Quilly Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I started my third attempt at NC with MM this week... it's barely been 3 days and I'm already losing it! Does anyone have any NC advice, words of inspiration, or success stories? I'll take anything I can get right now. The initial anger towards MM that got me through the first couple of days is fading fast... and I keep checking my voicemail and email to see if he's tried contacting me even though I know he won't... help!!!!
meanon Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Hang in there, Quilly If you call, you won't get what you need and you'll feel worse afterwards. Three days is a long time when you want to talk to someone as much as you want to talk to him. You don't want to have to do it all again on attempt no.4, do you? You had good reasons for choosing this. It will get easier very soon.
Moose Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Excuse my ignorance, but what exactly is, "NC"??? Not Cheating?
Author Quilly Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 It's because I'm still holding on to hope... how many times do I need to hear him tell me he can't/won't be with me before I'll give it up? Even now I'm hoping maybe he'll miss me enough to realize we're worth it. I wish I could get over him once and for all... I wish I could have Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. But you're right... if I don't see this through then I'll just be starting all over again and I have a feeling this is going to be a long enough process as it is. And the worst thing about all of this is how it affects my time with my kids. There are times I'm so immersed in dealing with the emotions of MM, that I know I'm not being a good Mom... just sitting back, being sad and thinking of MM instead of playing with my kids. I hate that I can't go back to enjoying my life even though I can recognize that I'm not. I just want this to be over with... now. I know this topic gets old around here... so thanks, meanon, for the words of encouragement.
Author Quilly Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Sorry... you can tell I've been hanging out here too long already... NC = No Contact
immoralist Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Quilly, it does get easier. I'm now on 6 weeks of NC and life is good, very, very good. I've reconnected with friends, family, workmates and myself. I'm no longer living for someone--that person is possessing less and less of my self, attention, time. Once you wind your way through the pain of love detox the feelings are liberating. The MM's or MW's shadow no longer casts a pall over your life. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Quilly. Stay strong, woman; and get free. I know you can do it. If not this attempt, then the next, or the attempt after that. It's past time to shed this particular obsession.
Author Quilly Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Immoralist... new name, huh? You're right... it really is an addiction. The daily (weekdays only, of course) phone calls from MM became a major part of my life... in fact, most days I structured my life around them. Whereas it was all about convenience for him. He would call me on his way to work, on the way to/from the gym on his lunch hour, and on the way home from work. The times that he called were never consistent... only my waiting for the phone to ring was. At least I know that he has to be hurting somewhat too since he didn't want the communication to stop. I really thought I could handle being friends with him, but I can't... at least not yet. Probably had something to do with him saying how our being together (intimately) was making it too difficult for him to stick by his decision to stay married. Gee thanks MM... end the relationship and throw me a life line at the same time... too bad for me it wasn't anchored to anything. Thanks for the support... I'm glad it's getting easier for you. Perhaps there is hope for me yet!
immoralist Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 I really thought I could handle being friends with him, but I can't... at least not yet. Probably had something to do with him saying how our being together (intimately) was making it too difficult for him to stick by his decision to stay married. Gee thanks MM... end the relationship and throw me a life line at the same time... too bad for me it wasn't anchored to anything. I've walked in your shoes, Quilly. I know of what you speak. My MW, at the end, well after the intimacies had ended, wanted to be "friends"-- to talk every day and to use the vocabulary of love when we were no longer lovers. I was always my MW's lifeline. That twilight relationship--one fueled by memories of great times, ever diminishing hopes of resumption and garnished with bitterness, loss and nostalgia--can go on seemingly forever. What keeps "post-relationship" relationships limping along is that we continue to focus our emotional, cognitive and inner lives on our fading lovers, but they're no longer there. They're gone. Our brains, and especially our hearts, however, cling to what was, and will never be again. As a result, many of us take a rather long time to emotionally recognize and adjust to our lover's true absence. We still hear their echo. We still see their Ghosts, their Shadows. We remain haunted , and hopeful. Look at NC as a needed exorcism of the human heart. Love dies hard, Quilly. Very hard. Good luck, my friend.
Author Quilly Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 So love leaves us broken-hearted, addicted, and possessed... not exactly where I thought it was heading and hardly incentive to try it again. Oh well... better luck next time?!?
sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Quilly, I've tired this myself...just put yourself in my place...I work 20 feet away from mine and can't get away from him. I divorced my RICH husband for him and his wife cheats on him constantly and he won't leave her!!! Good luck....I'm trying to move on, but it's a daily struggle.
immoralist Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 So love leaves us broken-hearted, addicted, and possessed... not exactly where I thought it was heading and hardly incentive to try it again. Oh well... better luck next time?!? And you will try it again next time. As will I. That's the way most of us are wired. Plus, the alternative is just too bleak to consider. We both must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get ready for the next round. That's life!
sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 But how do I do that when he is right there and in my face all day??? It's such a struggle. He tells me not to wait on him because he can't handle the pressure, but the second he thinks I have moved on, he his all over me... What is that anyway??? Does he want me or her?? Or is he just to damn chicken to leave her??
meanon Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 sgirl, he's chosen her. As you say, it's impossible to get over him if you work alongside him, especially if he won't let you go. Ask for a transfer, get a new job. Good luck.
immoralist Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 What is that anyway??? Does he want me or her?? Or is he just to damn chicken to leave her?? Poor girl. NC is nearly impossible when you work with or around your MM. While getting out from under an affair is much more complicated when you work with the MW/MM, it's still doable. As for your MM, sgirl728, he wants you AND the wife:The social legitimacy of marriage and family and the hot, outlaw sex on the side. What more can a bored husband ask for? He wants it all. And your MM is a coward. He'll take risks , but he won't go one step too far: ending his marriage and becoming a divorced dad so he can trade wives. That outcome is not in most married men's play book. Even if your dream comes true, and he leaves the wife and makes you his bride, your status and attractiveness will dwindle as you go from the hot OW to wife no. 2. Then he might do to you what he's doing to his current wife. What goes around comes around. Yes? Find a single guy to date, sgirl728, as you purge your MM from your life. Your MM will only leave you alone if he sees your involved with someone else or seriously dating. Good luck.
sgirl728 Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Thanks for the support...I do have a date next weekend with a doctor and I will make sure he finds out about it. But here are a few curve-balls....there are no children involved and the only reason he started things up with me is because he found out his wife had been cheating on him with MANY different men their entire marriage and he couldn't afford to leave at the time. Ok and here's the last curve-ball, we are no longer having sex because he gave me and STD that contracted from here....how F**ked up is that??? So...now....why does he stay?? Why won't he completely let me go??
Author Quilly Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Sounds like the guy is just playing games with you... Why else would he tell you to move on but then be in hot pursuit once you do? Probably just all part of the plan until he finds someone else to occupy his time. Go out with the doctor and don't look back! And start looking for a new job.
Fran_H Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Originally posted by immoralist Your MM will only leave you alone if he sees your involved with someone else or seriously dating. Is this right? I was doing SO well with the NC. Its hurts like hell alot of the time, but I did feel like I was getting somewhere. Then he calls me. He was very agitated and sounded upset and he said he just needed to know if I was dating someone. And I was honest with him and told him, 'look I am just trying to get over you right now, and that is going to take a while'. And he seemed fine after I told him that. And now I know he thinks he can call me anytime he likes, and that is not what I wanted. I wanted NC!! Perhaps I should have lied and told him I was dating?
Author Quilly Posted October 17, 2004 Author Posted October 17, 2004 Why can't you just tell him not to contact you anymore? I know it's hard to tell someone you care about that you don't want to talk to them anymore, it's just not something you would do under normal circumstances... but did he have such a hard time telling you he wouldn't leave his wife? Besides, if you were feeling better for not having contact with him, then don't let him manipulate his way back into your life... tell him no more contact means no more contact. It doesn't matter whether or not your seeing someone else... he is.
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