GI_Joy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Just a question to all you fellow LS posters out there. Lies. There are all sorts of reasons why people lie during the initial phases of a relationship. There's lying by omission which can be a grey area, and there are lies that are said solely to deceive or to make oneself look better. For me, I usually get uncomfortable when things don't match up or when things are inconsistent mainly because of my own past where simple lies turned into grandiose fraud. How bout y'all? Where do you draw the line and find it reasonable to bring something up? I'm in a happy relationship w a guy who treats me well and respects me, and appreciates me for who I am. I have no qualms or complaints in that respect. We've been together for 2 months now. There's just some things that slightly bother me and Idk whether I should be concerned or not. In the beginning he told me how he has been single for over a year and that the last person he was with did not want to put a title on their relationship, but it was pretty clear (from facebook..) that he was in a loving relationship with a girl this past November-March. Why lie about that? It's not like I'd care either way that he'd just gotten out of a relationship because I'd just gotten out of a relationship too. I also found out through my FB snooping that he has a daughter from a previous relationship that he is no longer in touch with. No contact w the baby mama either--it looks like they divorced because the wife cheated on him. I figure that's something huge to be omitting in a relationship but at the same time, it sounds like a complicated situation he's probably not ready to disclose yet. My friends tell me that I should confront him about it but I disagree. Why should I force him into talking about something he's probably not comfortable talking about? Seems like unnecessarily drama too early into a relationship. Please tell me that my worries are just a product of paranoia and that I've nothing to worry about. other than these 2 things I'm pretty satisfied with what we've got going on. I have no questions about his commitment to me. It just bothers me when things aren't consistent.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Please tell me that my worries are just a product of paranoia and that I've nothing to worry about. other than these 2 things I'm pretty satisfied with what we've got going on. I have no questions about his commitment to me. It just bothers me when things aren't consistent. Unfortunately, I can't tell you that. These things are huge...imagine what else is he hiding. You basically don't know this man at all. There is probably a reason why he is umm ommiting things. And it's one I am sure you wouldn't like. Personally, 2 months in, I would just abandon ship. But I get the vibe that you really like him blah blah, so ask him straight up and see what he says. The absolute worst thing you can do is just bury your head in the sand and "go with it". It's going to hurt a lot more later. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
CherryT Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Lying to me is a dealbreaker. If you don't think our relationship can be strong enough to discuss our life issues or if you don't think I AM strong enough to know, then I'm probably not the one for you. I am a firm believer of having nothing to hide in a relationship - big or small. Yes, his previous relationship may not be a big deal, but that's it. It's not a big deal so why hide it or even worse, lie about it? The baby thing to me is a big deal. Maybe it's not something he's ready to disclose, that's fine, we can wait until there's more trust in the relationship before we talk about it... but to not even mention it? and you found out through FB creeping? No trust there. I feel that someone who has this kind of history and feels the need to lie about it or not disclose is may be hiding something or knows that what they do is not respectable. I have friends who have been divorced and have been badly burned by their ex's but nothing will stop them from being in their kids life. To me, that's a red flag. Edited June 26, 2013 by CherryT
salparadise Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 What's the point of being in a relationship with someone who is disingenuous? Are you relating to who that person actually is, or the mask they're wearing? Do they even know the difference? Do they try to present a different reality for every person they know, or is this special just for you? Now a person is not required to spill ever fact about them by the second date, but out and out lying is a problem. Not only does he lie, but he seems to think you're completely gullible. Does the guy think you don't know how to operate a browser? Withholding the info about the child is not quite as definitive, although it's the bigger news, because that's the kind of thing you could reasonably wait to a bit to disclose. Like two months at the outside. Why not just casually reveal something personal that he doesn't know about you yet, and say you're doing it because it's time that you all have no secrets. So that will give him the opportunity to be open. If he is not forthcoming then I think you'd need to give that some serious consideration.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I swear, is there anything a man can do that makes his character "questionable"? or are many women always going to excuse any and all behavior because of how you feel for him and how he treats you? therefore giving him the benefit of the doubt. I shake my head at how many people assume themselves to be "special" and the exception to the rule...this guy is clearly a liar, you probably couldn't get the truth out of him if his life depended on it...but with a little research on FB (another great move for a man of mystery to expose all his lies on, big kudos to common sense there) you find out that he was married/divorced, supposedly cheated on (but let's never assume the man never did anything wrong, always innocent and truthful) and furthermore has a daughter who he has no contact with. I mean I don't know about YOU guys, but this sounds like an OUTSTANDING catch, why would anyone think for any moment that this is something to worry about? I mean for bob sakes, you've been together for two months and he's treated you with respect thus far...clear signs of a man of great character and integrity! I mean what else is there to think about? surely his past is not indicative of his behavior or a pattern...I mean why would it? after all, that one "special" woman comes along and changes everything just like in a storybook! And then you have no questions about his commitment to you...I mean why would you, he's only lied to you thus far about major things in his life, and actually has a daughter that is doing who knows what...will probably be sleeping with boys for some attention and validation because of daddy issues, but you know what...the past is the past, after all right? You have a past of "simple lies" turning into something more, this guy therefore sounds like a wonderful fit, why would you pay attention to these major red flags! why use your brain now...let's just "see where it goes" and then we'll act surprised when this turns out to be lying about other things..yaaaaay! 2
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Uh oh, pretty big lies there. That isn't exactly the 'no, honey, I don't think you look fat in that' kind of lie... I really don't think anyone can conscientiously tell you that your worries are borne out of paranoia. Because your concern sounds perfectly legitimate to me.
Author GI_Joy Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Right, that's exactly what I needed, the crass judgment from a stranger based on an online posting. Perfect. Thanks for showing me who I really am! I really appreciate it! Let me go jump off a bridge because I'm such a disgrace to all of humankind.
RedRobin Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I am going to play devils advocate here a bit... first off, I dont believe anyone is obliged to dump out their life story to near strangers. in fact... In fact i find it a bit repulsive. Trust should be earned... for both the giver and reciever of information. the op feels the need to get her information from facebook. ok. if things are inconsistent...then she can follow up. i guess my gripe is with people who expect instant intimacy and instant trust. my question to the op would be... how have you managed other truths he has shared? dont get me wrong... I am not saying you have to accept everything he shares... but you can create an an environment where sharing is safe.... if you have done that and you still feel you are getting important info second hand or not at all... then yea...walk.
CherryT Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Right, that's exactly what I needed, the crass judgment from a stranger based on an online posting. Perfect. Thanks for showing me who I really am! I really appreciate it! Let me go jump off a bridge because I'm such a disgrace to all of humankind. No judgement. You asked whether we see it as a big deal or if you're just paranoid. We're saying, you're not paranoid and your feelings that are "off" are legitimate. It's nothing about your character, more so his. But if you choose to stay then you know what you're in for. Like you said, we are strangers and we're just reflecting on what you wrote. Based on the facts that you gave us, I'd say I'd walk away. OR maybe be up front with him and ask about it... depending on his answers, you'll probably know what to do. 1
Author GI_Joy Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 No judgement. You asked whether we see it as a big deal or if you're just paranoid. We're saying, you're not paranoid and your feelings that are "off" are legitimate. This was really aimed at Ninjainpajamas, everyone else here has been pretty objective with what their opinions were and I appreciate your input. Just some clarification: I've been dating this guy for 2 months. we became exclusive at 1 month. I have simply enjoyed what we had so far, I've been given no reason to doubt his character before this. I haven't dropped the "L" word or asked for him to put a ring on it, I am in no rush for anything right now. I just found out about all this stuff this past weekend when I noticed that he had another profile that hadn't been used since 2010 and that came up with an album full of photos of his daughter. The last of his facebook statuses on that old profile were of him talking about how the exwife tore his heart out/how someone can do something like that to him, etc etc and a friend commented saying that he should just forgive and forget. There were no mentions of the daughter on his new profile whatsoever. I snoop everyone's profiles that I add to my facebook, I'm a FB snooper I couldn't help it. RedRobin, I have been very open about things and he has disclosed to me things that he had never felt comfortable disclosing to anyone else. Hell if I were in that position I would not feel comfortable disclosing those things. I will not say those things here because I just feel like I will get animosity or even more judgment about how much of a "doormat" that people seem to be painting me out to be. On the flipside, he was patient and had been there for me when I was dealing with personal issues that I was embarrassed that he had to see me go through. A month in he had told me he was surprised with how much he had already told me about himself, that he had been completely open with me thus far but there are some things that he still feels too uncomfortable to tell me. That was understandable. And as time has progressed and we became more open with each other, he'd revealed more about himself that he was initially uncomfortable talking about. I just happened to stumble upon one of those "uncomfortable" things before he was ready to talk about it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Right, that's exactly what I needed, the crass judgment from a stranger based on an online posting. Perfect. Thanks for showing me who I really am! I really appreciate it! Let me go jump off a bridge because I'm such a disgrace to all of humankind. Look at it this way...I'm a stranger, someone who doesn't know you personally so they can actually give an objective non-sugar coated answer...I'm sure if you ask your girlfriends they'll tell you to.. "Ohhh just talk to him about it, maybe this or that ::excuses that are ridiculous here:: because you know, those things do happen...i have a friend named Sara who dated Mike and were in the same situation kind of, and it worked for them, so anything is possible! ::spinning around with arms extended::" I'm not telling you to jump off a bridge, I'm asking you to wake up and smell the roses and really consider this important information, it should affect your judgment and perception of this guy because if that doesn't I don't know what will...these are clear and obvious red flags here, how can you build so much trust and any kind of relationship with this person without learning these very fundamental and basic things about someone, not to mention he blatantly has lied to you already that's proven... "In the beginning he told me how he has been single for over a year and that the last person he was with did not want to put a title on their relationship, but it was pretty clear (from facebook..) that he was in a loving relationship with a girl this past November-March." So you're trying to tell me this guy who lies about something as ridiculous and much less consequential than having a kid or being married, was just going to come clean at some future undetermined time even though the whole dummy has his life story on FB? How far down the road do you think that would have been? and then would have been different if you found out a year later (assuming you make it that far), would that make a difference to you even though you're the one who figured it out on your own right now and it very well could have been that long? My biggest disappointment/frustration is how you really minimize these two major things that seem just be minor bumps in the road to you. Edited June 26, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
Eddie Edirol Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) In the beginning he told me how he has been single for over a year and that the last person he was with did not want to put a title on their relationship, but it was pretty clear (from facebook..) that he was in a loving relationship with a girl this past November-March. Why lie about that? It's not like I'd care either way that he'd just gotten out of a relationship because I'd just gotten out of a relationship too. I also found out through my FB snooping that he has a daughter from a previous relationship that he is no longer in touch with. No contact w the baby mama either--it looks like they divorced because the wife cheated on him. I figure that's something huge to be omitting in a relationship but at the same time, it sounds like a complicated situation he's probably not ready to disclose yet. My friends tell me that I should confront him about it but I disagree. Why should I force him into talking about something he's probably not comfortable talking about? Seems like unnecessarily drama too early into a relationship. Why would someone lie? Pre-judgement. He might think telling you that he just got out of a relationship you'll think he could be holding a torch for his ex. How do you know hes not? No one who has been a rebound wants to be a rebound again. Doesnt see his daughter? Well, his reasoning could be his ex was a major headcase that lied to the judge to deny him custody. Or moved out of state and shes too far to see. Real story could be that he left his ex with an infant because he didnt want a baby, or he couldnt bear to see his kid after getting hurt by the breakup. But how does he know that if he tells you the real story that you dont ask your friends, and they convince you that hes lying ,and make up all kinds of crazy reasons he could be covering up the real story? No matter what he says, it could be twisted around. Truth is, you have to do your due diligence to watch out for red flags and not fall so fast for him that you ignore anything obvious. Maybe he is on a rebound and really wants to start fresh and fall in love again. But you have to watch him closely for now, and see if he is lying about anything else. But if feel that you have to snoop, youve already doomed the relationship. Edited June 26, 2013 by Eddie Edirol 2
FitChick Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 In the beginning he told me how he has been single for over a year and that the last person he was with did not want to put a title on their relationship, but it was pretty clear (from facebook..) that he was in a loving relationship with a girl this past November-March. Why lie about that? I also found out through my FB snooping that he has a daughter from a previous relationship that he is no longer in touch with. The first one wouldn't bother me. He might not want to hurt your feelings or just wants to forget that he ever loved that woman. Understandable. The second one could have a huge impact on your relationship especially if the mother comes after him for child support, creates drama, abandons the kid with him, etc. I would not want to get involved in that. 3
Phantom888 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree with Fitchick. The first issue is timing, and likely exaggerated to avoid possibly making you feel insecure. The 2nd issue is HUGE lie. Anything involving children is considered significant. We are talking about a little cute human being here, whom he gave life to, yet doesn't acknowledge? That's a big flaw in character, and makes him a bad person. Seriously, how else would you define a bad person?
BradJacobs Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 The truth was inconvenient for him at the time. Hard to confirm one. Hard not to pay attention to the other. Our past mistakes are easily repeated when we don't learn from them.
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