thecrucible Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Okay so been on a couple of dates with this guy. He is lovely and a true gent. We have a lot in common and have kissed. Thing is a couple of things put me off: 1. He told me that he has trouble working out whether to make moves with women. I don't mind giving a little reassurance but I don't want to get into a situation where he won't initiate without encouragement. 2. I don't feel that a guy wants me unless he makes consistent effort to get me. I don't think I'm any different to most women in this regard. Whilst I could push him more, it wouldn't make me feel valued by him and I know for a fact that this would make me feel insecure in his affections if we were to get more deeply involved. Well he said he is travelling to see me this weekend. His last text read, "looking forward to Saturday, but we can chat before then". Would rather he just started to chat, than say we can chat haha Well I like this guy. I don't even care that he's less experienced but I just want to feel wanted and chased. How do I encourage him to initiate more without stupid games or anything like that?
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 You cant. Thats why he is called a "shy guy", thats the personality. He doesnt know what hes doing, he told you so, so you cant expect him to take the lead without spelling it out to him. You might have to take it old school to make him into a man. "You need to take charge and grab me to make out, or I'll find someone who will." What you might need to do is start initiating, and after the first couple of times, where he is comfortable with you, and wont have to worry about rejection, then he will take the lead. Its up to you which way you want to go. 2
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Tell him what you want. He's not a mind reader.
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Yeah you just have to make sure he understands that it's ok to initiate stuff. That you're not going to turn him away or make him feel like he's doing something wrong...
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Yeah you just have to make sure he understands that it's ok to initiate stuff. That you're not going to turn him away or make him feel like he's doing something wrong... Oh man, and he will do things wrong, so you have to walk the thin line of helping him learn ,and not discouraging him if he does something awkward that might turn you off. 2
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Oh man, and he will do things wrong, so you have to walk the thin line of helping him learn ,and not discouraging him if he does something awkward that might turn you off. are you a shy guy eddie......deb
Author thecrucible Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Good idea. I will tell him but what is the best way? Is it just a matter of saying, 'hey this is what I expect from a guy'? I definitely told him this very clearly earlier but also told him that I'm not judging him for being a little shy and he opened up a lot after that because I gave him a chance and he felt comfortable enough around me to confide in me. Then we got pretty close and he initiated a kiss. One thing he said earlier threw me a little. I was saying that a previous bf didn't take the lead enough for my liking and he said, "Well I can take the lead in the bedroom. You can take the lead in the relationship". It did make me giggle but also made me wonder. Hmm
PJKino Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Some of us are just shy and a little passive you cant change peoples core..i guesd youre a women who wants a man to do most of the heavy lifting in a relationship.. Either give him some help and hints to make a few moves or leave him for someone else if you have such strict guidleines in what a man should be..
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 most guys don't like the chase. just tell him that he doesn't have to ask. seriously it's not that hard. Guys who have options don't have to chase. To me, chasing is desperate and wanting to be chased indicates games. 2
hppr Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Okay so been on a couple of dates with this guy. He is lovely and a true gent. We have a lot in common and have kissed. Thing is a couple of things put me off: 1. He told me that he has trouble working out whether to make moves with women. I don't mind giving a little reassurance but I don't want to get into a situation where he won't initiate without encouragement. 2. I don't feel that a guy wants me unless he makes consistent effort to get me. I don't think I'm any different to most women in this regard. Whilst I could push him more, it wouldn't make me feel valued by him and I know for a fact that this would make me feel insecure in his affections if we were to get more deeply involved. Well he said he is travelling to see me this weekend. His last text read, "looking forward to Saturday, but we can chat before then". Would rather he just started to chat, than say we can chat haha Well I like this guy. I don't even care that he's less experienced but I just want to feel wanted and chased. How do I encourage him to initiate more without stupid games or anything like that? Sounds like a regular respectful guy to me.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 are you a shy guy eddie......deb I used to be long ago, so I remember what its like to be afraid to make a move, literally because I had no idea what moves to make. If he has done it before, then I dont know what he would be shy about.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Good idea. I will tell him but what is the best way? Is it just a matter of saying, 'hey this is what I expect from a guy'? I definitely told him this very clearly earlier but also told him that I'm not judging him for being a little shy and he opened up a lot after that because I gave him a chance and he felt comfortable enough around me to confide in me. Then we got pretty close and he initiated a kiss. One thing he said earlier threw me a little. I was saying that a previous bf didn't take the lead enough for my liking and he said, "Well I can take the lead in the bedroom. You can take the lead in the relationship". It did make me giggle but also made me wonder. Hmm Try just initiating kisses first, if you can get him used to feeling like its ok to make out by example, then you dont have to say anything, at least at first. As far as him saying you can take the lead in the relationship, then youre in trouble!
tbf Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 If you want a more assertive man, why are you targeting shy, passive men? It makes no sense to demand change on such a visceral level. 1
crude Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Why are women so shallow that they're obsessed with the man being the aggressor? The guy doesn't want to take the lead, either initiate or get another guy. I get the feeling that if a woman had to choose between a shy, wonderful human being and a "confident, aggressive" serial killer, Ted Bundy would be your choice. Why can't you let a man be what he is, and not try to change him? 1
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I used to be long ago, so I remember what its like to be afraid to make a move, literally because I had no idea what moves to make. If he has done it before, then I dont know what he would be shy about. your posts are very thoughtful and precisely.....rockin....:0).....good work soldier....deb 1
Author thecrucible Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 If you want a more assertive man, why are you targeting shy, passive men? It makes no sense to demand change on such a visceral level. Oh I wouldn't say I'm targeting any particular type of man. He's someone I met through online dating. I wouldn't say he's not assertive either. He came across as fairly confident to me, even if a little nervous. I think a guy can be confident in general and still be shy about making certain moves or knowing how to do a relationship if he hasn't had one already. Well he really got deep in confiding in me which I think was pretty brave of him and meant something for him to get candid, considering he's a man as well. As I say I can totally see it from his point of view, the pressure of organising a date as well as trying to woo someone. I really do like him. I'll just have to be slow at figuring him out completely. I'll have to ask him to clarify what he meant when he said, "you take the lead in the relationship" haha. I gathered at the time that he meant he'd have to learn a bit from me. I didn't think he meant it literally but we'll see. Like I said, I don't want to change him. All I'm concerned about is maintaining a traditional relationship dynamic, and in feeling appreciated by the man. I just want to help him get out of his shell. I don't think he's a completely passive guy, knowing other things about his life and personality.
na49 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 He probably still "appreciates" you. Just not in the ways you want to be appreciated. Also shyness is really due to a lack of confidence. It's afraid of being ridiculed for messing up. People who are comfortable in their own skin usually aren't shy. How long have you two been dating?
tbf Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I really do like him. I'll just have to be slow at figuring him out completely. I'll have to ask him to clarify what he meant when he said, "you take the lead in the relationship" haha. I gathered at the time that he meant he'd have to learn a bit from me. I didn't think he meant it literally but we'll see.If he's simply inexperienced, why can't you be the one to take your relationship to the next level of physicality? This way, he can be assured of when you're ready for more and if he's as you say, confident, then after the first initiation, he should be comfortable to take the lead the next time and your traditional dynamics should occur after that. Of course the above is premised on an accurate read by you, of his actual nature. If your read is inaccurate, he'll continue to be passive in your interactions and expect you to initiate every time.
carhill Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Well he said he is travelling to see me this weekend. I don't feel that a guy wants me unless he makes consistent effort to get me Hmm.... words fail me. 3
happywithlife Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Just because he's a bit shy now doesn't mean he will always be that way! When I started dating my boyfriend 6 months ago, he was not aggressive in what many would consider the typical male fashion. He would ask me if it was ok to hold my hand, if he could give me a kiss, if I felt comfortable with the speed at which we were taking things, it it was ok to chat later that evening. We're both in our mid-thirties and both have been married. At first I was a bit taken a back by it because most of the men I went out on dates with after my divorce were much more pushy. I really enjoyed spending time with him so I didn't blow him off. And boy am I so glad. He's an amazing person and I wouldn't use the word shy to describe him now! In my opinion, if you have a good time with him, keep seeing him. My bet is that he will become a lot less "shy" once he realizes you are comfortable with him.
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 He is lovely and a true gent. 2. I don't feel that a guy wants me unless he makes consistent effort to get me. I don't think I'm any different to most women in this regard. Whilst I could push him more, it wouldn't make me feel valued by him and I know for a fact that this would make me feel insecure in his affections if we were to get more deeply involved. Well he said he is travelling to see me this weekend. Well I like this guy. I don't even care that he's less experienced but I just want to feel wanted and chased. So confused. He is lovely and a GENTLEMAN. But...your need to be 'chased' turns you off him? How exactly does one chase you?
BradJacobs Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Here's the risk: You invest in him and he never becomes assertive enough for you. You invest in him and he grows to be what you need him to be. But inside he's still the shy guy and will eventually return to his roots. By then you may just accept him for it because he makes you happy or you might leave him for it because you can't be happy with it. You invest in him and he forever changes to be the assertive man you want to chase and win you. It's a draw at 1-1-1. However, never ever get into something hoping to change the person you're with. Do you realize how many guys will dump you when they realize that they are being molded? I never understood this mentality. Why start something with someone that you are not compatible with? 1
jma500 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I just don't see why being a shy guy is such a deal breaker. For me my shyness manifests itself in that I thoroughly evaluate things. I never blindly jump into things. Of course this means I talk myself out of doing things too.
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