OMM's Family Contacting Me

[jezebella]

It's been more than 2 months since my DDay in which my OM's wife uncovered the A and we went NC. I am fine with all of this, and it's been an explicit agreement that if I keep away from them, they keep away from me. My H has never found anything out, and I don't want him to. I love him and my family and I am committed to moving on from this and never doing it again. I have no desire to contact the OM, ever. Initially, everything was overwhelming and the worst feelings I've ever felt in my life. I honestly thought I'd never recover or feel happy again. I considered suicide. In the last few weeks, however, I've felt better than ever and well distanced from the entire ordeal.

 

Last night his daughter emailed me. She told me she has forced him to to "go public" very soon to his friends with what happened and she told me to disengage from anyone that is his friend. These are people (about 4) that I've gotten very, very close to. I have no problem sacrificing them to save my marriage, and I will, but this will likely open pandora's box and what was to be shut away and healed will be ripped open, exposed, and do tremendous damage. I don't know what to do about that or the email. I don't want to respond, but she is a millenial and I worry that she'll go farther if I don't.

 

Any advice is appreciated. The whole thing set me back, almost to zero. My hands won't stop shaking and I can't sleep. I just wish they'd leave me alone, as I am leaving them alone.

[lifelesson101]

It is perfectly normal for children, no matter what age, to be devastated when they find out one of their parents has strayed. Her feelings should be taken into consideration and respected.

 

However, she has no business demanding that her father go public or interfering in how her parents decide to reconcile. The BS should have the prerogative to demand full disclosure - or not.

 

I appears you have decided to stay with your husband. You have the option of telling him what happened yourself. It would be easier on all of you if he found out about the affair from you versus the information coming from a third party. And if you come clean with your husband you take away any little bit of power she has over you.

 

Do you really want to live your life constantly waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop?

[Pierre]

However, she has no business demanding that her father go public or interfering in how her parents decide to reconcile. The BS should have the prerogative to demand full disclosure - or not.

 

 

It is a free country and she can say whatever she wants. The daughter probably believes the MOW had no business sleeping with her father. As someone said, kids are deeply hurt by infidelity, sometimes as much as the spouses.

 

 

It is not about prerogatives. The MOW did not have the prerogative to sleep with her dad.

 

The best thing is to come clean. That would lead to an even better recovery.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I would reply to her, in order to make sure she knows you have full intention of co-operating in the matter.

 

Yes, if she demands her father goes public, and he decides to do it (after all, she can't really force him to...but I imagine if he refuses, she'll take it upon herself to inform them, anyway) it's going to open a huge can of worms.

 

But in order for you to truly move on from this, I think you need to let her do what she feels is right. She's been hurt by what occurred. I'm not painting you as a villain, and I'm sure your actions were less cruel, and more thoughtless. It hadn't occurred what would happen, if anyone found out; when they did find out, the reality of it probably hit you really hard, right?

 

In any case, it hit her hard, too. She's an angry, hurt teenager, and that means she's going to lash out in anyway she can to make the hurt stop.

 

So, I would comply with her wishes, but I would also suggest coming clean to your husband in the near future-as soon as possible. Because you really never know...this could go a lot further than you'd like. It's better if you tell him, than if he finds out.

 

Has he ever suspected anything?

[Pierre]

I would reply to her, in order to make sure she knows you have full intention of co-operating in the matter.

 

Yes, if she demands her father goes public, and he decides to do it (after all, she can't really force him to...but I imagine if he refuses, she'll take it upon herself to inform them, anyway) it's going to open a huge can of worms.

 

But in order for you to truly move on from this, I think you need to let her do what she feels is right. She's been hurt by what occurred. I'm not painting you as a villain, and I'm sure your actions were less cruel, and more thoughtless. It hadn't occurred what would happen, if anyone found out; when they did find out, the reality of it probably hit you really hard, right?

 

In any case, it hit her hard, too. She's an angry, hurt teenager, and that means she's going to lash out in anyway she can to make the hurt stop.

 

So, I would comply with her wishes, but I would also suggest coming clean to your husband in the near future-as soon as possible. Because you really never know...this could go a lot further than you'd like. It's better if you tell him, than if he finds out.

 

Has he ever suspected anything?

 

I agree.

 

 

It would also be useful for the teen daughter to see that OP is remorseful and plans to be NC with OM. So talking with the the daughter will be useful.

 

 

Furthermore, most MOM in these cases paint the MOW as predatory. They shift all the blame to the OW to save their own skin. The daughter needs to realize her dad is equally at fault here.

 

 

Teens and adult children hurt a lot with infidelity. Toddlers take it well because they don't understand.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I agree.

 

 

 

 

 

Furthermore, most MOM in these cases paint the MOW as predatory. They shift all the blame to the OW to save their own skin. The daughter needs to realize her dad is equally at fault here.

 

I hadn't even considered that. Given her connection to her father-even if she's angry with him, right now-subconsciously, she would either believe her father, if he shifted the blame, or make the assumption herself, because deep down, she still wants to think better of her father. Excellent point, as well.

[Pierre]

I hadn't even considered that. Given her connection to her father-even if she's angry with him, right now-subconsciously, she would either believe her father, if he shifted the blame, or make the assumption herself, because deep down, she still wants to think better of her father. Excellent point, as well.

 

It is very common for the betrayed wife to assign 100% of the blame to the shoulders of the OW. Most of these men tell the wife they were helpless and seduced. The daughter wants to believe her dad did no wrong.

[Spark1111]

Definitely respond. Apologize, and tell her you firmly intend to work on your marriage and have no plans to ever contact her father again so he can work on his marriage and if that includes never socializing with those four people again, you will do that because your marriage is more important to you.

 

that should do it.

[underwater2010]

With them still bothering you like this, you just might want to fess up to your husband. I have a bad feeling that they are going to go way public with the affair and that includes telling your husband.

[whichwayisup]

You need to please get professional help since you say you've thought of suicide. This is serious.

 

I'm not going to say much more because you're in a fragile state of mind, so talking to someone will help you get stronger, so you can tell your H the truth before someone else does.

[AutumnRose1974]

Last night his daughter emailed me. She told me she has forced him to to "go public" very soon to his friends with what happened

 

This part made me go . Since when does a child have any kind of power to "force" an adult, much less her father, to do anything? She needs to sit down, shut up and stop making trouble. That ship has sailed, and she's a bit late to be trying to get onboard.

[waterwoman]

This part made me go . Since when does a child have any kind of power to "force" an adult, much less her father, to do anything? She needs to sit down, shut up and stop making trouble. That ship has sailed, and she's a bit late to be trying to get onboard.

 

Perhaps her father cares about her.

[jezebella]

I ended up screwing up and forwarding her email to a throwaway yahoo account in order to respond. The forwarding stripped out her actual address and I'd deleted the originals.

 

I decided in the end to email him, with her email in the forward. I decided, too, that I don't have any business engaging his daughter, IMO. I don't begrudge her contacting me, but it's not my place, outside of him and his wife, to respond individually. So I stated my position to him clearly, explicitly also saying I wanted his wife to see the email and take charge of the chain and that this was not to be perceived as the beginning of a "conversation" or any form of ongoing contact.

 

I do agree that I've been painted in as the villian - she wrote something about how "I" had destroyed her father's life, ruined her trust in him, etc. Of course, he is fully culpable for his own actions, as am I. Neither of us was a victim here.

 

But that's neither here nor there. They have not responded, and may never do so. I don't even know that they saw the email. But I hope they accept my truly sincere entreaty for us to just leave each other alone, forever, so we can concentrate on healing and moving on. I did say I'd block whomever they want if they could be specific - the vagueness in her email could mean anything. There are a few I can guess at and I'll do that on my own.

 

As for telling my husband, there are multiple camps on that. I have two friends who were cheated on by their partners, and they both wish they'd never known. They are CLEAR with me that I should never tell. The pain is too deep, and never goes away. You can call me selfish, but I don't want that pain for my husband. I am committed to him and to being faithful from here on out - the A was the worst thing I've ever been through in my life. It's my albatross, my hell, and it will torment me for the rest of my life. I want him spared of that.

[Pierre]

I ended up screwing up and forwarding her email to a throwaway yahoo account in order to respond. The forwarding stripped out her actual address and I'd deleted the originals.

 

I decided in the end to email him, with her email in the forward. I decided, too, that I don't have any business engaging his daughter, IMO. I don't begrudge her contacting me, but it's not my place, outside of him and his wife, to respond individually. So I stated my position to him clearly, explicitly also saying I wanted his wife to see the email and take charge of the chain and that this was not to be perceived as the beginning of a "conversation" or any form of ongoing contact.

 

I do agree that I've been painted in as the villian - she wrote something about how "I" had destroyed her father's life, ruined her trust in him, etc. Of course, he is fully culpable for his own actions, as am I. Neither of us was a victim here.

 

But that's neither here nor there. They have not responded, and may never do so. I don't even know that they saw the email. But I hope they accept my truly sincere entreaty for us to just leave each other alone, forever, so we can concentrate on healing and moving on. I did say I'd block whomever they want if they could be specific - the vagueness in her email could mean anything. There are a few I can guess at and I'll do that on my own.

 

As for telling my husband, there are multiple camps on that. I have two friends who were cheated on by their partners, and they both wish they'd never known. They are CLEAR with me that I should never tell. The pain is too deep, and never goes away. You can call me selfish, but I don't want that pain for my husband. I am committed to him and to being faithful from here on out - the A was the worst thing I've ever been through in my life. It's my albatross, my hell, and it will torment me for the rest of my life. I want him spared of that.

 

All of us make mistakes. I have to say I admire your point of view on how to proceed. Telling would simply be done to alleviate your own guilt. If you are willing to go NC and have remorse (the sign of a good person) then you are good to go. I see no loss of honor in your actions. All of us make errors.

[jezebella]

All of us make mistakes. I have to say I admire your point of view on how to proceed. Telling would simply be done to alleviate your own guilt. If you are willing to go NC and have remorse (the sign of a good person) then you are good to go. I see no loss of honor in your actions. All of us make errors.

 

Thank you for that. It cut me to my soul. I have seen you be very hard on some people on this forum - rightly so in some cases, maybe not so much in others - but your opinion matters to me more than some. I do not feel like a good person, and may never feel that way. But I want happiness for my husband and my children, and I'm willing to take the arrows to achieve that.

 

If it comes out, I actually think the email I wrote today will give my husband some solace, if he's in the headspace to accept that. It's a clear articulation of a desire to heal my marriage and disconnect from the A permanently and forever.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I ended up screwing up and forwarding her email to a throwaway yahoo account in order to respond. The forwarding stripped out her actual address and I'd deleted the originals.

 

I decided in the end to email him, with her email in the forward. I decided, too, that I don't have any business engaging his daughter, IMO. I don't begrudge her contacting me, but it's not my place, outside of him and his wife, to respond individually. So I stated my position to him clearly, explicitly also saying I wanted his wife to see the email and take charge of the chain and that this was not to be perceived as the beginning of a "conversation" or any form of ongoing contact.

 

I do agree that I've been painted in as the villian - she wrote something about how "I" had destroyed her father's life, ruined her trust in him, etc. Of course, he is fully culpable for his own actions, as am I. Neither of us was a victim here.

 

But that's neither here nor there. They have not responded, and may never do so. I don't even know that they saw the email. But I hope they accept my truly sincere entreaty for us to just leave each other alone, forever, so we can concentrate on healing and moving on. I did say I'd block whomever they want if they could be specific - the vagueness in her email could mean anything. There are a few I can guess at and I'll do that on my own.

 

As for telling my husband, there are multiple camps on that. I have two friends who were cheated on by their partners, and they both wish they'd never known. They are CLEAR with me that I should never tell. The pain is too deep, and never goes away. You can call me selfish, but I don't want that pain for my husband. I am committed to him and to being faithful from here on out - the A was the worst thing I've ever been through in my life. It's my albatross, my hell, and it will torment me for the rest of my life. I want him spared of that.

 

Jezebella - I hate to tell you but keeping this secret with the other camp in full knowledge of the situation is a loaded gun - you just don't know when it will go off. If you and XMM had ended it, no one else knew, then, maybe. But in this situation, you are much better off telling your husband before he discovers it some other way. It is a strong possibility he will find out - there are too many people that know. And the BS may not know how she feels from one day to the next. I understand you want him spared, but it will be much worse if he finds out later.

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Jezebella - I hate to tell you but keeping this secret with the other camp in full knowledge of the situation is a loaded gun - you just don't know when it will go off. If you and XMM had ended it, no one else knew, then, maybe. But in this situation, you are much better off telling your husband before he discovers it some other way. It is a strong possibility he will find out - there are too many people that know. And the BS may not know how she feels from one day to the next. I understand you want him spared, but it will be much worse if he finds out later.

 

As far as his daughter, this is to be expected, unfortunately. My kids absolutely (with the exception of my middle daughter who understood our connection) hate my XMM - mostly because of how he treated me after the fact - threw me under the bus. Also he would talk to my daughters about avoiding douchebags and he became the douchebag he warned my girls about. Don't get me wrong, they were disappointed with me as well, but they cannot understand why he could treat them and my husband the way he did and offer no apology at all. His children were too young to know anything and still are. They may never know. Unfortunately, his daughter may have difficulty with this for a very long time. Let her be angry, you can't change it.

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

ps - sorry - I was editing and ended up with two posts - geesh

[jezebella]

Jezebella - I hate to tell you but keeping this secret with the other camp in full knowledge of the situation is a loaded gun - you just don't know when it will go off. If you and XMM had ended it, no one else knew, then, maybe. But in this situation, you are much better off telling your husband before he discovers it some other way. It is a strong possibility he will find out - there are too many people that know. And the BS may not know how she feels from one day to the next. I understand you want him spared, but it will be much worse if he finds out later.

 

 

I know this, but I truly (against all reason) am committed to holding out until it comes out - with my hope being that it never comes out. Our social circles do not intersect. There are very few friends "in common" between me and my OMM's friends. I have friends who have gone decades, and yes, the "looking over your shoulder" never ends, but I am willing to take that chance. My husband is an innocent, and I love him. I want his happiness. I will shoulder the hell and I hope it never becomes real for him.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm so sorry, but I am watching my husband right now because his fow's husband does not know. Every time she shows up or something like that he panics. He doesn't know when it all will come out and her husband will finally know. I have chosen not to tell her husband. It is not a fun way to live.

 

 

I wish you luck with this but honestly all it takes is one person to know and they WILL tell someone and do you know why? Because people have mouths and they talk - period. I have been through this on both sides and believe me you don't want this coming any other way. You have already said they are going to expose it. You do not want this to explode and him find out some other way - believe me when I tell you it will be much worse.

 

But you have to do what you believe is best - but remember many of us have already traveled this road and we are just trying to help.

[jezebella]

 

But you have to do what you believe is best - but remember many of us have already traveled this road and we are just trying to help.

 

I sincerely hear you. But i have moved (deliberately) across country, surrounded by people who don't know the OM. And if it blows up in my face, I'm ready. But I am also committed to placing that in my rear view mirror. I will post back on outcome.

[whichwayisup]

I know this, but I truly (against all reason) am committed to holding out until it comes out - with my hope being that it never comes out. Our social circles do not intersect. There are very few friends "in common" between me and my OMM's friends. I have friends who have gone decades, and yes, the "looking over your shoulder" never ends, but I am willing to take that chance. My husband is an innocent, and I love him. I want his happiness. I will shoulder the hell and I hope it never becomes real for him.

 

Well then, when this all blows up (and it will) in your face, own it all. Own your mistakes, your choices and why you chose to not come clean with your husband.

 

When he finds out, all hell will break loose. At least if you confess now and tell him the truth, he'll respect you for telling him, rather than him finding out from OM's (MM's) wife.

 

It really is only a matter of time before MM's wife contacts your husband. 9/10 a betrayed spouse DOES get a hold of the other betrayed spouse.