mfleck91 Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 This has been in my mind a lot lately. I thought I had been doing pretty well the last couple weeks and planned a date with this girl. I was excited at first, but as the day grew closer I became less interested and on the actual date I could only think of my ex. How is it that my ex was able to rebound so easily? How long does it usually take for someone to be ready for a new relationship? I just can't picture myself going on a date an not constantly comparing the girl to my ex.
Oldcatskinner Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Mfleck91, You ask fair questions. I've asked them myself. It is not for you to know why your ex rebounds so easily. You are not your ex, and your ex is not you. People handle situations in their own way. What is right for you may appall others, and vice versa. Besides, it may be an illusion that your ex is rebounding so easily, but who knows? I went on a date last Thursday, and it was the first date I have been on since my ex and I split. It was nice, and we decided to go on another here in a few days. What made it a good decision for me was understanding that as long as pined over my ex, no other girl would compare. Be careful of getting into the downward spiraling cycle of comparing others to your ex, and not dating because of this. This is a self fulfilling prophecy, and a disastrous one at that. Go be you. If you are not ready to date because you need to work on yourself, great! Don't be concerned with how much time should pass before you should date again; it is nobody's business but your own. If you work and improve on yourself, and find security and confidence in your abilities and strengths while working to improve and accept that there are weaknesses you possess, you are way ahead of the post breakup curve. You'll do fine! 1
Author mfleck91 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I do realize that I need to be happy being single before I can try to be happy in a relationship. I am just having difficulty finding that happiness in single life. Sadly I don't have any friends, only 2 or 3, because I was so focused on my relationship. I'm also shy so that makes things all the more difficult. It doesn't help that I know my ex is with another guy, happy, not thinking at all about me. (Even though I shouldn't care at all about what she is doing)
tbf Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 When you can imagine your ex banging another person without getting upset, you're now ready for another relationship. 2
Author mfleck91 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 When you can imagine your ex banging another person without getting upset, you're now ready for another relationship. No offense, but I think that's a very shallow way of looking at it. The emotions in a relationship mean much more than the sex and are therefore much harder to conquer when the relationship ends. If I only cared about sex I know where I could find it, the emotional connection is entirely more complex 3
tbf Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 No offense, but I think that's a very shallow way of looking at it. The emotions in a relationship mean much more than the sex and are therefore much harder to conquer when the relationship ends. If I only cared about sex I know where I could find it, the emotional connection is entirely more complexNo offense but you took that in the most shallow way possible. If sex is tied into emotions with you, the thought of an ex being intimate with another man should fry your brain if you're not over her.
Author mfleck91 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 No offense but you took that in the most shallow way possible. If sex is tied into emotions with you, the thought of an ex being intimate with another man should fry your brain if you're not over her. FAir enough, it's not as though the thought of her screwing another guy doesn't bother, it does, it infuriates me. But I am more bothered by the idea of her telling another guy she loves him.
carhill Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 How is it that my ex was able to rebound so easily? Different emotional style and/or pre-processing of the breakup are two of many potential reasons. How long does it usually take for someone to be ready for a new relationship? Each person is unique, as is each relationship, so necessarily different in recovery. I just can't picture myself going on a date an not constantly comparing the girl to my ex. One test is to ask a lady on a date and, if accepted, go on one. It's a date, not a lifetime commitment. Socializing. See what happens. If you find yourself 'constantly comparing the girl to my ex', then you're not ready for a relationship, but perhaps casual dating, if that is your style. Nothing wrong with being single and choosing not to date. It's a choice. See what works for you. Good luck.
athousandquestions Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Not to sound cheesy, but when you are ready you will know You will be excited to go on a date, and maybe you'll realize 'Hey I haven't thought of my ex in a while." but you will leave it at that. You will have an amazing date, or maybe it won't be the best time, but you'll go home and you'll have enjoyed yourself and not once will you have wondered what your ex is doing, what she is up to, who she is with, why she is rebounding faster than you, etc. because it won't matter how or why she does anything, you will have moved on.
BustedUpInside Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I agree that you won't be ready until you are and you really will just know. However, there is no way to get that knowledge or come to that realization unless you actually put yourself out there. You will probably go on a lot of dates before you find yourself ready for another relationship. Start off slow. You don't have to find a "replacement" for your ex, you just have to find someone that you can have fun with for a couple of hours without having an emotional breakdown. Then maybe later, you will find someone that is nice and fun, but you still aren't quite ready to take it to the next level. So while I agree that you will just know when you're ready, I also think it is a good idea to test your boundaries with new experiences to help clarify your feelings. And who knows, maybe you will meet someone that will blow all feelings for your ex completely out of your mind forever...........that is my dream anyway 1
tbf Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 FAir enough, it's not as though the thought of her screwing another guy doesn't bother, it does, it infuriates me. But I am more bothered by the idea of her telling another guy she loves him.Then in your case, you're over your ex and ready for another relationship if you can handle the thought of her telling another man she loves him.
lop98 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 However, there is no way to get that knowledge or come to that realization unless you actually put yourself out there. You will probably go on a lot of dates before you find yourself ready for another relationship. Start off slow. You don't have to find a "replacement" for your ex, you just have to find someone that you can have fun with for a couple of hours without having an emotional breakdown. Then maybe later, you will find someone that is nice and fun, but you still aren't quite ready to take it to the next level. This advice is what has worked for me. I think waiting till all feelings for someone else have completely disappeared is part of an ideal world... and you might as well swear to celibacy for the next 2 years, and in my experience, the more time goes by, the more "lonely" the idea of your ex becomes in your head, nothing to compare and you get stuck in a way. It was out of the question for me to consider going out with someone the first month, the pain was unbearable and so was the thought, right next to lack of sleep and appetite, but once I came into my senses (partially anyway), a guy that had already made a good impression on me asked me out, I accepted and it's been good... I lucked out in the fact that he's okay with going slow, but it's not only the one thing that's pulled me out of the pain I was in, it's also put things into a perspective, I thought no one would be as amazing as my ex... well, I was DEAD wrong, this guy isn't Superman but it's definitely brought the idea of my ex back to realistic levels (just a guy with more flaws than attributes I can care for). The pain is still there though, I still cry, I still feel sad sometimes when I'm heading to a place to meet up this guy because it couldn't be clearer that it's all part of the past and not coming back but the more I get to know him, the easier it is to forget everything (at least temporarily) and have a good time, and the better the times, the faster the healing. 2
maturityassets Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Lop98 and I have followed similar paths. We both so happen to have met someone new to date and be intimate (not necessarily physical intimacy) with while still heavily coping with our previous relationships. It's the same with me about the new girl I'm seeing. She is very patient and kind. She lets me vent about my previous relationship if it ever comes up in conversation. We are taking it really slow as well before labeling us anything because I want to make sure this not a mere extension of my previous relationship and also on her end she just doesn't want to be a rebound. Its good you are thinking though of new relationships, sounds like you have made some serious progress mentally and emotionally, I'm happy for you . You know you are ready for a new relationship with someone when this person is not a response to how your ex treated you, your interest between one another is defined on its own grounds. Good luck, man 1
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