lawfulgood Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) Little back story, I am 28 years old guy and I work shift work. Always will I love my job and what I do, shift work is a part of that. That in its self can make it difficult to date. Along with this, my job (the job), because of what I do what, what I see what I deal with I have a hard time sympathising when my girlfriend and friends have a bad day. Your nightmares are just my Tuesday. I know I have flaws that being one of them. The other big one is a long memory for repeating actions that are hurtful (even if the situation is not the same) as such I tend to look for the same or similar behaviours, sometimes I wonder if they are really their or if I'm finding them because I am looking. Sometimes I wonder if I can never forgive people close to me. Last night I broke up with my girlfriend she is 24 we were dating for 11 months. We have been fighting every 2 to 3 weeks. They are long drawn out fights. The fights are never really about what started the fight, I feel the fights are about her testing me. She is person who pushes the relationship forward, if I am not ready, to her it means I don't love her. Monday night we had a fight about moving in together. I told her I was not ready, she pushed "why are you not ready, what have I done to deserve this?" I took that response as another "why don't you love me test." Last night I sat down with her, I told her it wasn't working and that I no longer have the energy to keep convincing her, to keep validating her feelings. We talked for 3 hours crying. She says the fight was more about if she stay at her place till I was ready or if she should apartment hunt. When I brought up her statement and how it felt like another test. She swears it wasn't. I doubt myself, and now I don't know if it was, or wheather I was looking for it to be test. She loves me so much, and I love her. I just can't keep dealing with being tested and proving myself to her. I feel so guilty for hurting her. I have never been the one who initiates the breakup. Edited June 26, 2013 by lawfulgood
inaya42 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 i'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with your decision. were you ready to move in with your (ex) girlfriend? it sounds a little odd that you two were at the point of discussing it and rather than make a firm decision to look for places together or to wait, you chose to break up. she likely feels that all of her insecurity about whether or not you loved her and her anxiety about your level of commitment to the relationship were confirmed by your leaving her. it sounds very painful all around.
Author lawfulgood Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 When I told her, "I wasn't ready." She made the conversation into about how if I wasn't ready it ment I didn't love her and I was not fully commited to her. Rather then the issue being that I simple was not ready and did not want to take that step. The patern with her has been if you don't do this (random act of kindness or effection) or say this, deep down it means you don't love me. She wount voice these expectations ether just be hurt when I didn't do them. It would take a lot of time and energy and explaining to reasure her that I did love. I just couldn't keep doing that.
emilyd Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Do you ever see her in your life this way? Moving in together is a step forward. It's not marriage, but it is a big step. If you cannot see yourself living with her, ever , then you need to have a bigger conversation. Since you know that is where she wants the relationship to go, you may need to end things for her sake. Don't ever promise her something you can't give her. With that being said - If you CAN see her in your future, and can picture yourself living with her at some point in your life and making a life with her , then let her know. She should feel assured that you love her and that things will move forward when they are meant to. She feels rejected by you, even if you have told her you love her. You're 28, you should have the emotional maturity to sit down with yourself and make a decision for YOU. Be selfish in your decision if you must as you would not be doing her any favors to string the situation along.
Author lawfulgood Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Of course I could. I could see my whole life with her IF she could stop testing and doubting my love and commitment to her.
emilyd Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 You need to tell her that could CAN see a future then. Because she is likely feeling that if you cant see yourself living with her , then you must not see anything else. Assure her that it will happen when it's meant to and that you cannot envision your life with the constant tests and need off reassurance. She needs to know that in order to ease up and relax. Maybe ask her why she feels like she has to test you? Is she insecure with herself, or maybe feels like you don't show her you love her enough. I had this issue with my boyfriend and once it was discussed everything changed for the better. He is also extremely busy with work especially during summer months.
inaya42 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 i hear what you are saying, but sadly breakups indicate the opposite of love and commitment... i think that you should really evaluate if you really want to be with this woman. you indicate that she generally moved the relationship forward, and you bailed at a critical moment. you also indicate that you are very busy and have a hard time dealing with the intense emotional states of your loved ones. do you feel that you and your (ex) girlfriend are compatible? do you have it in you to make this relationship successful and happy?
Author lawfulgood Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 How do we as a couple move forward if every step is turned into a test of my love for her, rather then the steps forward being natural organic process? Or fights about how much I love her or don't happen on an average every two to three weeks. It is mentally and physically exhausting, and other parts of my life our suffering because I am taking focus from that and putting it into proving myself to her.
Njeanne Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I'm confussed as to why you people write these things on forums, but don't say it to your ex. If I were you I would show, or explain to her what you said here. It is always easier to express feelings on a forum then in real infront of your ex, I think you two need some time apart to think positive and then have a bigger chat. She sounds insecure, and she is at fault for most of the things in the relationship, she pushed you in a corner and you felt trapped in a way. Explain it to her that you love her, that she loves you but that the things she were showing the past couple weeks have to disappear. Moving in together doesn't proof that you love her, I've seen may couples moving in together knowing for a fact they already are thinking of breaking up or arent seeing them marrying with that person.
emilyd Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Have an honest talk. A real sit down talk with no tears or accusations. Tell her how she makes you feel when she tests your love and asks a million questions. Tell her it is affecting the relationship and is creating issues that didn't even exist in the first place. After you tell her how you feel, and once you tell her about how you feel about the relationship and that you CAN see her in your life... Ask her to trust you. That's all you can do at this point - it will be up to her to trust that things are great, and not to nag you about the current state of the relationship. Speak with your actions, and if she can learn to trust you then she shouldnt ever need to test you again. It might take some time but if you love her, you will work with her and not against her. Just talk about it.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 OP: Eh???? How is she testing you by wanting to move the relationship forward? Just because you feel like she is moving way too fast, doesn't mean she is "testing" you. Whatever you mean by "testing you"? It makes no sense whatsoever. It seems to me that YOU are manipulating her, by wanting to make her walk on eggshells around you, because you seem to interpret everything as a "test" by her, of your love for her. The fact that you are not ready to move forward in this relationship, and see her as "testing" you when she expresses desire to move forward, indicates that she is correct in that you do not love her and see a future with her, even if you will deny that subconsciously. It seems that you just want confirmation that what she is doing is wrong and that you were right to break up with her. I think she is better off without you, to be honest. 1
Author lawfulgood Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) By testing example: I work a 12 hour shift on my feet its busy but I make time to sneak texts to her. At the end of the day I'm exhausted sweaty and need a show and bed. She wants me to come over. If I say not tonight I am really beat from work, we have a fight about how I don't love her because I won't come over. It has nothig todo with love. It has to do with me being tired. Then we spend 3 analysing why I am tired what do I really mean by saying I am tired, is it code for something. When really all it is, is I had a long day and I am tired. She says she understand. The next time I do see her I spend another hour revisiting the last argument amd how she is sorry for pushing and internalizing it to mean I don't love her enough to come over even when I'm dead from work. Even if I did come over she would interpret my tirdness with not loving her. And we have had many talks serious about how that effects us, how it hurts me when sh questions me. The moving in together is the latest incarnation of that. I could not continue to go through tjat 2 to 3 times a month. This is one thing that she does that breaks the relationship. I have really tried talk to her about it. She acknowledges that does do this and it is harmful to us, but does not know how to stop it or even that she is really do it in the moment when she is doing it. Everything else about her is amazing, she is super supportive, is caring and loving. I Didn't want go a thread without saying something positive about her. Edited June 26, 2013 by lawfulgood
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