Ex and Baby Mama Got engaged

[BrianG]

Hello Loveshackers,

 

It's been quite some time since I have posted on here, but I check in from time to time for support, advice and guidance from all the beautiful and sometimes hurting people on here.

 

Brief History: Dated 6 months before we had an accidental pregnancy, I loved this woman more than anything and I wanted to marry her and have a family with her. I have been a devoted father since the day she told me she was pregnant, and I supported her through the entire time and after before the horrible things she did. Without going into all the traumatic details, about 6 months after our son was born, she would not come home at night and cheated multiple times, and lied about so many things. We broke up, but still lived together and moved into the guest bedroom because she did not have money to move out, which ended up being another lie. Her lies, cheating, and betrayal nearly destroyed me, and I still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and broken family in order to move on with my life being a single dad. I still find myself asking why she did what she did as I did nothing to deserve it, and it sounds pathetic that it's been almost two years apart now.

 

So this leads me to today. We have joint custody of our son and I am a very devoted father. I am civil in our exchanges with my son as I grew up with the saying that if I don't have anything nice to say, its better to not say anything at all so I don't really so much of anything to her. I've always done what was in my son's best interests and he knows nothing about this as its not positive for his development.

 

She seems to get off by messing with me and is very selfish, and during my vacation with our son she chose to tell me that she got engaged. This guy or fiancé I should say happens to be the last guy that she was cheating on me with. Instantly got in a relationship and moved in together with him shortly after, which I was against obviously because I thought it would confuse our son.

 

Anyways, so I still can't let the the idea of my broken family go. I loved this woman more than anything and I know this woman is toxic, and I don't think I ever knew her because of all the lies, cheating and betrayal. Stupidly as I was concerned about my son, a friend showed me fb pictures of my son and them together and it crushed me seeing what I wanted so badly. So, needless to say I have major trust issues and I'm finding it hard to let go of the pain of losing my family, seeing my son with this other man that I don't respect because he knew we were together. In addition to having difficulty finding a significant other as being a single dad was harder than I thought. Plus, now it really hurts to hear they are engaged and he I am lonely and still can't let go of the pain and anger towards her being replaced so easily. I guess it seems to be a current trend these days and all over the posing boards here.

 

Any input, advice, or guidance from the wonderful people of this site would be greatly appreciated.

 

How do I let go and move on? I know the pain will always be there as I can't go NC because of our son. How can I expect her to instill morals and values to my son, when she does not exhibit them in her own life. I'm still hurting and tired of the pain from her betrayal and my frustration in my lack of ability to let it go of all of it.

 

Thanks for reading

Edited June 25, 2013 by BrianG
grammar sort of

[Balzac]

Ouch. Your emotional maturity and stability will kick in. "New Guy" is temporary. He cannot replace you as your son's ONLY daddy.

Parenting is about the long haul.

 

Your baby boy can benefit from boundless love and attention from many.

 

You're the daddy he'll count on. Try to extinguish your fear.

Life's not easy but as he grows older it's easier for you to trust in his ability to distinguish between you as daddy and "others".

[BrianG]

but I can barely look at her and I don't respect either one of them. He cannot expect me to shake his hand as I don't shake peoples hands I don't respect. I know I need to have a civil relationship with him as she will be marrying him, and its best for my son and his development.

 

I'm just not sure what that would entail or how to go about it? I heard rumors awhile back that there were lies that I was the one who cheated, etc and are completely untrue. I would not put it past her if she lied to her family and friends and made me out to be the monster. I guess I have to take solace in the fact that her and I know the real "truth" and keep my head held high that I did the right thing by her and our son.

[Balzac]

I'm just not sure what that would entail or how to go about it?

 

1. Your baby boy's BEST interests are primary.

2. It's about professionalism.

3. She is your coparent. Not this random dude.

 

 

Shaking hands comes up because?

[BrianG]

On our recent exchange after coming back from our vacation, she brought him along, which she never does. He came up to me to try and shake my hand and I simply said that I'm here to get my son and if there is anything I need to address with my son I will speak to his mother.

 

I just wish I could move on with someone else at this point.

[Balzac]

My belief is that the only thing you need to respect is her as mother of your child. It's the importance of that relationship in your son's normal development.

 

Many parents have differences about moral values. Your concerns are valid but as children mature the goal is to have them benefit from parental modeling but to seek knowledge from many sources and make their own decisions.

You have vast sums of influence. Trust yourself.

 

It's logical to conclude that her new marriage will include additional children. In that your chief concern is how your son adapts. Sooner than you may think, you and "new guy" may be "visitation daddy".

 

Letting go of the pain of a broken romance is all about feeling your loss and recognizing that moving on is natural.

[BrianG]

Bal,

 

Do you mean I may be the "Visitation Daddy?" and if you could clarify. Really I guess the main purpose of my post was some guidance, which you have definitely and eloquently provided so I thank you very much. I guess what I'm really asking for and the main purpose of my thread is help or how to let go of the pain so I can hopefully move on to someone that deserves and will appreciate me as she never did. I know his relationship with my son is out of my control. Just never wanted to be a part-time dad and still having a hard time coping with that in addition to not finding someone that will love me.

[Balzac]

you mean I may be the "Visitation Daddy?" and if you could clarify

 

Sure, I may not fully understand your joint custody arrangement.

Often one parent enjoys "physical custody" meaning the child's primary physical residence is in the home w one parent, other parent enjoys visitation". Other joint custody arrangements are half the child's time is in each home. The legal term joint custody implies your legal authority to participate in decisions regarding religious training, education, activities, medical treatment. Some parents can work together and many cannot.

 

As to the letting go. My suggestion is that embracing your feelings, allowing that, permits them to flow away. In practice though it's about how thoughts spawn feelings. It's about your belief and thoughts.

It's about the loss of your dream to live in an intact, functionally efficient and joyful nuclear family.

 

Maybe that details more pragmatically. Losing resentment.

[Balzac]

I do offer that one's experience and understanding about "love" changes for many adults as they become a parent.

 

I'm not talking about confusing parental love and romantic love. More so I'm talking about romantic love as vast, deep and permanent then the new parental love as so much more but different.

[BrianG]

Bal,

We have joint custody and our son spends an equal amount of time in both households. Yes, i think there is still resentment, which may have to do with that I've been unable to move on as quickly as she has. I understand the difference between the two different types of loves that you mentioned. I just thought after two years since we've been apart that I would have been further along in the process of letting my feelings flow as you say. I also didn't think that her getting engaged would hurt me as much as it did. I'm aware that her behavior and moral values would not have lead to a happy and loving relationship/marriage that would have been beneficial for my son.

 

Just frustrated with the situation sometimes. I'm the only one out of my friends and family that is a single dad and it can be really frustrating doing this on my own and quite lonely.

Edited June 25, 2013 by BrianG

[Balzac]

From your description of your emotional reaction, clearly unexpected, it's about having held out hope and the complication your intellectual knowledge emminating from the addition of a third adult. That feeling of envy that's so illogical but present. Makes perfect sense. I mean he's in the home with her and your little boy. Resentment is what it is.

 

Give yourself all the time you need to process these feelings. Often in the early year of a failed relationship w a new baby involved focus is on making things work. It's possible that only now are you able to move into grief for loss of a dream. That's understandsble.

 

Feeling lonely in your parenting circumstance, desiring the companionship of a new romantic interest, sure. All are leading you to resume your search.

 

You'll get there. Toddlers are labor intense. It's often difficult to add new interests at the toddler developmental stage.

[BrianG]

Thanks,

It makes perfect sense as the resentment is still there. I think my impatience gets to me sometimes in that I don't think I fully accepted the loss of that dream with her and my son, until her recent engagement. Added with the romantic nature of my life has been stagnant for two years after our breakup.

 

How much is too much time to process these feelings though? I know there is no standard timeline, but I need to get over the fact that the dream I once had is over. Also, this resentment is holding me back from finally letting go.

[Balzac]

I think resentment is the first step in letting go. It's not exactly a zero sum game. It's a journey.

[stillafool]

I don't think you should view it as "he now has my family" because you guys weren't a family. He lives in the house with your son. Are you still in love with this woman? Have you tried to meet other women or do you find yourself not interested in other women and only your son's mother?

[BrianG]

I really don't like the whole ill only speak to his mother deal.

 

You say this man was the last man she cheated on you with, and it's been two years that they have been together, possibly as long as the the two of you were together. She lied to you, have you considered she also lied to him? Telling him how awful a relationship you two had? I wouldn't completely make this other man out to the the villain. 90% of your break up is due to your ex! At least this man has taken your son into his heart as well. He won't replace you, but he can enhance your sons life.

 

Does this man really have what you want? He has a women that lies and cheats. He is helping to raise a child that isn't his. If their relationship breaks up at some point, he loses out completely on the rest of your sons life, a child he opened his heart and home upto. You will always be there, you have every legal right to be there for the rest of his life.

 

I don't think your ex is what you want. You know she isn't truly a good person inside, at least not to you. You don't want that, what you want is a fantasy. She isn't the perfect woman for you even to the smallest degree. You have to let go of that fantasy and find other areas to focus on.

 

Have you tried bringing your son to play groups..etc?

Smooch,

I left out the horrific, traumatic details because it didn't serve my purpose of this thread, but without going into details let me just say that he was fully aware of us being together. I didn't figure there was any point in letting him know how awful the relationship that we had was. It was not my place, and at the time would have probably came across as me being bitter. It's a mute point considering he just recently proposed to her so unless she just radically changed he will find out sooner or later and is not my place to help him figure that out.

 

I have not spoken ill of this man at all in my thread or make him out to be a villain and stealing her away from me so to speak. This was solely her choice and she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. As his mother, I will address any concerns regarding my son to her as a biological parent. I am aware that it is a positive thing that another person loves him. He could be the greatest person in the world, but it still hurts me that I only get to spend half the time with my son and unaware of the other side of his life. Call me old fashioned.

 

I know she is not what I want. Things were great before our son was born, and at the time I thought it had to do with post partum depression, but I try to not think of it too much as its in the past, but I don't think I ever truly knew who she really was because of all the deceit, lies and betrayal after he was born.

 

I am emotionally mature to recognize that I truly did love her, but I don't and probably will never understand why she did what she did and I have to make peace with that. At this point it was a dream I had or fantasy as you call it with her that is now over.

 

My main purpose of my thread was asking for advice and guidance on letting go of that said pain and resentment so I can make peace with her upcoming marriage and move on with my own life and for the betterment of my son's development. I'm very concerned with her ability to instill moral values with my son, when she doesn't exhibit them in her own life or was just me for some reason. But, the more I've heard about her past, I should have seen this coming.

 

I go to play groups, but they tend to be with my friends or families kids as I'm the only single parent out of all of us.

[BrianG]

I don't think you should view it as "he now has my family" because you guys weren't a family. He lives in the house with your son. Are you still in love with this woman? Have you tried to meet other women or do you find yourself not interested in other women and only your son's mother?

 

Stillafool,

I do not see it as "he now has my family" as like you said and I'm fully aware that was never the case. I have to let go of that dream and even though we were never married it still is a broken family to me. I'm not in love with this woman. I did love her and will always to some extent as we shared bringing my beautiful son into this world, who I am fully and completely devoted too.

 

There in lies another problem in terms of moving on and meeting other women. I am open and interested in meeting other women. First, my self-esteem is totally shot. Here is a woman that I fully loved and supported and gave her all of me. I was/am devoted to my son since the first day she told me she was pregnant, and I still don't understand why she did what she did, and made me feel that I'm not good enough. I was fully aware that things may not have worked out between us, but she ended things in one of the most cruel, heartless ways possible.

Second, I have some major trust issues now with women and I see it strewn across this site with similar stories with both men and women of multiple generations. Third, my limited free time with work and spending the other half of my free nights and weekends are with my son. Fourth, as soon as I mention that I have a son, the woman I'm interested in disappear, which I am aware are not the right kind for me anyway. Lastly, I am pretty picky in terms of personality and attractiveness and I don't want to find myself in the situation I'm trying to pick myself out of. I haven't had much success with online dating or dating in general and I consider myself to be an attractive fella with a good heart.

Edited June 26, 2013 by BrianG
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[Heartbroken Eagle]

Brian G

 

Again, your situation is so similar to mine except my BU took place 4 months ago and my ex is not engaged yet!!!

 

I can relate in your feelings, especially the crap treatment from the ex, broken dreams and the other man's involvement with your son. It hurts really bad.

 

You sound like a really decent guy and a loving father but please stop thinking about them and start thinking about making you happy again. I know it's not easy, I have lapses, but the more you think about them the crazier you will get, and you have no control on the situation.

 

Start thinking about the future with your son and possibly another partner. You sound like you will be a good catch to a decent woman. They are out there, I've just started looking for one myself, although not in a hurry just yet!!! Don't give up the faith and get that confidence back. I know it is easier said than done, I've got issues too, but fighting it slowly. I've Just started online dating at the moment, it's good to have the odd flirt and receive a nice compliment. Especially when you look more like Shreck than Brad Pitt!!!

 

P.S. the advise about start making you happy again and stop thinking about your ex came from my 7 year old son 2 weeks ago when he was talking me. He is so right... Some days are still a struggle though, but you got to fight on!!!!

Edited June 27, 2013 by Heartbroken Eagle
grammar