Busy Girlfriend and not sure if we broke up or on a break

[Hess]

Hello all,

 

Any advice greatly appreciated. I have been with this girl for almost 2 years, she is a teacher working very long hours and commuting three hours each day in total. I work less than her and work quite locally in London. So there has been a conflict recently in how much time she can give me and how much time I have wanted with her. At one point we planned to move in together and we were in the height of our relationship, in love.

 

Then she started at a new school at the beginning of this year and it was harder to see her as she had to prove herself in her new job. And I complained about needing more quality time etc etc which I realise now has added to her pressure. The last five months were becoming more tense and she started to come round less and fall asleepmas soon as she did. I realise now I have not been too sensitive to stress.

 

Anyway, about a month ago, we met for a walk on Hampstead Heath and she eventually said, "I had not planned to do this today but I think we need to talk" and so we had a long three hour up and down emotional conversation leading to what seemed at the time, a break up, though that was never fully clearly said. The next day we talked on the phone but nothing new came of it, and I assumed we had broken up and felt awful.

 

Then the next day she texted to ask how I was...

 

Then I sent her a silly letter which she said made her laugh but she did not know what to say but should we meetup next week?

 

So we did. And we talked as normal for a couple of hours till she got ready to leave for work the next day. I told her we should talk about this and I have no idea if we have broken up or if we are on a break and so I am in limbo and that I love her. She went quite and said "I don't know" pessimistically. I had sent her a text before the meet up sayi g let's only meet if so ethnic has changed since Hampstead as she knows how I feel. She had said it would be good to see you.

 

But now when we met she went quiet, until we left the restaurant and I took her hand and then I hugged her and eventually managed to get her to kiss me. She seemed a little unsure if it was a good idea. I said I will give her time and she nodded.

 

Then I text her to ask if she would like a date next week when I got home and no reply until 5 am when she said she got home safely. Then the whole week we hardly spoke or texted apart from one text where she said "not ignoring you but bit stressed this weekend not with you by the way". But then nothing from her apart from some how are you, I'm alright texts. Itnwas killing me.

 

So about a week after our meal, I just sent a message saying "can we talk tonight or you can come round and let's just hug". She called me later in the evening and we had a bit of an angry chat and she said I have not been giving her space and she is under pressure. I said it's difficult to know what to do as I don't know if this is over or if it's a break and she has to tell me. She did not tell me but jut said, either way I have not had enough space.

 

So I told myself I will not contact her. I deleted her number so iwas not tempted. But then, two days later she texts saying "how are you? I do not know if I should be sending this message but I hope you are well" I replied simply, and then she said she was okay and marking, so I did not text back as there was nothing to say.

 

Then three days later I grew tempted again and texted her "I hope you are well, it feels wrong not to see how you are doing" but no reply. That was yesterday.

 

What is going on?!?!?!? We had a great relationship before all this. We used to not argue until she started finding it hard to find time. Also we are solely depedant in My flat share as she is still living with family. We are 25 and 32 however.

 

She said she felt the relationship was not moving forward, but I felt it was hard to move this forward unless she let's me in more.

 

Help!

 

Thanks

[Hess]

By the way, in addition she has said that she does not know how she feels about anything at the moment, not just me, plus she used the word detached. I realise she may be very very stressed. But how can I help? Just keeping a distance I guess

[eleve82]

I'm guessing you are 32 and she is 25? The way she is behaving suggests she is very immature.

 

She is right - the relationship is not moving forward and so are you (in being right too) - you can't help things if she doesn't let you in more. The least that needs to happen is for the communication routes to open more. Unless she makes an effort to make you understand what it is she needs from you, you cannot possibly do your part.

 

I would suggest telling her that you'd like to do your part but she needs to as well by opening up. Then, you leave her as much "space" as she could possibly hope for or want - dont contact her, dont ask her how she is!! - and ONLY when she tells you she is ready to let you back in her life should you even bother replying more than courtesy "I am well" to her cryptic messages fishing for attention. Make this condition 100% clear to her. It's no longer on her terms - it's on yours.

 

I am all for second chances but when dealing with confusing and slightly ridiculous behaviour, you have to be the stronger one and set the ground rules.

[eleve82]

Adding to your second note - my ex has said the same thing to me before. You too need to practice a healthy detachment from her. Confused people who lack self confidence generally do not respond well to contact as they don't respond well under what they perceive as "pressure". Clearly her job or whatever other factor is giving her stress which has caused her to back into a cave and shut people off. This behaviour is at best a primitive response to threats and at worst, shows a lack of resilience. You would also need to consider if this sort of person is the kind you admire and respect.

 

Your only hope for sanity is to have a healthy distance from her toxic confusion - don't let it dampen your spirits or outlook on life, keep living for yourself and be clear about what you want and on what terms you will accept it. You do not owe her a responsibility to her well being when she is cutting you out.

[Hess]

Thanks for the reply. Actually she is 32 and I am 26. It's her first proper relationship and my second. I can see that I may have been demanding and needy in the past but I do think that it is getting to a stage where she needs to work out if she wants to keep me close or lose ties from me. I wan to be with her and I want to help her but at the moment I do not know if I can caller my girlfriend or my ex.

 

I do not feel in a position where I am able to call her or text her anything substantial. I'm losing faith that this will turn out okay. She has been so short with me recently and stand offish, bu she will not release me to move on, which is a pretty scary prospect for me. When imcompare her now to the girl of 5months ago, she is quite different in terms of temperament. I really feel she is suffering from stress and anxiety

[Hess]

I forgot to mention that she had called me for a chat a week after Hampstead Heath, and we just talked normally, no mention of the breakup, she seems to hate talking about it but still want some sort of tie to me. It seems like I need to just ride it out. But it seems quite unhelpful of her not to just say t me, it's a busy time, can you give me four weeks etc etc.

 

I said on the deco d phone conversation where she became angry that. Still thinkof hr as my girlfriend. I give her so many opportunities to tell me it's over etc etc but she does not take them.

[aloneinaz]

She's lost interest in you or the relationship. You don't run away from the people in your life that you love. You don't make excuses why you can't spend time with them due to work or stress. Think about it. If you're stressed and tired, wouldn't you WANT to be with the person in your life to comfort you, hold you and tell you it will get better? I do.

 

There's lists of "signs your girlfriend is losing interest or about to dump you" all over google. She's displaying two of the top ones.

 

Your best bet is to leave her alone, go no contact and try to move on. Continually texting with her or telling her you want to talk is only damaging any chance you MIGHT have in her coming back. You need to stop replying to her attention seeks "how are you" texts. If you must, you could send her one last text that states you're moving on, wish her luck and ask that she no longer contacts you. Then disappear from her life. Let her see how her life will be w/out you in it. If she doesn't contact you again, then you were right to do it. If she contacts you again saying she misses you or wants to try again, then you can make the decision is you want to see her again or not.

 

But, you need to move forward with the understanding that its over. Heal from it and do your best to move on w/you life. I know it's hard as heck, but this happens to millions of people everyday.

[eleve82]

It's almost worse that's she's older than you and acting like this.. But the plus side of it is that you are still (very) young and have less to lose than she does (in terms of time). I don't recommend going NC before making it clear what you need from her (a commitment to start communicating better with the aim of working it out).

[Hess]

I have to say that I am not ready for NC yet. Maybe little contact but No Contat feels too harsh on her, but I feel that I definately have to be very distant from her. I do not understand how this has happened really. I do get the impression that if it does end, she will regret it later but knowing her she will end up not acting upon her feelings.

 

From my understanding she just feels emotionless about everything.

[Hess]

Also she is currently Preparing for a driving test and having some issues with family. I think she.feels alone and is alienating her self to protect her self. She is not used to letting people in having not had someone this close to her in 30 years so I do not think she knows how to deal with this. Bit yes I think I need to keep my distance, be prepared for the worse and in two weeks or so say it's time to either come round and let bygones be bygones or to decide this is over.

 

I sent her a silly long poem yesterday, a very jokey one, but no reply. She normally enjoys that sort of thing. I did not expect her to reply, but it said that I hope she will come round when its calmed down. I think it's defiantly time to not text and if she texts me to let her know that she needs to be more consistent and know what she wants before contacting me.

 

Stressful!!

[Chi townD]

I forgot to mention that she had called me for a chat a week after Hampstead Heath, and we just talked normally, no mention of the breakup, she seems to hate talking about it but still want some sort of tie to me.

 

 

HI FRIEND ZONE!!!!

 

She seems fine talking to you about anything other than your relationship with her. You bring it up and she gets upset....BUT! day to day stuff is okay.

 

She's "friend zoning" you.

 

Time to heal and move on. You're not her friend. You were something more than that and now she want to reclassify your status in her life as just a friend. Sorry, your not her friend.

[Hess]

Update. I have been finding I difficult. I texted her after three days of nom contact and just said I hope you are okay, it feells wrong not tomask how you are keeping, no reply, next day I sent a very silly poem which she is used to fro me and it said that I hope when things calm down it would be nice to see her. It made it clear i still am interested in her. No reply.

 

Then next day again, I sent her antext saying come round after work and we just hug andnrelax and try ti get close again. I then tried to call but it was on answer phone so i assume her phone was out of battery which is oftennthe case or she was on the underground home. I eventually called her and said can we talk in a text? No reply until a bit later when she said she left her phone on charge as she popped out for a bit. She called a little later and we just talked normally. She said she ws not sleeping well and she has been working lots.

 

I think it's quite clear she is either truly stressednand unsure what she treks, or she is just too scaredbto say it's over. Either way, not great!

 

Did no contact her today. It's a shame it's not working out. Definitely time for a period of no contact unless she gets inntouch.

[Hess]

Update. We spoke on the phone, I asked for a chat, four days ago. We talked normally before she went to bed. Did not talk about relationship. I had asked her in a text earlier to come round after work but we did not mention this.

 

After this we have not spoken or texted each other at all. I know I have to wait for her to make the next move. It's now almost been 5 weeks since we first had our chat and three since we last saw each other.

 

I suppose I am waiting for her to ask to meet up either to continue as normal or to end it properly. I do not want to pressure her as she says this is what I have been doing.she wants tom decide how she feels without my view on it.

 

What I forgot to mention before is that before we talked about all this we had toyed without the idea of ending the relationship. I had said it once or twice to test where she was at as she felt so distant. I know it's due to her work and my taking it personally that she is busy. She said she had been going through her mind for two weeks none stop trying to work out if splitting up was for the best but that she was not sure and that is why she is so unclear.

 

Is it over? I need to wait and see her own conclusion really. I have been doing lots of introspection and I can see where I may have been unsupportive and hard to communicate with. I can also see how I may have been too dependant on her. However I know this is mendable. I just want to know her feelings and then I can be safe to relax a bit.

[Simon Phoenix]

If it's not over now, it's going to be over soon if you continue to contact her and play the role of the gay best friend. Seriously, you aren't doing any favors by continuing to contact her and showing no self-control in that respect. She wants space -- give it to her.

[Hess]

I know, you are very right - but it is so hard since it is so undefined. But if it is not over that is fine - I have gone into panic mode as it feels over to me. I want her to miss me.

 

I need to cool it. She definately has valid reasons - I may be a bit too dependable on her and I need to sort this - but in many ways this is not helping me to do so! I need to feel confident in her feelings for me to then back off.

 

Psychology!

[Chi townD]

Dude, sorry. But, my Spidey senses are tingling. I think that might be another guy in the picture. probably somebody she's working with. You said she's a school teacher, well, the school is only open so many hours during the day. So, why is she working soooo late? Most teachers do their lesson plans and grading at home.

 

I don't know, dude. I'm just getting that feeling. You could ask her about it, but she'll probably lie to you.

[HopelessRomantick]

Many have given good advice on this already so I will keep it short and simple.

 

Heed their advice to ultimately go NC and move on but I would [as others suggested] get clarity for confirmation that it is over.

 

She is probably days away from dumping you but doesn't know how to take that step. You take the "mature" lead and get this clarity and then if you feel moving on is appropriate then YOU let her go and start NC. Don't let it happen the other way around. It will be worse for you.

 

Good luck.

[Hess]

Right! Update!

 

Have not gone the NC route. We have been texting eachother about one text each a day, just asking how each other are etc. She tends to reply at 11 at night andjust the one tet as if to make sure she is keeping some distance and respect for the break.

 

On Sunday, I decided I will text her to ask to meet and said that Mex Fest is on if she fancies it. I teted at 11 at night. NNEt evening she replies "What is a mefest?" I reply and tell her its the meican film festival (She loves South America etc).I tell her to choose a film she may want to see. She says "I will look into it, when are you back from Wales?" I tell her.

 

Next Day she texts me "Is Monday okay?" (after the Mexfest). Then straight away another text "I forgot that it is my colleagues leaving drinks on Friday and I have to take my French change to school that day" Then quickly another text "And on Saturday (I work in the day) I have to goto the Head of RE's house and on Sunday I am going to Wireless Festival with my cousin and brother. Will Monday be okay?"

 

I said Monday is fine and what did she want to do. Should I find something fun or you?" She said we can both look into it and I did not reply. Think I will leave it till Saturday to suggest something.

 

But what do you think is going on? a genuine chance to have a nice time and see how it goes or is it likely to be her chance to tell me its over? It has been very confusing. We have been in touch most days but she never seems too excited but she has had plenty of opportunities to say its over. She knows my intentions when I am asking her out, I have made it very clear I am after a relationship with her.

 

Fingers crossed

[Renard99]

I'm afraid I agree with the others here. She's acting like you're friends. Your intentions maybe to ask her out for a date but she seems to be viewing them more as 'play dates' and days out. You say it yourself, she's keeping you at a distance. A distance that equates to friendship.

 

You either need to lay it down straight and say 'what is going on with us?' or just leave the relationship well alone and go NC.

 

I know it's hard to do, especially as you fear that leaving her alone will be letting her slip away, but the alternative will be to live in this limbo where you always have her as company but you're not 'together'

[Hess]

MAybe I am being too hopeful but if I know this girl I think she is just trapped with in her own doubts. I have made it clear I am not after friendship. I think this is either a let's give it a go moment or a I will tell you its over moment.

 

The last time we talked about all this she said give her time, and I have now so now its crunch time. I will make sure she knows I am not after friendship, it would hurt too much to be just friends. I would really need to get over her.

 

I have also given her so many chances to say its over and not once has she taken them

[Hess]

Also we said we will both look into what we will do on the meetup so I will leave it to see if she suggests anything, and if not I am thinking a picnic with a slight romantic undertone. sSo she will get the message and will have to work out what she wants from that

[AlexDP]

She did not tell me but jut said, either way I have not had enough space.

 

 

I get this space thing. I really do. Hell, I'll never tell my girlfriend, but sometimes, yeah, I prefer to do things without her. However, most of the time I really do want to do stuff with her. And we can go on a 25 day roadtrip without a care in the world. If either one of us would ever say: "you know what, I need some space", I'd consider the relationship dead.