Bunnyrabbit Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Can someone tell me how soon the actual filing of divorce happens if we would start the process of mediation? How soon into the mediation? Or can I go to the court house to file for divorce (if I want to speed it up) and proceed with mediation? It's important for me to file before I have to leave the country for a health emergency and I'm afraid mediation might take longer?
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) In California, one files a FL-100 with the court and serves it upon their spouse and this starts the six month cooling-off period, after which any settlement entered into in the interim can be filed with the court. Mediation is to secure a mutually agreeable settlement (called MSA or marital settlement agreement in Cali) which is then filed with the court. After filing for divorce, during the cooling-off period, each spouse serves their financial disclosures upon the other and mediation, if parties agree to it, can proceed. Essentially, everything can, if the parties are amicable, be concluded nearly contemporaneously with filing and merely wait out the cooling off period until final filings are done and the marriage dissolved. In our case, we ran over six months but once the mediation was done, the MSA prepared and the documents filed with the court, with request for judgment by mail, we had our dissolution the very next business day. Your court will have all the required information for your process. In California, in our county, it's all available online. In our case, the delay resulted from my exW not following the procedures according to said information and the court repeatedly rejecting her filings. I was busy caregiving so didn't get involved until she got fed up. Following the court's procedures resulted in an easy and quick process. Good luck. Edited June 25, 2013 by carhill Dissolved, not resolved.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 So I guess I was wrong by thinking that the mediator file for you? I have to go and do that first I take it? Since he's in another state I wouldn't want to "surprise" him with this but want to be as open and fair as possible. Can I tell him I'm about to file without worrying about him being able to do something to me? He can't file where he is YET because he has to live there for 90 days before he can file and that time is not up YET.
carhill Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 It's possible and likely that a paid mediator, generally a lawyer, can file documents with the court for you, at a cost, if it is not included in the cost of mediation. We used a law school, and the mediation and MSA prep was free, so we were responsible for review and filing. If you and your H are amicable, sure you can advise him of impending filing and service. We (my exW) did that, and I had a nice conversation with the sheriff when he stopped by to serve the divorce papers. If other, I'd advise against it. IMO, there's really no 'surprise', since you're split up and living separately, and service is merely a formality and the respondent has plenty of time to form and file a response. It's really not a big deal, rather seems daunting because it's the big unknown and 'legal' stuff. It all works out. The main thing is working towards agreement. If you can do that, the rest of the stuff is mere procedure.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 I really appreciate your response! This is such a jungle and I've never felt so alone. The one person you want to automatically turn to is now your "enemy" and it's a terrible feeling! It's not that dramatic as him being my enemy but things really have changed and you can't turn to him for things anymore. I agree with you that it sure wouldn't come as a suprise if he got served papers suddenly but it feels so cold and heartless to me. Since he's residing in a different state I might tell him what I'm doing. But your response reminded me to call the mediators office tomorrow to see how to go about this. Maybe I can save money by actually going down to the court house myself and see how the filing process works and IF I can do that if we are going to use a mediator. It's not something they are supposed to do if you use one, is it? The little contact I've had with the mediator has been via emails and she's been very adament about us both being in the loop of emails. So I haven't felt comfortable asking her anything because she wanted to stay "so neutral". But I will call her office to see if her assistants can help explain the process for me. Also, I was told that you can deal with the mediator process all by email and phone, is that correct?
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 If you will be using a mediator, does the mediator file for divorce for you and when in the process does that happen? Would I be going about this wrong if I would to go and file for divorce myself before our scheduled phone conversation with mediator?
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Please forgive me for all my questions regarding this but I'm terribly nervous about our upcoming mediation. And no matter how much I try to read about this I'm still very uncertain to how this works. I assume she will tell us that we have to let her know about our finances. But what if hubby choose to not be honest about how much we had in our bank accounts, claim to make less money and doesn't even mention that he has a pension. Is the mediator so neutral that she won't even dig into this and just go with what he says? And what are my rights if I can't afford an attorney? If I during our conversation realize that he's lying about our assets do I speak up and tell her and where do we go from there? This is totally new territory to me....
tbf Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Nothing happens. Mediation has no legal teeth. A mediator helps couples come to agreements without coercion.
Damia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I am going through the same thing but i have a lawyer to represent me so she has told me what she needs. Do your research ,get copies of everything you can lay your hands on. Bank statements, insurance policies, assets, loans, mortgages etc Make a list of joint assets and who has what. List household chattels and who has what. I have done a relationship time line, and a work/ contribution time line. Your mediator will respect your preparation and even if you don't need some of it it will be at your fingertips if you do Information is power Also if you have info and he says different you have proof to support your argument. Good luck oh an if you are not happy or comfortable with what happens DON'T sign anything tell them you need to think about it and walk.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Although I'm in a really bad predicament and with no attorney I can't get any advice. I have to leave the country soon because of a family health emergency and be gone for quite a while. But I can't wait to FILE for divorce because if I do that gives him the chance to file in another state where he will soon be a resident and then I risk to lose my rights here in CA, I think? I don't feel like I can ask the mediator anything since she's supposed to be neutral and likes to only communicate with the two of us. So how do I go about this if I have to leave so soon but in need of filing something before I leave to not give him an advantage over me? Can one file and work out all the legal stuff and try to agree later? Your advice is so appreciated!
Damia Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 I do not live in the USA so can not offer any helpful advise I'm sorry. My lawyer told me not to file for divorce until I had settlement sorted. I have also found that finding/sorting information and educating myself has helped me feel more in control of my situation. I take small steps so I don't get overwhelmed wirh the bigger picture and eventually I accomplish my goals. It just takes a little more time. I hope some of this helps
SoleMate Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Mediation assumes two people who are at least somewhat motivated to work out their issues and honest about the facts, as well as relatively well matched in savviness and confidence. The mediator has no investigative teeth whatsoever. At best, she'll air your concern and give your H a chance to address it. The two of you are nominally in control of the discussion and the solutions reached and she is just there to facilitate, with no power of her own to judge or decide. To find hidden assets, you'll need to do the job yourself, or hire a forensic accountant and/or investigator.
GuyInLimbo Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Haven't you called the mediator with these questions? I know where I live, one party has to file with the court. But the mediator arranges for the sheriff to serve the other spouse at their office, so as not to be humiliated anywhere else or be surprised. The financial stuff, I believe, is based on both parties being honest. If you have or can get copies of everything, you can call him out on anything he may be hiding.
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