D-Day is Coming...

[grassisorisntgreener]

I didn't think it would. So naive.

 

He had a D-Day in February and didn't sell me out.

 

She recently found out who I am...probably wasn't that hard, especially for a female with her job and determination. We are all kind of co-workers (all in different buildings).

 

I can't stop shaking. Not looking for any advice. Mostly just panicking.

 

For anyone considering an affair. I urge you to reconsider. I am so head over heels in love with the OM, and so done with my husband, and I still would never, ever EVER suggest having an affair. It has literally ruined my life.

 

If my husband finds out...omg, he will ...I don't even know. He will tell my friends and family, he will probably tell my children, I will forever be the evil one, despite anything he has ever done in the marriage to drive us to the point we are at (prior to the affair)...

 

I want to tell my husband first but I'm so scared.

 

Ugh. I just want to disappear.

[Goodbye]

What happened? BW confronted her husband and he told you?

[grassisorisntgreener]

What happened? BW confronted her husband and he told you?

 

They aren't married. They don't live together, but she is there on weekends and sometimes during the week.

 

She confronted him with my name, he denied it, but said she somehow "knew."

 

Selfishly I want to be mad and say "you should have denied it! you should have said NO NO NO"...but he has been dealing with the fallout for 4 months, while I have not..so I really can't say much.

[Goodbye]

What is keeping you from telling your husband? What do you think will happen?

[aliveagain]

First, nothing your husband did in the marriage caused you to cheat, you both own the marriage, you own your decision to cheat. Please stop the blame shifting you cheat because you wanted to, I'm sure the Other Man didn't hold a gun to your head, you did this freely. You don't have much time, it sounds like his girlfriend intends to expose you and I would be willing to bet that other people at work already know. It will go way better for you and your family if your husband hears the news from you rather than being exposed by other betrayed spouse. No one ever expects to be caught but you must of considered what the consequences would be when discovered on you, on your family. Having an affair with a coworker has the added twist of the probable loss of your job, most companies have rules against this for a reason, it spreads through the firm like a wild fire on a windy day, again what did you expect? You need to take the lead and fast, confess to your husband, discuss how you dissolve what's left of your marriage, how you share parenting if divorce is what you want. Get yourself into counseling, take advantage of any services offered by your company. Take responsibility for your actions, tell him the truth no matter how much it hurts and DO NOT TRICLE TRUTH, give it to him strait.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I agree with what aliveagain said; regardless of anything your husband has done wrong in the marriage, there is no justification for cheating.

 

Even if he cheated on you, it doesn't justify doing the same. If that was the case, you had options available to you. In fact, whatever has occurred in the marriage, you had options in how to deal with them. You didn't have to stay; you could have left, or tried MC, or you both could have tried to work things out without counselling, if finances were a concern.

 

But, you have stated you're not here for advice. Besides that, telling you what you could have done serves no purpose; it won't change the past.

 

The panicking I can well understand. If the truth is going to come out anyway, you might want to make sure you're the one to do it.

 

There's no guarantee of how he'll react, exactly; you probably have a better idea than anyone here.

 

And much like you, I say the same; I've engaged in an affair, and I don't recommend anyone goes down this path. It just makes already existing problems that much worse.

[ScarlettKaren]

Grass,

 

whether or not you tell. Please have a plan for the fallout of d-day. Have a place in mind for you and your children. Have a plan for if he closes joint accounts. Have a plan of action in short. It will help you deal with some of the what ifs giving rise to part of the panic.

 

Get ducks in order. Just in case. plan for the worst, hope for the best and see what comes.

 

d-days are miserable. wretched things.

[grassisorisntgreener]

First, nothing your husband did in the marriage caused you to cheat, you both own the marriage, you own your decision to cheat. Please stop the blame shifting you cheat because you wanted to, I'm sure the Other Man didn't hold a gun to your head, you did this freely. You don't have much time, it sounds like his girlfriend intends to expose you and I would be willing to bet that other people at work already know. It will go way better for you and your family if your husband hears the news from you rather than being exposed by other betrayed spouse. No one ever expects to be caught but you must of considered what the consequences would be when discovered on you, on your family. Having an affair with a coworker has the added twist of the probable loss of your job, most companies have rules against this for a reason, it spreads through the firm like a wild fire on a windy day, again what did you expect? You need to take the lead and fast, confess to your husband, discuss how you dissolve what's left of your marriage, how you share parenting if divorce is what you want. Get yourself into counseling, take advantage of any services offered by your company. Take responsibility for your actions, tell him the truth no matter how much it hurts and DO NOT TRICLE TRUTH, give it to him strait.

 

To clarify, I do not blame my husband or the things he has done or not done, on my affair. That is completely seperate. All I was saying, is that right now, when we speak amicably about how our marriage isn't working, he takes blame for his faults. That would all go away, and in it's place would be resentment and anger of ridiculous proportions. Rightfully so. All I was saying is that in his eyes, nothing he ever did would matter. I am definitely NOT using anything that's happened as the reason I cheated. I know there is no justification for it.

 

OM doesn't "think" she is going to tell, but it's just not a chance I can take. I need to start figuring this out and getting everything in order for the day to come. She doesn't benefit in anyway from telling. She has known for months and has not ended their relationship. Granted they aren't doing great, but they are still a couple.

 

There's just so much back story to even get into right now..so many details. But regardless. I do need to have a plan.

[ComingInHot]

grass,

I was just reading your topic and first off, I'm sorry you have placed yourself, H, Family in such a position.

 

Second, You wrote that your H may/probably will out your cheating to your well, Everyone.

Unfortunately you can NOT control the actions of others, only your own.

So, I was thinking, you "want" the news to come from you, right? But your scared. I don't doubt you are. BUT what if you got your family and bestest friends together w/your H, sat them all down at the same time and told them the truth?

 

I know it sounds Absurd ( and maybe it is), but I was thinking, If it came from You, face to face, seeing your anguish, and remorse for the damage you've caused to those you love, it could make a huge difference.

 

Just Don't Lie or Blame your for your Cheating. It's honest to say you're unhappy and have been, just own that it's No Excuse for your A, ya know?*

 

Anyway, just a thought.

CIH*

Edited June 26, 2013 by ComingInHot

[grassisorisntgreener]

grass,

I was just reading your topic and first off, I'm sorry you have placed yourself, H, Family in such a position.

 

Second, You wrote that your H may/probably will out your cheating to your well, Everyone.

Unfortunately you can NOT control the actions of others, only your own.

So, I was thinking, you "want" the news to come from you, right? But your scared. I don't doubt you are. BUT what if you got your family and bestest friends together w/your H, sat them all down at the same time and told them the truth?

 

I know it sounds Absurd ( and maybe it is), but I was thinking, If it came from You, face to face, seeing your anguish, and remorse for the damage you've caused to those you love, it could make a huge difference.

 

Just Don't Lie or Blame your for your Cheating. It's honest to say you're unhappy and have been, just own that it's No Excuse for your A, ya know?*

 

Anyway, just a thought.

CIH*

 

I am actually more concerned for the OM. If everyone finds out, this will impact his job. I will be fine. I can handle this, as long as my children are okay. Everything else is an after thought. I have great friends and a great family. While they wouldn't approve of my behavior, I won't lose anyone close to me, that I can say with certainty.

 

If she decides to tell my husband, but say, doesn't want EVERYONE to know, then she will be in for a surprise. Because he will make it very well known.

 

Bottom line, despite my unhappiness and wanting out of the marraige, I really didn't want to hurt him this way. I didn't want it to go down like this. I just feel like the biggest piece of ****.

[Mint Sauce]

take a deep breath and come clean; painful days are ahead, but you'll feel the relief of a clean(er) slate.

[Got it]

Are you in therapy? Maybe talk to an IC about it, how to approach it, etc. I know some people will use the therapist as a neutral and safe environment to tell the other person.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't think it would. So naive.

 

He had a D-Day in February and didn't sell me out.

 

She recently found out who I am...probably wasn't that hard, especially for a female with her job and determination. We are all kind of co-workers (all in different buildings).

 

I can't stop shaking. Not looking for any advice. Mostly just panicking.

 

For anyone considering an affair. I urge you to reconsider. I am so head over heels in love with the OM, and so done with my husband, and I still would never, ever EVER suggest having an affair. It has literally ruined my life.

 

If my husband finds out...omg, he will ...I don't even know. He will tell my friends and family, he will probably tell my children, I will forever be the evil one, despite anything he has ever done in the marriage to drive us to the point we are at (prior to the affair)...

 

I want to tell my husband first but I'm so scared.

 

Ugh. I just want to disappear.

 

Better that your husband hears the truth from you rather than someone else. Own it, don't justify it. Admit it and answer all your H's questions honestly.

 

Part of your consquence by choosing to have an affair is dealing with the fallout. Yes, you messed up badly, made some pretty selfish choices by having an A, but that doesn't mean everybody will hate you or leave you. Who knows, maybe your husband loves you enough to give you a chance to change and make things right again if you are wanting to stay married to him.

 

Affairs hurt everybody.

[whichwayisup]

I am actually more concerned for the OM. If everyone finds out, this will impact his job. I will be fine. I can handle this, as long as my children are okay. Everything else is an after thought. I have great friends and a great family. While they wouldn't approve of my behavior, I won't lose anyone close to me, that I can say with certainty.

 

If she decides to tell my husband, but say, doesn't want EVERYONE to know, then she will be in for a surprise. Because he will make it very well known.

 

Bottom line, despite my unhappiness and wanting out of the marraige, I really didn't want to hurt him this way. I didn't want it to go down like this. I just feel like the biggest piece of ****.

 

Don't own what OM has done. He went into the A willingly! He's grown man and he can deal with this own consquences.

 

Okay, I see you want out of your marriage, so do tell your H the truth and just apologize for how this all went down. He'll be angry and hurt, but it'll reinforce that you two need to divorce.

[ComingInHot]

grass, I'm glad you have such a great group of people.

 

I don't necessarily agree that taken Man should be your first priority though. Your children should*

Whether you or your H should end up telling your kids, it should be done with love and reassurance that the burden is Not with them. No sordid details necessary*

 

As far as the AP, he KNEW what He was doing. Any "fallout" from his actions are on Him. He's a big boy. He has CHOSEN to remain w/his SO, so you are not his main concern she is ergo and in return, you and Yours should be Your main concern*

Career wise, financially, socially & personally, those are His to face and deal with NOT Yours. To further concern yourself w/AP is to continue to make your family feel even further betrayed should this all come out.

 

Grass, chin up* use this situation to become the woman you want to be and the example you want to set for your kids. A bright future awaits you!*

[ComingInHot]

Oh Ya! (I had this whole post nicely written then lost... just remembered this piece)*

 

Stop! Stop right there w/the self Trash Talk. We all feel bad when we screw up. At least we should... It means we still have a heart*

 

Own what you've done and the people it has hurt BUT move Forward making better, healthier choices. It's hard to do that if you are continuously beating yourself up. It won't do you OR your loved ones any good.

 

But No More Trashing Yourself do you hear?!?!? Or I'll get crazy BW on your arse.

Edited June 26, 2013 by ComingInHot

[Artie Lang]

For anyone considering an affair. I urge you to reconsider.

 

i suspect you wouldn't have said this if there wasn't impending doom just around the corner.

[LilGirlandOW]

i suspect you wouldn't have said this if there wasn't impending doom just around the corner.

 

My MM have no impending dday and i would give anybody the same advice being the OW sucks, being involved in an A, SUCKS! Unless your just out for sex or like following crumb trails, dont do it. If you have a heart it will break apart, piece by piece

[Artie Lang]

if you had a heart in the first place, you wouldn't find yourself in an affair to begin with.

[Clemenza]

if you had a heart in the first place, you wouldn't find yourself in an affair to begin with.

 

Way to throw out a hit-and-run blanket statement. It's very helpful.

[LilGirlandOW]

Artie, I will respectfully disagree with you!

 

I was in an abusive M for 10yrs prior to affair, and came out a broken person, my MM was there, and helped me through it all, just because I fell in love with a man who happened to be married during a weak time in my life, does not mean i dont have a heart!!!!!!!!!

[JustAReformedGirl]

if you had a heart in the first place, you wouldn't find yourself in an affair to begin with.

 

 

I respectfully disagree. Seldom is any situation so cut and dry, Artie. I'm not excusing the action of engaging in an affair-I am saying you must possess some very narrow vision to assume someone else is without a heart, just because they did.

[Owl]

I agree with what others have said.

 

You claim to be "so done" with your H...then be done with him. Tell him the truth, get the divorce into the works, and drive on with the seperation.

 

OM needs to fend for himself. That's been the reality all along.

 

Its about time you focused on making the changes in your own life that need to happen...pretty simple and straightforward when you think about it.

 

Put on your big girl pants, and start doing the right things...TODAY.

[aliveagain]

You say you are more concerned about OM over your own family, time you start changing your mind set because that kind of thinking won't help you in your next relationship.