youngANDfree Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I've been dating my significant other since January. We only became exclusive in April, so our relationship is still relatively new. We have been having a few issues here and there, so the honeymoon period has not been all roses. Recently my S.O.'s uncle was diagnosed with inoperable, stage four cancer. My S.O. was supposed to visit him for the last time on Sunday. I noticed the days before this, he hadn't really been talking to me. He was either ignoring my texts or answering them many hours apart, and hadn't called when he promised to. I knew the deal with his uncle, but for some reason didn't connect the dots soon enough, and didn't know why he was being so distant. When he told me, he seemed upset that I didn't figure it out sooner (I probably would have been in that situation also). I could tell that he needed space, so I told him I would be there for him if he needed me, but would also respect that he needs time to deal with this. Well on Sunday (the day he was to visit his uncle) I texted to say that I hope he's doing okay and that I was praying for him. He did not respond. I found out via twitter that his uncle passed on that day. I texted to say that I was very sorry and here if he needed to talk. He never responded. I know that he has been taking this very hard, as he lost a family member a few months ago, as well. So i understand that he needs distance from me right now. I had planned on just giving him space and waiting until he came around...until I talked to my mom. She pointed out that he could be emotionally unavailable if he has done this (disappearing) more than once. When she approached me with this, I got very angry and told her she was wrong. But the thought stuck with me. It wasn't the first time it had crossed my mind... Now I'm feeling like she may have been right and I don't know how to proceed. I'm scared that I'll wait for him and either he won't talk to me again, or he will and will end up breaking my heart anyway. I feel like I have it made up in my mind that we shouldn't be together, but how can I tell him? Specifically in this situation where he is dealing with grief and shutting me out. I do want to be there for him. I am very lost.
MidwestUSA Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I would normally say listen to your mom, but not this time. The guy has had two recent (one very recent) deaths in his family. Do you now how close he was to them? Or how much they meant to him? You've put your offer out there - you'll be there if he needs you. Maybe it's too soon, in his mind, to have you close to offer comfort. You're sensing that he needs space, keep giving it to him. Without even having talked to him recently, you've decided you shouldn't be together. How did you come to this? Because he doesn't "need" you around during his time of grief? This is just as much about your need to be needed as it is his desire for space and time to grieve. Isn't it? Or, since you state things haven't been all roses, you're going to break up with him NOW? When he's down? This sounds like an excuse, and he's going to see it that way. 1
Author youngANDfree Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) I never heard him talk about his uncle before this situation happened. By his reaction, I'm assuming they were pretty close and I know this isn't easy for him. I haven't made a firm decision. The decision to break up is driven by fear. I came to this conclusion because when I reflect on things, it seems like he isn't ready for a relationship. Last month, we talked and he stated that he wasn't at the same stage as I was in the relationship (being in love) and wasn't sure he would ever feel the way he felt in his last relationship again. Then a few days later, he recanted. And I don't want to break up with him when he's down...but I honestly am not sure he'll even return. I would be there for him whether we we're together or not. Edited June 25, 2013 by youngANDfree
MidwestUSA Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Well, that's a little more info than in your first post, which focused more on the deaths being his reason for distance. All you can do now is wait and see. If he comes around, I think you'll know what to do. Best of luck!
Author youngANDfree Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 The waiting game is the worst for a soul as impatient as I. But thank you!
MidwestUSA Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Yea, it's never easy. And you're welcome. Who knows, I would certainly wait, and, if he comes back, see if he expresses any thoughts/feelings first. Might make it easier on you. Or not.
Author youngANDfree Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Well here's an update: He responded to a message I sent Yesterday that simply said I was thinking about him. He seemed fine at first but never replied again. I told him I would try talking to him later. I called today and our conversation seemed fine. But I am noticing that the way he speaks to me is more like an acquaintance. He even called me miss, rather than my name or a pet name.He seemed to appreciate my call though. He seems to be doing a little better and I'm making sure to let him know that I'm there for him in any way possible. I'm not sure if he is detaching as a symptom of the grief or because he doesn't want to be with me anymore...
ChessPieceFace Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 Wow, no matter how many of his family members die, it's still all about you.
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