Love my ex, but not in love :(

[damien93]

Hi everyone.. This is my first post so please bear with me on this as this might be a little long..

 

So my ex an i dated for 2 years.. Just before we hit the 2 year mark things began to fall apart.. We lost trust in eachother, there was a lot of jelousy on my part, i began to get frustrated with her mood swings, especially because she wouldn't communicate to me what was bothering her, in turn being moody towards me.. Besically every 2 days or so there would be a problem.. We wouldnt argue about things, as i just mentioned, she didnt communicate very well, but rather, we would be in eachothers company, angry with eachother, untill we gave up on it and made up..

 

This started getting very stressful for me because i wasn't feeling happy or secure in the relationship any more.. She was quite a cold, stubborn, negative person towards me when she wasn't happy about something, and no matter what i said or did for her wouldn't make a difference..

 

This went on for about 3 months before i decided to break up with her.. It was clear neither of us wanted to because we were so attached to eachother and when we weren't upset with eachother, people would tell us that we were perfect for eachother.. But i was sick of the way she would treat me when she was upset, and i told her that we are too young to be involved with something so serious and that we should take some time at this age to experience more than this relationship..

 

I decided it was best to have zero contact so we could heal from the breakup and hopefully salvage a friendship when the time was right.. Because i still love her, i miss her company and she's a beautiful person in all.. But it's her past that has made her so cold and negative when she's upset, it's the way she learned to deal with all the negativity in her life.. And i accepted the way she was for so long until one day i realised it was eatin me away slowly and i didnt want to live like that any longer..

 

3 months went by and i was just about over it and moving on quite well when she asked for me to come back, that she realizes she was a bi*** to me (her words), she knows she pushed me away and she was sorry for all the bulls*** she put me through.. She wanted another chance and this is what kills me the most..

 

When we were dating i broke up with her a few times but came straight back after no more than a couple days.. She always took me back and gave me another chance.. But this time she wants another chance but i dont want to give it to her..

 

I lost those strong feelings for her, possibly while we were still dating because i dont feel that strong connection to her anymore and im surprised that only after 3 months im practically over the relationship.. I know i love her and care about her deeply because it kills me knowing that she is litterally alone.. No friends, no family, ****ty apartment living by herself.. And she tells me all this an how much its hurting her..

 

I was the only thing she had, and thats why it frustrated me so much that she treated me the way she did.. And now im here.. Ive listened to her cry in absolute agony over the phone to me, begging for me to come back, pleading for me not to do this but i just dont want to be in a relationship at this time anymore.. She thinks its her, that i dont want to be with her, but i really just want to be alone for a while, mess around a little, learn about myself and different types of relationships.. An i think that would be best for her too..

 

But as i said before, she has noone to talk to about this or get her mind off of it, she has nothing to do with her life atm, low self esteem and even i can see that she is going through hell right now.. And that is my dillema..

 

I love her so much.. Shes such a sweet girl when she's content and she doesnt deserve all the crap thats been thrown at her.. Her mum was abusive so she left home.. Her bestfriends betrayed her and never speak to her anymore.. He has little money and it practically goes to rent, where she lives with just a tv and bed in an empty flat.. Its winter now so it's freezing and she cant even watch tv because her tv is old and doesnt allow her to watch free to air channels..

 

I feel for her so much but im very scared to get into another relationship.. Partly because i feel it wont last and ill end up hurting her again but also because myinterests lie elswhere now.. I feel so bad for rejecting her because once again she doesnt deserve to be miserable.. But im just so unsure and i dont want to string her along..

 

I miss the good times, when things were rosey, and i miss the satisfaction of making her happy, an as someone who was so close to her i feel we can be bery close friends, i want to continue making her happy, continue adding value to her life where she sees none, but at the same time i cant do that.. Thats me story atm and its really hard knowing that everyday that goes passed im hurting her more and more..

 

I dont know what im asking for, maybe i just needed to vent, but any feedback is appreciated.. Thankyou for reading..

[SimonSerenade]

That's very honest of you and also some how sweet the way you feel for her and care about her, maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, maybe you should tell her this, be true to yourself and if your heart isn't in it then that's just how it is, there's every chance you can develop those feelings for her again providing you start fresh but it sounds like you'd be doing this out of pity for her and sorrow that she's in the situation that she's in, honestly that's not fair on either of you, people get together and break up all the time, in situations like this it really is a crying shame, as you get older you come to realise times aren't always going to be good and feelings are going to be up and down but it's seeing through those times and riding them out that make the relationship that much stronger, unfortunately a lot of people opt out of the relationship before they can get to that point, this is decision you'll have to come to on your own, I hope whatever decision you make brings you peace friend, you genuinely sound like a really nice guy and you deserve some happiness so do what makes you happy.

[StrongLass]

Seems like you needed to vent more than anything

 

It's worth noting that all those problems that she has with her family, friends & living situation in general AREN'T your responsibility and frankly never were. She needs to take action herself if she wants to improve her lot in life. It's understandable to feel sorry for her and all just don't try to rationalize those problems of hers as burdens for you to carry.

 

Being "very scared to get into another relationship" shows that you've still got some emotional wounds that need time to heal, so you should take some time off from dating. Work on your own life.

 

You mention your "interests lie elsewhere now"...if that means you've already got your eye on someone else you should put the breaks on that FAST. Let them know that you're still hurting and DON'T want to jump into anything new & f-it up.

 

Things get better with time. Really.

Edited June 26, 2013 by StrongLass

[damien93]

Thanks for the replies guys

 

I obviously considered getting back together with her, but you're right, I'll only be doing it because i feel sorry for her.. I'm 20 this year, she's 19.. We met when we were 17, and we always felt we were best friends (as cliche as it sounds).. And i would continue to pursue a relationship with her, if only i was ready to settle down and start thinking seriously about a future with her.. Because if we were to get back together now there would be so many hurdles to face and overcome.. I personally think it's better to move on and forget all these problems, it will be too hard to face it all again and most probably break up again.. Because if we were to ever start fresh down the track, we could do it so much easier because we'd be starting again without these lingering problems, we would be doing it by the very meaning of "starting fresh".. And i can see that happening.. But not now, like i said we are too young to think about that or even know if that's what we want, hence why i want to mess around a little, test the waters of single life and date different people, make new friends, pursue some goals and aspirations i have.. And having a relationship is quite a commitment.. And i can't carry that commitment on top of all the other things that interest me at this time..

 

And don't get me wrong, when i say date people, i don't want to get into other relationships (that's not where my new interests lie at the moment), if only out of respect for this girl who is hurting so much right now, but also because i cannot deal with that kind of commitment again for a while.. I have sexual interests (lets just put it that way) and i know that's a bit crude but come on, i am a dude..

 

I always told her no matter what, if we ever split, i would always be her friend.. And that's what makes this so hard..

 

I genuinely care about her and that's why it hurts so much to know I've cause this much pain.. And i want to be there for her to help her through this but i can't for obvious reasons.. And I'm afraid that because i was unwilling to give the relationship another shot that she will always resent me for it.. Because i know how she is and she holds grudges with so much tenacity that she often never forgives or lets go.. I know because i saw it happen to her best friends, people that upset her in general, even her own mother.. And i just don't know what to do..

 

I realize that her problems shouldn't be my burden.. But i still love her as a person, she never willingly did anything to hurt me, nor did i to her, so there's no reason for us to hate each other.. It's easy to say she shouldn't be my responsibility but for the two years i was with her, i felt like she was, i gave myself that responsibility to make sure she would be alright, to make sure she was safe and happy.. And now that it's over, you're right, it's not my responsibility, but i still feel her pain, and i feel selfish not for filling those responsibilities i once had..

 

Is there any advice on how i should handle this? I've given myself these rules, that if she contacts me, no matter what i will answer, but i will not go out of my way to contact her.. So basically if she needs me she can contact me, and i'll be her friend.. But if she doesn't then i won't bother her, so that her and i can heal and get over this.. Then hopefully one day when i find that she's on her own two feet, happy with how things are going, possibly dating someone that makes her happy, that i can step in and be that friend i promised her.. Or is this wrong? Mind you i don't plan on stuffing any sort of relationship she has with anyone, if she doesn't feel comfortable with me hanging around i won't.. I just feel like i will always have a soft spot for her, i genuinely just want her to be happy because i believe she deserves it after everything that's been thrown at her.. And i want to be there to witness it, no matter if I'm a friend, lover or distant memory.. I want to know she's OK..