I feel rubbish. 9 dates and it's all gone wrong!

[pteromom]

Background from posting by duplicate username of member Unbeknown (deleted by moderation):

 

8 dates and now she's distant

I'm not really sure where to begin with this. I guess just typing it out will help a little, sorry if it doesn't make sense as I'm just typing as it comes to me.

 

I met this girl online (Im 23, she's 21) and we hit it off straigth away. Really long messages and after exchanging for a while we decided to meet up. Our first date went great and after I walked her home we kissed on the doorstep.

 

In total now we've been on 8 amazing dates. All different and exciting. She's really enjoyed them all. She's invited me to stay around twice and we've had sex on both occasions.

 

On one of our dates I took her on a mini hike/picnic. On the following date afterwards a week later I notice she had taken a picture on her phone and set it to the phones background so she must have enjoyed herself.

 

After out last date she tweeted me a few days later with a picture she took relating to an inside joke we have going on saying "thought of you" so she obviously thinks (or did think) about me when I'm not around.

 

We've only ever text each other once maybe twice a day from the very start (over a 3 month span) so that's no problem but I feel her texts have become even more sparse. She still write the same amount and uses winky and smiley faces a lot. Still quite flirty too. She hasn't text me back for 2 days though but in her last text she ended it with "do you have any plans Sunday evening or Monday afternoon/evening?". Would you take that as her asking to meet up? She's going on holiday Tuesday so I assumed it was so text her back saying I'm free blah blah blah but not heard anything.

 

I noticed last weekend she still signs in to her dating account (I was only on there to delete mine, out of my own choice we haven't discussed this).

 

I really don't know where to go with this. I want to stop acting like a little bitch but after 8 dates I feel I've invested a lot of time and effort and felt a real connection. I genuinely thought she might be the one. Maybe I'm over reacting. It just seems like such a waste to throw away. After the times I've stayed round there's been loads of cuddling, spooing, sensitive kissing all on her part. She's gone to the shop to get me bacon for breakfast (pretty sure if she didn't care she wouldn't leave the house looking a mess to get me bacon). She never hints for me to leave and I leave each time on my own accord. She genuinely seemed interested and enjoyed me being around.

 

It just doesn't make sense. I want to bring up the "where do I stand talk" next time we hang out but the way it stands now I really can't see there being another date

 

Any advice on how to salvage this or to make me take my mind off her as I couldn't even sleep last night because of it (sounds pathetic I know) much appreciated.

 

----------------------------------------

 

She hasn't text me back for 2 days though but in her last text she ended it with "do you have any plans Sunday evening or Monday afternoon/evening?". Would you take that as her asking to meet up? She's going on holiday Tuesday so I assumed it was so text her back saying I'm free blah blah blah but not heard anything.

 

Sounds to me like she is busy getting ready to go on holiday, but she wants to see you before she goes.

 

I think you may be overthinking things. Forget texting - call her and talk to her and see what's going on with her!

Edited June 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Move backstory from deleted username

[clia]

I think you may be overreacting.

 

She hasn't text me back for 2 days though but in her last text she ended it with "do you have any plans Sunday evening or Monday afternoon/evening?". Would you take that as her asking to meet up? She's going on holiday Tuesday so I assumed it was so text her back saying I'm free blah blah blah but not heard anything.

 

Yes, "do you have any plans Sunday evening or Monday afternoon/evening" when she is leaving for vacation on Tuesday is definitely her trying to feel out when you are free so she can see you before she leaves. How did you respond?

 

You said she hasn't texted you back for two days. What did you say in your last text to her? Is it possible that she is wondering why she hasn't heard from you?

 

I just...there is no indication (to me) that she has lost interest based on what you've posted, unless there is something you aren't saying.

 

Why don't you just call her?

[unbeknown]

Thanks pteromom and clia. Just reading those two responses has relaxed me quite a bit. She is doing a charity fun run tomorrow so should I give her a call after that to see how it went? Or should I text before to say "good luck, I'll call you later to see how you got on" and then call.

 

I've listed everything pretty accurate. My last text to her was something along the lines of "well let me just check my super busy diary (an inside joke as I'm a freelance journalist working from home so I'm always free which she knows) yep looks like I'm free. Would be nice to see ya before you scurry off on holidays if you are free then?"

 

Probably should have worded it better

 

Thanks for the input though! Really appreciate it.

[pteromom]

She is doing a charity fun run tomorrow so should I give her a call after that to see how it went? Or should I text before to say "good luck, I'll call you later to see how you got on" and then call.

 

Either is fine, but I would text before. Instead of "good luck" though, you may want to say something more encouraging to her since she is doing a run.

 

And yes - call her after!

 

You can't be passive. Remember that if she doesn't hear from you, she may be doing the same thing you are doing... wondering why you didn't call, over analyzing everything. Don't do that to her - be assertive and call her.

 

And communicate with her. After 8 dates, it is OK to start having some casual talks about where it is going.

[unbeknown]

Either is fine, but I would text before. Instead of "good luck" though, you may want to say something more encouraging to her since she is doing a run.

 

And yes - call her after!

 

You can't be passive. Remember that if she doesn't hear from you, she may be doing the same thing you are doing... wondering why you didn't call, over analyzing everything. Don't do that to her - be assertive and call her.

 

And communicate with her. After 8 dates, it is OK to start having some casual talks about where it is going.

 

Thanks. I was just concerned to why would she still be signing in to her dating profile though if (how I felt) things were going great. To me, signing in means looking for someone else becuase I am not it. My only logical explanation is I haven't brought up where we stand so she's lost on the matter.

 

I really hope I can get another date to explain things.

 

(I am actually the op [xlr8] just realised I had an older account, confusing ha).

[Feelin Frisky]

Make sure not to draw hard conclusions. You don't want to sound contentious when you approach her. There are a number of possibilities some of which will be not what you want. So, perhaps you should consider laying off on her. See what she does. If you have to "blink" it might make you look needy. It sucks that we have to play games but play them we must. And talking about the game backfires. So, ya just have to deal with it. Consider that "wanting" is something good on its own. And "having" tends to cool off the "wanting" in one or both partners. Obviously you want her. But you're not sure if she wants you. Your game plan is to work on what it might take to lead her to want you. And most guys mess this up because they get eaten alive by their own short fuses. Be cool. I hope she comes around for you.

[starrynightz45]

I think it's a good time to bring u pthe conversation.

 

I wouldn't ask a guy if he was available or do everything you said she did, if I wasn't into him. There are a lot of different reasons she could have signed in to her dating profile. If I were you, I would bring up the "where do we stand" conversation the next time you see her. It might even be as simple as, because you haven't brought it up, she's starting to worry.

 

Don't jump to conclusions, just talk to her about it. It's usually men who get scvared off when you bring up the "where do we stand" conversation too soon. Women usually take it much better, and she's probably going to be relieved that you brought it up!

[unbeknown]

Thanks all. "Consider that "wanting" is something good on its own. And "having" tends to cool off the "wanting" in one or both partners" very true indeed.

 

It's so frustrating becuase it's not like we've only been on 1-2 dates. We've been on 8 and now she's still on plenty of fish and has updated her profile with new pictures and a description to what I can only assume is to meet and attract others

[unbeknown]

Background from posting by duplicate username (deleted by moderation):

 

8 dates and now she's distant

I'm not really sure where to begin with this. I guess just typing it out will help a little, sorry if it doesn't make sense as I'm just typing as it comes to me.

 

I met this girl online (Im 23, she's 21) and we hit it off straigth away. Really long messages and after exchanging for a while we decided to meet up. Our first date went great and after I walked her home we kissed on the doorstep.

 

In total now we've been on 8 amazing dates. All different and exciting. She's really enjoyed them all. She's invited me to stay around twice and we've had sex on both occasions.

 

On one of our dates I took her on a mini hike/picnic. On the following date afterwards a week later I notice she had taken a picture on her phone and set it to the phones background so she must have enjoyed herself.

 

After out last date she tweeted me a few days later with a picture she took relating to an inside joke we have going on saying "thought of you" so she obviously thinks (or did think) about me when I'm not around.

 

We've only ever text each other once maybe twice a day from the very start (over a 3 month span) so that's no problem but I feel her texts have become even more sparse. She still write the same amount and uses winky and smiley faces a lot. Still quite flirty too. She hasn't text me back for 2 days though but in her last text she ended it with "do you have any plans Sunday evening or Monday afternoon/evening?". Would you take that as her asking to meet up? She's going on holiday Tuesday so I assumed it was so text her back saying I'm free blah blah blah but not heard anything.

 

I noticed last weekend she still signs in to her dating account (I was only on there to delete mine, out of my own choice we haven't discussed this).

 

I really don't know where to go with this. I want to stop acting like a little bitch but after 8 dates I feel I've invested a lot of time and effort and felt a real connection. I genuinely thought she might be the one. Maybe I'm over reacting. It just seems like such a waste to throw away. After the times I've stayed round there's been loads of cuddling, spooing, sensitive kissing all on her part. She's gone to the shop to get me bacon for breakfast (pretty sure if she didn't care she wouldn't leave the house looking a mess to get me bacon). She never hints for me to leave and I leave each time on my own accord. She genuinely seemed interested and enjoyed me being around.

 

It just doesn't make sense. I want to bring up the "where do I stand talk" next time we hang out but the way it stands now I really can't see there being another date

 

Any advice on how to salvage this or to make me take my mind off her as I couldn't even sleep last night because of it (sounds pathetic I know) much appreciated.

 

----------------------------------------

 

To sum up:

 

- Been on 9 dates with a girl I met on Plenty Of Fish over the course of 3 months

- Text each day (hasn't been a day where we havn't, only ever 2 or so maximum a day though)

- Really fun dates and she enjoys herself, Have her laughing loads, Kissed on the first date

- Tweets 2 days after our 8th date a picture relating to inside joke saying "thought of you" so obv thinks of me when I'm not there

- Invited me to spend the night twice

- Had sex numerous times on both times I stayed

 

So last night I went around hers and she made me food. I stayed the night. We tried to have sex and I couldn't get hard. Partly down to tiredness and stress as I was worried about bringing up 'The talk' with her on where we stand. And partly because the condom was too tight in width and as soon as I put it on it just killed it. I think not having sex last night will be a determining factor in her not wanting to see me ever again.

 

So I mention how I love how she hasn't pushed to add me on fb and how she's really laid back not wanting to jump in and label anything just like me. Which is all good and well but seeing as we've been dating for 3 months I was just wondering where'd you see us heading.

 

She sort of just brushes it off by saying "well where do YOU see us heading" so I say well I'm not dating anyone else or anything and I've deleted my POF account. So anyway, we're lying there and she keeps pushing for me to tell her anything else. Like really pushing for me to talk. So I bring up that I noticed she was still on pof and has updated her profile with new pics and 'about me' section so I'm a bit confused as I don't want to invest any more if you're using me as a stop gap until you find someone else.

 

She bull****s me saying "have I really? When did I update that, I don't remember" what like you can't remember when you updated your profile 4 days ago!!!! BULL. She told me she's only dated 2 people off there (me and a guy who moved to London before she spoke to me) and she has no intention of dating anyone else. She said "do you want me to delete it" which puts me in a crap position. I want her to say she'll delete it not ask me. I told her I don't want you to delete it just becuase I've said now and she said she will delete it today not becuase of that but becuase she doesn't want to date anyone else.

 

She text me earlier saying she deleted it. But I know for a fact she's only hidden it as when you do a username search nothing comes up. When you delete the profile still shows up but it will say 'User closed account'. also when you click the link to her profile in my emails lo and behold it goes straight there. I gave her the chance to be honest with me last night. I don't know why she has lied.

 

She is going to a music festival this weekend from tomorrow so won't hear from her (if at all) untill next week but I feel so horrible.

 

How can I stop feeling so rubbish? I invested far too much emotion in one girl who I really thought was the one (most dates online only go as far as 1st or 2nd so for it to go 9 I thought I was on to something). I feel physically ill with anxiety This all sounds really pathetic I know but this is how I feel and I'm just after some advice on how to make myself feel better as quickly as possible.

 

Thank you.

Edited June 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge backstory thread posts prior to deleting duplicate username

[Lansing]

I think you need to stop overthinking things! Maybe she wasn't sure what you wanted to she decided to keep her profile out there in case you pulled back/ended things. If you guys didn't have a "discussion" about it before then I don't see an issue with her keeping her profile.

 

Her "hiding" her profile is pretty much the same thing as her deleting it. Again, why does she need to know that you are "the one" at this point? Why should she have to go through all of the effort of putting it back up if she ever decides to use it again down the road?

 

Stop with trying to catch her in a lie/etc. Trust her for what she is saying and see where things go.

 

Seems like you are sabotaging yourself.

[unbeknown]

Thanks for the reply.

 

When you hide your profile though you can still message people and set up dates. It's just YOU have to do the messaging as no one can see your profile in the searches.

 

She told me she deleted it which is a lie as she has only hidden it. Two different things. I really want to stop thinking about it but I can't. I don't really have many friends here. Most live 40mins away so can't even surround myself by positive friendly faces

[Star Gazer]

She specifically told you she doesn't want to date anyone else, and she made it so that men can't contact her to initiate convos and dates. Delete vs. hide, who cares? It's semantics! The fact is, she wants to date YOU and you alone!

 

What's the issue here? YOU are ruining what sounds like a pretty good thing!

[hoping2heal]

I think 3 months is way to soon to tell "the one" most of the time. There's always that exception to the rule but..

 

I think the fact that has to lie about 1. Not remembering she updated her profile and 2. Deleting vs. hiding it is telling that she's trouble. She's maybe a nice girl and not a bad person but the lying really shows her immaturity.

[hoping2heal]

She specifically told you she doesn't want to date anyone else, and she made it so that men can't contact her to initiate convos and dates. Delete vs. hide, who cares? It's semantics! The fact is, she wants to date YOU and you alone!

 

What's the issue here? YOU are ruining what sounds like a pretty good thing!

 

I'm not sure but men may not have access to her, but couldn't she still have access to initiate the contact to men?If she can then well there would be what's to care about. I kind of see your point with the semantics thing, but at the same time I get where he's coming from too. Probably because it's such a dumb thing to lie about that it brings into question is it just a white lie, or is she habitually dishonest? When he brought up her profile she didn't want to own up to that either so it gives one pause.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not sure but men may not have access to her, but couldn't she still have access to initiate the contact to men?If she can then well there would be what's to care about. I kind of see your point with the semantics thing, but at the same time I get where he's coming from too. Probably because it's such a dumb thing to lie about that it brings into question is it just a white lie, or is she habitually dishonest? When he brought up her profile she didn't want to own up to that either so it gives one pause.

 

I know a couple who nearly broke up because he thought that in "unsubscribing" from Match, he had "deleted" his profile.

 

ALL THAT MATTERS is that she's no longer available for dates with other men. She has taken herself off the market.

[BluEyeL]

I unsubscribed from match and hid the profile. couldn't find the option to "delete it". Maybe I should search harder, seems it could really be a problem.

[dasein]

If you want a relationship with this woman, be demonstrative at this point. It has been three months which is enough time to have the exclusivity talk. Part of this talk should be a mutual understanding that dating profiles are entirely taken down, that you don't date other people, go out to typical singles things, flirt with others or give or take phone numbers. If she is worth your time and on the same page, she should gladly agree to these basic considerations. If not, or she rationalizes or waffles, or starts into lots of weird caveats and exclusions which allow her to do whatever she wants whenever, you dodged a bullet and move on freedom intact.

[unbeknown]

Thanks all. hoping2heal understands what I mean. I believe she has hidden her profile rather than delete i so she can initiate the contacting herself/carry on speaking to whoever she was chatting to.

 

I'd love a relationship to come of this. I've never really felt like this about anyone before. I only brought the talk up with her because 1) we're having sex and I don't want to be sleeping with a girl who's dating others and 2) Like I said I don't want to be a stop gap, investing emotions in to her whilst she browses in the meantime until someone else comes on. I didn't want the talk to be about becoming an item there and then and going home to update my facebook status. Whilst I want a relationship I don't want to feel like I do now from her playing games (which is how I see it, I've always been straight up and honest). I'm 23 and she's 21 so maybe she is still immature by lieing like this. What I don't get is I gave her an out. She was super nice after the talk kissing me and cuddling. Being affectionate (like a couple would). She's confused me and if she doesn't want me I want her to tell me so I can delete her number and move on. I thought by having the talk would give me these answers.

 

It makes me think if it's at all possible to EVER meet anyone genuine online or will they all be looking for something better (with the ratio of men to woman heavily outweighed).

[KatZee]

Yeah, I don't get why she would entirely delete it as well. Lets say this thing with you and her doesn't work. Then what? She can reactivate and start the search again without having to work up an entirely new profile.

 

I think you're blowing this out of proportion.

[William]

-----From moderation: Sorry about the mess at the top of the thread but a duplicate username started a thread which this is a continuation of and we moved responses from that thread, which unfortunately pre-dated this one, creating some issues at the beginning. Moderation frowns upon duplicate usernames because such breaks continuity of postings as well as leaves the door open for abuse and trolling. No such issues as the latter in this thread, so please continue the discussion.

[Imajerk17]

-----From moderation: Sorry about the mess at the top of the thread but a duplicate username started a thread which this is a continuation of and we moved responses from that thread, which unfortunately pre-dated this one, creating some issues at the beginning. Moderation frowns upon duplicate usernames because such breaks continuity of postings as well as leaves the door open for abuse and trolling. No such issues as the latter in this thread, so please continue the discussion.

 

All the edits done by the moderating team only added to the confusion. For one thing, now it looks at first glance that pteromom somehow morphed from a level-headed mature woman into a confused young man and started this thread. Which clearly she did not.

 

This is not your best piece of work here William...

Edited June 25, 2013 by Imajerk17

[unbeknown]

Agreed. Apologies for using a duplicate account. I hadn't realised I already had one and until I accidently logged in automatically with the old one to reply.

 

The old topic could have just been locked?

 

Now my main issure on the new topic is on page 2 and people may only get as far as page 1.

 

Any advice still appreciated on the matter. Still feel horrible about the whole situation. Falling for someone who doesn't feel the same is the worst feelings of all time. Makes me think is dating ever worth it

 

@ undergroundlife13 she said she doesn't really want a bf at this stage (which I'm cool with) but she told me she would delete it. I would have been cool if she had said she was going to hide it. But it's the fact I feel she's gone behind my back to still talk to guys. Hmm.

 

And thanks KatZee. I hope I am blowing it out of proportion.