4-months later still up & down and dumper keeps the connection alive

[IS IT Better late]

4 months after a 5-month relationship and my life still hasn't returned to normal or how I felt before this all went down.

 

The dumper still continues to send me breadcrumbs via text every so often. IMO I think the breadcrumbs have been both good and bad for me.

 

Good- because it has given me some validation that indeed what I experienced when we were together she did as well. She has made many positive comments about our time together and maybe she misses it but clearly not enough to want to try again. But this has helped build my self esteem back up. If she would've went cold turkey and never reached out to me that would of made me fell really worthless.

 

Bad- b/c they become very addicting and you always wonder when the next one is coming. They continue the connection between me and her and lead to false hope. But my hope is fading even with the breadcrumbs b/c as we all know if they wanted us back nothing would stop them. And she has a million excuses as to why she doesn't come to see me.

 

Some days I feel almost fine then other days I feel horrible and miss her. I don't think she was the ideal girl for me but her affection was second to none. Made me feel amazing and I crave that feeling again.

 

I still feel like an addict unable to fully break my addiction.

 

I don't understand why she continues to text me. I guess I've been friendzoned.

 

I hear on this site its an ego boost, is it really? It eases their guilt? What guilt... I let her do that 3-months ago? I'm on the back burner just in case whatever else is going in her life doesn't work out? Maybe?

 

Who knows? But I just don't get it. Every girl that I lost interest in I moved on. I did not keep any contact b/c I didn't care to.

 

Why do you think she stays in touch? Any insight? What's the benefit to her?

[OrangeSnack]

You're in a tough situation. One day you're hopes are up and another day it feels like the sky is falling.

 

She obviously still has feelings for you, but she still has commitment issues. Seems like she's not ready to jump into a relationship and is still trying to figure out what she wants in life. I think shes using you as a leverage because one day she MIGHT want to start thing's over, hence that is why you feel "friendzoned." But I can't really say this for sure because everyone is different.

 

If I were you I would weight in her friendship. I would say to myself, is she worth keeping as a friend or is she just going to keep dangling that carrot in front of me.

 

You need friends who will support you when life is getting tough. You will need positive friends around you in order for you to be positive. You need friends who are like minded and share similar vision. So far this "friend" or "ex" of yours isn't helping you. I hate to sound selfish but you need to keep it to a minimal contact. Keep yourself busy and start focusing on you. Good luck bro.

[Minneloa]

OP, what is the current situation in terms of contact? Are you responding to her breadcrumbs? Have you considered blocking her number?

[IS IT Better late]

Orange, thanks for your opinion. She's not a bad person, just a very selfish person. She's put me through so much pain, but not intentionally just the nature of a break up I didn't want.

 

Minneloa, I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to ignore or block her.

 

I guess that means hope is not dead on my end.

 

But that day will come if this continues.

 

I know every person is different but I really would like to solve the puzzle as to why she does it? What is going through her mind when she decides to text me. I don't initiate the texts she does. I've been tempted and I have in the past but its been a while since I texted first.

 

She always starts out with something random but that always leads to a conversation. She's freindly, flirty, some what of an amusement to me.

 

What does she want?

[frostythesnowman]

My ex broke up with me over 2 years ago. And even when she was with her next boyfriend she continued to give me breadcrumbs (this was after a year of her

being single after we broke up). In all honesty, nothing good ever came from it. Sure, we hung out a couple times, but each time my hopes got way up and I always ended up extremely disappointed.

 

In my opinion and situation, the breadcrumbs do come from her wanting to give herself a boost and to eliminate guilt. My ex felt bad, and so therefore never stopped leading me on and I kept biting. So starting a few weeks ago, I stopped biting.

 

I don't know your specific situation, but it sounds pretty similar to what mine was. I really suggest you don't give in to her texts and you just focus on yourself. I know what it feels like to be completely powerless, just waiting for that next text.

 

And the way to stop that powerless feeling, no matter how much you look forward to her texts, is to just straight up tell her that you don't want her to text you anymore and that you want space. If she respects this, you will no longer be sitting and wishing for those texts and you can finally focus on moving on with your life. No more "what ifs" and wishing. This is what I did a few weeks ago and I am doing better with moving on than I ever have, in my case years since the breakup.

 

Just trying to help out, my 2 cents

[McGriff]

Oh IIBL,

 

We are two peas in a pod bud, and I for one can TOTALLY indemnify with your thoughts and feelings on the matter. My ex continues to send breadcrumbs (it's down to about once a week lately. But as I said a week ago, I am starting to be annoyed by it. Clearly, they still have feelings for us, and are hanging on for their own selfish reasons, but I don't know about you---that sh*t is annoying. I'm not answering them anymore, because frankly, I don't need another friend, and she's not doing anything for me. If I answer, I am helping her through whatever it is that keeps her tethered to me, without any benefit to me. I used to be elated because it just gave me the temporary "high" of knowing that she thinks about me. But now I'm like "so what"! She thinks about me---wtf is that good for? Of course she does, but that's no different than anybody else, even those who don't get breadcrumbs. So, I think she's getting the message because she sent me a text "hey stranger" on Saturday, and then "I hope you're living it up" on Sunday. So stupid really. Let me go, or we continue the awesome relationship we had (or attempt to). There is no more in between.

[TaraMaiden]

It doesn't matter what she wants.

She's got what she wants.

 

And that's you, responding to her carrot-dangling.

 

Yes, it's breadcrumbs, yes it's her ego-boost, yes it appeases her guilt.

 

And yes - you've been friend-zoned. And not even in a good way.

 

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

 

It's the first post - but the remainder of the thread is pretty damn good reading - especially for you.

 

Go No Contact, stay no Contact.

 

I fail to understand why you

haven't reached the point where I'm ready to ignore or block her.

 

Why not?

What possible good can it do you keeping channels open?

She has no intention of going out with you again.

She doesn't need to - you respond to her every whim!

Why work at having you as a BF, when she can relax with you as a back-up option?

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, and by the way, your thread title is inaccurate.

 

The 'Dumper' is NOT keeping the connection alive.

 

You're doing that.

You should never answer her texts, phone calls or messages.

 

She doesn't initiate contact - you do.

There would BE no contact, if you didn't respond.

There would just be pointless, answer-less efforts.

YOU establish contact - by responding.

 

This isn't ON her.

 

It's on you.

[IS IT Better late]

McGriff, my dude.

 

I'm just still trying to figure out the psychology behind it. It's not even so much about what she says but more about why. Why does she want to keep in touch with a dude that after 5-months she realized she didn't want to be with me anymore. It's not like we spent 5 years together and our lives so intertwined. It would've been easy for her to let go and go quietly.

 

I honestly thought the breadcrumbs were done when I got a little harsh with her a few weeks back about jerking me around.

 

But wouldn't you know I got another last week.

 

Everyone I talk to is baffled? Maybe she's just a crazy broad.

 

So you've decided to ignore huh.

 

Keep me updated, I want to see hour your girl reacts to that. That could go 2-ways. Drive her nuts until the point she contacts you more and more or she will finally give up.

 

you've just become my test rat lol

[Minneloa]

I can't answer your question about her motivations, and, with all due respect, I think this mental energy might be better spent on yourself rather than her. What do *you* want?

 

I know it must be very difficult to consider letting go, but the limbo you are currently in sounds painful and emotionally exhausting. Your thread title gives the dumper all of the power, but keep in mind that you have the ability to end the connection on your terms at any time.

 

Sending good thoughts.

 

M.

[mtnbiker3000]

Orange, thanks for your opinion. She's not a bad person, just a very selfish person. She's put me through so much pain, but not intentionally just the nature of a break up I didn't want.

 

Minneloa, I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to ignore or block her.

 

I guess that means hope is not dead on my end.

 

But that day will come if this continues.

 

I know every person is different but I really would like to solve the puzzle as to why she does it? What is going through her mind when she decides to text me. I don't initiate the texts she does. I've been tempted and I have in the past but its been a while since I texted first.

 

She always starts out with something random but that always leads to a conversation. She's freindly, flirty, some what of an amusement to me.

 

What does she want?

 

What does she want? What are her intentions? Who knows! But by the title of your thread, it sounds like you are unhappy and unable to move on. You are stuck in a rut that SHE has created for you, and YOU allow it. I can tell you that with strict NC, I am finally starting to see the light. It has been a long road of 100+ days and it is not over yet. But I see the end. I am getting stronger every day.

 

I would recommend you delete, block and stay NC if you want to move on. Look at the situation. What you have been doing doesn't seem to be working to well. Try something different. Maybe even tell her that NC is what you need to do to heal and that's just the way it's going to be. If she really does care about you at all, she will agree to this. If not, she is a selfish b*tch, and you don't need her in your life.

 

I'm sure you have heard all of this before as it is nothing new on LS. But, I am here to tell you that NC does work. Hurts a lot! Doesn't help your self-esteem! Your imagination will have its way with you! But with patience and persistence, it does work and you will eventually get out of this rut and move on! That's a better guarantee that what you have now. Yes?

[McGriff]

Yeah, I'll definitely let you know.

 

You want to know why she(they) do(es) this? I'll tell you. It's purely selfish. She is keeping you interested and "on hold" until she finds something better or maybe she's already in a relationship and waiting to see if dude will stick. I'm almost absolutely positive of this. I mean think about what you've been doing since the BU. Pining away and dependent on the next breadcrumb. She knows she can have you anytime she wants as long as you are on the other end of the line. It took me a long time to figure this out. And this could easily go on for months/years. I've cut her off. Left her to strangle. McGriff is longer on the other end. And your right, she'll either come back or she won't, but I'm moving on. That doesn't mean I don't love or adore her, but I can't do this sh*t any longer.

[TaraMaiden]

McGriff, my dude.

 

I'm just still trying to figure out the psychology behind it. It's not even so much about what she says but more about why. Why does she want to keep in touch with a dude that after 5-months she realized she didn't want to be with me anymore. It's not like we spent 5 years together and our lives so intertwined. It would've been easy for her to let go and go quietly.

 

It's very simple. She knocks at your door.

You reply.

It's like Jehovah's Witnesses.

They'd go away if you ignored them.

You once answer the door, and they'll hit your doorstep every time.

 

Why she does it? it's because it makes her feel good.

You split up.

But she can still yank your chain.

She's still 'got it'.

She still has the pulling power to snag you. hook you and get you landed....

 

I honestly thought the breadcrumbs were done when I got a little harsh with her a few weeks back about jerking me around.

But wouldn't you know I got another last week.

Yeah... she knew that if she let the dust settle and the heat die down, she could yank your chain again...

And wouldn't you know it, she got you again, last week...

 

Everyone I talk to is baffled? Maybe she's just a crazy broad.

Well, she wouldn't be a 'crazy broad' if 'crazy dude' didn't keep skipping to her tune.... Would she?

Who's the crazier? her for contacting you, or you for always responding?

Own it man, you're just as much to blame.

 

So you've decided to ignore huh.

 

Keep me updated, I want to see hour your girl reacts to that. That could go 2-ways. Drive her nuts until the point she contacts you more and more or she will finally give up.

If you don't respond, they will ALWAYS give up.

 

If you keep calling a number that won't pick up, after a while, you give up.... don't you?

you've just become my test rat lol

You don't need a 'test rat'. All you have to do is to read the Guide, and all the subsequent posts.

That will be all the clinical trials and irrefutable evidence you'll need.

 

lol.

[mtnbiker3000]

There ya go. You've heard from those dealing with breadcrumbs and those on the NC diet. Time for you to decide which is right for you

[hoping2heal]

To answer your question about why someone might text regarding ego boosts;

 

It feels good to have attention from someone. It doesn't matter if you're interested in them; it feels good to know they are interested in you.

 

If she actually wanted to rekindle the relationship, you'd be getting and hearing alot more from her than text messages. There'd be action and not just talk.

[IS IT Better late]

Tara,

 

Just some thoughts on my end.

 

I let her ease her guilt a long time ago. Her first few breadcrumbs over 3-months ago she definitely expressed a lot of guilt. And I told her I don't hate her and I told it was good that she said what she said to get that off her chest.

 

Her texts don't express any guilt, she's not making sure I'm ok or none of that checking up on me kind of thing. She knew I was hurt initially after the BU but I haven't mentioned anything like that since then.

 

Ego boost? Explain to me what that feels like from the dumpers perspective? So when our text convo ends she laughs and says ha this guy is still interested in me what a tool!

 

IdK b/c I've never done that to an ex. She gets what a 10 min high knowing that I still express interest in her? So what? Doesn't sound like such an thrilling experience to me.

 

Tell me how I've been friend zoned in a bad way? Is there a good friend zone? I never agreed to be just friends. Nor is that something I seek.

 

And again what is the benefit of friend zoning me to her? How does that improve her life?

 

If I ignore will that help me move on? I really don't know.

[hoping2heal]

I'm not Tara but I hope it's okay if I give my input to a few things you're asking.

 

Regarding the ego boost again;

 

Haven't you ever felt flattered when you heard someone was interested/ had a crush on you? Haven't you ever flattered being flirted with by a stranger? Maybe you didn't share the same feeling for them as they you. Maybe you weren't even attracted to that person, but it felt good right?

 

Well, let's consider "4 months later and he still wants me" as the ultimate flattery.

 

I also want to extend a thought about being friendzoned in a bad way;

 

The fact that she is using you like that is what makes it bad. You shouldn't exploit a friend who is in a vulnerable spot just because it's giving you affirmation. When you're friendzoned in a bad (worse) way; it means not only do they not want to date you, but they are treating you with less respect and regard than a friend.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara,

 

Just some thoughts on my end.

 

I let her ease her guilt a long time ago. Her first few breadcrumbs over 3-months ago she definitely expressed a lot of guilt. And I told her I don't hate her and I told it was good that she said what she said to get that off her chest.

So you forgave her, eased her guilt and made her feel better about her actions.

Ok, first hurdle successfully negotiated.

Next....

 

Her texts don't express any guilt, she's not making sure I'm ok or none of that checking up on me kind of thing. She knew I was hurt initially after the BU but I haven't mentioned anything like that since then.

No, but the fact you still respond, make her believe that where she has you, is to her advantage, not yours.

She's successfully pinned you onto her 'buddy board' and will one day, no doubt ask you about dating advice, because she's met this gorgeous guy.... see, friends do that... and who better to advise her than an ex- where it went wrong, so that she can get it right next time?

 

Ego boost? Explain to me what that feels like from the dumpers perspective? So when our text convo ends she laughs and says ha this guy is still interested in me what a tool!

Maybe not in so many words, but think about it - where is that incorrect?

 

IdK b/c I've never done that to an ex. She gets what a 10 min high knowing that I still express interest in her? So what? Doesn't sound like such an thrilling experience to me.

But you're not her.

You're asking us the whys and wherefores of why dumpers keep in touch.

We're telling you.

What - you think you're different?

Sorry bud, think again.

The one consistent reason Dumpers maintain contact with an ex is to make themselves feel validated and good. It's primarily for their benefit, not yours.

 

You drop off her radar and see how clingy she gets....

 

Tell me how I've been friend zoned in a bad way? Is there a good friend zone? I never agreed to be just friends. Nor is that something I seek.

What benefit have you gained form this constant contact?

Have you moved on? Met other girls? dated anyone else? Found a new someone?

What are you hoping for?

 

And again what is the benefit of friend zoning me to her? How does that improve her life?

Instead of asking that about her, why not ask the same questions of yourself?

 

If I ignore will that help me move on? I really don't know.

 

We do.

And the answer's yes.

But you have to let go, accept this is over, release all contact and work on yourself to Move on, get over this and heal.

And you've left it so long, it won't be easy.

But yes.

[IS IT Better late]

Hoping,

 

I understand and thanks for the comment.

 

She's an attractive young lady, she doesn't need my attn. I'm sure there are plenty of dudes out there for her to flirt with. Is this all driven by flattery?

 

How long does flattery carry on to make her feel good. So in her head a light bulb goes off and she says I'm in need of some positive reinforcement today let me text you know who. He'll give me my fix today.

 

So basically I'm just a reliable source of flattery that she goes to when needed?

 

Does she respect me hmm, Idk, I don't think I've ever been a sucker or doormat. I've pushed back when she has disrespected me in the past.

 

I guess its time for me to decide to bury this for good.

 

I can just ignore her or respond to the next breadcrumb telling her to leave me alone b/c I'm not interested in being her pen pal any longer.

[TaraMaiden]

Hoping,

 

I understand and thanks for the comment.

 

She's an attractive young lady, she doesn't need my attn. I'm sure there are plenty of dudes out there for her to flirt with. Is this all driven by flattery?

Probably... Nobody's going to stop anyone talking if they're being paid attention to...

she clicks her fingers and - ooh, look. There you are.

 

How long does flattery carry on to make her feel good. So in her head a light bulb goes off and she says I'm in need of some positive reinforcement today let me text you know who. He'll give me my fix today.

Can you think of any better reason why she's still using you this way?

because what is she paying back into this for you?

 

So basically I'm just a reliable source of flattery that she goes to when needed?

(By george, I think he's getting it....)

 

Does she respect me hmm, Idk, I don't think I've ever been a sucker or doormat. I've pushed back when she has disrespected me in the past.

Not that you know of.... But it seems she knows exactly how far to push... and when she's reached that limit, backs off... then comes back in again....

 

I guess its time for me to decide to bury this for good.

Yes, I guess it finally is....

 

 

I can just ignore her or respond to the next breadcrumb telling her to leave me alone b/c I'm not interested in being her pen pal any longer.

The normal standard procedure in such cases, is to go AWOL, block, delete, ignore, and change your number. With no - advance - notice.

 

Please don't say you can't. It can be done, it is possible - even by just one digit. Then you let all your contacts - who matter - know.

Anyone who may give the game away to her, is off-limits.

Until you can speak to them direct. and tell them the number is to go no further.

[IS IT Better late]

Tara,

 

I know your advice is based upon thousands of the same scenarios playing out over and over. And human beings for the most part act in similar patterns. I really do appreciate your advice and respect your POV.

 

I have not completely moved on otherwise I wouldn't of started this thread today. I have started to date other girls and I keep busy living my life.

 

I'm upset with myself for not being futher along with the healing process and I look forward to the day that this chick is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

 

My grieving still continues and comes in waves. They seem to be getting fewer and the duration are getting shorter. But the pain is still as intense when it hits. Intense anxiety followed by anger and thoughts of what she's doing and replaying are time together. The movie reel never seems to end.

 

If I would've stayed NC from day 1 would I be better off? Maybe? But I chose this route b/c I had hopes of her coming back.

 

She lost interest in me and became distant. I began to chase and she ran away. until she dumped me.

 

I stopped chasing and she warmed up again giving me hope.

 

I've heard every false hope under the sun:

 

I miss you, I want to see you again, we need to plan a date, what's your schedule like? We made 2 dates and she cancelled both. That's when I knew I can't do this anymore. I was really excited to see her again. I couldnt sleep the night before. Like a kid on christmas AM lol.

 

I know I'm no more special than anybody else on here. But it's really tough to let go of an attachment that I never felt before and I'm in my mid 30's and dated my fair share of girls.

[frostythesnowman]

Tara,

 

I know your advice is based upon thousands of the same scenarios playing out over and over. And human beings for the most part act in similar patterns. I really do appreciate your advice and respect your POV.

 

I have not completely moved on otherwise I wouldn't of started this thread today. I have started to date other girls and I keep busy living my life.

 

I'm upset with myself for not being futher along with the healing process and I look forward to the day that this chick is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

 

My grieving still continues and comes in waves. They seem to be getting fewer and the duration are getting shorter. But the pain is still as intense when it hits. Intense anxiety followed by anger and thoughts of what she's doing and replaying are time together. The movie reel never seems to end.

 

If I would've stayed NC from day 1 would I be better off? Maybe? But I chose this route b/c I had hopes of her coming back.

 

She lost interest in me and became distant. I began to chase and she ran away. until she dumped me.

 

I stopped chasing and she warmed up again giving me hope.

 

I've heard every false hope under the sun:

 

I miss you, I want to see you again, we need to plan a date, what's your schedule like? We made 2 dates and she cancelled both. That's when I knew I can't do this anymore. I was really excited to see her again. I couldnt sleep the night before. Like a kid on christmas AM lol.

 

I know I'm no more special than anybody else on here. But it's really tough to let go of an attachment that I never felt before and I'm in my mid 30's and dated my fair share of girls.

 

Trust me I know the exact feeling. So many times I would make plans with her for her to just cancel and make excuses. Nothing worse than going from being that excited to feeling like now you don't have anything to look forward to.

 

You need to see past it though, because I believe it is possible but only with every bit of your effort to move on. You won't be able to move forward if you don't block off any hope that you have.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara,

 

I know your advice is based upon thousands of the same scenarios playing out over and over. And human beings for the most part act in similar patterns. I really do appreciate your advice and respect your POV.

 

I have not completely moved on otherwise I wouldn't of started this thread today. I have started to date other girls and I keep busy living my life.

 

I'm upset with myself for not being futher along with the healing process and I look forward to the day that this chick is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up.

 

My grieving still continues and comes in waves. They seem to be getting fewer and the duration are getting shorter. But the pain is still as intense when it hits. Intense anxiety followed by anger and thoughts of what she's doing and replaying are time together. The movie reel never seems to end.

 

If I would've stayed NC from day 1 would I be better off? Maybe? But I chose this route b/c I had hopes of her coming back.

 

She lost interest in me and became distant. I began to chase and she ran away. until she dumped me.

 

I stopped chasing and she warmed up again giving me hope.

 

I've heard every false hope under the sun:

 

I miss you, I want to see you again, we need to plan a date, what's your schedule like? We made 2 dates and she cancelled both. That's when I knew I can't do this anymore. I was really excited to see her again. I couldnt sleep the night before. Like a kid on christmas AM lol.

 

I know I'm no more special than anybody else on here. But it's really tough to let go of an attachment that I never felt before and I'm in my mid 30's and dated my fair share of girls.

 

You've made every single classic mistake in the book, of the person who refuses to believe it's over, or harbours the tiniest grain of hope that somehow, by some magical means, the dumper will miraculously turn round, in wonder and amazement and exclaim "What WAS I thinking - !? Of COURSE you're the one for me, my soul-mate, love of my life!"

 

Well, guess what? Hope - is Hype.

 

No Contact is cold-turkey for the heart.

And it hurts like hell, but you have to go Through it, because there's no way round it.

 

You have to accept it.

Because here it is, in front of you, in 'black and white'.

This is over.

She's been yanking your chain, and you, like some docile Ox, have been pulled by the ring in your nose.

 

have you actually read the NC guide and the following comments in the ensuing thread?

[McGriff]

IIBL

 

At some point, you will see the light. It's very painful, and probably even more angering. At least it was for me. I just think 4 months is plenty time for my ex to put up or shut up. She's done neither. So I will do it for her. I mean seriously, how long can you go on with this BS? I had a WONDERFUL 5 months with her. Best of my life, and I was married for 14 years and never reached that kind of feeling. So I'm sad that its over, BUT I'm happy to have experienced it, and now I know what's possible. And I know it was just as wonderful for her, hence her behavior of not being able to let go. I can't control her behavior, but I certainly can take the reins from her when it comes to us. It's all or nothing from here on out. That's the way it's gotta be. It sucks, but I know she's not the only person who can make me feel that powerful love drug. I haven't found a replacement yet, but I continue to date and having fun doing it. Take all the time you need, but ultimately you're only delaying the inevitable. Who knows if your paths will cross again in the future when everything resets?

Edited June 25, 2013 by McGriff

[McGriff]

IIBL,

 

Read this article and tell me if it doesn't piss you off...

 

Letting Go of the Safety Net

 

...it did me. Let her go man, I know it's painful, but it needs to be done. That article is written for guys like you and me. Very unsettling and somewhat embarrassing that I've gone on this long. Good luck brother.