try, try again". So, I would suggest to you, play what you think is your honest game. If it doesn't suit him, then it will suit someone else and you will, in all probability, actually be the better off from it, finding someone who is confident and easy-going enough to handle the higher level of intensity that you bring to the table. You're not, after all, a raving loony, a stalker, are you? If you do feel that you are coming on too strong then back-off, but look at it from your own perspective, not worry about his. If faced by yourself, would you actually find yourself too intense? Maybe he is just a weak male who gets the frights in the presence of a confident, up-front, mature woman? If he is, is that the sort of man you want to stay latched to in any event? Also, he may be interested, but just not interested enough. If that is the case, that is the way it will be. Edited June 26, 2013 by pcplod
sweetheart5381 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 The simple, unavoidable fact is that life truly is a minefield. There are no rules, even complex ones that would do your head in, never mind simple easy ones, that will allow you to avoid grief and pain. The only option is to take a chance and if it bombs, it bombs and you have to know how to cope, how to bounce right back. If it doesn't work out this time, you can look at it as good fortune, that it fell apart earlier, rather than later. That is an entirely valid and satisfactory conclusion. "If at first you don't succeed, don't give up, but try, try again". So, I would suggest to you, play what you think is your honest game. If it doesn't suit him, then it will suit someone else and you will, in all probability, actually be the better off from it, finding someone who is confident and easy-going enough to handle the higher level of intensity that you bring to the table. You're not, after all, a raving loony, a stalker, are you? If you do feel that you are coming on too strong then back-off, but look at it from your own perspective, not worry about his. If faced by yourself, would you actually find yourself too intense? Maybe he is just a weak male who gets the frights in the presence of a confident, up-front, mature woman? If he is, is that the sort of man you want to stay latched to in any event? Also, he may be interested, but just not interested enough. If that is the case, that is the way it will be. Good post, lots of great points. It sounds like you guys like each other and that's great!! Let the intensity go and enjoy right now. You met a guy you really like (clearly) but there are no established rules as to how often or frequently you meet. These are the good times!! The anticipation I have a certain rule that I follow and it's pretty simple. If it feels good do it. If it hurts, stop. It's not a game and you def should not be seeing it that way.. otherwise it will end badly. Live your life, enjoy the times you are together and eventually all the good feelings and memories of when you are together will move you both towards a future together.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Sorry, but it IS a game. And it's one where you don't get to intellectualize the rules. The way it stands now you faulted yourself for coming on too strong. The rules are then to see if your actions back up your words. So you'll have to just lump it. I recommend deeming it over and start planning your life without him. If he tries to come back and you want that, be cool and keep it in proportion.
Recommended Posts