Hurt

[Imsohurt]

After 14 years of marriage and three kids I found out my husband cheated on me for over the past 3 years. I have a 2y/o so he cheated during my whole pregnancy. And brought me an STD. When it came out he swore it was over yet he continued the affair. He said because I am so wishy washy he did not stop. Even now he continues to have a relationship with her. I am so fed up with this crap. Everyday he blames me for him cheating. Said I'm always talking negative and never see what I did to cause this.

 

Years before his affair, I admit that I told him I was unhappy and another man could do what he did not want to do. I said this for years, then I lied like another man was doing all the things I asked him to do. I take all my money and make sure he and the kids have before me. Not a thanks, or anything. I would go without a coat in the winter, long pants, etc. I went to work, got off to my second job, then got two Master's Degrees. Trying to better myself for my family.

 

The betrayal is so unrealistic. Six months and he continues to treat me like it's all my fault. He knew I was not cheating, but he knows I can divorce him so he is holdingbon to her. It's like a never ending battle 4 me. And I know the devil is all up in my family, trying to tear apart what God has given me, and I don't want to give him the satisfaction. My husband refusesbyo divorce me. I told him if I was such a bad person why does he stay with me? He can't give me a straight answer.

 

I'm just tired of being lonely and depressed. And I don't want a divorce, I love him. He thinks I hate him and will leave him and take the kids. But, vengeance is the Lord's and I'm sure he can do better than anything I could. As they say Karma is a b!@ch....

[CarrieT]

Everyday he blames me for him cheating. Said I'm always talking negative and never see what I did to cause this.

That is known as "Gaslighting." Google it. You are NOT responsible for his cheating and don't let him talk you into believing it...

 

I'm sorry you love him so much you are willing to put up with his abuse. No one deserves that kind of pain.

 

I hope you eventually think better of yourself to put up with it and treat yourself better than he is treating you...

[aliveagain]

Is his affair partner married? Regardless if she is married or not, expose her for what she is. Talk to a lawyer, you need to protect your children, you need to protect yourself. Start the process, if he is still in his affair you have one too many people in your marriage. Most people fear divorce because they fear the loss of their spouse but if they are actively in an affair, you have already lost them, so why fear loosing something that is already gone? There are things far worse than divorce, sharing him with other women is one of them. You need to tell him he is free to date anyone he wishes to, he just can't do it as your husband. Nothing will pull his head out of his ass faster than being served. You deserve better but if you do decide to give him another chance, the divorce process can be stopped anytime up to the final decree.

[AbeNormal]

Years before his affair, I admit that I told him I was unhappy and another man could do what he did not want to do. I said this for years, then I lied like another man was doing all the things I asked him to do.

 

Sounds like you might have found the perfect recipe to destroy a man's well being as pertains to his sense of "manhood". But that is just based upon the few words you have written, and my interpretation of those words. If I am even in the right ballpark, then you must know that you have been abusive to this man as concerns his psyche. Please tell us that I have misread/mis-interpreted that... (Also, please note that I am not at all excusing his behaviour.)

Edited June 26, 2013 by AbeNormal

[So happy together]

I am sorry you are in such a huge amount of pain.

 

May I ask why it is that you choose to stay? Do you feel trapped in some way, is it your comfort zone, or do you stay for love?

[BetrayedH]

This is going to seem very counterintuitive but honestly, the best chance you have to reconcile with your husband is to file for divorce. Sometimes this the the wake-up call that his fantasy world is falling apart and he has to make serious decisions before he loses his wife and family. As was pointed out earlier, if he shows true remorse and earns back your trust, then you can always halt the proceedings. Unless you change something, nothing is going to change.

 

As for the religious aspect, infidelity is the one time the bible permits a divorce. Staying with an unfaithful man is not what God wants for you. Unfortunately, using God as an excuse to stay is your own rationalization because you're desperate to keep your family intact; it's a stage of grief called, bargaining.

 

It's time for you to show your husband that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. Lean on your family and friends; I'm guessing you will find support within your church. And I would bet they would all support you takig a tougher stance. Heck, if someone told you this story, you would support a tougher stance, too.

[JustAReformedGirl]

After 14 years of marriage and three kids I found out my husband cheated on me for over the past 3 years. I have a 2y/o so he cheated during my whole pregnancy. And brought me an STD. When it came out he swore it was over yet he continued the affair. He said because I am so wishy washy he did not stop. Even now he continues to have a relationship with her. I am so fed up with this crap. Everyday he blames me for him cheating. Said I'm always talking negative and never see what I did to cause this.

 

Regardless of any problems you two have had in the relationship, they are not justification for his infidelity. He is clearly not mature enough to take responsibility for his actions.

 

Years before his affair, I admit that I told him I was unhappy and another man

could do what he did not want to do. I said this for years, then I lied like

another man was doing all the things I asked him to do.

 

I'll admit, that was extremely cruel and insensitive of you. In what way did you make it seem another man was fulfilling those roles?

 

 

I take all my money and make sure he and the kids have before me. Not a

thanks, or anything. I would go without a coat in the winter, long pants, etc. I

went to work, got off to my second job, then got two Master's Degrees. Trying to

better myself for my family.

 

While the monetary sacrifice for your children is expected, you shouldn't have felt you had to give him money, too. As a family unit, you all need to be taken care of; that includes taking care of yourself.

 

The betrayal is so unrealistic. Six months and he continues to treat me like

it's all my fault. He knew I was not cheating, but he knows I can divorce him so

he is holdingbon to her.

 

This brings me back to my earlier question, about you making it appear to him another man was doing what he wouldn't. If he knew you weren't cheating, then he was aware that you were playing a very cruel jealousy game. And yes, what you did was cruel. However, that is not the reason he cheated, and he needs to stop blaming you for it. Yes, you probably should have dealt with those past issues in a different manner-but what's done is done. I have to ask, though; did you ever make peace with him for how you hurt him? Again, he's not justified in what he's done, but perhaps he still feels resentment toward you. Otherwise, I cannot conceive of why he's being so cruel with his affair; waving it in your face, yet refusing to end it-whether ending the marriage, or the affair.

 

My husband refuses to divorce me. I told him if I was such a bad person

why does he stay with me? He can't give me a straight answer.

 

Pretty much brings up my last point again. He refuses to end the affair, but he also refuses to divorce. He's certainly cake-eating, but the manner in which he's doing it is very cruel, indeed. You know about it, and it's like he doesn't even care.

 

I'm just tired of being lonely and depressed. And I don't want a divorce, I love him. He thinks I hate him and will leave him and take the kids. But, vengeance is the Lord's and I'm sure he can do better than anything I could. As they say Karma is a b!@ch....

 

This can't go on much longer. I think it's time you sit down and have a very serious, open, and honest discussion with him. Ask him why he continues with the affair, yet won't divorce you. Tell him about how you're feeling-not just about the affair, but about the entire marriage. If you're sorry for your past behaviour, make sure he knows it, but also make it perfectly clear that those events have nothing to do with his choices. He needs to man up, and take responsibility for what he's done.

 

If you both agree to try and salvage the marriage, he needs to end the affair, ASAP. MC will probably do you both a world of good.

 

If reconciling isn't in the cards, divorce really might be the only way to go. Can you really live this way? Can you really stay with him through all of this, while he continues to betray you, over and over?

[Confused48]

Of course he wants you. Of course he can't tell you why. The reasons are so bad he can't tell you but it is obvious. He needs your money and while he can have a girl on the side and have you support him, why would he not want to continue that. Keep it up and you will be paying him life time spousal support after he does leave you.

 

A couple of people here have asked you why do you want him? That is truly a mystery.

[Imsohurt]

My husband has a job. He not a dead beat Dad, he pays bills and provides us with a home I picked out. But, he can't do it all, just like I can't. So, in the end iI am the one doing the grunt work to make sure my family has everything. He might be a cheater, but he is a good man. So, when I got the kids there clothing and things I would get his.

 

Yes, I told him I was sorry about my part. About the lies I told. He took them as the truth, and that was my fault. I willingly take that blame. At the same time I did tell him I tried to reach out to him, and he ignored me. I felt that he was having a affair at the time he was so detached from me, and that was why I lied. To see if he cared, I got no reaction at all. He never lead me to believe he cared, or even loved me anymore.

 

No, she is not married, so I out of luck there. I'm doing all I can to get through this. I helped cause it, I'm just hoping he will see I am really sorry for what I did. And , if it is as he says then he will end it soon with her in everyway.

[Imsohurt]

Sounds like you might have found the perfect recipe to destroy a man's well being as pertains to his sense of "manhood". But that is just based upon the few words you have written, and my interpretation of those words. If I am even in the right ballpark, then you must know that you have been abusive to this man as concerns his psyche. Please tell us that I have misread/mis-interpreted that... (Also, please note that I am not at all excusing his behaviour.)

 

We promised that we would communicate, 'cause that was the #1 reason marriages failed. I kept trying 2 tell him. I just started getting desperate after our son died and he left me emotionally by myself, I felt like he left me all together and found another woman. He said things 2 about having a girlfriend.

[CarrieT]

He might be a cheater, but he is a good man.

^^ WRONG ^^

 

I wish spouses of cheaters would stop saying these things to mentally justify their spouses.

 

A "good man" does not cheat. Stop trying to make excuses for his behavior. He is NOT a good man. He may do good things for you financially - but that is another things entirely. Separate his financial actions from his marriage/interpersonal communications actions.

[AbeNormal]

^^ WRONG ^^

 

I wish spouses of cheaters would stop saying these things to mentally justify their spouses.

 

A "good man" does not cheat. Stop trying to make excuses for his behavior. He is NOT a good man. He may do good things for you financially - but that is another things entirely. Separate his financial actions from his marriage/interpersonal communications actions.

 

I presume it doesn’t matter whether it is a man or a woman.

 

My wife, the mother of my children, and a person everyone loves – is over caring for my elderly mother now.

 

But you have made it clear – cheat once and you are a bad person - no possible redemption... And I guess I am an idiot to attempt reconciliation (no matter what are our personal details – those clearly are not needed/relevant in this discussion).

 

In my view, my wife certainly continued to "behave badly" when she gaslighted me and when she oh-so-painfully trickled-truthed me - as she could not face her shame and did her best to compartmentalize every aspect of her wayward behaviour. Very, very painful actually. But when she finally came clean she was so ... I can't even describe it...

 

Let's just say she was back to being the woman I married. I'm not yet back to being the man she married, but we have a partnership and we will get there.

 

I guess I'm just not so sure things are as simple as you portray them to be.

Edited June 29, 2013 by AbeNormal

[AbeNormal]

Tried to do a final edit to my post last night but was too late.

 

Just to clarify, the "cheat once" is as opposed to a true serial cheater.

 

But maybe, more significantly - I now think that my recent posts (like the one above) - that are typically made while exhausted and feeling down - might not actually be about debating an earlier poster (in this case CarrieT).

 

They just might be about me debating myself. Trying to convince myself (and attempting to quell my anger, humiliation, loss of self esteem, etc.)...

 

Sorry about that.

 

Infidelity sucks.

Edited June 30, 2013 by AbeNormal