ConfusedButStrong Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Hi, I have been reading these forums for a little while now, and it has become clear that not only have many people been through my situation, but also that there are alot of caring people on here with alot of good advice and I thought that maybe some of you may be able to help me sort my thoughts out... I apologise in advance for this long post... I have been separated from my husband for over a year. We married in October 2011 - after being together for 7 and a half years. I discovered his affair in May 2012. I kicked him out of the house the day I discovered his affair - that had commenced in February 2012. He then started a relationship with his AP not long after. I know he went on dinners with her, a holiday with her - don't think they lived together but know he admitted to a "relationship" with her. In July 2012 - when I discovered they had booked a holiday together - in my mind that was it. I was on a holiday (supposed to be with my husband but of course after I found out - went with a good friend instead) - so when I arrived home, I changed my number, moved out of our shared home and arranged for him to move his things out. Up till this point - I had begged him to talk to me. I had wanted him to not have contact with his AP and work on things with me. He had refused and said he was confused. That he loved me but liked her and couldnt' decide. In late July - when it was arranged that he move his things from our place - i saw a change in his contact with me. Up till then the contact from him (he still had my email address) - had been full of anger and hatred. But I guess when he saw I was really moving on - he started asking to talk to me. From July till now - his emails and letters (he sent letters to my parents house as he didn't know where I was) begged for me to talk to him, that he was sorry, etc etc. However - when I did write back - I made it very clear there would be no communication from me, or in fact acknowledgement of his existence as long as his AP was in his life. He couldn't ever say with 100% conviction she wasn't in his life - so I continued refusing to talk to him or see him. I moved on (or thought I had) with my life - moved away from my home for a while, felt better about things, even started seeing someone else. The emails continued however, begging for me to talk to him. ANd as always - i always refused as long as he coudln't say the OW wasn't in his life. In the last couple of months though - after he received correspondence from my lawyers - he at last has said she is no longer in his life. So, Stupidly or not - i have been in contact with him. We have met once. It was hard. And i am thinking of trying to reconcile - with counsellors of course.. I guess I still love him. But I don't know if I'm being played here... He states that in July/August - their relationship ended. That she had a nervous breakdown and went away to live with her parents and from then on it was truly over. He states that their relationship was never "real" that he was miserable the whole time and even on their holiday together he was thinking of me. He states that he slept with her around 8 times, the last time being in December - and they slept together cause they were both lonely and he thought i would never talk to him again. He states he started the affair not because of her, but because he was unhappy with us - and that i never listened to his problems. He says he's sorry and he realises now what he lost when I left. He states he will never cheat again and never betray me again. I want to believe him. I do believe he's sorry. But I have a feeling he's more sorry about what he's lost, and more sorry that his AP turned out to be crazy... than that he's sorry about what he's done to me... I don't know what to do. He has a history of depression. And is on medication and is seeing a psychiatrist regularly. He is unable to answer my questions and talk to me about the affair for prolonged periods of time because he says it makes him depressed and want to kill himself. Although I understand this - it's terribly frustrating as I feel that it's HIM that needs to do alot of hard work to earn my trust and respect back. I feel he is not strong enough to do the work to help me heal from the betrayal. Yet i still love him. I'm sorry if this post and my story is confusing and there are lots of bits missing to the story - i didn't want to make it too long.. Just wondering if there's any advice anyone out there can offer me??... Thank you..
BetrayedH Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I'm not usually one to discourage people from reconciling. But your post gives me a lot of hesitation. You were married only a few months before he strayed. You should have still been in a honeymoon period. With such a short and traumatic marriage, I'm guessing you don't have children together. The combination of cheating within the first year and the lack of children to consider pretty typically leads me to say to cut your losses. A divorce would be relatively simple compared to splitting years of shared assets and children. But I think the clincher is that he cannot talk to you about the affair. You cannot sweep an affair under the rug. You cannot go around it; you must go through it. And it takes 2-5 years of hard work. You are absolutely right that he must be the one to do the heavy lifting. And on top of all of this, it's fairly apparent that you were his back-up plan when his OW went batshi t crazy. How lovely for you to be his second choice. Look, you deserve to be someone's first choice. How many months did he refuse to extricate her from his life, only to return to you when she left him? You deserve better. Look, I know you love him. I loved my (ex)wife, too. But in these situations, you truly have to make decisions with your head instead of your heart. Of course, you can make the choice to attempt reconciliation. But I sure hope you make him work like hell before he has any guarantees. There's a good thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. That should give you a good idea of what to expect from him. Personally, I hope you save yourself a lot of trouble since you're halfway out of this damn mess already. 5
veryhappy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 He states that he slept with her around 8 times, the last time being in December - and they slept together cause they were both lonely and he thought i would never talk to him again. Yeah, right...I recommend you talk to her if you want to hear the other side of the story. If it didn't work out, she likely no reasons to lie to you.
Author ConfusedButStrong Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 BetrayedH - thank you for your reply.. It always helps to hear an outsiders perspective.. No we don't have children And yes - I agree - we were only married for months before he cheated. This is something I'm finding very hard to come to terms with myself.. He did say that he somehow felt "forced" into marriage - I did say to him after being together for over 6 years that marriage was something I wanted. That it was important to me. I told him that if it wasn't something he wanted to do with me, then i would be devastated, but that he should leave me so I could find someone who had similar wants for the future. Is that "forcing" someone? Also - it's not that he doesn't talk to me about the affair. He does. And i think he is trying to be honest and open with me about it. It's just that he has to stop me every now and then when he states it's "all too much" for him and that it makes him feel "suicidal".. He says that I attack him when I'm asking questions about the affair. I do ask him about particular details of the affair - eg where, when etc... but I do not think I'm "attacking" him as such. Sometimes I do admit that my texts/emails to him degenerate into saying he's horrible or despicable - I know that's wrong of me - but to a certain extent shouldn't he expect that from me? A little at least??... I am just worried that despite his intentions - he's just to mentally and emotionally unstable and weak to be able to work through this with me. That he will be unable to do what I need from him to get through this. Is that unreasonable or selfish of me?... I mean if I do agree to reconcile I realise that I too have to do some work and be considerate but shouldn't he have to do the majority of the work?? He states that I am able to ask anything and that he is willing to do anything for me... but when it comes to his actions - i'm not so sure. He's always stating he can't answer my questions when he's busy at work... shouldn't I come before his work? Is it unreasonable of me to expect that he puts me before anything?.. And yeah I can see what you're saying about me being the "second choice"... that's the thing. I know what i'm worth. I know I deserve better. She was nothing compared to me. I can only think that she was there, and desperate and saying the right things to him when he felt vulnerable. As for the continued contact with her - i'm still waiting for a reasonable explanation. He states that he was lonely and had no one else. He also says that he was miserable the whole time with her...that really makes no sense to me. He states that he only kept in contact with her cause I wouldn't talk to him...despite the fact I wrote to him on NUMEROUS occasions stating I would have nothing to do with him if he continued contact with her.. He says he had nothing to do with her for months - and wrote to tell me that - but despite this I would still not speak to him - so he lost hope and contacted her again... is that even believable? Argh... sorry i'm just going round and round in circles here... I guess I'm just wondering why I want to believe him so much and work on this so much...when I'm a smart girl and know what I'm worth and know he did wrong...and he just seems to be all talk and no action...he promises the world and delivers nothing. Why would he persist in begging me to talk to him from July last year till now... if he didn't love me?.. Why beg me to talk to him when having her in his life the whole time??... Is going to a counsellor together even going to help us? or should I run now when i'm already halfway out...??...
Author ConfusedButStrong Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Yeah, right...I recommend you talk to her if you want to hear the other side of the story. If it didn't work out, she likely no reasons to lie to you. I agree with this cute dragon... but I don't know if I can bear to talk to her. I worry that I may not be able to control myself and release a tirade of anger on her. Not that she doesn't deserve that.
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 To OP: Please respect yourself. Don't let your husband treat you as his backup girl. He made his choice. He went for AP and had his affair. On top of that, he refused to communicate with you. He's only crawling back to you because it didn't work out with AP. Send him packing. You're not his safety option on standby. He has to suffer consequences for his choices. Since you've only been married for a few months, you should dump him and dump him fast. Run for the hills. Find a man who respects you. 3
Author ConfusedButStrong Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 BeholdtheMan Thanks for your post I do respect myself. I know my worth. That's why I'm having so much trouble with all this, I did dump him and fast at the time of discovery - kicked him out and never looked back. But he has been constant and persistent in telling me he loves me and he's made a mistake - He's been pretty persistent despite many messages from myself telling him to leave me alone. He's even written to my parents and met with them (which I know was extremely hard for my parents), which would have been difficult for him if he wasn't serious?.. I guess my question is - as the BS here - how hard should I be and do I need to be in my stance on how things should go if we do reconcile?? Should there be any room on my part for negotiation and flexibility to consider his position?? (given that this may be a reason why he was unhappy in the relationship in the first place) Or should it all be about me and what I need from him??...
BeholdtheMan Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 But he has been constant and persistent in telling me he loves me and he's made a mistake - He's been pretty persistent despite many messages from myself telling him to leave me alone. He's even written to my parents and met with them (which I know was extremely hard for my parents), which would have been difficult for him if he wasn't serious?I don't see how his persistence exonerates his level of betrayal Yeah, he's persistent. He's only persistent because it didn't work out with AP and he doesn't want to be left with nothing. Having you is better than nothing...so now he's back to you. Your husband totally threw you under the bus when he was with AP, are you going to take him back now simply because he's been very "persistent"...I mean really? 1
anna121 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi, He states that their relationship was never "real" that he was miserable the whole time and even on their holiday together he was thinking of me. He states that he slept with her around 8 times, the last time being in December - and they slept together cause they were both lonely and he thought i would never talk to him again. I cannot believe how many people actually try to put this one over on their partners. Please don't believe it. From what you've written, I think you would be better off continuing down the path you have carved out for yourself, no doubt with tremendous effort and in a lot of pain. The signs just aren't good. Your H doesn't sound truly remorseful, but rather having buyer's remorse. Big difference!
Author ConfusedButStrong Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 It sounds like there are much bigger problems then simply the affair itself (sounds like the affair partner was just a random, could have been anyone really) stemming from your husband's personality. If he's claiming he felt forced into the marriage then that implies he doesn't take responsibility for his life or decisions, and implies the affair really wasn't about the other woman, but rather a passive-aggressive way to blow up the marriage. Like something a peter pan boy-man would do. Of course there is ambivalence since he probably does love you and wanted to get married too. He wanted to be married to you yet not to be married to you. Maybe his depression factors into it too. So, he cheats, he tries to have a relationship with the affair partner, he wants to come back, but he can't fully commit....sounds like he has emotional issues and the affair is a symptom. Men who marry women with emotional problems who then go on to cheat on the man, are often called a "white knight" rescuing the damsel in distress. It doesn't often work in real life (unlike the movies). Maybe this is the same only in reverse. Did you suspect your husband was kind of emotionally messed up but had some good qualities, and you thought him being married to you might help him to grow up and straighten out his issues? Sometimes the man with the issues does grow up but in a lot of cases he doesn't because he has serious issues which need to be addressed with professional help. Harve.. Thank you for your post Alot of what you said rings very true.. He does have depression He has very low self esteem, thought outwardly he exudes confidence and arrogance even. He has always said that he has difficulties making big decisions His family are totally dysfunctional so he's not had very good role models growing up, nor good emotional support. And yeah he definitely has emotional and psychological issues. I knew this early on in our relationship - and I guess I believed that everyone has flaws..and that if deep down you're a good person that's ok..and I could deal with it cause I loved it. I also thought that me being such a strong person - would be able to help him. I guess now i'm seriously doubting that he is a good person. Up till the affair - i never dreamt that he'd cheat on me... if I even suspected as such i wouldn't have married him. It's like he turned into some unrecognisable monster overnight.. He is seeing a psychiatrist - and is on medications. And he knows he has flaws. I know he's trying to work on himself. At the same time though - after what he's done to me, after what he's made me go through - all the pain and hurt - I think I need to look after myself right now. He should be the one supporting me now. I shouldn't have to do all the work to support him and us... not now...not after what he did. I know this - and I hope that he'll miraculously change and come through for me and us.. But I guess i'm finding it hard to accept the reality - that he needs serious help for himself first...before he can even think about doing what I need to heal from this.. 2
Author ConfusedButStrong Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 The signs just aren't good. Your H doesn't sound truly remorseful, but rather having buyer's remorse. Big difference! I think this sadly..is the situation here.. It's just so hard to accept.. I really wanted to believe him... How could I be with this guy for over 7 years and have no idea he could do this??
Zenstudent Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I think this sadly..is the situation here.. It's just so hard to accept.. I really wanted to believe him... How could I be with this guy for over 7 years and have no idea he could do this?? Because if someone really plan to deceive you, they will be able to do so, especially if they are people you trust. Don't be hard on yourself, you don't control other's decissions and actions.
Just a Guy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi Confused, I have read through your thread till the end. The other people who have responded to you make eminent sense and I think you should pay heed to what they have to say. It seems to me that in spite of the fact that you recognize that your husband is not really good spousal material you are still hoping that by some miracle things will sort themselves out and the two of you can reconcile. As your name suggests, you are the stronger of the two in your marriage. From what you have written your husband seems to be damaged goods. I think he is emotionally unstable and would never be in a position to be a good husband to you. With that said I think you should cut your losses immediately and move on. As you said you know what you are worth and he certainly does not measure up to you. Do not stick with him out of pity as that would completely ruin your life and leave you a shattered person. Look for some one who is worthy of you and settle for him.Warm Wishes!
dichotomy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 One point - you said you started seeing someone? Where you intimate with this new man? Does your husband know? I see no point in getting back together. I don't think I hear any honesty from him at all. If there was honesty - you would hear somethings that made it worse. In other words all he has said minimzes what happened. The start of a marriage should not be so hard (although mine was messy).
grassisorisntgreener Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I guess I still love him. This speaks volumes. You guess? I'd say move on.
Spark1111 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Well, I think you owe him the truth of your feelings, no? Tell him what you have told all of us here. No one says you have to decide anything today, or tomorrow or next month. Continue to live your life. Ask to speak with him and his psychiatrist at a session. Can you contact the OW and remain calm? Maybe she will provide some of the missing details to the narrative. Have copies of all those begging emails from him to you? You could offer to send them is she disbelieves you. In the end, what you do is your choice and your's alone. He may have mental health issues that could conceivably plague the relationship forever. Ready for that? Children, jobs, bills all add stressors to marriage. Will he have the strength to cope and not escape again? Look, no one can change or save anyone, especially from themselves. So either you accept him as he is, or walk away.
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