miss_jaclynrae Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 What have you seen more success in when it comes to having a relationship? For me personally, I have always had more success with men who either I or they cold approached. I have had only one relationship where we were friends first, it was fun and awesome getting to know one another outside of an actually exclusive relationship, but once we DID become exclusive, it wasn't what I thought it would be. Cold approach dating has always been far more successful. You already know the person is fully interested because they are dating you, and the getting to know each other experience was far more intimate. Thoughts?
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hate cold approaching. I always feel more comfortable meeting someone through friends. They know the girl and how interested she is.
KungFuJoe Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 All of my "experience" except for my very first gf has been spur of the moment types of deals. I really have not done much dating in the conventional sense of asking a girl out, getting to know her, things progressing slowly, etc. I'm a strong believer in that instant, undeniable chemistry you feel when you meet someone. And I don't mean "oh that person is cute" kind of attraction. I'm talking about, "OMG I have to see this person again" where you can't stop thinking about them.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 All of my "experience" except for my very first gf has been spur of the moment types of deals. I really have not done much dating in the conventional sense of asking a girl out, getting to know her, things progressing slowly, etc. I'm a strong believer in that instant, undeniable chemistry you feel when you meet someone. And I don't mean "oh that person is cute" kind of attraction. I'm talking about, "OMG I have to see this person again" where you can't stop thinking about them. That is how it worked with my man now, which was a cold approach. Which is why I assume cold approaches always worked better for me. It was instant we need to see each other again vs building a relationship stemming from a friendship.
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 What have you seen more success in when it comes to having a relationship? Meeting as otherwise strangers or distant acquaintances has been the sole commonality in my LTR's and M. After dozens to hundreds of 'befriending' dynamics over about 15 years, I finally changed my style and met some success. 'Friends first' never worked for me in my demographic, though it did result in some dates. 1
RedRobin Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Just the opposite for me... The men I met through work, friends, or family were the better relationships by far. Men who cold approached turned out to be nightmares. I won't date strangers at all now. I'm friendly to them, but won't date them. 1
MrCastle Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Everything has been social circle. I'm a strong supporter of that, but you can't rule anything out. I'm considering doing some cold approaches this summer as school is out and I can't rely on girls in class anymore. But most women I speak to say they're not very open to having a man approach them in public. Guess we'll see how it goes
ThaWholigan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Things work differently with people definitely. I seem to have done very slightly better with cold approach funnily enough, but OLD is the only thing that worked so far . I suspect social circle will start to work for me soon. 2
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 What about in the middle? Not cold approaching by completely strangers but neither were they friends friends. Basically men who I knew off because they may be in the same circle of folk I hang out with but they weren't my friends. That's usually how I go. 1
Estate Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 What have you seen more success in when it comes to having a relationship? For me personally, I have always had more success with men who either I or they cold approached. I have had only one relationship where we were friends first, it was fun and awesome getting to know one another outside of an actually exclusive relationship, but once we DID become exclusive, it wasn't what I thought it would be. Cold approach dating has always been far more successful. You already know the person is fully interested because they are dating you, and the getting to know each other experience was far more intimate. Thoughts? Cold approach by far.
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) All of my Rs have stemmed from friendships, as have the majority of Rs amongst the people I know. Although one of them was a 'friendship' of only 2 weeks before he asked me out, though, so perhaps best to redefine 'friends' in that case. In general, though, the traits that attract me to a guy tend to take a while to make themselves known, hence that may be self-selecting bias - I've never agreed to a cold approach because I simply can't be attracted after 5 minutes of talking. The friendships method has worked well for me, removing the games/uncertainty phase that many complain about in dating - we got to know each other deeply as individuals before anything romantic or sexual happened, and interest, tension, and emotional intimacy was palpable on both sides before the guy even asks me out... so the Rs that stemmed from them have turned out reasonably well. Sure, things sometimes don't work out in the long term for various reasons, as in my past two failed Rs (10 months and 1.5 years each), but the dating phase has never been an issue for me. Still happily in a 5-year R with a guy whom I was friends with for quite a long time before dating. Cold approaches might work in a different demographic/culture - I understand that friendships developing into Rs isn't common in the USA. To me, it feels like a very 'business-y' approach though, especially the guys who make it a point to cold approach 10 girls a day or something. I can understand why some men may want to do that, but being girl #467 of the month who finally agreed to go out with him wouldn't really appeal to me. Edited June 26, 2013 by Elswyth 1
phineas Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Cold approach usually ended up in a ONS for me or sex a few times then *poof* Knowing someone first usually ended up in actual dating. However, if it didn't go from friends to sex to dating it not only went anywhere, but I wound up getting lead on & used. So I leave it up to women I already know to decide if their interested. If they are, they put themselves into a situation where we are alone & either jump me or make it obvious I should have sex with them. (I used to be really bad at the 2nd one because umm we are friends so why would I make a move?) LOL!
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 ALL my relationships have stemmed from being introduced to a guy by a friend and then him asking me out during the first conversation. And a few shorter ones through OLD. None have stemmed from friendship or work although I really wish I could get to know someone like that and then date.
kaylan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Hmmm, most girls Ive been involved with in a relationship or casually dating were women I met through friends. Ive had a few cold approach experiences where I or the girl approached one another. I cannot say whether cold approaching or being friends was more successful. They each have their positives and negatives. Things feel comfortable and safe with a friend, and I enjoy moving to that next level. One of my exes and I were best friends before we dated. The drawback to dating a friend is that I usually end up losing the friendship after we dated or hooked up. And when I havent lost the friendship completely, things are still never the same. We just became distant, but still stay in touch. With cold approaching I enjoy getting to know someone and learning all these new things. A drawback though is that it takes me longer to be comfortable around them and allow myself to be vulnerable. The trust has to be established. However, if things dont work out early on, I never have to worry about losing a friend. Im able to easily cut ties and not care about it really.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 For me, evem though I was introduced by friends it was almost like cold approach since I didn't get to know them slowly. It was one conversation, he asks for my number boom we are dating. I dunno my personality is probably too extreme for slow burn. I'm unlikely to stay around being friends with a guy while secretly hoping for more. If I want more, I make a move right then.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 The only exception to this is my boss but I couldn't make a move because he was married and is my boss. He is about to file for divorce after being separated for a while and I'm going to move on to another job. I am totally asking him out then.
Els Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I dunno my personality is probably too extreme for slow burn. Yeah, I think different approaches just work best for different personalities, really, as opposed to debating about which one works best.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 (edited) 0% success with each. 0% with approaching in daytime. 0% approaching in bars and clubs. 0% in high school, college, grad school, and grad school II. 0% at every job (though didn't try at every one). Getting approached by a woman = 0%, never happened. Friends first (TRUE friends) = 0% As someone mentioned before, cold approach is all about looks, thus the posted percentages. Basically, anytime I was presented off the bat as a romantic option, it was failure. With meeting through friends in a non-romantic scenario, but not quite being friends, like 2-3% success. Getting to know a woman first and having her like me as a friend should have worked. But it hasn't. I think that is what pisses me off more than anything else about my dating failures. So, the key for me is not to be presented as a romantic option right away, but to also not get to know the person as a friend, where I'll feel some attachment. Precarious situation. Edited June 26, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
irc333 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Though, I do like it when the situation starts off as a friendship...as I 'm sure with most men...most of them put me in the "Friendzone", so I wind up moving on and out of their lives anyhow. So the cold approach is probably the best shot with me....but I sometimes try to mix i tup. Sure, I can build great rapport with women, make them laugh, and even they can vouch for my good character, but date me....not so much. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Though, I do like it when the situation starts off as a friendship...as I 'm sure with most men...most of them put me in the "Friendzone", so I wind up moving on and out of their lives anyhow. Sure, I can build great rapport with women, make them laugh, and even they can vouch for my good character, but date me....not so much. Pretty much the answer to every single thread male thread ever created here.
BeholdtheMan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I don't think "befriending" is a good term. It sort of implies lack of sexual tension. When I approach someone in my social circle (say, a female friend of a female friend), I don't try to come off as some dude who just wants to be friends. That's rather dishonest because you're concealing your true intentions. I try to create some sexual tension, let her know that I'm attracted to her, put my charm and confidence to use. Approaching a woman as if you're only interested in pure friendship is an easy way to get friend-zoned. 1
Emilia Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I have had only one relationship where we were friends first, it was fun and awesome getting to know one another outside of an actually exclusive relationship, but once we DID become exclusive, it wasn't what I thought it would be. Same to the above. I don't find that friendship first works particularly well for me. I think the dynamic becomes quite different as it turns romantic and you both tolerate less in the other person than you do in a friend anyway. Otherwise, all my relationships started from either cold approach or being introduced through a friend - ie in social circle. So to me it's a combination of these two.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Friendship doesn't seem to work well because I spend 90% of the time discussing other men with my male friends. It's not exactly a sexy/romantic scenario. I tend to always ask them for advice.
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