When someone you know is cheating...

[youngnlove89]

My boyfriend informed me yesterday that his good friend is cheating on his girlfriend of 6 months. His friend is 23 years old, my boyfriend is 28. They know each other through work, but also hang out a lot and will be roommates when my boyfriend buys a house this year.

 

My boyfriend told me how his friend is really good looking and I would think he is hot and I teased him and said, "Oh, give me his number!" and he got very upset at me when normally he would just tease back. This is when he told me this guy was a cheater and is cheating on his girlfriend. Maybe he is worried his friend would try to cheat with me??

 

I was not too happy about his guy friend cheating on his girlfriend. I think it's awful. And I've been cheated on before, so it makes me upset. I feel sorry for the girl.

 

There is the saying that goes "You become what you hang around" and "Show me your friends and I will show you your future".

 

I asked my father and a few of my guy friends for their input on having a friend that is a cheater. My dad (who cheated on my mom) told me that having friends that are cheaters would tempt him to cheat, especially if he lived with the guy. (this advice made me worry)

 

One guy friend told me that he wouldn't cheat just because his guy friend was cheating, and it wouldn't affect his own choices. Plus, the age difference tells another story. His guy friend is 23 and immature and my boyfriend is turning 29 and has morals.

 

My other guy friend was the one who told me the sayings above. Pretty much telling me he wouldn't be friends with a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend. So I should worry that my boyfriend is friends with a cheater. It could speak volumes of his character.

 

So then I texted my boyfriend and I told him how I was going to be a "girl" but it had concerned me and that I hope he would never do that to me if he wasn't happy with us. He texted back "Relax. :)"

 

I trust him. But I know sometimes good people do bad things.

 

What is your take on this? Would you be worried? What would you do if your good friend was cheating?

[youngnlove89]

Background on me: My dad is a cheater and I was also cheated on by my ex whom I dated before my current bf. It was a horrible situation. I was very depressed when I went through that affair.

 

The thought of it happening again makes me ill. Literally. I've been sick all day because of my anxieties from it.

 

I want to believe everything is fine, but everyone keeps telling me I should worry about my bf being friends with a cheater.

 

[Keenly]

It's not even remotely fair to assume that your boyfriend might cheat on you because he has a friend that's cheating. That's guilt by association. Blaming him for actions that A) haven't even taken place and B) He is not even the one doing.

[Betterthanthis13]

That's a tough one. I wouldn't be friends with a girl who was a blatant cheater, and definitely wouldn't be planning on moving in with one the same way I wouldn't be friends with a drug dealer or a person who is scamming disability instead of working. I can't respect them because they don't share my values.

 

How does your boyfriend feel about the topic of having friends that share his values? Has he ever thought about that?

 

What if you were friends with a stripper or escort? Would he be ok with that?

 

What if he moves in with the guy and you and the girlfriend become friends, does he expect you to lie to your new friend about his roomates cheating?

What a mess

 

I'd want to tell her now anyway even though that is really not your business since you don't know her and it's impractical because it will cause you a lot of drama with your boyfriend. So I probably would do nothing for the time being except talk to the bf.

 

The real issue is the red flag that your boyfriend has no problem with being friends with a cheater. If he doesn't agree that is a problem the. You have some thinking to do.

[salparadise]

I'd be a lot more worried about the living situation if this guy moves in with your boyfriend. Is this house going to become the place the guy brings the women when he's cheating? Are you and your bf going to end up having to hang out with him and his flavor of the day? Will the two of you have to tolerate all kinds of wild goings on? Or will he bring the steady gf to the house and expect you to pretend to befriend her and at the same time keep his secrets? I think it's time to tell your bf that you want nothing to do with this mess and see if he'll consider finding a different roommate. If he blows it off then you've got bigger problems I'm afraid.

[youngnlove89]

That's a tough one. I wouldn't be friends with a girl who was a blatant cheater, and definitely wouldn't be planning on moving in with one the same way I wouldn't be friends with a drug dealer or a person who is scamming disability instead of working. I can't respect them because they don't share my values.

 

This is EXACTLY my thinking. Which is why it worries me that my bf is okay with it.

 

How does your boyfriend feel about the topic of having friends that share his values? Has he ever thought about that?

 

He works with this guy and just met him this year. The rest of his friends are amazing awesome loyal people. I like them. But this guy is going to be moving in with him, but my bf just found out he is a cheater so I don't know where he stands on the moving part anymore.

 

What if you were friends with a stripper or escort? Would he be ok with that?

 

No he wouldn't. I know that for a fact because I once was looking for a roommate and there was a stripper who wanted to move in and he didn't agree with it. He was uncomfortable with it.

 

What if he moves in with the guy and you and the girlfriend become friends, does he expect you to lie to your new friend about his roomates cheating?

What a mess

 

Exactly. I would tell her.

 

The real issue is the red flag that your boyfriend has no problem with being friends with a cheater. If he doesn't agree that is a problem the. You have some thinking to do.

 

Thank you. This is my worry. I will be talking to him tonight when I see him to confront him with my worries. I'm just afraid of his response. How should I tell him?? I don't want to sound insecure.

[youngnlove89]

I'd be a lot more worried about the living situation if this guy moves in with your boyfriend. Is this house going to become the place the guy brings the women when he's cheating? Are you and your bf going to end up having to hang out with him and his flavor of the day? Will the two of you have to tolerate all kinds of wild goings on? Or will he bring the steady gf to the house and expect you to pretend to befriend her and at the same time keep his secrets? I think it's time to tell your bf that you want nothing to do with this mess and see if he'll consider finding a different roommate. If he blows it off then you've got bigger problems I'm afraid.

 

This is my worries! I haven't even met the guy yet and now I don't want to. I would hand him a new one.

 

It's okay to tell him that? I am afraid he might blow it off...

[youngnlove89]

Maybe your boyfriend told you his friend cheats because he was threatened by this guy. You said you find his friend attractive, that you joked about it and he got upset. Maybe he's trying to tear this guy down in your eyes and bring himself up with this gossip. Otherwise it's strange he'd even tell you about his friends cheating ways. I don't think it means your boyfriend is a cheater or will be influenced by a cheating friend though.

 

True. Our conversation started out about his friend not going hiking with him today in the mountains because he wants to be with his gf instead. So I said, "aw that is sweet" and that's when he told me "he isn't that sweet, he's cheating on his gf". I've never met his guy friend so I don't know what he looks like, but my bf doesn't want me to meet him because he is afraid I'll find him attractive. Is that weird?

 

But your post made me feel better. I was starting to get really worried.

[salparadise]

Your bf can't control what the other guy does, so don't attribute the other guy's character deficits to your bf by association... that is unless your bf allows himself to fall into the role of accomplice.

 

I would sit him down and set the tone for a serious discussion. Tell him that you have a serious aversion to being around this stuff because of what happened to your own family and the experience with your previous bf. Explain that there is essentially no way to avoid becoming entangled if that guy moves in because the two of you will either have to aide and abet his philandering or betray him. There is no middle ground if he's living there, and not much if he's only casual friends with the guy. Explain that even being friends with the guy and knowing what's going on is forcing the two of you to make choices that you shouldn't have to make. Perhaps if you can get your bf to consider all of the implications, to their full depth, he will realize that he can't have that guy living there.

[youngnlove89]

Your bf can't control what the other guy does, so don't attribute the other guy's character deficits to your bf by association... that is unless your bf allows himself to fall into the role of accomplice.

 

I would sit him down and set the tone for a serious discussion. Tell him that you have a serious aversion to being around this stuff because of what happened to your own family and the experience with your previous bf. Explain that there is essentially no way to avoid becoming entangled if that guy moves in because the two of you will either have to aide and abet his philandering or betray him. There is no middle ground if he's living there, and not much if he's only casual friends with the guy. Explain that even being friends with the guy and knowing what's going on is forcing the two of you to make choices that you shouldn't have to make. Perhaps if you can get your bf to consider all of the implications, to their full depth, he will realize that he can't have that guy living there.

 

 

Thanks. I am nervous to talk to him, wish me luck. But I know I need to say this or it will bug me.

[tbf]

What is your take on this? Would you be worried? What would you do if your good friend was cheating?

My take would be that if your b/f is the type to cheat, having a cheating friend will tempt him. But if your b/f isn't the cheating type, having a cheating friend won't impact.

 

So the issue then surrounds your personal opinion of your b/f and whether or not you trust or are able to trust him.

[youngnlove89]

My take would be that if your b/f is the type to cheat, having a cheating friend will tempt him. But if your b/f isn't the cheating type, having a cheating friend won't impact.

 

So the issue then surrounds your personal opinion of your b/f and whether or not you trust or are able to trust him.

 

 

Well he told me he has never cheated.

 

In the past, I have had my suspicions. I saw on his phone once where a girl sent him a couple provocative pictures. He said that she was just trying to reel him in, but nothing happened and he wasn't interested. There were no texts from them (maybe he deleted them?), but the pictures were saved on his phone with the date they were sent. I asked why he saved them and he said that his android phone automatically saves it. That was the last of that talk and I didn't question it anymore. That was over a year ago.

 

I haven't had any more suspicions. But who knows. Cheaters are good liars and hiders.

 

The question is why would he tell me his friend is cheating knowing it would bother me anyways?

[xxoo]

The question is why would he tell me his friend is cheating knowing it would bother me anyways?

 

Would you rather he not tell you?

 

You're his girl. You're the one he tells this stuff to. That's a good thing.

[Woggle]

Sometimes it's hard when a friend who is almost like family starts going the wrong way and turning into something that you don't like. It very much does pose a dilemna. I have a friend who deals weed but I have never dealt drugs and it's only weed so I don't see him as being immoral. If I knew a friend was cheating I might not drop him but he would get an earful about what I really felt and I would never do anything to cover up for him.

[youngnlove89]

Would you rather he not tell you?

 

You're his girl. You're the one he tells this stuff to. That's a good thing.

 

You are right. Thank you

[youngnlove89]

Sometimes it's hard when a friend who is almost like family starts going the wrong way and turning into something that you don't like. It very much does pose a dilemna. I have a friend who deals weed but I have never dealt drugs and it's only weed so I don't see him as being immoral. If I knew a friend was cheating I might not drop him but he would get an earful about what I really felt and I would never do anything to cover up for him.

 

 

That is true. A good friend of mine asked me a good question, he said if the roles were reversed and my good girl friend was a cheater, would I cheat? The answer would be heck no!! and I probably wouldn't stop being friends with her either. That would have no effect on me at all! But I would definitely think different of her.

 

I didn't think of it that way...

[Betterthanthis13]

That may be true but then what do you do if you are put into a situation where you are asked to cover for this friend? I wouldn't necessarily stop being friends either but like woggle said, they would get an earful. I would encourage them to deal with their primary realationship and be honest with their spouse before starting a new relationship. If they are the type to just be looking for sex outside their marriage and lying to their spouse then they are dumped as a friend because I do not want any part of that-and yes I would find a way to alert their spouse. Maybe that's harsh but my friends mom who is in her 60's now is living with HIV because of a similar situation where the whole town knew her jackass husband was running around on her while she sat at home and nobody said a peep.

 

Sorry for the semi thread jack

 

Anyway I hope conversation with bf goes well, let us know how it goes

[youngnlove89]

That may be true but then what do you do if you are put into a situation where you are asked to cover for this friend? I wouldn't necessarily stop being friends either but like woggle said, they would get an earful. I would encourage them to deal with their primary realationship and be honest with their spouse before starting a new relationship. If they are the type to just be looking for sex outside their marriage and lying to their spouse then they are dumped as a friend because I do not want any part of that-and yes I would find a way to alert their spouse. Maybe that's harsh but my friends mom who is in her 60's now is living with HIV because of a similar situation where the whole town knew her jackass husband was running around on her while she sat at home and nobody said a peep.

 

Sorry for the semi thread jack

 

Anyway I hope conversation with bf goes well, let us know how it goes

 

Wow!! That's awful. I haven't met his guy friend and don't want to now, because I would give him an ear full!!!! I would be rude to him. And I would open my big mouth if I met the gf too! But I don't know them. So if my bf does move in with this guy and I do meet both of them, it will be hard keeping my mouth shut. I would want someone to tell me if my bf was cheating.

[youngnlove89]

I'm not friends with cheaters. They are liars, cowards and users. Someone who can screw over their own spouse and kids will have NO problem doing it to me.

 

I'm actually in a dilemma right now. I just hired this new kid who told me he was living with his gf's parents. She's away at school and he wants to save money so when she graduates they can move out. When he texts me it auto sends a tag line about "love you ___" and their anniversary date. I thought it was cute he seemed so in love.

 

Then the second day as I'm training him a cute blonde girl comes in. He makes a bee line for her announcing: "I'm taking a smoke break" and runs outside to spend the next 40 minutes (while on the clock) flirting with her. He comes back in waving a piece of paper with a triumphant smile: "she was hot, yes, got her number!" I immediately shot him a look of disapproval: "so will you give that to your girlfriend?" He seen in my face what I thought and started back peddling: "it's just flirting, no big deal" blah, etc...

 

I'm just disgusted. This guy lives off his gf's parents and he serves that family up that way?!?! If he can be dishonest to someone as nice as them, I have no doubt he can steal from me and my business. Whether its refusing to work so he can score with women or by directly stealing from the till, I don't want him working from me and now I'm watching him like a hawk because the moment he slips up I'm letting him go...

 

I totally concur!! That's why I want to have this talk with my bf because this guy will use/cheat my bf when it comes to rent money. I just know it!! This guy is young, immature, cheater and has no morals!

 

People are horrible.

 

You can't trust cheaters, they cheat everything, not just their partners.

[LilGirlandOW]

If your boyfriend was a cheater just like his buddy, he probably woulda kept the FYI on the down low and not raise your eye brows to it. He probably told you because he has nothing to hide past, present or future, and no cheating plans.

 

To have said cheater as a roomie sounds like a nightmare! Random playdates over, yukkk! Try to tell him no, and thats when he'll bust out the "blah blah blah, but i pay rent here, blah blah" BS!

[youngnlove89]

If your boyfriend was a cheater just like his buddy, he probably woulda kept the FYI on the down low and not raise your eye brows to it. He probably told you because he has nothing to hide past, present or future, and no cheating plans.

 

To have said cheater as a roomie sounds like a nightmare! Random playdates over, yukkk! Try to tell him no, and thats when he'll bust out the "blah blah blah, but i pay rent here, blah blah" BS!

 

Yea, I don't know if my bf knows what he is in for! I'm sure his guy friend will have his gf over and then the OW over too at different times. And then it will be an awkward mess.

 

I'll eventually have to meet him since they will be living together. Not looking forward to it because I can keep my mouth shut, but I won't be nice to him. I think my bf doesn't like the idea of me meeting him because he knows his guy friend is a cheater and a big flirt. My bf keeps telling me "you will probably think he's hot...he is 6'0 and has a nice build".

[youngnlove89]

I talked to him last night and he wasn't really in the mood to talk about it and I probably didn't start it off right either. [[Cheating is a sore subject for me.]]

 

He just proceeded to tell me how it's normal for guys in his line of work to cheat (detention officers) and he said that his friends business is his own and we shouldn't get involved. Well then I got defensive when he said that his line of business is normal for people to cheat. And I brought up the picture in his phone a year ago and how I thought he cheated. (Bad mistake, I know.) He said he has never cheated and never will and then he asked, "if you think I cheated back then why are you still with me?" Touche. I ended things there and just kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to start a fight because that's where it was leading.

 

I told him I just wanted to be a girl and gossip about this guy and I wanted to know how they started talking about his guy friend cheating and all that. You know, what girls do best, gossip. But he just said it wasn't something he wanted to talk about and that he doesn't want to get involved. He said it's not like he cheered his buddy on or anything.

 

We were sitting on the couch and we both got quiet because I knew I crossed a line when I accused him of cheating. So he got on the ground next to where I was sitting, put his head on my chest and hugged me. He then looked me in the eyes and just kisses me as if to say "no more talk about cheating".

 

Then that was it. I took the hint.

 

I know I was wrong to mention the picture thing because that was so long ago. I know he probably flirted or even sent a picture back (who knows), but I really don't think it went further than that. I do trust him. I haven't been "Ms. Perfect" either. So I can't call the kettle black.

 

--About the guy moving in with him, so far it's still happening. He then showed me a picture of the schmuck and he had a nice body, but his face was ugly to me. I just don't like the guy! haha My bf said I'd probably think he is hotter in person. I don't know why he says things like that.--

Edited June 27, 2013 by youngnlove89

[mercuryshadow]

It depends on how close they are.

 

My ex-FI had a couple of friends who were notorious cheaters. I found this out after hanging with them a few times and they'd tell stories about their cheating escapades. Obviously, I thought it was horrible and confronted my FI about how HE felt about it. He claimed he didn't like it, would never do it, etc. As time went on, he got closer to these guys. When I wasn't available to do something, my FI would go out and "rage" with these guys (as they put it). And yes, in addition to being sucked into drugs, he ended up cheating.

 

Disclaimer: My ex had very little strength of character. He was a follower. He could easily be swayed and did not maintain any convictions. His façade fell away over time, and because I cared for him, I stayed. My advice to you would be to first and foremost be sure you know your boyfriend's character. Examine how he behaves while with this friend of his. KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

[youngnlove89]

It depends on how close they are.

 

My ex-FI had a couple of friends who were notorious cheaters. I found this out after hanging with them a few times and they'd tell stories about their cheating escapades. Obviously, I thought it was horrible and confronted my FI about how HE felt about it. He claimed he didn't like it, would never do it, etc. As time went on, he got closer to these guys. When I wasn't available to do something, my FI would go out and "rage" with these guys (as they put it). And yes, in addition to being sucked into drugs, he ended up cheating.

 

Disclaimer: My ex had very little strength of character. He was a follower. He could easily be swayed and did not maintain any convictions. His façade fell away over time, and because I cared for him, I stayed. My advice to you would be to first and foremost be sure you know your boyfriend's character. Examine how he behaves while with this friend of his. KNOW YOUR PARTNER.

 

wow, so sorry. That's an awful thing to experience.

 

My partner is strong, thick headed and a leader. He has always been honest with me, sometimes too honest, and he has good character and good morals. He better stay that way!

[therhythm]

wow, so sorry. That's an awful thing to experience.

 

My partner is strong, thick headed and a leader. He has always been honest with me, sometimes too honest, and he has good character and good morals. He better stay that way!

 

The only thing you need to do is to trust your boyfriend will not cheat... having friends cheater does not make him one of them.

Saying that a guy with friends who cheat will become cheaters is like saying that a guy with friends astronauts will make him go to the moon...