Mrselfdestrukt Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Those who have been through the minefield of separation / divorce, and have kids; how do you deal with the first situation of being in a place where you know your ex will be there? It's a school performance, and I obviously want to be there for the kids. She will be there too (obviously), and the venue is absolutely tiny, so there will be no chance at all that we would be able to avoid seeing one another. We've been separated for 10 months now, with absolutely no contact since the date the Ex left (only through solicitors). It's a couple of weeks away, and I'm already feeling edgy about the evening - any coping tips?
mark982 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I wish I had the answer for you,it's been decades since my divorce and still can't stand tp see her..hope someone comes on with more helpful info..
worldgonewrong Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 It's a couple of weeks away, and I'm already feeling edgy about the evening - any coping tips? Having been down a similar road, I can offer this: 1. at the time of the event, remember that you're not going to die/melt/keel over just because you're in the same room. 2. You're in control of yourself. Unless she comes at you with a knife, there's no reason to fear her. 3. Your emotions are yours, and you control them. If you feel tense and anxious in her presence, even if she's across the room, remember that she can't get to you unless you allow her to. 3. Emotions are transitory. When a wave of anxiety/fear wash over you, remember that it's impermanent.
hayewils Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I have been in this situation in first divorce which involved children. She was there with new bf.. Its hard knowing they are right there. Just have to be strong. I just didnt make eye contact at all. Kept telling myself, shes not here and that she cant get to me.. Wish i could offer more but dont know what else to tell you. Just be strong.. 1
notbroken Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 You are going for your kids. There will likely be quite a few of these events over the years. You'll get through it and probably easier than you think. The first time I had to do it I was concerned. What amazed me was when I saw her was the almost total lack of feeling. I knew then I was 'done' with her. I would suggest saying few words to her. Any you do say should be cordial. No need to discuss the split or anything else. If she brings up anything like that just say 'now is not the time to discuss that. Isn't this a nice event?'. Be nice just like you would to a near stranger. Be friendly but not overly friendly. Don't avoid looking at her but don't seek it out either. I would NOT bring a girlfriend even if they may bring their new significant other. Just no point other than to stir up trouble. If you have someone that has become a significant part of your kid's life, then that may be another matter. Don't use it to further any sort of agenda for yourself or your divorce. Go and be friendly there for your kid. 1
Steadfast Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I would suggest saying few words to her. Any you do say should be cordial. No need to discuss the split or anything else. If she brings up anything like that just say 'now is not the time to discuss that. Isn't this a nice event?'. Be nice just like you would to a near stranger. Be friendly but not overly friendly. Don't avoid looking at her but don't seek it out either. *snip* Don't use it to further any sort of agenda for yourself or your divorce. Go and be friendly there for your kid. Nicely done. Good advice here. I've always focused on being nice...but in the back of my mind, almost hoped something 'dramatic' would happen. I wanted that test. I wanted a chance to remain cool under fire. I wanted to see her with someone else, or have her start something. I prepared myself for any situation. It worked. When I see my ex now (she's always with her SO) I look her in the eye. Not rude or overbearing, just confident. Funny, neither her or him look at me. I can visibly tell that they're a little uneasy. My...how things have changed! Practice makes perfect.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Just ignore her. It's pretty easy if she's doing the same to you, which she probably will. I have to see my ex pretty regularly because of kid hand off...and we talk very little.
2sure Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 My x and I run into each other occasionally at professional functions. Initially, I was a nervous wreck. But then I realized he was too, and so was anyone he brought with him. And that gave me power. Now whenever I run into him, I'm the first to say hello and I do so with a sincere mocking knowing little smile. Think "Hello Newman" from Seinfeld.
LIFE.GOES.wrONg Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 This first time I had to see my stbx at a kids functions I decided to show up very early and get a front-row, center seat. Showing up early and taking that seat, I believed, would reduce the chance of me seeing her. It worked very well. I focused on my child and I no idea when she got there. Unfortunately, the hard part was that my child would look at her so I had an idea of where she was but I never turned around and looked - just stayed focused on my child. Afterwards, I put on my sunglasses and walked directly to the exit - never saw or spoke to her.
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