venusishername Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I am stumped about this man that I am encountering lately. Long story short, we have a brief romantic history that got intercepted. Had an amazing date, and things got in the way a couple years ago so the pursuit stopped short. We did continue speaking for a good while afterwards, but did not go down the intended romantic path due to outside circumstances. We work and live in very close proximity, so within the last six months, I have been seeing him a lot; in comparison to before, when I didn't see him at all. We will see each other from across the room, walking across the street, or in the hallways of a building, or even on the road sometimes. I passed him today on the street, and each time I see him, he stares and stares. Today he caught sight of me and visibly tensed but didn't take his eyes off me. He'll smile warmly, and will initiate conversation, but I personally am so nervous around him, I keep it brief; come to think of it, he acts visibly nervous around me too. Once he told me that he thought I was so out of his league. What I find strange is that he will not take his eyes off me, yet he stays at a distance. Need help deciphering male behavior here.
ThaWholigan Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 This is bread and butter He likes you, he's nervous because he thinks you're hot so the best he can do is stare and struggle to make small talk. Perhaps try to be a tad bolder in conversation with him to entice him to ask you out. If he tenses up, he's definitely nervous but he's obviously attracted to you and is obviously anxious and a little awkward.
Author venusishername Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 seems to me like bread and butter too. I get the feeling he still likes me but his reaction upon seeing me makes me slightly uncomfortable...because he visibly gets tense and stares at me. We didn't have a falling out or anything; but needless to say we had an interesting turn of events that transpired that got in the way. I can't help but wonder if he is hesitant to approach me because of what happened. When face to face with him, I smile and am warm and friendly.. and usually this prompts the same from him.. but he won't make a move. ?
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 seems to me like bread and butter too. I get the feeling he still likes me but his reaction upon seeing me makes me slightly uncomfortable...because he visibly gets tense and stares at me. We didn't have a falling out or anything; but needless to say we had an interesting turn of events that transpired that got in the way. I can't help but wonder if he is hesitant to approach me because of what happened. When face to face with him, I smile and am warm and friendly.. and usually this prompts the same from him.. but he won't make a move. ? Then make yourself then.
Author venusishername Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Well, the thing is, when the 'other stuff' was still going on in my life, he and I had been talking and I'd ask him out I guess... and he would say basically, 'not now', or 'it's probably a good idea if we don't'... ( I know, that's cryptic). But that was a long time ago, and things are totally different now. Now that I see him a lot, I WOULD make a move, but I don't want to be rejected. My hope is that he would gather up the courage and take the lead this time because I feel the ball is in his court since he was the one who decided to back off before. I guess my purpose in posting this was to ask whether he seemed interested based on the body language. My insecurities are getting in the way thinking that he reacts that way (tensely) because he isn't interested...
sweetheart5381 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 If he wasn't at least somewhat interested he wouldn't react at all. I vote for asking him out. You have nothing to lose but a little bit of pride if he turns you down (and truth be told, a lot of folks can afford to lose a little anyway ) In the end, you will know one way or another. I don't know about you, but I don't like mysteries when it comes to romantic thoughts, I prefer the straight up truth
Author venusishername Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 If he wasn't at least somewhat interested he wouldn't react at all. I vote for asking him out. /QUOTE] That's my gut instinct, that he wouldn't react at all. Instead he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. So...if I had already asked him out after our first date, and he didn't agree to then, why would his answer be different now? Why should I bother trying again when he rejected me in the past? The thing is, I'm pretty convinced that he 'rejected' me because of my situation at the time, not because he wasn't interested. And if he is interested, why would he reject me and not ask me out now that the opportunity is fresh? Ugh!! I wish this was simpler. On a side note, was asked out the other day for a lunch date, and went on that date today. It's very clear this person is interested in me, and would like to possibly pursue something. Why can't all men be like that?!!
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Ugh!! I wish this was simpler. On a side note, was asked out the other day for a lunch date, and went on that date today. It's very clear this person is interested in me, and would like to possibly pursue something. Why can't all men be like that?!! Same can be said for women. Ask him out. If he says no or says nothing, write him off and see the new guy.
sweetheart5381 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 If he wasn't at least somewhat interested he wouldn't react at all. I vote for asking him out. /QUOTE] That's my gut instinct, that he wouldn't react at all. Instead he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. So...if I had already asked him out after our first date, and he didn't agree to then, why would his answer be different now? Why should I bother trying again when he rejected me in the past? The thing is, I'm pretty convinced that he 'rejected' me because of my situation at the time, not because he wasn't interested. And if he is interested, why would he reject me and not ask me out now that the opportunity is fresh? Ugh!! I wish this was simpler. On a side note, was asked out the other day for a lunch date, and went on that date today. It's very clear this person is interested in me, and would like to possibly pursue something. Why can't all men be like that?!! Well, he may be afraid of rejection too - especially since he rejected you earlier. That's rather complicating due to the history. He is likely wondering how you feel about him and treading lightly just to feel you out. Do you guys ever have a chance to talk privately? Also, because he hasn't asked you out does not mean he is rejecting you.. women put a lot of pressure on men and it really shouldn't matter who asks who out first. In fact, once 2 people have fully established that they are into one another then it should be "even steven", imo. It can't hurt to try, but something great may come out of it. Heck we all fear rejection, but the real winners are the ones that chalk it up to "That's life". Can't enjoy life if you don't live it and take a few risks . 1
Author venusishername Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Same can be said for women. Ask him out. If he says no or says nothing, write him off and see the new guy. Ok, so here's a little background which is preventing me from asking him out now. About six months or so ago, I had seen him for the first time in a long time, and we made eye contact and he stared and stared, but we didn't have a chance to talk because it happened so quickly and were both busy, etc. So I had emailed him just to say hello and hope he was doing well, etc... and he responded and basically said the same thing I did but ended it with 'take care' in so many words. Is that my answer? I would hate to ask him out not getting the hint that he's not interested after all this time.... So confused... And I want both
sweetheart5381 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Ok, so here's a little background which is preventing me from asking him out now. About six months or so ago, I had seen him for the first time in a long time, and we made eye contact and he stared and stared, but we didn't have a chance to talk because it happened so quickly and were both busy, etc. So I had emailed him just to say hello and hope he was doing well, etc... and he responded and basically said the same thing I did but ended it with 'take care' in so many words. Is that my answer? I would hate to ask him out not getting the hint that he's not interested after all this time.... So confused... And I want both So how bout you just strike up a convo with him and ask him to casually hang out? Go grab a slice of pizza, have drinks, chat, etc. The first time out doesn't have to be a full-blown "date". In fact, when my bf and I met, we didn't know each other at all. Complete strangers - no OLD, no mutual friends, etc. We just chatted. The next time we saw each other, he hung out at my place. No touching, just talking. The next time out we went to a movie. Still no touching/sexual stuff. Just do whatever to take the pressure off of "dating" and enjoy one another's company.
Author venusishername Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 So how bout you just strike up a convo with him and ask him to casually hang out? Go grab a slice of pizza, have drinks, chat, etc. The first time out doesn't have to be a full-blown "date". In fact, when my bf and I met, we didn't know each other at all. Complete strangers - no OLD, no mutual friends, etc. We just chatted. The next time we saw each other, he hung out at my place. No touching, just talking. The next time out we went to a movie. Still no touching/sexual stuff. Just do whatever to take the pressure off of "dating" and enjoy one another's company. Sounds like a good idea. Maybe if he and I had more of a chance to talk privately, I would do that. We'll see what happens... I'm kind of testing the waters right now, allowing things to warm up. I agree, no pressure sounds like a plan.
Author venusishername Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 So, just hoping for some validation I guess to feel more confident about striking something up with him since on its face this seems to be 'bread and butter'... For many months after we met, and on our date way back when, he was very clearly attracted to me and finally made it known by words and actions. He told me a lot of things that made that crystal clear. He was totally enamored. But I can't help but wonder if he still feels the same; and if he did, wouldn't he be more direct about it? Not sure if it's me just being a coward or insecure, or if he's just being cautious, or both. I have to say, I've been majorly attracted to him since the first time I saw him, and to eventually find out that the feeling was mutual was a dream. Do those things change over time I wonder? I wish I could come up with some lame excuse to contact him, and not wait until we happen to pass each other on the street again. I'm a grown woman, and no man has ever made me feel so nervous and butterfly-y as he does.
pteromom Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 You are torturing yourself by analyzing his words and actions and trying to speculate as to what they may mean. Ask him out already! Yes, you risk rejection, but at least then you'll know so you don't have to keep torturing yourself.
Author venusishername Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 You are torturing yourself by analyzing his words and actions and trying to speculate as to what they may mean. Ask him out already! Yes, you risk rejection, but at least then you'll know so you don't have to keep torturing yourself. So flashing him sparkling smiles isn't enough, huh? I have to do more work than that I guess. I hate to admit this, but I've never had to be the one to pursue.. I've always been asked out. He's the only one I've asked out and he said yes before. Until I get more confidence to do it, I want to give him the signals that I am open to it... I know, I know, torturing myself...
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 So flashing him sparkling smiles isn't enough, huh? I have to do more work than that I guess. I hate to admit this, but I've never had to be the one to pursue.. I've always been asked out. He's the only one I've asked out and he said yes before. Until I get more confidence to do it, I want to give him the signals that I am open to it... I know, I know, torturing myself... A lot of guys don't pursue because like you, they don't have. You make a move, you both win. But what you won't do, another girl will.
Author venusishername Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 A lot of guys don't pursue because like you, they don't have. You make a move, you both win. But what you won't do, another girl will. Touche. I wish we had more of an opportunity to talk in private; I'd be able to gauge whether he would be even open to it. I have no idea if he's with someone, or even married by now. Just considering the 'history', I hesitate to ask. I would definitely tell him that we should catch up sometime, maybe get a drink after work if he's interested... that's not so hard.
Author venusishername Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Well, I had a perfect opportunity today, but I'm a coward and I clammed up and pretended I didn't see him. It's easy for me to say 'it's not so hard', but I'm having a really hard time confronting this. Until I get the courage, he's totally off-limits to me. I would hate to live with the regret of never knowing though... I guess it would be easier for me if he gave off some signals that he'd be receptive to it... or has he? Honestly, I'd rather not torture myself about this, but I see him so damn often, it's a constant reminder. The way I see it, he backed away before and made a conscious decision not to get involved. I hesitate to approach him because this has already been made clear. I'm afraid that if I ask him to catch up or talk or whatever, he'll think, 'she just doesn't get the hint that I'm not interested.' A few of my friends have told me to shut up and get over it. Others say ask him out, that he's interested. All are tired of hearing about it. Suffering from low self esteem here....
Author venusishername Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 So any tips or suggestions as to how to overcome this ridiculous fear? I think it carries over into dating in general for me... and I haven't had a success in years, so this situation is just adding to my frustration. To see him so often sucks. I must be completely clueless about men. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong. I've been in two long term relationships and this is the first time I've been single for so long, so I'm behind the curve with dating or intentions, and all that. I tend to think that most men are initially attracted to me because I've been told and I know that I am above average in looks and brains, so truth be told I have a lot of options if I just feel like jumping in bed with someone. But I don't want that. I want someone to genuinely take an interest in me and pursue something with no games and no doubts about any intentions. It seems my luck has been that I can grab a guy's interest for a little while, but I can't hold it. This particular man is just another one to add to that list. There is someone else that I met a few weeks ago, that I mentioned earlier. He contacted me several days after our lunch date and asked what I was doing that day. He told me to get a hold of him later if I didn't have any plans, so I did, and I asked him if he wanted to go have drinks. He said he was doing something else and didn't offer a rain check. So I just automatically assumed he lost interest. Several days went by and last night he texted out of the blue, just saying hi, we texted for awhile and he'll say things like 'I'm going out of town for the 4th but I'll be back over the weekend..' I want to ask him 'so are you interested in dating me or what? Are you just going to drop random texts and never make a move or are you going to do something about it?' This is what I mean though. I assume that if someone's not asking me out directly that they aren't interested. And if I ask and they can't and I don't hear from them, I think they just wanted sex and couldn't get it from me right away, so they find someone else. Am I clueless or what? Help! I need to get this dating thing under control. I don't want to be single forever!
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 What is the worst case scenario...really...think about that. Nobody ever perished from putting it out there... You to Mr cutie "Hi...it is so funny that I see you so often now, you know I wonder if its the universe giving us another shot? Let me know if you wanna get together, my number is still the same." Mr cutie potential responses "sorry I am a)married/committed, b)gay, c)going into witness protection d)have a terminal illness e) etc" or "awesome, I will call you" Unless of course what you are not saying about the confluence of events that got in the way before adds some significant weirdness. I say go for it.
Author venusishername Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 What is the worst case scenario...really...think about that. Nobody ever perished from putting it out there... You to Mr cutie "Hi...it is so funny that I see you so often now, you know I wonder if its the universe giving us another shot? Let me know if you wanna get together, my number is still the same." Mr cutie potential responses "sorry I am a)married/committed, b)gay, c)going into witness protection d)have a terminal illness e) etc" or "awesome, I will call you" Unless of course what you are not saying about the confluence of events that got in the way before adds some significant weirdness. I say go for it. Thanks, you are right. However, what I am not including 'adds some significant weirdness.' (although not insurmountable, it was definitely out of the ordinary and awkward) That's why I hesitate. Does your advice still apply?
tbf Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Without information about what happened that derailed your initial connection, it's impossible to gauge why he's currently holding back.
Author venusishername Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Without information about what happened that derailed your initial connection, it's impossible to gauge why he's currently holding back. I didn't want to get into it here and open up a can of worms. I feel that whatever happened in the past is gone and done. I can take an educated guess as to why he's currently holding back. My intention here is to figure out how to break the ice, or if it's even worth trying. I was just trying to get a read by his body language if he could possibly still be interested in me.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Oh probably...listen, we are all pretty simple creatures, it sounds like he is waiting for a move from you. Maybe he is conflicted about being interested ( due to confluence of wierdness -COW) or scared cause you are blowing hot and cold. Again, what's really the worst thing that can happen? Unless the COW is that you are some kind of freaky stalker, in which case, no he's not interested, he's afraid of you (just sayin)
Recommended Posts