emilyd Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Hi all, Very recently my boyfriend of 3 years and I got into a pretty big fight. It was more of a blow out actually. We're in our 20's and not living together. I'm still in university and he is working full time. He works ALOT. Especially in the summer particularly May-June. He has no time and get burned out and stressed very easily. I usually end up seeing him for bedtime and over coffee in the morning and very rarely do we share a day off. When he does get an evening off most of the time he is too tired to do anything. I am much much less busy in the summer. I am on my break from classes and working full time mon-fri, off early so my evenings and weekends are free. I spend alot of time with friends, I work out, Yoga, and get alot of my "me time" while he is busy. It puts a strain on our relationship because he knows I want to see him. we had started arguing alot more, I finally asked him if he was happy and he said he wasnt sure. I pressed and pressed the next morning and he snapped at me saying He wasnt sure if it was working out, didn't want to move in together ( I had suggested it since we already sleep together 5-6 nights a week). He didnt want to move in because then he "wouldnt have any time to himself". Which isnt true. He then told me after a heated discussion that He doesnt see a future with me, and he cant be with me. I was devastated. After 3 years I basically saw my entire future with him and in a few short words he changed that. I went to work that morning, and 4 hours later I received a text saying he wanted to see me that evening and that he loved me and we could work it out. He told me that he had just been frustrated with work, and not having any time to be on his own, and had been feeling like He couldnt spend the rest of his life that way. He said he meant " I cannot see a future with you the way this is going". I have forgiven him and told him that I will never accept this kind of thing again... I find it so childish and immature of him to blow up and almost ruin something just because he did not communicate with me. Am I wrong to forgive him? Should I trust that he means what he says when he says he wants to be with me forever and that he loves me? Will he ever be ready to move in with me if he is concerned about his space? I don't know how to bring it up. I did explain to him that it's not my fault he felt that way.. had he simply told me how he was feeling I would have respected that and given him a few nights a week to be on his own. I feel like maybe I love him too much and did not spend enough time being angry at what he said to me. Opinions?
scorpio1978 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I have been in this situation before and my ex said the exact same thing, recanted and we picked up where we left off, but 3 months later, he broke up with me and said he hadn't been happy for months. So, he basically blew up and said what he had been thinking and feeling but pulled it back out of guilt and not having the ba**s to break it off and be done with it. Proceed with caution here. I don't think people say things like that unless there is some kind of undertone of truth to it. Also, do you want to be with someone who says hurtful things when stressed/angry? Maybe you need to spend less time with him. 5-6 nights a week is a lot and if he already feels like he may not have time to himself if you move in together, he is basically getting a taste of what that would be like living with you and it isn't positive. Doesn't sound like he is really ready for more right now. Give him space and see what happens. No need to have a huge conversation about it yet, just start being more busy and not seeing him as much. It will give the both of you time to be away from each other and re-evaluate the relationship 1
aloneinaz Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 There's some pretty big red flags here in my opinion- Usually when people are tired and stressed out and don't want to spend time with you when they get home, that's not a good sign. Did he make time when the relationship was new? Wanting to spend less time is another red flag. You should visit some sites that discuss signs that your significant other is about to dump you. As Scorpio said, precede with much caution.
Author emilyd Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Well I told him that I didn't want to continue if he wasn't certain, and I let him be for a few days to stew over what he had done... When I was ready to speak to him again he practically begged for forgiveness and promised he would want to be with me through thick and thin. I told him something like that can never happen again and he has to be upfront and honest with me about how he is feeling if he ever feels unhappy - and to respect me enough to not put me through that again. Or himself. Definitely feeling cautious as most of the trust I had in the relationship was broken. I'm hoping that while it was a BIG mistake on his part that he genuinely feels like he screwed up and wants me to trust him and give him another chance to prove himself. After 3 years I feel like I at least owe ourselves that chance. We are the same age but I feel as though he is a few years behind in the emotional maturity department. He was definitely feeling stressed and like he didn't have a life outside of me, so I understand but he didn't need to be so cold about it. He still wants me to be over often, just the nights he doesnt get home until late and works early he would like to veg alone for an hour instead. I can understand what he means as we arent married yet - and even if we were I guess we are all entitled to our alone veg-out cave time. Anybody else have any insights?
Keenly Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 You wanted my opinion so here it is. Dude was tired and stressed out. He feels he is not ready to move in with the opposite sex for real yet. You pressured him and pressured him until he blew up, and then got mad at him for blowing up. If you keep behavior like that up, he will stop being honest with you because when he is honest with you, you just get mad.
salparadise Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 I feel like maybe I love him too much and did not spend enough time being angry at what he said to me. Opinions? You're asking the wrong question, in a sense... I don't think you need to spend more time being angry but you should spend more time considering what he said, whether he meant it as delivered at the time, and whether he loves you enough. After three years of dating, do you have any idea where you stand with this guy, or are you merely passing the time? Have you discussed a future together or is "saw my entire future with him" just your imaginary thing? I am a long ways past my 20s, but if I were you I'd take this opportunity to do a serious reassessment and see if his goals and yours have anything in common. My suggestion... give him that alone time he's so desirous of and then some while you do some introspection and perform a reset on the relationship. The fact that you're pushing to move in and he pushing back in the opposite direction means you've given up your power and he's one holding all the cards. You are an option he can take for granted and he doesn't have to do much of anything. If I were you I'd use this event to find out exactly where he stands and be ready to walk if he doesn't take some initiative to move it forward. That is unless you don't mind being on hold and just waiting until he decides he's ready to make some progress...
pink_sugar Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 A lot of things are said in the heat of the moment that are later regretted. My best advice would be to sit down and tell him how it made you feel. It sounds like he is overwhelmed, but also take this time to discuss your needs. A lot of relationships do not work out when someone is working so much that makes it nearly impossible to have time for a relationship. This is obviously affecting you both a lot.
Roadkill007 Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 we had started arguing alot more, I finally asked him if he was happy and he said he wasnt sure. I pressed and pressed the next morning and he snapped... He told me that he had just been frustrated with work, and not having any time to be on his own, and had been feeling like He couldnt spend the rest of his life that way. He said he meant " I cannot see a future with you the way this is going". I find it so childish and immature of him to blow up and almost ruin something just because he did not communicate with me. Well... first things first I guess. Constantly pressing for an answer for important questions isn't a best thing to do. I know at some point you have to know that you're going in the same direction relationshipwise, but most men will react in a similar fashion when cornered like that. It really doesn't help that after being stressed out at work, that he feels he can't relax at home either. In the future, you'd be well advised to give the guy a bit of time and space to really think how he feels about the whole situation. Also, your guy needs to balance professional and personal life a bit better. I think he needs to slow down on the workload, as long as it's not an important period for him (like a project that could get him promoted or something), and spend more time with himself and you. Stress simply builds up and creates more inefficiencies, which simply adds to the stress, so basically turns into a circle of stress making him have bad job performance, which applies more stress, and so forth. Basically, he needs to step back, relax, and recharge. Then all aspects of his life will slowly fall into place as he becomes unburdened little by little. 1
SimonSerenade Posted June 26, 2013 Posted June 26, 2013 Sounds like your in a bad place right now, it doesn't mean your always going to be in that bad place, 3 years is a long time to throw away over a phase, if your boyfriend has said sorry and it was genuine then forgive him and let it go, some times relationships get hard but the best couple's work hard at it and see it through, if he's working as much as you say he is then I think he's entitled to a breather and I think right now, he's probably not got a lot of time to think things over, be patient and things may just look up.
scorpio1978 Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Sounds like no matter what anyone says here, you're hell bent on giving this a chance, so I am not sure what advice you're looking for. If you want to read that everything will be ok and not to worry about it, then ok, but you should worry a little about it. Just a tad. I still say don't hang out as much. Let him work to earn your trust again. What he said was rotten. Let him SHOW you that he is a good guy and then everything will fall into place like it's supposed to 1
GilianaK Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 It sounds like you have put a lot of pressure on your bf. Pressure doesn't work. I kind of get the feeling that he said he wants to work it out because he got scared. That doesn't mean he really wants to work things out, etc . Also, it's up to you to decide what you want and not just go along with him and let him define the terms of the relationship. It also sounds like you are not getting your needs met and you are not the priority in his life. Do you really want to be with a man that has very little time for you? It sounds like he is a workaholic and if you decide to stay based on his terms you will never feel satisfied or happy. You will live a life of deprivation. I agree that you need to definitely spend much less time with him if you decide to hang on to your desire to be with him.
Author emilyd Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Thank you for positive responses. Others have just told he he's a jerk and if he said it he meant it. I also agree that sometimes in the heat of things especially when you're stressed you can sometimes say things you don't really mean. I did let him know that while I understand how he feels, it could have been avoided by him telling me how he felt. I firmly believe that being in a long term relationship requires honesty even if sometimes it may hurt the other persons feelings. It always ends up better for both parties. So for now, I trust and work on not pressing him for answers, especially when I know he is tired. Sometimes, it is hard not to wonder or worry about the state of a relationship when it is all words and no time for real shows of affection. I should give him more credit for making as much time for me as he has been.
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