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Met a good guy... I think?

ddlovexx

By ddlovexx
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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

Posted
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Hey LS,

 

I'm feeling a little weird about things today so I'd like some input if you could. :)

 

Now, let me start by saying I met him through good friends who wouldn't steer me wrong, and he seems to be a really nice guy. So I met him once or twice before, but the other night when we were out we were flirty and it was fun and I went back to his place after the night was over. We wound up just playing shuffleboard and drinking a bit, we made out and he asked me to stay the night. We only cuddled and made out and I told him I didn't want to go further in case there's potential for us, and he said we didn't have to rush. He's 34 and I'm 22. We've both expressed that the age difference doesn't bother us. He owns his own company and has been really sweet and affectionate. When I told my (and his) friends that we'd been hanging out they were excited about it and kept saying that he's a good guy.

 

So I hung out again with him the other night and we just stayed in and watched TV and made out, cuddled, fooled around just a little... he asked me to stay the night again and I did. When I left he gave me a kiss and said he would see me again on Tues or Wed depending on his schedule and I said okay, sounds good.

 

He didn't text me at all yesterday and I texted him at night just saying "drive safe" because I knew he was taking a 2 hour drive home after work that day. He never responded but this morning I said "hey" and so far we've made plans to stay in again tonight. I asked if he wanted to grab food or something but he said he would be done golfing at 8 and just head home, I said okay. I asked if he was sure he wasn't too tired to hang and his response was "depends what ur up for? down to hang out?" and it gave me a really weird vibe. Shouldn't he be asking me to go out and do things? I feel like I should have just waited for him to text me first.

 

He cuddles me the whole time we're together and we're learning a little bit more about each other every time we hang out. On one hand he seems really sweet and as though he could be interested in forming some kind of dating relationship. And on the other hand I'm worried I'm reading a little too much into it... Or am I just over-thinking? I don't know. I have half a mind to ask him if he sees this going anywhere but is "hanging out" with someone for a week too soon to ask that? Bah! It's fine either way, no loss or gain ya know but my mind is in limbo. I could just be over thinking it and feeling weird because I rarely meet guys like him. Maybe it's the weather... haha :confused:

Edited by ddlovexx
Phantom888 Established Member

Phantom888

Posted
Posted

The age difference is concerning because you are simply at different stages of your life. When you are his age, and look back, you will realize you were a completely different person. I can't imagine conversation to be interesting because you two are probably into completely different things. So you cuddle.... I remember a few years ago when I was 34, I saw women in their early 20s as too immature and dramatic for me. The really couldn't imagine dating them unless i wanted only sex and nothing else. So if you a relationship with this dude, you gotta understand what you two like about each other. I would think cuddling may get boring pretty soon if you guys dont go out and do stuff.

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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

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Posted (edited)

I get that, but I've been on my own for years and I work and go to school so I'm on the mature side. And I agree with what you're saying... my concern is am I over thinking things? Should I ask him where his head is at or just let it play out?

Edited by ddlovexx
Lansing Established Member

Lansing

Posted
Posted

Don't settle for "hanging out" at his place if you want to go on dates. Let him make some efforts and see if he invites you out to an event or activity or dinner or whatever. Maybe he suggested hanging out at his place because he felt like you wanted to see him right away by contacting him and he was fitting you into his schedule.

 

I think you are better off letting him do the contacting. If he texts or calls you then respond (don't play "wait a day" type games) but if he says "come on over" again tell him you would like to go out and do something (maybe even have an idea in mind in case he doesn't have an idea right away).

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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

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Lansing, you're right. After tonight I don't think I'm going to initiate contact at all... 'cause in doing so tonight I'm left feeling a little foolish. :(

 

Thank you for the input!

Ripnet Established Member

Ripnet

Posted
Posted (edited)
Don't settle for "hanging out" at his place if you want to go on dates. Let him make some efforts and see if he invites you out to an event or activity or dinner or whatever. Maybe he suggested hanging out at his place because he felt like you wanted to see him right away by contacting him and he was fitting you into his schedule.

 

I think you are better off letting him do the contacting. If he texts or calls you then respond (don't play "wait a day" type games) but if he says "come on over" again tell him you would like to go out and do something (maybe even have an idea in mind in case he doesn't have an idea right away).

Right, playing silly games like this isn't going to help anyone.

 

If i am expected to initiate all contact then I assume a woman isn't interested. Every woman that was truly interested initiate contact with me at least some of the time. Most times before I had the chance to contact them they contacted me.

 

 

 

I asked if he was sure he wasn't too tired to hang and his response was "depends what ur up for? down to hang out?"

I think your mistake is making out with the guy without really getting to know him. He probably just wanted sex because you guys were making out. When you told him there won't be any sex he probably lost interest.

Edited by Ripnet
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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

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Ripnet, it's not that there won't be sex, it's just too soon for me. And after talking to our friends, he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy at all.

 

But we were supposed to hang out tonight and now I still haven't heard from him and I'm feeling a little cruddy about it. Maybe he's just not as interested as he seemed to be, after all, in the beginning aren't you supposed to be a little more goo goo gaga over a girl you've just met? :rolleyes:

 

I don't know, blegh... but what I do know is that I won't be initiating contact anymore.

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Ripnet Established Member

Ripnet

Posted
Posted
Ripnet, it's not that there won't be sex, it's just too soon for me. And after talking to our friends, he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy at all.

 

But we were supposed to hang out tonight and now I still haven't heard from him and I'm feeling a little cruddy about it. Maybe he's just not as interested as he seemed to be, after all, in the beginning aren't you supposed to be a little more goo goo gaga over a girl you've just met? :rolleyes:

 

I don't know, blegh... but what I do know is that I won't be initiating contact anymore.

I know that silly. You're missing the point. He wants sex now. LOL

 

I assure you if I like a woman I will walk 10 miles if I needed to. He's making excuses.

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SoulJazzBlues Established Member

SoulJazzBlues

Posted
Posted
Hey LS,

 

We only cuddled and made out and I told him I didn't want to go further in case there's potential for us, and he said we didn't have to rush. He's 34 and I'm 22. We've both expressed that the age difference doesn't bother us.

 

Shouldn't he be asking me to go out and do things? I feel like I should have just waited for him to text me first.

 

He cuddles me the whole time we're together and we're learning a little bit more about each other every time we hang out. On one hand he seems really sweet and as though he could be interested in forming some kind of dating relationship. And on the other hand I'm worried I'm reading a little too much into it... Or am I just over-thinking? I don't know. I have half a mind to ask him if he sees this going anywhere but is "hanging out" with someone for a week too soon to ask that?

 

First. Don't say that to a guy. If you know you need to be committed, require a title etc, you don't need to express it verbally to a guy the second you meet.

 

Second. One week is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too soon to have those type of discussions. Nothing good rarely comes out of it.

 

Three. Go with your gut. Your gut is telling you exactly what is going on. This guy is putting in minimum effort, you're accepting it by going over to his house thus confirming you are fine with it. He is not the bad guy, you just aren't showing in your ACTIONS that you want something different. You've asked to move things beyond the house and he hasn't been receptive. That answers your questions really.

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BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

Posted
Posted
my concern is am I over thinking things? Should I ask him where his head is at or just let it play out?

Let it play out and, yes, I think that you're overthinking things.

 

I was in a relationship with a young 20 something when I was 34 and it last almost a year and a half. We drifted apart but age was something neither one of us cared about.

 

RE: the dates versus hanging out ... some people just want to be at home and do dates on the weekends. If this is important to you then speak up. It may not even be something that's registering on this chap's mind because he's used to staying in Sunday through Thursday (school nights / work week decompressing type of things).

 

Good luck!

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

He should take you out on actual dates if he wanted a relationship. Not looking good at all. Maybe a "good guy" to his friends, family, pets, neighbors, but not a good dating prospect by the look of things right now. You allow him to treat you this way, you're settling for less. Once you started this way, it'll be hard to get back to "normal". I'd stop responding to any "hanging out" requests. Respond only if he takes you out on an actual date.

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brandnew2 Member

brandnew2

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Posted

As soon as I saw the age difference I knew pretty much how this would turn out.

 

I've been viewing these forums a lot more frequently lately and it's so funny to see how similar so many of these stories are. The title is pretty ironic because you clearly want to see him as a 'good guy' because you are attracted to him. You're attracted to the fact that he owns his own company and he seems to be successful and established which is what you 20 somethings crave.

 

But what about his actions make him a good guy? Ha. He actually seems like a jerk to me. Are you calling him a good guy just because he didn't bang you the first time you met? Remember, he was totally going for it until you verbally told him not to.

 

It should always be a huge red flag to you women when a guy will only see you if its in a place that facilitates sex. He knows he has a decent chance to get some if you come over. If you meet out to eat or something... not so much. Also, I would never, ever ask a girl I respected more than a hook up "down to hang out?"

 

It kind of makes me sad that you seem to have hope that this will blossom into some sort of a relationship.

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BeholdtheMan Established Member

BeholdtheMan

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Posted

He's 34. He's experienced enough to know that chasing you too hard will decrease his chances of sex. He's letting you come to him. I mean, it's kinda working...you're all wondering what he's thinking and posting on this forum

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

We only cuddled and made out and I told him I didn't want to go further in case there's potential for us, and he said we didn't have to rush. He's 34 and I'm 22. We've both expressed that the age difference doesn't bother us.

Of course it doesn't bother him. You are a 22 year-old chick who is easily manipulated. What's not to like?

I asked if he was sure he wasn't too tired to hang and his response was "depends what ur up for? down to hang out?" and it gave me a really weird vibe. Shouldn't he be asking me to go out and do things?

[....]

And on the other hand I'm worried I'm reading a little too much into it... Or am I just over-thinking? I don't know. I have half a mind to ask him if he sees this going anywhere but is "hanging out" with someone for a week too soon to ask that? Bah! It's fine either way, no loss or gain ya know but my mind is in limbo. I could just be over thinking it and feeling weird because I rarely meet guys like him. Maybe it's the weather... haha :confused:

You are smart to have questions about this because as other posters pointed it out, it's likely to be only about sex. You are a young girl who is easy prey

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Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

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Older guys can play young 20 somethings like fiddles...it's easy to create a facade and score big points just for appearing to be a decent human being.

 

His interest and motivation seem to be geared towards sex, and I really wouldn't go based off what your friends say, you should still use your common sense and intuition, because It's easy to win over people on the surface if you have a half decent personality and charm...so that's not really a challenge, especially with younger women who are easily impressed by the smallest amount of non-aggression.

 

He may cuddling you now, but he knows he'll be poking you later...as a younger woman he'd expect you to be a little cautious but he's just putting in a few days or so until he can gain your trust then he'll strike and it's all down hill from there....men know that once you're emotionally wrapped up you'll be eating out of the palm of their hand, so it's really just a matter of time.

 

I don't see what makes him such a nice guy, I think he's just really nice on the surface...I know guys who are the nicest guys in the world on the surface but behind the scenes they have the same agenda as someone who was blatantly just aggressively looking for a hook-up, it's just game in most cases...right now to me he's showing a lot of laziness and minimal effort, and honestly that's about all it takes...if he's experienced he knows that it doesn't take much and if he's already gotten you back to his place a few times he knows it's just a matter of short time until he gets you into bed...likely the next time...and then from there he'll likely just maintain the stance of being busy at work doing this or that and contacting you when it's convenient for him.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Older guys can play young 20 somethings like fiddles...it's easy to create a facade and score big points just for appearing to be a decent human being.

 

His interest and motivation seem to be geared towards sex, and I really wouldn't go based off what your friends say, you should still use your common sense and intuition, because It's easy to win over people on the surface if you have a half decent personality and charm...so that's not really a challenge, especially with younger women who are easily impressed by the smallest amount of non-aggression.

 

.............

 

I don't see what makes him such a nice guy, I think he's just really nice on the surface...

 

Totally agree with this OP.

 

Ask yourself, what makes him a nice guy exactly?

 

I know men who are great fathers, great at work, great with their friends, but really are horrible partners or would be.

 

Selfish, dishonest, lazy... all that. In fact, I'd argue that is the rule more than the exception... given how easy it is for a half-way attractive guy to get laid.

 

Make him prove that he wants a relationship with YOU... Don't be so easily impressed with the façade.

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Lansing Established Member

Lansing

Posted
Posted

It is good to be cautious but part of the appeal of some younger girls for me is that they haven't written all men off as "pigs" that "just want sex" yet. I am one of those guys looking for a relationship and looking to develop trust and understanding. So many threads on here will automatically say "guy wants sex" .... That isn't always true. There are some decent guys out there that are looking for a real connection.... And, yeah, I have had interest in girls 10 years younger than me but I was more attracted to their personalties than their looks

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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

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Jeez, everyone kind of jumped down his throat. I did mention that I've known him for a few months and have hung out briefly with him and friends.

 

He did actually call me last night after he was out and I went over and we just hung out again as he was tired from work earlier. He talked about how he has to be down the shore for work for a week (construction stuff) and he said when he came back he would take me to dinner. I think it's just a matter of letting things happen as they happen and not worrying so much about it.

 

Part of the reason I said he's a good guy is because he is friends with some of my good friends and if they didn't think this could possibly go anywhere, they would've told me not to bother- they've done it before.

 

If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. My question was if it was too soon to ask where it could go and I realize that it is way too soon to even be thinking about it- I just need to go with the flow. I'm not necessarily seeking a relationship at this point in my life anyway, but I'm not opposed to it happening. I do think that it's best for me to wait for him to come my way from now on though.

 

Thanks for the all the input!

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted (edited)
It is good to be cautious but part of the appeal of some younger girls for me is that they haven't written all men off as "pigs" that "just want sex" yet. I am one of those guys looking for a relationship and looking to develop trust and understanding. So many threads on here will automatically say "guy wants sex" .... That isn't always true. There are some decent guys out there that are looking for a real connection.... And, yeah, I have had interest in girls 10 years younger than me but I was more attracted to their personalties than their looks

 

dont confuse expecting a guy to show legitimate interest with an assumption that "all men are pigs".

 

it is no mystery that younger women have lower standards...or at least undeveloped ones. Pair that with their desire to be veiwed as more mature than they are and wha la.... easy pickings.... to each his or her own though.

Edited by RedRobin
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted

op... at the start of this thread it sounded like you were looking for a relationship...

 

you hardly know the guy and you are already jumping to his defense and watering down your expectations... or maybe that was what you were looking for all along? you are ok being in a casual or fwb situation? because you certainly are setting the stage for that.

 

I mean, you are kinda proving our point here...

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BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

Posted
Posted
He did actually call me last night after he was out and I went over and we just hung out again as he was tired from work earlier. He talked about how he has to be down the shore for work for a week (construction stuff) and he said when he came back he would take me to dinner. I think it's just a matter of letting things happen as they happen and not worrying so much about it.

Good plan and this additional information gives very concrete reasons why he's wanting to hang out more than go out. The man sounds like he has more responsibilities to care for than your normal, everyday 9-5 work drone.

 

Best of luck! Hope whatever it ends up being is what you also want and need it to be.

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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

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op... at the start of this thread it sounded like you were looking for a relationship...

 

you hardly know the guy and you are already jumping to his defense and watering down your expectations... or maybe that was what you were looking for all along? you are ok being in a casual or fwb situation? because you certainly are setting the stage for that.

 

I mean, you are kinda proving our point here...

 

No, it was more of me questioning his feelings and wondering if I should ask at this point. I don't need a fwb and if that was the case I would've went to bed with him already and not had any other kind of interest. I'm saying I'm expecting us to keep seeing each other for a while to see where it goes.

 

I think everyone missed the point... was it too soon to ask where it could possibly go/where he stands, which I've discovered it's not only too soon, but I don't know if it would matter as much because I'm not ready to rush into a relationship.

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ddlovexx Established Member

ddlovexx

Posted
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Good plan and this additional information gives very concrete reasons why he's wanting to hang out more than go out. The man sounds like he has more responsibilities to care for than your normal, everyday 9-5 work drone.

 

Best of luck! Hope whatever it ends up being is what you also want and need it to be.

 

Yes! He actually owns his own company and is filming here and there for renovation shows so he's quite busy. But it seems as though when he is around he does want to spend time with me and has mentioned going to dinner and a baseball game, so we will see!

iamawesome Established Member

iamawesome

Posted
Posted
Older guys can play young 20 somethings like fiddles...it's easy to create a facade and score big points just for appearing to be a decent human being.

 

His interest and motivation seem to be geared towards sex, and I really wouldn't go based off what your friends say, you should still use your common sense and intuition, because It's easy to win over people on the surface if you have a half decent personality and charm...so that's not really a challenge, especially with younger women who are easily impressed by the smallest amount of non-aggression.

 

He may cuddling you now, but he knows he'll be poking you later...as a younger woman he'd expect you to be a little cautious but he's just putting in a few days or so until he can gain your trust then he'll strike and it's all down hill from there....men know that once you're emotionally wrapped up you'll be eating out of the palm of their hand, so it's really just a matter of time.

 

I don't see what makes him such a nice guy, I think he's just really nice on the surface...I know guys who are the nicest guys in the world on the surface but behind the scenes they have the same agenda as someone who was blatantly just aggressively looking for a hook-up, it's just game in most cases...right now to me he's showing a lot of laziness and minimal effort, and honestly that's about all it takes...if he's experienced he knows that it doesn't take much and if he's already gotten you back to his place a few times he knows it's just a matter of short time until he gets you into bed...likely the next time...and then from there he'll likely just maintain the stance of being busy at work doing this or that and contacting you when it's convenient for him.

 

This literally just happened to a friend of mine. Don't be naive, this man speaks the truth.

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RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted (edited)
No, it was more of me questioning his feelings and wondering if I should ask at this point. I don't need a fwb and if that was the case I would've went to bed with him already and not had any other kind of interest. I'm saying I'm expecting us to keep seeing each other for a while to see where it goes.

 

I think everyone missed the point... was it too soon to ask where it could possibly go/where he stands, which I've discovered it's not only too soon, but I don't know if it would matter as much because I'm not ready to rush into a relationship.

 

Yet, you keep going over to his house... and 'hanging out'. Sorry, what you are saying and what you are doing seem to be a little inconsistent for someone who is looking for a relationship... albeit not rushing into one.

 

What you are actually doing is more consistent with FWB setups whether you know it or not. That is what we are trying to tell you.

 

A guy who was really interested will find other things to do besides hang out. He will want to call in between dates to get to know you... I mean... think about it... what do YOU do when you like someone?

 

You say you've known him a few months and his first suggestion is for you to 'hang out'?

 

I dunno. Something smells fishy to me.

 

But if you are ok with how things are going... that's fine. I can also see that you are pretty impressed with his job. That makes things a lot easier for him, for sure. (shakes head).

Edited by RedRobin
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