18 and has a hard head

[MMY]

for the last 5 years I have not had much of a relationship with my daughter. I am now 46 and she is 18. She has been dating a 21 year old for a few years not. He does'nt have a job and lives with his parents. She just graduated HS and starts college in Aug.

 

I had hoped this was a phase and she and I could have a great father daughter relations but it is getting worse with every day.

 

Has anyone had the same issue. Please ask questions and I will respond when I can.

 

Thanks,

[knitwit]

I could be totally off-base with this, but does she know about your affair? Or does she feel you've treated her mother badly, if she doesn't know?

 

My SIL did not speak with her dad for nearly half a decade after he left for his AP when she was 18. It took several more years before she would talk to his partner (they got married, and are still married today.)

 

Even now, nearly 20 years later, she doesn't have any pictures of him in her house, but she has pics of everyone else. Her dad has noticed and asked her about it, but she just rolls her eyes.

 

Still, at least they have a relationship now. For my SIL it just took a lot of time.

[Balzac]

The summer prior to college is tumultuous.

 

My best buddy & a I took a 6 week trip to Africa. It was a group of non Americans, we were the youngest. It kept us outta trouble locally. We could legally drink. We endured course registration before our departure.

 

Ever think of a travel adventure w your daughter?

[MMY]

I could be totally off-base with this, but does she know about your affair? Or does she feel you've treated her mother badly, if she doesn't know? No she doesn't. my W and I don't fight but she knows the past several years that we never really would do things together.

 

My SIL did not speak with her dad for nearly half a decade after he left for his AP when she was 18. It took several more years before she would talk to his partner (they got married, and are still married today.)

What is SIL ?

Even now, nearly 20 years later, she doesn't have any pictures of him in her house, but she has pics of everyone else. Her dad has noticed and asked her about it, but she just rolls her eyes.

 

Still, at least they have a relationship now. For my SIL it just took a lot of time.

Thanks for you reply

[MMY]

The summer prior to college is tumultuous.

 

My best buddy & a I took a 6 week trip to Africa. It was a group of non Americans, we were the youngest. It kept us outta trouble locally. We could legally drink. We endured course registration before our departure.

 

Ever think of a travel adventure w your daughter?

I think it would do us good if we could take off to the beach together but I don't think she would so it. Thanks for the reply

[knitwit]

Thanks for you reply

 

SIL= Sister in law. What really ticked her off was how badly her dad treated her mom.

 

Again, I could be totally off-base, but maybe she is going through something like what I went through. I, too, had a lot of resentment for my dad as a teenager because I thought he just didn't do much for or with my mom at all; my sister and I both believed that she would have been better off divorcing him.

 

My dad didn't do anything wrong, per se, but as a teenager I pushed him away, I definitely did not want to be in a relationship like they had. Since I identified with my mom, I think I kind of unconsciously punished him. I didn't have much respect for him at the time.

 

That changed after I left home and went to college. I grew up a bit and came to have a more balanced perspective. I had a great relationship with him from my 20s and up. Ironically, I ended up marrying someone a LOT like my dad, we joke about it all the time! But, my DH has the good characteristics of my dad, and not the less good, LOL.

 

Hopefully, being away from home, and being independent, and just growing older will be a help for her too.

 

And congrats on having a college-bound HS grad!

[Snowflower]

I second the congratulations on the college-bound HS grad!

 

MMY, I wrote in your other thread. There is the same situation in my family except I am in your wife's shoes. But, I see it between my H and our daughter.

 

Anyway, the suggestion about trying to take a trip with your daughter is a good one. No matter what your relationship, she will be going away in the fall and things won't be quite the same. Try taking her to the beach. Even if she resists at first, keep trying. If she goes to the beach (just a suggestion) and is sullen with you, keep trying! Try something else the next time--lunch together somewhere.

 

The rift between you won't likely be breached after 1-2 outings, but keep trying!

[turnera]

Ask her to do some things with you where you'll be working side by side. Like fixing up an old car to give her, or doing a vegetable garden, or walking the dog. Find ways to spend time with her, with NO expectations. Just BE with her. Talk about anything and everything. Let her see who you are. She really has no idea, as she's been busy with her own life, as is typical. Let her get to know you all over again. SHOW her you are a good person, with good morals and good ideas and lots of love for her - again, with NO expectation of anything from her. At her age, she suspects all adults want something from her; prove her wrong. It won't get fixed overnight.

 

And make plans, if she's going away for college, to go WITH her to set up her dorm or just to hang out with her on the weekend before school starts. Start building up those good memories.

[MMY]

Ask her to do some things with you where you'll be working side by side. Like fixing up an old car to give her, or doing a vegetable garden, or walking the dog. Find ways to spend time with her, with NO expectations. Just BE with her. Talk about anything and everything. Let her see who you are. She really has no idea, as she's been busy with her own life, as is typical. Let her get to know you all over again. SHOW her you are a good person, with good morals and good ideas and lots of love for her - again, with NO expectation of anything from her. At her age, she suspects all adults want something from her; prove her wrong. It won't get fixed overnight.

 

And make plans, if she's going away for college, to go WITH her to set up her dorm or just to hang out with her on the weekend before school starts. Start building up those good memories.

Thanks so much for the kind words and suggestions. I will do my best.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

MMY,

 

This could be a couple things. Normal rebellion, maybe. Teenage girls are a handful.

 

But, I have to say that I have known a ton of families in your situation and exactly 100% of the kids in that age range knew or suspected the affair. In many cases they saw signs that the spouse did not, sometimes they heard rumors (friends of friends of thir parents or the AP), or saw something that made them suspect. I remember one of my best friends coming across a gift (maybe it was the receipt) that was never received by her mother. She was angry for a long long time, with both her parents. I don't believe she ever told anyone but me that she knew she was 12.

 

You were with your AP a long time, your emotional and physical absence was certainly felt, there is no telling what she saw or heard. You have been grieving your AP and I am certain your wife has also been suffering from your LTA in some way, nobody is that good of an actress. I don't say this to rub your nose it it, I just think it is very nearly impossible to believe that your family, friends and especially your children were not aware that something was very wrong. That's what I meant in your other thread about affairs impacting the whole family.

 

I say this because dating an older guy can be a sign of trying to develop father figure relationship. Gosh, not a great thing, but going the direct route with a teenage girl will always end ugly.

 

That said, it's not something that cannot be repaired. If you are committed. She will notice your participation in the family. Se may balk until she is sure you intend to stick it out and not bail.

 

But lets just say for the sake of argument, that she doesn't know. If you take her out for coffee/dinner and say something like, I have not been the best husband, or even the best father, but I am committed to change. I know that you are growing up and are starting to have your own life, but I would like to spend some time alone together before you go off to college. How about we go to xyz next weekend?

 

Without getting into any details, you take responsibility, you make clear you are commiited to be better, and you ask to spend time with her, she can take that to mean whatever based on what she knows, whatever that is.

 

It's a start.

 

And hope things are going well for you and your wife. I am pulling for you.

[MMY]

Thanks for the comments. She and I have had issues for years and my A lasted 18 mths. I will continue to work on it but boy is it difficult.