Star Gazer Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 As a frequent traveler who often meets and dates other frequent travelers, it seems I face this conundrum more than I'd like. When you're newly dating someone (first few dates) and the interest level seems high on both sides, does a vacation or business trip ever throw a kink in things for you? Disturb the momentum/pace? Frustrate you? Insofar as communication, do you carry on like normal? I know some folks think it's in the traveler's court to make contact so as to not disturb the traveler; others think it's no different than if they were home. Thoughts?
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 As a frequent traveler who often meets and dates other frequent travelers, it seems I face this conundrum more than I'd like. When you're newly dating someone (first few dates) and the interest level seems high on both sides, does a vacation or business trip ever throw a kink in things for you? Disturb the momentum/pace? Frustrate you? Insofar as communication, do you carry on like normal? I know some folks think it's in the traveler's court to make contact so as to not disturb the traveler; others think it's no different than if they were home. Thoughts? Personally for myself it never has. I like my space and I like guys who like their own space. It can disturb the momentum though as you put it. At the same time, looking at it from another perspective, maybe it just gives you breathing space? 2
pyramid Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I'm in this situation at the moment. Went on one (really great) date with a guy - and then he left 2 days later for a two-week vacation out of the country. He's unable to text me while he's there, but he's been calling twice a week. I do think the ball is in his court for contacting me since it's calls only. If we could text, then I would be ok with reaching out as it's less time-sensitive. The timing is definitely awkward, but we are making the best of it, and looking forward to this weekend 1
happywithlife Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 It seems to me normal texting/calling as you were before the trip would be acceptable and even the polite thing to do. Time zone changes, disrupted/unusual schedules, and out of the country phone charges need to be considered into the equation. But to just drop all contact seems weird and seems like an excuse to either fade away without having to break up or to have a bit of fun on the side while out of town and not have the guilty feeling b/c the person you are dating is calling/texting you. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Personally for myself it never has. I like my space and I like guys who like their own space. It can disturb the momentum though as you put it. At the same time, looking at it from another perspective, maybe it just gives you breathing space? I actually do enjoy the breathing space. On the other hand, it also makes me feel like there's pressure to see each other before and after trips, in an almost inorganic fashion. The guy I'm seeing now had to leave town suddenly for a business trip, thereby cancelling our date for tomorrow night. He's only gone a few days, and has plans next weekend. It's just a little break, and just a little awkward, but it still kinda throws a kink in the momentum. I had another guy get all excited on our first date, telling me how glad he was to be able to take me out, because he was leaving for Europe for 2 months. That was just stupid, in my opinion... Way too long a break!!!
pyramid Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Two months is definitely too long! Would have been nice of him to let you know that beforehand. With my guy, for a few days after the date I was thinking it might have been better to postpone meeting until he returned. He was overly communicative and I was feeling a little smothered, tbh. Now with the minimal contact every 3-4 days, I am going crazy with anticipation. I am a big fan of getting to know someone in person. A 18-day stretch between first & second dates is weird, and I hope that neither of us are creating an artificial image of the other in the meantime. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. 1
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I actually do enjoy the breathing space. On the other hand, it also makes me feel like there's pressure to see each other before and after trips, in an almost inorganic fashion. The guy I'm seeing now had to leave town suddenly for a business trip, thereby cancelling our date for tomorrow night. He's only gone a few days, and has plans next weekend. It's just a little break, and just a little awkward, but it still kinda throws a kink in the momentum. I had another guy get all excited on our first date, telling me how glad he was to be able to take me out, because he was leaving for Europe for 2 months. That was just stupid, in my opinion... Way too long a break!!! Yeah it can be tough. But at the same time I also think that in a way the inconvenience of travelling and dates acts like a filter. If you know what I mean? Because most folk can't handle it, I know that the ones I bother with are actually kind of worth it. It really depends on the length of trips, frequency of travel, how are the dates in between etc. Two months break at the beginning of dating is just way to unrealistic though. Especially after only ONE date 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Yeah it can be tough. But at the same time I also think that in a way the inconvenience of travelling and dates acts like a filter. If you know what I mean? Because most folk can't handle it, I know that the ones I bother with are actually kind of worth it. It really depends on the length of trips, frequency of travel, how are the dates in between etc. Do you think that if you're into each other "enough," the momentum won't be an issue? Or do you think at the very beginning it should just be sooooo easy?
sillyanswer Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 When you're newly dating someone (first few dates) and the interest level seems high on both sides, does a vacation or business trip ever throw a kink in things for you? Disturb the momentum/pace? Frustrate you? Yes, it often kills the momentum and the first date afterwards feels like a first date again, and not in a good way. Not sure that I have a solution to offer, though. 1
Imported Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I'm in this situation at the moment. Went on one (really great) date with a guy - and then he left 2 days later for a two-week vacation out of the country. He's unable to text me while he's there, but he's been calling twice a week. I do think the ball is in his court for contacting me since it's calls only. If we could text, then I would be ok with reaching out as it's less time-sensitive. The timing is definitely awkward, but we are making the best of it, and looking forward to this weekend If you both use iPhones, you can txt through wifi using your current cell #. If not, I think there are apps that allows this as well although both will need the app.
Sunshine87 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I dated someone in the past who went away for three weeks ( during the initial dating stages). He didn't contact me while away and I sort of "got over" him. But immediately he returned, he contacted me as usual and we dated for some months. He even travelled months after ( by this time we had been dating for about two months though) and never contacted me during the two weeks that he was away. Infect, we had a fight just before he left. However he returned and contacted me. I was a bit frosty to his attempt but eased up later on. Another scenario with another guy- I travelled for about a week and he kept in touch every two days. I reached out first however. But when I returned, his interest level dropped. I genuinely think that if his interest level is high enough he won't forget you. Think about it: If you liked a guy and he went away for three weeks, would you forget him or miss him? I assume that some men are easil distracted too. So if he meets someone else, then it's likely he might move on. But I wouldn't want to be with someone who would lose interest just because he went away for a couple of weeks....that in my opinion says a bit about his character and the level of interest he has in me. I think it's okay for either of the parties to send an email two or three days after wards...then leave the ball in the recipient's court. 1
pyramid Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 If you both use iPhones, you can txt through wifi using your current cell #. If not, I think there are apps that allows this as well although both will need the app. We don't, and I know there are apps, but I didn't bring it up. We've only been on one date... Regarding the momentum question - I don't think it has negatively affected it. I will get a better gauge when we meet up this weekend, but I don't feel like things have moved backward at all - and possibly a bit forward in that I am more used to his conversation style, have learned more about him & his family, etc. Of course if he had been in town, we would have been on several more dates by now, so I'd say it's more a situation of timing rather than momentum. That may just be semantics, but we're still headed in a good direction.
Janesays Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 After our first date, my fiance left the country for a month for work. Didn't matter. He literally left work every night, ate dinner, and went directly back to the hotel so he could chat with me online. So it worked out fine for us. I shouldn't think you have too much to worry about with the right guy. 1
Kamille Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I travel a lot and so do the guys I date. I'm mostly meeting them through on-line dating, and so far I like the breathing room travelling actually gives me. I guess I have yet to meet someone with whom I feel strong chemistry though, so I find the traveling gives us some time to get to know each other more. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 After our first date, my fiance left the country for a month for work. Didn't matter. He literally left work every night, ate dinner, and went directly back to the hotel so he could chat with me online. So it worked out fine for us. I shouldn't think you have too much to worry about with the right guy. You do when they're doing the El Camino across Spain, or climbing Mt. McKinley, or conducting a 2 week mission! (The last 3 experiences.)
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Do you think that if you're into each other "enough," the momentum won't be an issue? Or do you think at the very beginning it should just be sooooo easy? Yes, I strongly believe the bolded. The momentum is an issue only when there is meh connection. 3
Janesays Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 You do when they're doing the El Camino across Spain, or climbing Mt. McKinley, or conducting a 2 week mission! (The last 3 experiences.) Yeah, I suppose that would be different. My guy was in Brazil.... for work. The first time he left for an extended period of time for a vacation type reason, I went with him. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 I guess I have yet to meet someone with whom I feel strong chemistry though, so I find the traveling gives us some time to get to know each other more. See, it seems without strong chemistry, the travel prevents us from putting in the effort to get to know each other.
Kamille Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 See, it seems without strong chemistry, the travel prevents us from putting in the effort to get to know each other. That's true. I guess I was burned with strong chemistry last spring and am now a lot more cautious when it comes to letting my feelings run away. And still (or perhaps because of this), it doesn't prevent me from staying in touch with these guys or making plans to meet up for when I get back in town. I guess, right now, my motto is: if the connection is right, you won't be able to mess it up.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 A frequent flyer isn't around enough to have a relationship. That's a pretty broad statement to make without knowing how often and long they're out of town. There was a period of 4 months where I flew 3 times a week, most of them commuter flights. I wasn't gone any longer than a regular 8 hour workday.
Kamille Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It is broad but fair. People who are required to fly frequently have a job that is too involved to sandwich in a true relationship even if that travel time fits into a traditional 8 hour shift. and in those weeks did you work only 40 hours? I doubt it. You had to compensate for the time "wasted" on the flight though you were probably working during the flight as well. If you work over 8 hours a day and 5 days a week, the best you can have is something casual. Non-sense. Busy people do date and do manage to have relationships. Perhaps they're not the right people for you. But you can't decide what is right for others. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 It is broad but fair. People who are required to fly frequently have a job that is too involved to sandwich in a true relationship even if that travel time fits into a traditional 8 hour shift. and in those weeks did you work only 40 hours? I doubt it. You had to compensate for the time "wasted" on the flight though you were probably working during the flight as well. If you work over 8 hours a day and 5 days a week, the best you can have is something casual. This is crazy talk. I work less hours now than I did in my first 7 years of practice, when I worked 60-80 hours a week and was almost always in a serious relationship.
EasyHeart Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Ugh. This was the story of my life for many years. I agree with ES that it isn't a problem if there is a really strong initial attraction; both people have an incentive to make it work. The problem is with the "I like you and would like to get to know you" attractions that are most common and often lead to good relationships. Often, the non-traveller simply decides that there are other options who are actually available for dating. For a lot of people, a mediocre date who can actually go on dates is better than a great guy/girl who isn't around. (We talk a lot about emotional availability; this is an example of what I can "physical availablility") Short of giving up your job, I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it. The other person has to accept that you travel for work, that work trips are NOT a vacation, and that they have to accept it if they want to date you. Vacations that were planned before you met are completely different. There you just hit the pause button. I met my GF right before Christmas and both of us had holiday plans, so we just decided to wait until January to date. It was a month after we met, but that was no problem. Of course, if you're the vacationer, the other person has no obligation to wait for you. If my GF had met someone else on New Years, I couldn't stop her from going out with him; I would just have to wait to steal her away once we had our first date on January 18 (that really happened, btw ) 3
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 ............. What's your point? You said those who travel can't be in relationships. I just proved you wrong. I was in a relationship nearly the entire time I was traveling. My then-BF traveled as well (not as often, but for longer periods). Our travel schedules was not an issue whatsoever.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Ugh. This was the story of my life for many years. I agree with ES that it isn't a problem if there is a really strong initial attraction; both people have an incentive to make it work. The problem is with the "I like you and would like to get to know you" attractions that are most common and often lead to good relationships. Often, the non-traveller simply decides that there are other options who are actually available for dating. For a lot of people, a mediocre date who can actually go on dates is better than a great guy/girl who isn't around. (We talk a lot about emotional availability; this is an example of what I can "physical availablility") Short of giving up your job, I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it. The other person has to accept that you travel for work, that work trips are NOT a vacation, and that they have to accept it if they want to date you. Vacations that were planned before you met are completely different. There you just hit the pause button. I met my GF right before Christmas and both of us had holiday plans, so we just decided to wait until January to date. It was a month after we met, but that was no problem. Of course, if you're the vacationer, the other person has no obligation to wait for you. If my GF had met someone else on New Years, I couldn't stop her from going out with him; I would just have to wait to steal her away once we had our first date on January 18 (that really happened, btw ) Holiday season dating is the WORST for this reason. Ack! I agree with your first paragraph - kinda. Typically in the past, I was the traveler, and the guy would just find easier options. (One guy actually told me he found someone who was "easier" to date because of this, while I was gone for 4 days!). Now, the tables are turned and I'm not traveling nearly as much, but the guys are. I'm not looking for someone easier to date, at all. The guy I'm currently seeing, I'm really into. I want to see HIM but I worry about how the forced time apart will affect our connection... Even with the best connection, you have to keep it going - ya know? I worry about the fade away. So far, so good, so maybe I'm worried for nothing. It's just a pain in the rump.
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