Difficulty accepting social media use

[Thierro]

Millions of people use social media; Twitter and Facebook in particular. I try to be openminded about it, but I have a hard time accepting and respecting it.

 

My girlfriend uses it and it bothers me. It goes against certain values I have. This is not about jealousy. I have talked to her about this, she understands how I feel about it but wants to keep using it.

 

What can I do in a situation like this? Accepting it or get out of this relationship are the only choices I have?

[Thierro]

Uses like what? Are you referring to the fact that she has account there at all? Or is it that she is in that messed up social rat race, uploading millions of pics wherever she goes to show off how awesome her life must be?

 

She doesn't upload a lot of pictures, but she's constantly checking FB. She spends 2 hours a day on Facebook. Go out, do things with friends you actually care about, don't spend your time wasting on something like Facebook.

 

It actually makes me resent her and it makes me wonder if this is the right girl for me. To be honest, I would love to have a girlfriend that doesn't use Facebook, but is it reasonable to even expect that if hundreds of millions use it?

[Emilia]

She doesn't upload a lot of pictures, but she's constantly checking FB. She spends 2 hours a day on Facebook. Go out, do things with friends you actually care about, don't spend your time wasting on something like Facebook.

 

It actually makes me resent her and it makes me wonder if this is the right girl for me. To be honest, I would love to have a girlfriend that doesn't use Facebook, but is it reasonable to even expect that if hundreds of millions use it?

I think you should look into yourself as to why you have such rigid views on something that gives people a lot of pleasure and comfort in their lives. I have friends on facebook who live on different continents and I enjoy seeing how they get on with their daily lives. They post photos of their children (whom I've never seen in real life) or share major mile stones in their lives. I would either not hear about this without facebook or would not know in such great detail. These are people I deeply care about and being able to follow their lives keeps us connected.

 

If I dated someone who was bothered by this, I would seriously question:

a) whether he tried to control me and shut me off from my friends

b) whether he was a misery-gut

 

Neither would be compatible with my values.

[ltjg45]

She doesn't upload a lot of pictures, but she's constantly checking FB. She spends 2 hours a day on Facebook. Go out, do things with friends you actually care about, don't spend your time wasting on something like Facebook.

 

It actually makes me resent her and it makes me wonder if this is the right girl for me. To be honest, I would love to have a girlfriend that doesn't use Facebook, but is it reasonable to even expect that if hundreds of millions use it?

 

I don't see the problem. Unless she is doing something that is negatively affecting your relationship (which I don't see at all), this is the least of your problems.

 

It's not Facebook that is the problem. It's the people who uses it.

[73Fras]

Is it facebook or do you feel ignored or think she is rude if she is checking it when spending time out with you. I can see where that can be disrespectful if she is constantly checking her phone rather than engaged with you. If so, that's something that makes sense to talk to her about.

[Ripnet]

She doesn't upload a lot of pictures, but she's constantly checking FB. She spends 2 hours a day on Facebook.

 

 

Your issue isn't that she uses facebook but she's constanly checking FB. She is addicted to facebook. I have a facebook account but I don't check it daily. I usually check mine about 3 times to 4 times a week.

 

This is clear sign of addiction and it can lead to problems.

 

 

Craig Kanalley: Addicted To Facebook? It May Be Time To Rethink Your Priorities, Consider A "Facebook Diet"

 

 

'Facebook Addiction' Test Tells You If You're Hooked

[BeyondtheClouds]

She doesn't upload a lot of pictures, but she's constantly checking FB. She spends 2 hours a day on Facebook. Go out, do things with friends you actually care about, don't spend your time wasting on something like Facebook.

 

It actually makes me resent her and it makes me wonder if this is the right girl for me. To be honest, I would love to have a girlfriend that doesn't use Facebook, but is it reasonable to even expect that if hundreds of millions use it?

 

The irony here is that social media, including FB, facilitates getting together with friends as sending messages to friends is a lot faster than snail mail or calling each one individually. Also with the sharing functions, you can be in FB and reading current articles of interest.

 

You may not remember the pre- digital age. But you don't FB to diss people and be anti social. There was the daily newspaper which took my father into another world even as he was at the kitchen table and the 9 o'clock news.

 

Ergo, I would not say specifically that FB is the problem.

 

And btw, what are these values that using FB runs counter to?

[Estate]

Millions of people use social media; Twitter and Facebook in particular. I try to be openminded about it, but I have a hard time accepting and respecting it.

 

My girlfriend uses it and it bothers me. It goes against certain values I have. This is not about jealousy. I have talked to her about this, she understands how I feel about it but wants to keep using it.

 

What can I do in a situation like this? Accepting it or get out of this relationship are the only choices I have?

 

Option C would to stop being "that" guy.

You know... the one who gets a girlfriend and then all of a sudden becomes the worlds must ignorant controlling jerk, thinking he can tell women what to do if they don't live up to his ideals.

 

You're under no obligation to date this girl, infact you SHOULDN'T if she doesn't live up to your ridiculous standards. Let her go, let her go find a guy who just likes who she is.

 

See it's guys like this that I just find incredible... just because they have a girlfriend they think they can do and say anything and she is just supposed to mold herself into anything he wishes... yet it's all about him being the most insecure person... since if he REALLY was such a great dude, he'd let this girl find someone who'd accept HER and go out and find a girl who matches his ideal.

He gets all big headed having a girlfriend yet he knows deep down, if he lost her, he can never replace her so he'll just undermine her at every turn.

 

I mean, even if this was something BIG it would be ridiculous... but you sir... are a pleb. An insecure one at that.

 

How about you go out and find out just how hard dating is, how hard it is to meet quality people and (hahaha) meet a girl who doesn't have facebook.

Go on.... go do it... then report back how well you do.

[atlg8r]

It's unreasonable to expect her to not be on Facebook at all. It is not unreasonable to ask her that she give you some undivided attention at times. So, for example, if you go out to dinner and a movie, it is reasonable to expect that she wouldn't be on her phone during dinner or during the movie. If you're just at home lounging around or watching tv, it shouldn't bother you if she's reviewing it for 20-30 minutes on the couch.

 

I love Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family across the country, but if I go on a date or I'm having a conversation with someone, it would be rude to pick up my phone or get on the computer.

 

There have to be boundaries that come out of respect for each other.

[Estate]

I couldn't find most of the people I knew irl on facebook when I had one for 5 seconds a few years ago. There is a world outside of facebook.

 

Yes, and you'v clearly experienced a lot of the outside world to think it has not changed in 5 years... seriously dude?!?!

 

Honestly though, this guy is just a typcial manipulator dressing himself up as a "nice guy". So what... you want to be a hipster or "fight the system" or whatever... guess what, nobody cares! You're not making a difference.

 

She is on it, her friends are on it.

 

You are just so wrapped up in your own world it's disgusting. I mean, lets say I give up on all social media, all technology, the phones, the apps, the laptops (which strangley for someone so against it, you're happy to use LS?!?!)....

 

 

... I live over 5000 miles away from all of my family and friends... lets say I give up ALL that... what the hell would I do to stay in touch and know what's going on? Send a letter? Seriously? When I could literally open my laptop at any time and SEE and TALK to my family LIVE.!?!

 

You're so typcial man... so typical... I bet you're a young guy, never moved far away from home, settled into some dead end job in your hometown after school/college... hooked up with some girl from your neighbourhood instead of being a man and going out in the world... then come preaching on here about knowing something about the world and bitching that it is unfair.

 

Truth is man, you know nothing... and you don't deserve your girlfriend. If she's your girlfriend then you accept her... if you dont accept her for ANY reason, stop dating her... she's not there to meet all your demands and settle your every whim.

 

What a class act this guy is. Seriously.

[Ruby Slippers]

To be honest, I would love to have a girlfriend that doesn't use Facebook, but is it reasonable to even expect that if hundreds of millions use it?

I don't use Facebook at all, and pretty much every guy I've gotten serious with is the same. I've used it slightly for business purposes, but I've scaled even that back to absolute minimum involvement.

 

The men I date share my concerns about privacy, and have a similar view of it as an unproductive time-sucking activity. And then there's the narcissistic spectacle interpretation.

 

Most of them have never even set up a Facebook account, because they're concerned about privacy, professional image, and data security. And rightly so.

 

So yes, there are definitely men and women who don't use Facebook and specifically click with others who do not. To me, opting out of Facebook is a very, very positive thing!

[Estate]

I don't use Facebook at all, and pretty much every guy I've gotten serious with is the same. I've used it slightly for business purposes, but I've scaled even that back to absolute minimum involvement.

 

The men I date share my concerns about privacy, and have a similar view of it as an unproductive time-sucking activity. And then there's the narcissistic spectacle interpretation.

 

Most of them have never even set up a Facebook account, because they're concerned about privacy, professional image, and data security. And rightly so.

 

So yes, there are definitely men and women who don't use Facebook and specifically click with others who do not. To me, opting out of Facebook is a very, very positive thing!

 

I just think trying to tell someone you are above them by not using facebook is just one of those really smarmy attitudes... like when people are vegan and look down on someone for drinking a glass of milk, or they act superior for not watching TV.

 

Seriously... do what you want to don't look down on people who live life differently!

 

Sure, all of these things above have ways of being misused, but in todays world they are an important part of life. I laught how when I told a real life story of how the social media and apps and all that are very important to both my personal and professional life yet those things are ignored by all.

 

Instead they revert to the old "privacy" scaremongering. People who use this really have no clue what they are talking about.

 

You are NOT under ANY obligation to disclose ANYTHING to ANYONE on these sites. There are lots of legal and privacy documents made VERY public on all of these sites for you to read and understand the implications of you being a part of it and HOW to use it correctly....

 

But at the end of the day it comes down to stupidity, would I write my phone number, my address publicly? No. Would I slag off my boss or co-workers... no! But some people do because they are idiots, not because facebook brainwashed them into writing stupid comments and making them public.

 

There are millions of people online in the world of social media. Are we ALL being spied on by each other? Come on....

Seriously... find one person you know and find their FB profile.... I'd say you can find maybe 50% of them... now try to find something they posted or a picture or anything!?!?! I'd say like 5% and of those 5%... all of those were dumb enough to post all their stuff publicly, which is their own fault.

 

Of the other 95%, try to get access to all their details and come back and tell us how you fared... not very well I can already conclude.

[Star Gazer]

I think using LS is a lot more weird than even being addicted to FB.

 

(And obviously, we're all guilty of that!)

[Woggle]

I don't use it myself but I wouldn't make such a big deal about a woman using it as long as she wasn't having affairs and she didn't post pictures of me.

[GorillaTheater]

I think using LS is a lot more weird than even being addicted to FB.

 

(And obviously, we're all guilty of that!)

 

I don't know, Star. LS is interesting. As opposed to FB, I mean.

 

I have a FB page, and it's a decent enough way to keep up with folks who I don't see very often, but I'm hard-pressed to come up with a reason to get on FB more than once a month or so.

[MrCastle]

Facebook is largely used as a popularity contest/attention whoring

 

"I use it to keep in touch with family and friends"

 

Really? Then explain why you have 530 "friends" but only know 15 of them in real life.

 

If you need to connect with people you don't see often, or at all--you have emails and cell phones. Both of which are capable of sending and receiving pictures if that's your thing.

 

There is a very small group of people that actually use facebook for legit reasons and don't fall into the popularity contest of likes, friends count, and comments.

 

I assume the older they are, the more likely they are to use facebook sparingly and not refresh the page every 15 minutes or check their phone every 15 minutes for updates.

 

Remember, I'm 25, so I'm coming from the place of someone who deals with college chicks and recently out of college chicks every day of my life. These women definitely do not adhere to the "just keeping in touch with family and friends" principle and instead are more of the socialite wannabee "my life is so awesome and I'm incredibly popular" school of social media.

[miss_jaclynrae]

My man hates it.

 

 

He has an Instagram now thanks to me, which he sometimes uses, but he is never on Facebook or anything else.

 

When he met me he said he hated it.

For him, he believes that people don't need to share their life with the world.

WE are still together though, and he has gotten used to it, plus I know where the boundaries are, I don't post much about him or post any pictures of him unless he tells me it is ok.

 

 

 

Something like this, you need to learn how to communicate what you would like and work together on a compromise.

[ASG]

Forums and chat rooms feel more natural. You happen to come across people in a place there for a similar purpose and strike up a conversation a little like irl.

 

FB on the other hand requires a convoluted friending rigmarole to talk to anyone new that feels a lot like a speakeasy where I need the right knock, password, and handshake to get anywhere. One false move and it is curtains.

 

FB is too closed. I prefer the relative openness of forums and chatrooms.

 

Yes, but I for one don't use FB to meet anyone new. Just to keep up with people I *do* know, personally, in real life!

 

I moved countries a few years ago. If it wasn't for FB, I wouldn't know what most of my friends from back home are up to. Sure, with the closest ones I would keep in touch, but what about those not so close friends you still want to keep in touch with?

 

I find FB is great for that!

 

I also tend to catch up with my parents on FB. We have chats every few days and arrange skype dates and so on. If I didn't have it, I'd be spending a whole of a lot more money on international phone calls!

 

My profile is very private. People who aren't my friends can literally only see my profile pic. And if we have no friends in common they can't look for me or add me as friends.

Then, within the friends, I also have different groups, that are allowed to see different things. I wouldn't want work people seeing my drunken pictures, so they don't.

 

In the end, FB is what you make of it. For me, it's a great tool and I spend a lot of time there.

[irc333]

Millions of people use social media; Twitter and Facebook in particular. I try to be openminded about it, but I have a hard time accepting and respecting it.

 

My girlfriend uses it and it bothers me. It goes against certain values I have. This is not about jealousy. I have talked to her about this, she understands how I feel about it but wants to keep using it.

 

What can I do in a situation like this? Accepting it or get out of this relationship are the only choices I have?

 

Thierro,

 

I can't say that I blame you. Facebook should be renamed "Look-At-Me-Book"

 

 

 

"Oh, look at me, I'm going to the gym!"

 

"Oh, look at me I'm going to a restaurant"

 

"Oh, look at what I am eating at the restaurant, I took a picture of it and now posting it on FB".

 

"Oh, look at me and my friends at the nightclub"

 

etc, etc etc.

[Lovezen_30]

Facebook is largely used as a popularity contest/attention whoring

 

"I use it to keep in touch with family and friends"

 

Really? Then explain why you have 530 "friends" but only know 15 of them in real life.

 

If you need to connect with people you don't see often, or at all--you have emails and cell phones. Both of which are capable of sending and receiving pictures if that's your thing.

 

There is a very small group of people that actually use facebook for legit reasons and don't fall into the popularity contest of likes, friends count, and comments.

 

I assume the older they are, the more likely they are to use facebook sparingly and not refresh the page every 15 minutes or check their phone every 15 minutes for updates.

 

Remember, I'm 25, so I'm coming from the place of someone who deals with college chicks and recently out of college chicks every day of my life. These women definitely do not adhere to the "just keeping in touch with family and friends" principle and instead are more of the socialite wannabee "my life is so awesome and I'm incredibly popular" school of social media.

 

OP, I have to say that there is a marked difference in the way my recent ex uses Facebook in comparison to my new guy (who doesn't use it at all) - and I would say it is indicative of other things, though perhaps not always, and perhaps not majorly.

 

My ex would often be like 'oh, I wonder how many likes *X picture* or *X status got* etc and I found it a bit pathetic to be honest. It became a competition of sorts with his friends, and I thought who cares? (though to him it was just a bit of fun, I just didn't care for it personally). However, he was also very insecure and in need of validation, which manifested itself in other ways later.

 

Current beau doesn't even have the site, having deleted it a year ago. My experiences with this man as a result are very much focused in having fun in real life and in the present! He is also much more confident, and sure of himself with no concern to what others think of him (not in an arrogant way though).

[Estate]

And I might add... I'd say 8/10 people who I know in real life or have dated who either do not use facebook or heavily restrict their visibility are people who have things to hide... real life experience.

 

My ex had me pretty blocked down on there but insisted that's all she posted.

She was too dumb to restrict her profile so things that wouldn't show on her timeline, still showed in my newsfeed... she pretty much tagged her way into some pretty embarrassing explainations thinking I wouldn't see.

[Ripnet]

I don't know one single person on my facebook. I might use facebook 2 hours a month at the most. I just read updates and stuff. I rarely use twitter.

Two hours a day is excessive. I wouldn't be surprised she used facebook at work although they try blocking it at work.

 

Ocassional use is fine but 2 hours is way too much. I used to be addicted to facebook, googleplus, and chat rooms/site. I do know when it's excessive and when it's not. Clearly she has facebook addiction issue(s) unless she's using it for work.

[sweetjasmine]

I don't really understand why this would be a big deal in a relationship. FB is a tool, and like any tool, its uses vary from person to person. Making judgments about someone's values and morals based on the fact that they use a social media tool seems really odd and unfair to me. Just as one example out of many, there's a world of difference between the one of my in-laws who always posts about mundane details ("going to work!" ...okay? Congratulations?) and the academic friends of mine who post original articles or link to neat research findings in their field.

[Emilia]

I don't know, Star. LS is interesting. As opposed to FB, I mean.

 

I have a FB page, and it's a decent enough way to keep up with folks who I don't see very often, but I'm hard-pressed to come up with a reason to get on FB more than once a month or so.

I use FB the same way I use the OTT here on LS - as a couple of regulars here who are also on my friendlist on FB can attest . My friends post a lot of nonsense - some more than others - and I comment then go back and forth

 

Though I rarely update my status admittedly.

[sweetjasmine]

In the US, 1/3 of every divorce Facebook is sited in the divorce filing. Not to mention, Facebook is the most subpoenaed company in the world due to divorces / divorce lawyers.

 

Also, take a look in the marriage, divorce, cheating, infidelity, other man / woman and break up forums. Almost every other thread is in regards to their Partners inappropriate use of Facebook (lying, hiding, cheating things you wouldn't want your partner to see, envy, jealously, arguments, greed, Grass is Greener Syndrome, drama, stalking, affairs, etc.).

 

So if Facebook closed up shop today, you're saying that none of the above would happen anymore. It's Facebook that causes and enables these things to happen, and if it didn't exist, people wouldn't lie or cheat anymore.

 

Right.

 

Using Facebook is nothing like drinking or using drugs. If you want an analogy, it's like if a girlfriend was disgusted by her partner playing video games or posting on discussion forums for 2 hours a day. My response to that would be the same: if they're not ignoring you, what's the big deal?