Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Is this affair of yours entirely limited to the time of separation? It sounds like you guys had an understanding by which both of you consider extramarital sex during the separation OK? Even if that's the case, I still don't see why you'd stay with a man who can't meet your needs. I doubt you're staying solely for the kids. I'm sure your own self-interest is a factor. Is your husband a good provider? If you really care about your kids' emotional well-being, I assure you that a miserable, unsatisfied (possibly cheating again in the future) mother isn't great for their emotional health. 1-We were together during the seperation. 2-I DO love my H. While my kids motived my decision, I still love him. 3-I am fully committed to my M. I'm just not down with dogmatic judgement about the extent to which I do love him because I won't hand him some contrived letter and go through some ritual. It's clear my decision to come here for advice was not wise. Mea culpa. Be well all
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I find it odd that OP is so adamant on husband never finding out when supposedly her husband wouldn't care You'd expect her to be more indifferent to husband finding out or not. I think deep down she knows the fact AP is husband's daily work colleague probably wouldn't sit too well with husband...despite whatever words she puts in husband's mouth 3
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 furthermore, why would you post on this side if you don't like the responses you're getting? can you say NPD? My original thread was moved. I did not intentionally post to this side. I understand that many have been hurt by a partner's decision to have another. I thought my post was on a board with others dealing with the emotional loss of their lover. Mea culpa.
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I find it odd that OP is so adamant on husband never finding out when supposedly her husband wouldn't care You'd expect her to be more indifferent to husband finding out or not. I think deep down she knows the fact AP is husband's daily work colleague probably wouldn't sit too well with husband...despite whatever words she puts in husband's mouth I think you're incorrect.
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 2-I DO love my H. 3-I am fully committed to my M. I'm just not down with dogmatic judgement about the extent to which I do love him because I won't hand him some contrived letter and go through some ritual. OK...keep telling yourself that Love and commitment must have a very special definition in your mind. It somehow involves cheating, keeping it secret, and judging the object of your "love" as unable to meet your needs Good luck with this marriage of yours 2
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 It's probably best you do move along. Agreed. And I likewise believe if folks can't handle the fact that we all don't live with the same set of beliefs (and that self-righteous, judgmental ranting is juvenile) to likewise do the same. No one asked you nor anyone else who's found comfort in bashing me to post. I'm not delusional, I do have fears, I was scared that my world and children's will be disrupted if I left. I do love both men. As a matter of fact, my husband and I have spoken tonight about open marriage. And he suspects that I did have a lover as do I him. And the walls are not crumbling. We'll be fine.
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 This will be my last post to this forum. From here on, you can rant to each other. Use it as therapy for being hurt by your spouse, if you wish. But.... I laid myself bare. Lets see what skeletons lurk for others if they do the same. Au revoire.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I find it odd that OP is so adamant on husband never finding out when supposedly her husband wouldn't care You'd expect her to be more indifferent to husband finding out or not. I think deep down she knows the fact AP is husband's daily work colleague probably wouldn't sit too well with husband...despite whatever words she puts in husband's mouth I wondered about that, too. She could be telling the truth; if her husband said it's her choice, whether she divulges any information or not, then in the regard of the OM being a colleague, I can see her hesitation-after all, assuming her husband had actually said it, out could very well have been a trap. Either way, I suppose it doesn't matter. She needs to make her own choices, regardless of what other's think-right or wrong.
Artie Lang Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) like i said, read up on NPD. it might help you with your charade, i mean..... marriage. Edited June 26, 2013 by Artie Lang 3
Just a Guy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hi Serendipity, I have read through your entire thread including the comments of posters responding to you. Firstly, I think your post is in the wrong forum. This one basically caters to BSs' and not to someone in your position. You are right where you are and they are right from where they stand. No point either side throwing darts at one another. Secondly, I think that what you are trying to achieve in reconciling with your husband is doomed to fail as I am reminded of the Biblical adage "Do not build your house in the sand as otherwise the next time the tide comes in it will be washed out to sea" or words to that effect. By keeping information from your husband, especially if he suspects that you have had a lover on the side, is something that will fester in his mind and at some point it will rise to the surface and explode in your face. In your kind of situation it is best to keep everything on the table and discuss things in a mature manner between the two of you. You may like to discuss the possibility of pursuing an alternate lifestyle with your husband. Where you are at present I would think that that may be the best option for the two of you without things blowing up in your face. Remember honest communication is the key to any such lifestyle if you do consider it. If you agree then go to websites that deal with such things. Whichever way the wind blows for you, I wish you the very best for the future especially for the sake of your innocent kids. Do not let them become collateral damage statistics in this whole complicated affair. Cheers! 1
RAN65 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) If the you are reading your thread, 1) It is not reconciliation, you have only moved back. 2) The skeleton(OM) in your cupboard is going to come out one day. The process of finding your hidden skeleton(OM) would have been started by your husband as you have talked about the open marriage with your husband. wishing you all the best. Edited June 27, 2013 by RAN65 1
ComingInHot Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Hey all Before this thread gets closed, and kind of in serendipity's defense, she DID write that she & her H agreed NOT to disclose Infidelity to each other. I don't think it will be that big of a catastrophy when her A comes to light. At least Not to serendipity's H. Serendipity, what's done is done. You telling the OM, ending the A and deciding to R. Good. I am glad you have made decisions. It's hard to make choices when our hearts are elsewhere or torn between different places. I get that just w/moving out of the state I lived in my whole life. I love it and miss it BUT I really like where I'm at now too. ( I know, I KNOW, it's not the same as cheating but I'm trying to relate )** I know you are "done" w/this thread but I have a question* If both you & Your H have both had A's and you both agreed to never disclose said cheating, why don't you or have you ever considered discussing having an "open M"? It sound like you are Both "resigning" to the fact that your needs/his needs just aren't going to be met. To me, that sounds sad. If neither of you plan on working to meet each others needs, and neither of you plan to D, maybe an open M could work for both of you. I'm trying to remember another pister on here who has a (I believe mostly) succesdgul relationship like this w/her H. CIH 1
aliveagain Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 When you see a train wreck about to happen you do everything in your power to prevent it, it's human nature. You can't always nice your point across, some say they want help but in reality are just looking for validation for the wreck they are about to cause. They are not going to change until they loose everything. 1
Just a Guy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Folks lets give Serendipity a break. Posters here can be a bit harsh and overbearing in their advice and responses. Also I guess we all need to follow the principle of "Live and let live". Not everyone follows the same set of rules or has the same template of a moral compass as others. In defense of Serendipity I would say that I think she is fighting her own demons. She seems to be still very much in love with her OM and yet she has chosen to initiate and maintain NC much against her desires as a Woman but in favour of her role as a Wife and Mother. Only she knows what emotional and mental torture she is enduring at this time. Fact is everyone makes choices and these determine where one finds oneself after due passage of time to, say, a point of time a few years down the line. She may find that she has fully recovered her love for her husband as it was when they first fell for each other. Alternatively she may always regret that she did not make a clean break with her husband and settle for her OM. It also is possible that she may falter in her decision to maintain NC and may yet end things with her husband and opt for the OM. It all revolves around her strength of will and determination. So I say give her some rope folks and let her make her own decisions! 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I agree with Just a Guy. On one side, you have people (both non-cheaters and former, along with BSs) being down-right judgmental and cruel, basing their opinions on very little information on the individual in question, except for the fact that they cheated. On the other side, you have the APs/OWs/OMs attacking the opposite side, making excuses, etc. Then there are the rest of us, sitting smack-dab in the middle, wondering why there's such a great divide. Okay, so maybe you've never given into temptation, or never felt said temptation, BSs; and OWs/OMs, maybe you have trouble seeing the other side of things, too. Last I checked? We all make mistakes that other people would look down their noses at us for. So even you not-even-once cheaters? Please, for the love of all that is sacred, stop with the judge, jury and executioner bit. I'm so, so sorry someone hurt you the way they did; maybe they were complete scum, maybe not. But honestly, is that any excuse to take it out on the rest of the populace? No. You expect WSs to own up to their actions; I implore you to do the same. As for the OWs and OMs? Yes, defend yourselves when necessary; but don't make excuses for why it was okay-we all know it wasn't. So much political infighting on forums...we all came to the same place because we have burdens. Can the personal attacks stop for a change? Probably not, but I thought it was worth saying. Give Serendipity a break; after all, her choice does not affect you. 1
grassisorisntgreener Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I find it so funny how negative these replies are. She is putting her childrens best interests first...and she is getting **** for it? Seriously? It's like the same crap here everyday. Everyone on the outside wants to see a D-Day or a confession. Otherwise you aren't doing it "right"...please. 2
dichotomy Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) My view may differ from some. It is one thing not to discolose the affair. We can debate how wrong it was and... then hiding and burying the past... and establishing NC... But your husband works with your lover? (ex or not) And husband does not know????!!!!! To me thats an on going from of abuse..... and so hurtful. There can be no reconilation with this remaining. It will come out someday... and I think this (working all that time with hidden lover - and not knowing) would be far more hurtful to me than the actual short term affair. The working together, maybe communicating, being freindly, going out to lunch or some work event, maybe having a beer....then find out years later he had been with you and he did not know all that time? OMG. Edited June 27, 2013 by dichotomy 3
ComingInHot Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 My reply wasn't negative but I do think "just a guy" said it well*
Artie Lang Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) she can take what she needs from these posts and leave the rest. I don't think people were being overly harsh. they are telling it like it is. she kept on with the "name-calling" bit where there was none. if anything, she came on here with a cavalier attitude toward her situation and people weren't buying it. furthermore, i don't see where her children's "best interests" are at heart. what she fails to realize is that she was cheating on them also. every minute she spent with this OM could've been spent trying to repair her marriage. she is cheating on her children's father, for crying out loud. do you really believe they would approve of her actions toward dear ol' dad..... i think not. this is self-preservation disguised as a noble act. Edited June 27, 2013 by Artie Lang 5
BeholdtheMan Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 She is putting her childrens best interests firstIs she? I think that's highly debatable. Dressing up selfish actions as selfless actions is a common cheater tactic. She says she loves her husband...yet she cheats, conceals her cheating, and judges her husband to be completely incapable of fulfilling her needs. She then inexplicably chooses to stay married to this man who's completely incapable of fulfilling her needs while still being infatuated with AP. How is this the foundation of a healthy marriage? Is maintaining this sham of a marriage truly in the best interests of her kids? I'm not even confident OP won't cheat in the future with another AP. After all, her husband can't meet her needs. I have a hard time believing anything OP has done so far is in her kid's best interests. Everything she's done so far seems rather obviously to be in her best interests. Maybe it's in OP's best interests to stay with her husband for financial reasons...that sounds more plausible than "I'm doing this for the kids". 5
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I have a hard time believing anything OP has done so far is in her kid's best interests. Everything she's done so far seems rather obviously to be in her best interests. Maybe it's in OP's best interests to stay with her husband for financial reasons...that sounds more plausible than "I'm doing this for the kids". I'm not saying I agree, if this is the case, but: what if when she says that, she's really means it? After all, financially stable does greatly benefit the children, in one respect. Like I said though, I personally wouldn't do it for that reason; it would be for the wrong reason, entirely. But, this is her life, and she's going to make whatever choice suits her, regardless of what anyone says. I get the feeling some people are taking these threads a little too personally (as in it reflects too deeply on a situation they're in/have been in). Those people need to step back, and stop thinking their word is gospel. I'm not saying you; just in general.
Artie Lang Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) I get the feeling some people are taking these threads a little too personally (as in it reflects too deeply on a situation they're in/have been in). Those people need to step back, and stop thinking their word is gospel. I'm not saying you; just in general. i just call B*LLSH*T when i see it. Edited June 28, 2013 by Artie Lang 3
Snowflower Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I get the feeling some people are taking these threads a little too personally (as in it reflects too deeply on a situation they're in/have been in). Those people need to step back, and stop thinking their word is gospel. I'm not saying you; just in general. I dislike this refrain. It basically says that a BS is incapable of looking at someone else's infidelity situation with any objectivity. You know, the whole "I'm sorry you were hurt by your spouse cheating on you but you shouldn't take it out on posters here..." type of thing. Not all formerly betrayed do that or feel that way. I do feel that serendipity was clobbered a bit and Just a Guy said it well. Carry on... 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 I dislike this refrain. It basically says that a BS is incapable of looking at someone else's infidelity situation with any objectivity. You know, the whole "I'm sorry you were hurt by your spouse cheating on you but you shouldn't take it out on posters here..." type of thing. Not all formerly betrayed do that or feel that way. I do feel that serendipity was clobbered a bit and Just a Guy said it well. Carry on... Funny, I never claimed that all BSs felt that way, or were incapable of objectivity. I said some people. Good god, what do I have to do? Bold, underline, and italicize every time, to ensure no one is offended by what I said? Artie: Yeah, I got that impression from you. Again, just pointing this out: at no point did I name specific individuals, nor did I claim all BSs are incapable of objectivity. On the contrary, I've seen quite a few of them achieve objectivity, just as I've seen APs and WSs take things too personally. And on that note? I never actually specified BSs in the first place. :/ You might want to check my post again Snowflower, instead of jumping to conclusions. Yeah, I'm in an irritable mood, once again. If people would learn to actually read what is said, instead of what they imagine is being said, fewer of these arguments would occur.
Snowflower Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 And on that note? I never actually specified BSs in the first place. :/ You might want to check my post again Snowflower, instead of jumping to conclusions. Yeah, I'm in an irritable mood, once again. If people would learn to actually read what is said, instead of what they imagine is being said, fewer of these arguments would occur. I did go back and check your posts and I stand by my words. But at any rate, I do feel serendipity was clobbered a bit as cheating wives often are here. So in a some ways, I agree with you. I hope she will come back and continue to post. Serendipity, I do think you should be concerned since your H and xOM work together. The truth has a funny way of coming out.
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