paigej91 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) I NEED some outside advice on this because when I asked my friend she just tells me "to do what I want to do". Not helpful! So. Been seeing this guy for about 3-4 months consistently. Since March, we've been dating. After ~2 months of seeing each other (NO sex) we didn't see each other for about a month, but continued to text [both of us WERE busy during this time, but still unacceptable]. We texted a lot during this period. When we see each other weekly/bi-weekly though, texts are much more infrequent. Perhaps every few days. At this point, though, I cannot show him I'm suspicious of what he wants or he will probably run away because I seem psycho. We've been on 10-15 dates by now over a period of 4 months (ridiculous, right?). MOST things have been excellent, actually. It's just a few little things that make me question his desires (primarily the combination of him not talking about emotions and desiring a physical relationship). We get along fantastically and could talk for hours. We're on the same wavelength, have the same interests, same life goals, both are fairly nerdy/have intellectual hobbies, he's paid for all dates, walks me to my car, etc. And just recently, on our last date, he called me beautiful. Also recently told me he isn't seeing anyone else. The last two times we saw each other, he greeted me by picking me up. A couple times, he has either post-poned work or an outing with friends to be with me. What I've really been questioning is where he's at emotionally (he, in turn, was questioning where I was at physically). Last time we were together, we had a talk which was much needed. He expressed how he kept on being disappointed because we've been on over 10 dates and we haven't slept together yet. I told him I COMPLETELY understood this (and I do). This is when I told him I was a virgin (I'm in my very early 20s, btw and he his mid 20s), and he said that helped explain things (also told me it wasn't a turn off when I said "I know that's a turn off" and that he was a virgin for a lot of college too). But during this, I also brought up that I didn't know where he was EMOTIONALLY. After explaining our concerns, he said he "wants to give it a try and if it doesn't work out, at least we tried". What makes me worried is the following things: a) I haven't met his friends (he tells me they're nerdy and married, though) b) he doesn't communicate very well. He is a quieter/introverted person, but it still concerns me. He's very brief with communicating his feelings (which is a very rare occurrence), and sometimes just won't say anything. For example, one time I said "I feel like we have a connection", and he just didn't say anything back. c) There also is very little communication between dates sometimes. He said he sucks at communicating, so at least he admits it? d) he sometimes works 10-13 hour days, especially lately (sometimes travels for it too). When he's free, he often hangs out with his buddies and they goof around/drink. So I wonder if he'd even make me a priority in his life Am I being too paranoid or does it actually sound like he doesn't want anything more than "seeing each other"? I AM one of those people who expects the worst/expects guys to only want a FWB type of 'relationship' unless he's a nice guy in the most obvious and stereotypical way. If you made it this far, THANK YOU for reading!! I apologize for the length! Edited June 26, 2013 by paigej91
BluEyeL Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 He seems to be only moderately interested in you, not crazy about you. It's pretty complicated, with you being a virgin. Maybe he doesn't want to include you in his life further until you are intimate, but communication not being constant is not very encouraging. I don't think he wants to make you a friends with benefits though. 1
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I NEED some outside advice on this because when I asked my friend she just tells me "to do what I want to do". Not helpful! So. Been seeing this guy for about 3-4 months consistently. Since March, we've been dating. After ~2 months of seeing each other (NO sex) we didn't see each other for about a month We've been on 10-15 dates by now over a period of 4 months (ridiculous, right?). MOST things have been excellent, actually. It's just a few little things that make me question his desires (primarily the combination of him not talking about emotions and desiring a physical relationship). We get along fantastically and could talk for hours. We're on the same wavelength, have the same interests, same life goals, both are fairly nerdy/have intellectual hobbies, he's paid for all dates, walks me to my car, etc. And just recently, on our last date, he called me beautiful. Also recently told me he isn't seeing anyone else. So many things to unpack in this post but well done for writing it so succinctly. I bolded a few things that I was interested in. Firstly, why the big one month off? Did you two ever address this? Secondly, you say he is excellent, pays for everything etc. Maybe from his perspective he is wondering whether all this time and energy and money he is putting in and he isnt getting the physical side? It does become more complicated considering you are a virgin and frankly I will not hold that against you, so I can understand you want to tread lighter. But you have to understand that after 10-15 dates, a lot of folk would want to get intimate. Is it a marriage deal or you require an exclusive relationship? As for the communication. Not everyone wants to text all the time so I won't see this as a red flag. How are you all when you're on the dates? My calculations suggest only one date a week? Do you live far from each other?
Author paigej91 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Firstly, why the big one month off? Did you two ever address this? I brought it up briefly and told him directly I thought it meant he wasn't interested anymore. We didn't talk about it long though. Secondly, you say he is excellent, pays for everything etc. Maybe from his perspective he is wondering whether all this time and energy and money he is putting in and he isnt getting the physical side? This is basically how he feels/what he said to me. We have done everything physical but sex. And I'll be honest, it is probably going to happen next time we see each other. I do hope he will verbally say he's exclusive and start acting like a boyfriend simultaneously, though. I feel like he's only some of the way there emotionally, he feels like I'm only some of the way there physically. Can this work? Maybe we're both just being stubborn about "going first" Is it a marriage deal or you require an exclusive relationship? Definitely just because I prefer to be exclusive (or d.amn close to it) first How are you all when you're on the dates? My calculations suggest only one date a week? Do you live far from each other? We live decently close to each other. Dates are always great. There's a lot of eye contact and one-on-one interaction. About two-thirds of our dates have been "1-3 drinks-dates" where we just talk about anything and everything.
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