Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 My H and I have decided to reconcile. After a 4month sep and filing for D, I decided to go back, for my kids. I know many find that a cop-out. Oh well... My kids are young (5 &7) and while I am in love with my lover (I don't think of him as an AP), I felt that staying in my M was best. He knows my H (they work together) and I'm sure my lover knows that H and I have reconciled. I haven't spoken with him in a few days, and I think contacting him will only create an issue. I have decided to go NC for my own sanity. But, I'm torn as to whether to contact him to inform him our my decision to stay with my H. or...just let it go.... thoughts????
athousandquestions Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Does your husband know of your affair? You need to send a no contact letter to your husband and anyone else who was involved in the affair. You and your husband should also consider exposing your A to the other man's wife. Your husband should feel confident that not only will you not return to your AP but there will be NO WAY for you to return to your AP. IF you cannot expose your AP you are not serious about reconciling with your husband and you need to leave. Write a NC letter with your husband, something like "Affair Partner Name, What happened between us was a mistake. I love my husband and should never have risked my marriage and my relationship with him. He is the most important and the only man in my life. I will no longer have any contact with you. Please do not try and contact me. Your Name" Give it to your husband and he can decide to mail it or not. You guys need to go to Marriage Counseling and IC. It is obvious from your post that your marriage and you need help.
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 No leaving. Not exposing the relationship to my H. While I'll work on my M, I'm not naive; and realize that D would be worse for my children than accepting that H won't ever meet my needs. I know this is non-PC, but that's my choice. I have decided to contact my lover and tell him myself. He deserves that.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 My H and I have decided to reconcile. After a 4month sep and filing for D, I decided to go back, for my kids. I know many find that a cop-out. Oh well... My kids are young (5 &7) and while I am in love with my lover (I don't think of him as an AP), I felt that staying in my M was best. He knows my H (they work together) and I'm sure my lover knows that H and I have reconciled. I haven't spoken with him in a few days, and I think contacting him will only create an issue. I have decided to go NC for my own sanity. But, I'm torn as to whether to contact him to inform him our my decision to stay with my H. or...just let it go.... thoughts???? I think, in the interest of making sure he doesn't contact you a few days or so down the road, unaware of what you're thinking/doing/feeling, you should contact him. But, only once, to make it clear you want to go NC. You can make your message to him as blunt, or as detailed as you like-as long as the message is clear; no more contact, I'm working on my marriage. I wish you the best of luck in reconciling with your husband, and I hope your life vastly improves from there. 1
janedoe67 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I think, in the interest of making sure he doesn't contact you a few days or so down the road, unaware of what you're thinking/doing/feeling, you should contact him. But, only once, to make it clear you want to go NC. You can make your message to him as blunt, or as detailed as you like-as long as the message is clear; no more contact, I'm working on my marriage. I wish you the best of luck in reconciling with your husband, and I hope your life vastly improves from there. I agree with this, and I would also take steps to block him from your phone, your email, your facebook, etc so that he CAN'T contact you. 2
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Not exposing the relationship to my H.If your husband were cheating on you, would you want him to maintain your ignorance "for the sake of the kids" (or for whatever excuse he can think of)? Why don't you tell him the truth and let him decide what he wants to do with his life? Wouldn't you want him to extend the same courtesy to you if the tables were turned? It's not all about you, your kids, and your lover. Your husband is a human being who deserves respect as well. By keeping him in the dark, you're perpetrating the ultimate disrespect against the person whose trust you vowed to honour. realize that D would be worse for my children than accepting that H won't ever meet my needsIt sounds like you're condemning your kids to endure a miserable marriage along with you and your husband. Why are you so convinced that a miserable marriage would be "better for the kids" than a divorce? This is a fallacy often cited by WS and BS alike. A miserable marriage (in which mom completely lacks respect for dad) can be just as damaging if not more damaging to the kids as divorce. I have decided to contact my lover and tell him myself. He deserves thatYour husband means nothing to you doesn't he? You can think of what your lover deserves, yet the question of what your husband deserves (some honesty from you) doesn't even cross your mind. 10
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Your husband means nothing to you doesn't he? You can think of what your lover deserves, yet the question of what your husband deserves (some honesty from you) doesn't even cross your mind. I have to agree with this point; I'm not attacking you either, OP, but I think you need to re-evaluate your decision. You're reconciling with your husband, but you won't come clean? In order to truly reconcile, all the cards need to be on the table. The fact that you're putting your lover before your husband on this one indicates that recon may not be the way to go. Only you can decide what to do, but I'd give it some serious thought. 2
Furious Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 My H and I have decided to reconcile. After a 4month sep and filing for D, I decided to go back, for my kids. I know many find that a cop-out. Oh well... My kids are young (5 &7) and while I am in love with my lover (I don't think of him as an AP), I felt that staying in my M was best. He knows my H (they work together) and I'm sure my lover knows that H and I have reconciled. I haven't spoken with him in a few days, and I think contacting him will only create an issue. I have decided to go NC for my own sanity. But, I'm torn as to whether to contact him to inform him our my decision to stay with my H. or...just let it go.... thoughts???? I doubt your husband would be reconciling if he knew you've been cheating on him. I have a feeling that your 'lover" had more than ample opportunity to prove his love for you during the four months you've been officially separated from your husband. I get the feeling this may be why you've decided to reconcile and are rationalizing it as "for the sake of the children" and painting yourself as a martyr. I disagree that "reconciling" is the cop-out but rather your excuse to not divorce is a cop-out. True reconciliation is based on complete honesty and your version of it is completely false and in my opinion doomed to fail. 1
aliveagain Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 It will go way better for you if he hears about your affair from you rather than someone else. Things have a way of surfacing even years later. Men brag, a hotel sends you a coupon discounting your next stay as a valued customer, someone saw you, people at work gossip, an anomalous phone message from a disgruntled ex lover. The chances of your marriage surviving(regardless of your reasons for being in it) are much lower if caught rather then by confession. A confession says " I messed up and want to make things right", being caught, well you know what that says. "It is hard to reconcile a marriage that has only one in it." 1
Artie Lang Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 one of the worst decisions i've heard on this site. you are living a LIE! 10
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I called my lover. We broke it off. We cried. We said goodbye. My H will never know. I have no cockuld fantasy.I DO NOT respond to name calling--it's childish and indicative of projecting. I love my children enough to stay with their father. If my H had a lover I'd wish to not know, neither would he. We've discussed this earlier in our relationship when he disclosed an affair. Some folks can actually love a bit more expansively than the status quo. And recognize that marriage is way too complicated to place in a box. Good night all. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 recon may not be the way to go.Apparently, more lies and deceit is the way to go. OP isn't doing this "for the kids" or whatever. She's doing this for herself. She doesn't want husband to find out about her cheating and dump her a**. She's dressing up her patently selfish decisions as selfless. Classic cheater mindset. 7
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I think, in the interest of making sure he doesn't contact you a few days or so down the road, unaware of what you're thinking/doing/feeling, you should contact him. But, only once, to make it clear you want to go NC. You can make your message to him as blunt, or as detailed as you like-as long as the message is clear; no more contact, I'm working on my marriage. I wish you the best of luck in reconciling with your husband, and I hope your life vastly improves from there. Merci. I did contact him. We put it to rest. Now I can focus on my M, sans distractions.
Artie Lang Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 i have no idea why you started this thread with "should I tell him?" <<<<<SCRATCHES HEAD>>>>> 8
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 i have no idea why you started this thread with "should I tell him?" <<<<<SCRATCHES HEAD>>>>> In this, we both agree. 2
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Some folks can actually love a bit more expansively than the status quo.If by "love more expansively", you mean cheat and cover it up...I'm very glad I don't love "expansively". I love honestly and faithfully. i have no idea why you started this thread with "should I tell him?" <<<<<SCRATCHES HEAD>>>>>I think it means "Should I tell my affair partner". Honesty to her husband doesn't enter the equation in her head. 5
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Apparently, more lies and deceit is the way to go. OP isn't doing this "for the kids" or whatever. She's doing this for herself. She doesn't want husband to find out about her cheating and dump her a**. She's dressing up her patently selfish decisions as selfless. Classic cheater mindset. Hmmm. Actually he WOULDN'T dump me. Especially since he told me "whatever happened while we were seperated goes to the grave. But if you want to tell me, that's your choice." So, you see he DOESN'T wish to know and I likewise do not, nor will he dump " my ass" I suspect he had a lover too. Hence why this wasn't the premise in my original question. BTW, name-calling under the guise of rightous indignation is lame.
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 i have no idea why you started this thread with "should I tell him?" <<<<<SCRATCHES HEAD>>>>> Because my lover is male. Listen, sometimes we can actually care about others who don't place a ring on our finger. My q? Why do you wish to respond in a thread that causes you such dissonance that you must "scratch your head?" It's clear your input can be better served elsewhere.
Artie Lang Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 furthermore, why would you post on this side if you don't like the responses you're getting? can you say NPD? 3
Lillyfree Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Hmmm. Actually he WOULDN'T dump me. Especially since he told me "whatever happened while we were seperated goes to the grave. But if you want to tell me, that's your choice." So, you see he DOESN'T wish to know and I likewise do not, nor will he dump " my ass" I suspect he had a lover too. Hence why this wasn't the premise in my original question. BTW, name-calling under the guise of rightous indignation is lame. i don't see any name-calling, sorry. every relationship, every marriage is different. yours doesn't seem like one i'd want. it's up to you whether you'll tell your husband or not, whether you want to know what he was up to.... but wouldn't it be so much simpler to get it all out and start with a clean slate? what kind of a marriage is it if you both keep secrets from eachother best of luck anyway. 4
aliveagain Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I wonder which one had filed for divorce, she never said just that they were separated for four months and filed for divorce, my bet is on the husband. Her bakery was about to be shut down, no more cake eating. I wonder if the husband knows? 3
Try Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I do not like the OP nor agree with her way of thinking. That being said, she has a right to post without people name calling. If you cannot post to her without name calling, do not post to her. I did not post to her on this thread because it would be a waste of both her time and mine. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 OP - you seem entirely selfish. "Staying for the kids" Pshaw! You are doing it for your own convenience, seems to me. Wondering about the merits of disclosing to your AP while lying to your H. Your tortuous "he wouldn't want to know but just to be on the safe side I won't tell him" rationalisations. It's not abuse to call you out on this stuff. Lies are a poor foundation for a marriage. 2
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) "whatever happened while we were seperated goes to the grave. But if you want to tell me, that's your choice."Is this affair of yours entirely limited to the time of separation? It sounds like you guys had an understanding by which both of you consider extramarital sex during the separation OK? Even if that's the case, I still don't see why you'd stay with a man who can't meet your needs. I doubt you're staying solely for the kids. I'm sure your own self-interest is a factor. Is your husband a good provider? If you really care about your kids' emotional well-being, I assure you that a miserable, unsatisfied (possibly cheating again in the future) mother isn't great for their emotional health. Edited June 26, 2013 by BeholdtheMan 1
Author Serendiptiy_2 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I wonder which one had filed for divorce, she never said just that they were separated for four months and filed for divorce, my bet is on the husband. Her bakery was about to be shut down, no more cake eating. I wonder if the husband knows? I filed. My H does NOT know, nor will he.
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